The benefit of the doubt?

[SmileFace]

Ok, I am just trying to get some insight if I am too lenient when it comes to guys and relationships in general.

 

For example - Say if I am planning a date with a guy and he mentions for us to meet at his house for a first date.

 

Isn't it my place to make the choice if I want to go to his house or not.

 

If he sticks around ,great, if not ,oh well.

 

Or should I just cut all contact at that point .If "going to his apartment to watch a movie" is all he can ask me to do. Should I just assume he is looking for one thing and run for the hills.If I am not looking for that one thing at the moment

 

I understand people would usually push their limits. This may not be the best example but I hope it gets my point across.Should you generally give people the benefit of the doubt or just cut all ties at the first sign?

[daphne]

That's a great question. I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I've had a lot of experience with people trying to cross boundaries and do things that are beneficial for themselves and not for me. It depends on your age.

 

In your scenario, I don't think there's much of a doubt that this guy isn't really treating this as a real date. He doesn't sound like relationship material. If you're looking for a relationship, you need to hop on the next train, imo.

 

In general, if you're young you're just going to have to experience things and I would venture lean on the side of giving the beneift of the doubt. I know that as women, we can really dq a guy for any VARIETY of arbitrary reasons. One of mine was he didn't ask me out for Valentine's day after our first date. Terrible, I know but we've all done it. However, the benefit of the doubt to me doesn't include putting yourself in an awkward position for a first date (or until you're ready.)

 

If you give people the benefit of the doubt when the behavior isn't clearly egregious (i.e. don't go into drama mama role like some others here when things don't go their way), you'll have time to make an overall assessment of a guy and learn patterns. This is pretty damn helpful, I might add. Then you don't regret and beat yourself up over whether you were too harsh or overanalyzing.

 

I'm actually doing this now because I realize that I have a huge propensity to write guys off without looking at the whole picture. If I want a relationship, I'm going to have to ease up and get to know them, flaws and all.

 

No guy is perfect. You're not perfect. A guy that's trying hard, even if he's screwing up, is still a guy that likes you enough to try hard. I wouldn't say movie guy is such a guy.

[SmileFace]

The example I gave was just a mere example. In a situation like that I would run for the hills(if I am looking for a relationship).

 

Just like you I am trying to give people the benefit of the doubt before writing them off. I am no way saying I let people take advantage of my emotions but I try to be more understanding.

 

Thanks for your reply

 

I find when dating . I am quick to write guys off . I now see that is wrong since like you said everyone isn't perfect :-)

[tigressA]

I'm experimenting with this now, during my multi-dating. I've had sporadic contact with the guys I've gone out with so far in between dates, and I'm used to there being more. Then again, I'm used to talking every day, going on a few dates, hooking up, then having things fizzle out. I'm just trying to go with the flow, let things happen, and not assume that there's a lack of interest just because there isn't a whole lot of contact.

[SmileFace]

I'm experimenting with this now, during my multi-dating. I've had sporadic contact with the guys I've gone out with so far in between dates, and I'm used to there being more. Then again, I'm used to talking every day, going on a few dates, hooking up, then having things fizzle out. I'm just trying to go with the flow, let things happen, and not assume that there's a lack of interest just because there isn't a whole lot of contact.

Yeah this is how it usually goes for me as well. I don't know what the inbetween should be when it comes to contact.

[tigressA]

Yeah this is how it usually goes for me as well. I don't know what the inbetween should be when it comes to contact.

 

I think it just matters that you're comfortable, that there's no anxiety. In my case, I'm comfortable with how things are going so it's just right for me.

[fishtaco]

I've had things go wrong both ways.

 

Girl #1. She acted like she really liked me. But we all know, that's just games. You never know if that's real or not. Got her contact info, had some communication, set a date. When I called to confirm, she never returned my call. I didn't give her the benefit of the doubt and dropped her. Years later, turned out she really liked me and was wondering what happened to the date. And was kind of hurt by it. Still not sure what had happened to cause the loss of communication, but seems like it wasn't intentional on her part. So possibly, if I did give her the benefit of the doubt, and assume that she DID like me and she wasn't just flirting for fun, and tried to call again, things may have happened differently.

 

So I should have given her the benefit of the doubt.

 

Girl #2. Everything was really cool, her actions actually matched her words... imagine that! Such a rarity. Then at the first date, she wouldn't kiss me, amongst other things. Basically I felt she kept me at arm's length. Normally I'd say, ok, her interest level is low, this turned out to be more like a friend date, bail out!!! But I gave her the benefit of the doubt that she's not that type, and if she really wasn't interested in me she'd tell me. Maybe she's just conservative and cautious. Fast forward a month and a half, I was right. She's not interested. But for the first half she kept saying yes and showing up to dates (but kept me at arm's length), then the second half she kept flaking. I got the clue as soon as she started flaking but I took an extra week to verify because I was giving her the benefit of the doubt, again. In the end, she didn't have the courage to tell me no, and just kept dodging me. I had to finally pin her down and say "let's be friends", because I was tired of her BS, then she spilled the beans and did that "it's not you it's me" talk.

 

So I should NOT have given her the benefit of the doubt, twice.

 

So it's a difficult call...

[xpaperxcutx]

If it was two years ago, I would say I have more confidence and trust in most of the men I'd met. Nowadays, it doesn't even have to be confirmed by circumstances and situations, I can already tell by a guy's action whether he's being genuine or being completely fake.

 

Also, experience has taught me that being too trusting of someone ultimately is my own downfall. I expect others to work to earn my trust and I would do the same thing likewise in order to earn others' trust in me.

[Butterflying]

I'm gonna say go with your gut feeling. Sometimes it is okay to give a person the benefit of a doubt. But if it makes you uncomfortable, especially on a first date, don't do it. It's that simple!

 

I know we're not getting any younger and as this pattern continues with not finding the right guy, it seems like an impossible situation. So we want to give in, and give up.

 

If he can't afford to go out, he should plan and outing that doesn't involve money. But he shouln't expect you to sacrifice comfort due to his short commings. A good man will strive to provide the best for you in everything with whatever resources he has. The fact that he is "willing" is the important quality about him.

 

If you have other things in your life to be happy about, focus on those things. Then you won't be so easily discouraged when a guy stops dating you over something like this. I mean really, if a guy decides not to see you anymore because you didn't want to have a date at his house, this is not the kind of guy you want to spend time with anyway. Most likely he has an agenda that is not in your best interest.

[SmileFace]

So it's a difficult call...

 

I agree it is a difficult call. Like you I usually given the wrong person the benefit of the doubt. It is such a hard thing to decipher.

 

I'm gonna say go with your gut feeling. Sometimes it is okay to give a person the benefit of a doubt. But if it makes you uncomfortable, especially on a first date, don't do it. It's that simple!

 

I know we're not getting any younger and as this pattern continues with not finding the right guy, it seems like an impossible situation. So we want to give in, and give up.

 

.

 

I understand what you are saying (bolded text). Me personally - I am no where close to giving up. I am still young and stuck in the "there is better out there " stage.

 

But when is it time to give up? I know it sounds bad but isn't there a time for this?

 

 

Also, experience has taught me that being too trusting of someone ultimately is my own downfall. I expect others to work to earn my trust and I would do the same thing likewise in order to earn others' trust in me.

Yeah it is one thing to be trusting but I have learned that people only do to me what I allow them . If that makes sense.

[daphne]

I've had things go wrong both ways.

 

Girl #1.

 

So I should have given her the benefit of the doubt.

 

Girl #2.

 

So I should NOT have given her the benefit of the doubt, twice.

 

So it's a difficult call...

 

I definitely think you blew it on girl 1. I don't think you blew it with girl 2.

 

I feel like everyone's struggling for the right to launch first so quickly that they're forgetting that it's not a competition. Does it matter who makes the decision? Not really. It feels like it does when you're younger because the ego is at stake but regret runs much deeper than ego. If you pass someone up that later you realize was a good catch and maybe you screwed up, it sucks worse than the idiot you don't care about that rejected you at some point down the road. They liberated you. Sometimes we don't really even know what we want so who cares if someone you're not in love with rejects you? Infatuation or just general interest don't count here.

 

If you're putting yourself out there with the intention of developing a relationship, it's best to go into it without being trigger happy. If someone rejects you early on in the courtship process, it doesn't have to be a big deal because this person DOES NOT KNOW YOU well enough to have an impact on what you think about yourself. Now it's different in a breakup of a long term relationship. That's another story.