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i am think about breaking up with my boyfriend

chucksbabygurl17

By chucksbabygurl17
in Friendship

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chucksbabygurl17 Member

chucksbabygurl17

Posted
Posted

Well here is my story... my boyfriend and I been together for almost four

 

years and we moved in together after we started to date after a year

 

everything was going very well at first but then we started to fight alot

 

and half of the time we cant stand being around eachother. And I thought

 

to myself maybe it will get better but it hasnt been its been getting alot

 

worse. We both cant seem to trust on another and everytime I try to

 

make things between us better he thinks its wrong for some reason. Well

 

in the past we both made alot of mistakes he cheated on me 3 times and

 

I took him back because I loved him and I trusted him again. But in my

 

case I did do things but I never cheated on him in my life I hid a friend

 

who was a guy from him and thats it and when he found out I stoped

 

talking to this friend and that was like a year ago and now since I trusted

 

him to go out to the bars and hang out with his friends and do things he

 

wants to do.. I am not alowed to hang out with my friends only things I

 

am aloud to do is cook n clean n sleep I dont go outside I dont talk to

 

anyone unless he says I am aloud he treats me like a slave I cant do this

 

anymore but I dont know how to tell him I am leaving him because

 

everytime I say I am going to break up with him he twistes it and makes

 

it seem likes its my fault the way he treats me and everytime I bring up

 

the conversation he fights until I get mad and I yell and then he hits me

 

and tells me its my fault for him haveing to hit me he makes me say sorry

 

for him hitting me...... what should I do

SincereOnlineGuy Established Member

SincereOnlineGuy

Posted
Posted
Well here is my story... my boyfriend and I been together for almost four

 

years and we moved in together after we started to date after a year

 

everything was going very well at first but then we started to fight alot

 

and half of the time we cant stand being around eachother. And I thought

 

to myself maybe it will get better but it hasnt been its been getting alot

 

worse. We both cant seem to trust on another and everytime I try to

 

make things between us better he thinks its wrong for some reason. Well

 

in the past we both made alot of mistakes he cheated on me 3 times and

 

I took him back because I loved him and I trusted him again. But in my

 

case I did do things but I never cheated on him in my life I hid a friend

 

who was a guy from him and thats it and when he found out I stoped

 

talking to this friend and that was like a year ago and now since I trusted

 

him to go out to the bars and hang out with his friends and do things he

 

wants to do.. I am not alowed to hang out with my friends only things I

 

am aloud to do is cook n clean n sleep I dont go outside I dont talk to

 

anyone unless he says I am aloud he treats me like a slave I cant do this

 

anymore but I dont know how to tell him I am leaving him because

 

everytime I say I am going to break up with him he twistes it and makes

 

it seem likes its my fault the way he treats me and everytime I bring up

 

the conversation he fights until I get mad and I yell and then he hits me

 

and tells me its my fault for him haveing to hit me he makes me say sorry

 

for him hitting me...... what should I do

 

 

 

Part of what makes this difficult for you, and not just an obvious-to-most-of-us solution (which you used in your title)... is that you probably don't have a great sense for how it is to be treated respectfully and appropriately by someone you're dating.

 

When this abusive relationship is all you've known (at least lately) then it becomes the norm, so you start to accept it.

 

Unfortunately it often takes something very sudden and very bad to scare the likes of you into leaving the relationship.

 

Others here on Loveshack will be able to say the same thing more compassionately (or at least you'll hear it that way, from females) but I'm quite sure everyone will agree as to what you should do next.

Life2B Member

Life2B

Posted
Posted

You need to step away from this relationship immediately. This is not a relationship built on understanding and trust. It's just him bullying you and treating you like you're nothing. You're not even allowed to have a social life. I'm pretty sure SincereOnlineGuy is right and everyone else on LS will agree.

KraftDinner Established Member

KraftDinner

Posted
Posted

He cheats on you, he hits you, he controls and insults you, he won't let you choose your own friends... why on EARTH are you still with this person?

 

Hon, I think you need therapy (I don't mean that in a mean way at all) if you think that this relationship is any form of okay.

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chucksbabygurl17 Member

chucksbabygurl17

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I do have theripy but its not helping because she wants me to move on

 

and get out of the situation I am in now but I am so afraid to leave

 

because I dont have nowhere else to go ill be homless and he keeps all my

 

money I make and I dont know if he will give it to me.. So I am pretty

 

much in a really big hole.. I am thinking about just leaving in the middle of

 

the night and not comming back takeing some cloths and thats it but I

 

am afraid he will find me and make me come back and that would make

 

things alot more hard on me thats why I didnt do it yet... I just dont

 

want to get hurt anymore he said if i just listen to what he says then

 

I wont get hurt anymore... I dont know if I love him or I am just scared of

 

him and what he will do.

DragonSlave49 Member

DragonSlave49

Posted
Posted (edited)
I do have theripy but its not helping because she wants me to move on

 

and get out of the situation I am in now but I am so afraid to leave

 

because I dont have nowhere else to go ill be homless and he keeps all my

 

money I make and I dont know if he will give it to me.. So I am pretty

 

much in a really big hole.. I am thinking about just leaving in the middle of

 

the night and not comming back takeing some cloths and thats it but I

 

am afraid he will find me and make me come back and that would make

 

things alot more hard on me thats why I didnt do it yet... I just dont

 

want to get hurt anymore he said if i just listen to what he says then

 

I wont get hurt anymore... I dont know if I love him or I am just scared of

 

him and what he will do

 

Some people here will probably be incredulous about this but don't take it personally. You've been with him since you were 15, so that means this kind of relationship is probably only type you've known. I don't think any of this is your fault so don't worry about that part of it. Just chill out and plan things with a cool head.

 

I'm just asking because I'm curious: how did you end up in a situation where you let your boyfriend control your income? It seems that if you're doing the housework and earning money, you should be keeping everything you earn for yourself. Why give him a free ride when he doesn't even treat you right?

 

So, you work, and you get paychecks. Do you have a bank account? If not, you should go open one. In the meantime, you could think about ways to cut him off from your finances.

 

Secondly, you've got to stand up and be strong about this. If I were you, I would think about how violent and methodical your boyfriend is. From what you've written, he sounds like a monster. Secretly contact friends and relatives and explain the situation to them. You'll probably find you have more support than you think.

 

Also, there's no way for you to resolve this by coming to terms with him, so don't try to do that. You don't need his permission. You are an adult now, you can do what you want. Just because he gives you a reason, doesn't mean you have to accept it. Even if you agree to something, or he claims you did in the past, you don't have to stay true to your word. You are free. And just because he asks a question doesn't mean you have to answer it.

 

So, we've established that he can't make you do things you don't want to just with words. What about physical violence? If he hits you, that's all the more reason not to do what he says. But before we talk strategy for dealing with physical violence, I need to know more about his physical abilities and what state / city you live in (because domestic violence laws and support levels vary by state).

 

Also, is there a chance his name is "Chuck"?

Edited by DragonSlave49
needed explanatory paragraph
New_Life08 Established Member

New_Life08

Posted
Posted

It sounds like a codependent relationship, and you are realizing that you have to break away in order to have the life you want and need. I shouldn't have to tell you there is no excuse for hitting! Forget the rest, that alone is reason to leave.

 

Your self esteem is low, but you need to find some emotional support from friends, family, or counseling and leave. There is a great book out there called "The courage to be yourself". It is a great read, and you will come to some strong realizations.

 

He sounds a lot like my ex husband, except for the hitting. He wanted to keep me at home with the kids, while he took trips, played sports, hung out with his buddies etc. I was very passive and walked on eggshells around him. I always felt I was doing something wrong or disappointing to him. He fed off that to keep me in my place. I was a stay home mom with three kids, and I found the courage to leave. It was very hard emotionally and financially, but I don't regret it a bit.

 

My advice to you is...do not invest the prime of your life in a person who is so reckless with your well being. There is nothing to be gained and everything to be lost.

 

I think you have talked all you can to him. It is obvious he knows where your at in the relationship; that's why he retaliates with violence. So, don't talk anymore; just plan to leave, get your ducks in a row and leave. It will be the most empowering thing you'll ever do.

 

All my best to you...be your own best friend..:cool:

SincereOnlineGuy Established Member

SincereOnlineGuy

Posted
Posted

I can't find the part that tells how old you are, but IF you are about 20, I just want to sit here and envision you at age 30:

 

 

I WANT to see an attractive, confident, and thriving woman who is still reasonably young and happy.

 

 

UNLESS you do something very soon about getting out of this relationship, you will reach age 30 with so many scars (both emotional and physical) that you will be terrified to even let good guys approach. Not only that, but good guys will read your liking/need for 'chaos' in your relationships and they won't come near you. This will leave a steady stream of bad guys at your doorstep, even at and beyond age 30.

 

 

Devise a plan with the therapist and REALLY APPLY YOURSELF TO THERAPY...

 

it is OK that whatever happened in the past caused the present, but don't resign yourself to letting the past dictate your future too!

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chucksbabygurl17 Member

chucksbabygurl17

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Yes my boyfriends name is chuck I fell in love with him because well funny

 

story accually the reason why I fell inlove with him in the first place is

 

because.. I had a very hard child hood my mom was never around she

 

was always drunk never new my dad until I was about 13 years old and

 

on new years eve my cousnet brought chuck over not for me for my friend

 

crystal I thought he was so cute the first time I saw him and he didnt

 

want crystal he wanted me I am not going to lie I wanted him to so

 

bad. Well my friend crystal passed out on the couch and me and him

 

were the only ones still up we talked all night about things and we held

 

eachother and next thing I know I woke up in his arms.. and I wasnt sure

 

if he wanted to see me again I gave him my number and he called like a

 

few hours later asking if I wanted to go out on a date and of course I said

 

said yes and I never felt so safe and so loved he treated me like every

 

girl dreamed of we talked on the phone for hours everynight it was like

 

something out of a book or something he loved me like no one has ever

 

loved me in my life I thought I found someone who wants to love for the

 

rest of my life but I was wrong because now its just like a nightmare.

 

the reason why I am still with him now is because I dont think I can do

 

better and because tell you the truth I never had better I didnt have a

 

childhood or a home to call mine and I been step on and kicked in the

 

dirt so thats why I still put up with the **** that gets thrown my way I

 

just dont know what went wrong in my life I thought if you have a ****y

 

life your spose to have a great outcome in all of it but I guess I went a

 

different way my life only got worse...

  • Author
chucksbabygurl17 Member

chucksbabygurl17

Posted
  • Author
Posted

One more thing I dont give out my location people dont need to know

 

where I live and my personal information"

  • Author
chucksbabygurl17 Member

chucksbabygurl17

Posted
  • Author
Posted

dragon49 why do u need to know if my boyfriend is named chuck anyways

 

and why do u need to know where I live and stuff ? I am just here for

 

some advice on things ok

  • Author
chucksbabygurl17 Member

chucksbabygurl17

Posted
  • Author
Posted

dragonslave49 do u know my boyfriend chuck and if you do i wanna know

 

how you know him..

SincereOnlineGuy Established Member

SincereOnlineGuy

Posted
Posted

The added details of how you came to be dating really assure that your whole picture is "normal" in the way of "normal for someone who was subjected to a terribly chaotic life early on".

 

It makes perfect sense that you clung to Chuck back in the day, as he was someone who made you feel special when nobody else did.

 

But perhaps he was drawn to you for unsavory reasons resulting from his own upbringing. Now that you've lived a tiny bit more healthfully in more recent times, suddenly Chuck's own chaotic traits are becoming unbearable.

 

It would be perfect if you could afford in every way to move on and eventually meet somebody more suitable for you. That in addition to being able to afford steady therapy, at least for a while.

DragonSlave49 Member

DragonSlave49

Posted
Posted
dragonslave49 do u know my boyfriend chuck and if you do i wanna know

 

how you know him..

 

I just asked because of your screenname. I don't know Chuck, I just read your profile, which has the information I included in my post in it. I was able to infer that since you have been with him for 4 years and you said you were 19, 19 - 4 = 15.

 

I wanted to find out if you live in one of the places where the police will try to talk women out of filing domestic violence reports. But don't worry about that... if you're not comfortable, don't tell me. I just wanted to try to help you plan in case he tries to kill you.

 

As far as the "can't imagine life without him" part, something a bit like this happened to me. I dated a girl from ages 19-23 and our relationship started out great and ended horribly. Our attachment to each other was so strong that after she said she wanted to break up with me, I couldn't even sleep at night, I would just lie there shivering. I had therapy for 6 months afterward. Sometimes it did seem irrelevant, but you have to trust the therapist, they've spent years in school studying psychology and have methods that really work.

 

But 19 is a lot older than 15. I think that a person's soul is like a tree. It changes over time but it is always rooted in the same place. Since you are so young, this guy is going to be part of your base, your trunk, and no matter what you do, you'll be shaped by the experience you had.

 

Just because you can't imagine things doesn't mean they won't happen. I'm not going to try to cheer you up.

 

The biggest obstacle I've faced in my life is the feeling that things other people do are my fault. I think "she's mad at me because I did this" or "they called me a fag because I didn't act macho enough". But what about the other person's responsibility? What about their free choice? Most people will naturally blame the other person, but for some reason some people blame themselves first. We are perpetual victims of abuse by others, and all the world's jerks seem to know instinctively that they can abuse and take advantage of people like us. I can't even walk down a street without a homeless man calling me a fag.

 

But what I think you should do, regardless of whether you stay with Chuck or devise a plan to escape, is develop a better bull**** detector. Life in general is full of people lying. We lie all the time and don't even realize we are doing it sometimes. The tricky part is that lying isn't usually bad. It is usually expected. People get trapped by their own lies just as often as they trap others with lies. Learn to read between the lines, don't just take things for face value.

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