Capthxc Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Havent posted here in a while because i was doing a lot better with myself...until recently. It's been roughly 3 months since the break up with very limited contact. Usually going a month or so before either of us says anything to each other. Most of the convos were pretty cold. From her telling me to delete her number from my phone to her telling me she's said everything that needed to be said at the moment. I could tell she was pretty upset though. Her tone and choice of words gave it away. Now about a week ago we talk again. I gave her a hard time about sharing a picture that was intended to only be for me. She took it down from facebook and said sorry. She then proceeded to tell me that she wants me to be safe and settle down a little bit(lots of drinking on my part lately)and said even if I don't believe it, that she still cares about me a lot. She told me I was an important part of her life and that I still am. If I didn't have to wake up early for work I would have kept on talking to her, but I had to go. We haven't spoke since then but I really want to talk to her about a few things. Obviously she wasn't confessing her love for me, but should I take this as a good sign? She lives in a different state now, and I want to bring up the fact that I want to see her. Either to see if things are able to be worked out or just for closure since we broke up thru ims and text msgs. Anyone know where should I go from here? Is it wrong for me to be a little more hopeful then I was before? I've worked on moving on and have done decent with nc, but I feel like I may need to approach her about reconciling or with just a casual chat before I go any further with this.
Mrlonelyone Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Might I ask how long you had been dating?
dk.bnz.chi Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 of course she still cares about you,but that doesn't mean that she wants back. i wouldn't eliminate the fact that she might want to reconcile ,however from what has been said that doesn't seem the case. if she accepts and your willing to go for it ,i suggest you try to meet her and see where that goes. for whatever reasons,at least you can get closure,maybe you're able to attract each other again, maybe you can remain friends if you care about her as a person too. good luck my friend
Author Capthxc Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 By now it would have been 2 years. We broke up 3 months ago. Emotionally things were rushed. Telling each other how much we love each other within a month and the together forever stuff as well as the "I've never felt this way about someone before."from here.
Mrlonelyone Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 By now it would have been 2 years. We broke up 3 months ago. That's a long time 21 month's is a long time for most relationships. Emotionally things were rushed. Telling each other how much we love each other within a month and the together forever stuff as well as the "I've never felt this way about someone before."from here. That's called the honeymoon phase. All relationships start that way, most end once the honeymoon is over. Suddenly their quirks aren't so cute. It's love, that is based mostly on lust and the superficial aspects of a person. Trust you could feel that about countless people in your life. Then there is the love that starts after the end of the honeymoon. When you notice their quirks, flaws etc and they notice your flaws and you still love them. That is something that is much harder to find. The comfortable love of an old married couple. If you were in the first kind of love then move on, You can feel that honeymoon over and over again if you are open to it. Further it can lead to the second kind. If you were in the second kind of love then there is ALWAYS a chance for a second, third, fourth, fifth time around. I think everyone here has realized that the second kind of love is too rare to ever shut the door on. Ask yourself and be honest did you have the second kind of love with this person? If you did then there is a chance. Realize this, a second chance at love with one person can take years to come to pass.
Author Capthxc Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 In your own words i can honestly say that i was in that second phase of love. I'm not absolutely sure if i can say the same for her, but i'm pretty sure it was the case. I put her through a lot of torment. I was way too over protective, i was looking for things that werent even there. She held on for as long as she could, and dealt with me at my worst and when it seemed like there was no getting better for me she reached the point of not knowing what to do, and her only option left was to leave me and hope that i can figure it out on my own. I support that decision as well, since it's not right for me to bring her down to my level because im insecure with myself. The relationship started abruptly. If i had my way i would have started seeing her when i was more confident with myself, but sadly, things dont work out that way. I just dont know what to say. It seems like shes willing to talk to me now, more so than a few months ago. But i dont know if i should just strike up a casual convo with her or if i should go head in with my emotions yet again. It really does feel like shes waiting for me to make the right decision, and i know that no one here can really tell me what that decision might be.
dk.bnz.chi Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 "just strike up a casual convo with her" yes " i should go head in with my emotions yet again" big no no
Mrlonelyone Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Here are the things that you wrote that jump out to me. Most of the convos were pretty cold. From her telling me to delete her number from my phone to her telling me she's said everything that needed to be said at the moment. She told me I was an important part of her life and that I still am. she reached the point of not knowing what to do, and her only option left was to leave me and hope that i can figure it out on my own. If you think she is waiting for you to make the right decision, then the ball is in your court. I would try to meet her in a casual way. Don't go in looking to bear your soul. Meeting face to face will bring the true feelings to the surface. People can BS over FB or even the phone. Face to face it is much harder to lie/mask feelings. (That's the reason people try to avoid a face to face breakup.) However if she will not meet you face to face it means that there is no chance at this time. Break contact, block almost all communication, take anything that reminds you of them and get rid of/ store it out of sight. Then move on. A second chance could still happen way down the road but you'll have to let her initiate communication then.
Author Capthxc Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 Well meeting up with her is easier said then done. We are long distance now. She lives about 900 miles away from me on the opposite end of the country. I'm not about to just randomly show up at her house either.
Mrlonelyone Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Well meeting up with her is easier said then done. We are long distance now. She lives about 900 miles away from me on the opposite end of the country. I'm not about to just randomly show up at her house either. Don't write that one off. If you look down you will see a thread about me and a particular woman. I did just that once and the meeting ended with her falling, baby in her arms into my arms and the warmest, best, hug I have had in my life. Do either of you have Skype or some other video messaging tool?
Author Capthxc Posted December 16, 2010 Author Posted December 16, 2010 We never used Skype when we talked but we did use MSN or AIM video chat.
Mrlonelyone Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 We never used Skype when we talked but we did use MSN or AIM video chat. If she's video chatting like that with you that means something... but then being 900 miles away for an open ended period of time means allot more. If I were in your situation here is how I would handle it. If she's going to be back sometime very soon I would try a long distance second chance relationship. Then see if anything can come of it when she's back in town for good. If she's not moving back then honestly I would just forget about her. Somewhere there is a woman who would love you just love you warts and all. There are probably 100 or 1000 such women, and ten of them live in your town. Find one of them, open a business make a billion dollars and let this woman regret not sticking it out with you.
Author Capthxc Posted December 16, 2010 Author Posted December 16, 2010 I was actually getting ready to move down there once i was done with school this winter before we broke up. She has no reason to come back up here now aside from me. She went to school up here while we were dating, and to make a long story short, she had to move back home with her family. It was still up in the air what we were going to do, but me going down there was the most logical choice. I was doing so good with myself before all of this hit me. I was going out, meeting new women, having a good time with friends that i neglected while we dated. I still thought about her all the time but it didnt affect me like it is now. It's like her telling me she still cares about me and what not has brought me back to square one.
dk.bnz.chi Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 you can't deny those feelings,they are normal. some people don't get over them after years and years. it is one thing to pretend to be over and another to really be over her.
dk.bnz.chi Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 you thought to be over her when actually you were just fooling yourself . see people who just accept that something is over just accept it and live their lives with all the pain . others just pretend that they're over and act all happy ,go out drink,meet new women etc. those are the ones who get pulled back to square one, and need much longer time to heal. if you do it right the first time you'll save yourself a lot of wasted time and pain.
alimpo83 Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 I thought I had that second kind of love. We've been together for two years too, until she decided we've become more friends than boyfriends and decides she can't commit. Before that all she wanted in the near future was to get married, live together, shared dreams and so on. Think clearly about what to do. You were doing great, continue your life. I had lunch with my ex about a month after we broke up, she told me she loved it and was really happy about us talking and getting together again. I talked to her about us trying a second time and got basically dumped, again. I was doing great at the time, but had a moment of weakness and had lunch with her, and got back to square one. Stay strong, my friend!
Mrlonelyone Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 @Capthxc You need to take all the time that dk.bnz.chi speaks of to grieve for the loss of that relationship. Then move on. Having seen people have real successful second chances I can't tell you that it's impossible. It's just not something that can be forced to happen when we want it to. kind of like falling in love in the first place. @dk.bnz.chi You are so right. @alimpo83 Not everyone is wise enough to recognize that kind of love when they have it. The second kind of love I write of feels more like friendship in allot of ways. Many confuse infatuation, lust and love, especially when they are young or mentally immature.
Author Capthxc Posted December 26, 2010 Author Posted December 26, 2010 So a quick update. I went with the calm Merry Christmas thing today. It's been going great ever since. We've been talking for the past 2 hours and everything has been smooth. No relationship talk, no anger or resentment Just a good conversation with some catching up. Something i never thought i would have had again with her. I guess you could say i'm off to a good start.
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