Men: How Would You Feel if Your Girlfriend Said "I Love You" First?

[artchick88]

I've been with my boyfriend for a bit over two months now.

We just got back from a really romantic vacation, and I was hoping he would tell me he loved me.

When we first started dating things were INCREDIBLE! He wanted to be exclusive almost immediately and asked me if I would follow him next year when he moves. I am in love with him, he treats me better than ANYONE, anyone anyone ever has. I want him to be my best friend, lover, everything. I want to be with him for a long time. More than all, I want him to tell me he's in love with me.

I feel like as we move out of the infatuation stage and more into being comfortable with one another, I need to feel the security of knowing he feels as strongly about me as I do about him. One problem: he hasn't told me he loves me.

He's ten years older than I am, and I'm afraid that if I say it first, he will be turned off.

How would you feel if your girlfriend told you she loved you before you said it?

Why hasn't he said it yet? (Yes, I realize it's possible that he doesn't love me -- which is obviously a huge part of the anxiety.)

I guess I partially want to tell him so that if he doesn't feel the same way, I can end it without investing too much in him.

What are your thoughts?

 

And yes, I realize how needy and dumb this all may sound, which is why I am posting here in LS rather than whining to him about him not loving me enough or something terribly pathetic like that.

 

 

Thanks.

[refurb]

It would all depend on how I felt about her. If, at the 2 month point, I was feeling very strongly about her I would welcome the comment. If I was still in the "getting to know you" phase, it might make me freak out a little bit, but then again, I'm the kind of person who would talk about it, not disappear.

 

RF

[elastica]

Hope you forgive me, I am not a man. But I am curious about this as well. However, let me just tell you that (in my experience) 2 months is NOTHING for a man! He might be turned off because he would feel you are moving too fast. Although you don't say anything about his personality, I think men (generally) need more time to feel comfortable enough to say it. I have always been patient with my bfs, and usually they opened up and confessed love after being in a relationship for about a year!

[make me believe]

I said I love you first to my boyfriend after 9 weeks, and he was THRILLED. For some reason a lot of people on LS say that the girl shouldn't say it first, but I've said it first in 2 of my relationships and it never turned out badly. I tried to wait & let my BF say it first but I was seriously about to burst and couldn't hold it in any longer. lol.

 

It's great that your BF treats you so nicely, but honestly a lot of guys will get suuuuper enthusiastic & want to take things really fast in the beginning, and then they kinda back off a bit and realize they were rushing things too much. It COULD be that's what your BF is doing. But who knows? If you really feel strongly about it, tell him you love him!! If he doesn't return the sentiment, well, at least you know, right?

[artchick88]

Hope you forgive me, I am not a man. But I am curious about this as well. However, let me just tell you that (in my experience) 2 months is NOTHING for a man! He might be turned off because he would feel you are moving too fast. Although you don't say anything about his personality, I think men (generally) need more time to feel comfortable enough to say it. I have always been patient with my bfs, and usually they opened up and confessed love after being in a relationship for about a year!

 

Yeah, i agree. For me, personally, a year is much too long!!! How could you ever wait that long? Thank you for sharing your experience though.

 

I think I am surprised he hasn't said it because he asked me to be exclusive after a few dates, and asked me if I would consider living/moving with him after about 6 weeks and even started trying to figure out Grad programs for me to apply to so that we could both be involved in something wherever we move together. That is why I don't think two months is too soon for him, but who knows-- obviously he's has said it for SOME reason!!

[artchick88]

I said I love you first to my boyfriend after 9 weeks, and he was THRILLED. For some reason a lot of people on LS say that the girl shouldn't say it first, but I've said it first in 2 of my relationships and it never turned out badly. I tried to wait & let my BF say it first but I was seriously about to burst and couldn't hold it in any longer. lol.

 

It's great that your BF treats you so nicely, but honestly a lot of guys will get suuuuper enthusiastic & want to take things really fast in the beginning, and then they kinda back off a bit and realize they were rushing things too much. It COULD be that's what your BF is doing. But who knows? If you really feel strongly about it, tell him you love him!! If he doesn't return the sentiment, well, at least you know, right?

 

I think I will say it. I hope we will be thrilled.... I literally cannot wait for him to say it. I feel sad all the time because I want to express this so much and I'm starting to resent him for not saying it. I shouldn't resent him, I should just tell him. And you're right. If it's not reciprocated then I guess at least I know.

[AverageJoe]

Hope you forgive me, I am not a man. But I am curious about this as well. However, let me just tell you that (in my experience) 2 months is NOTHING for a man!

 

This.

 

Two months should be nothing for anyone, man or woman. Two months?? That is lust not love.

[AverageJoe]

. If it's not reciprocated then I guess at least I know.

 

Know what exactly?

[artchick88]

Know what exactly?

 

if the feelings of love are mutual.

I don't really think you can determine how I feel since you don't feel my emotions. I love him.

 

How he feels about love vs. lust: your guess is just as good as mine.

 

But maybe you're right. Maybe he hasn't said it because he's older and wiser than I am, and he realizes that the feelings may just boil down to lust.

The confusing part is the plans to be together long term. This, for me, shows feelings that are deeper than lust. But, perhaps I am wrong again.

[AverageJoe]

Why is it expected to be mutual? It has only been two months.

[artchick88]

Why is it expected to be mutual? It has only been two months.

 

I think you are not reading what I am saying. Thanks for your input though.

[somedude81]

From what I've heard men should not say the I love you's till after the woman says it. Women are more likely to leave if the man says it first.

 

So by all means, please say it first.

[Feelin Frisky]

There's the big distinction between loving and being love with someone to consider. Many persons in couples relationships come to the "I love him or her but I'm not "in love" with him or her" scenario. If you feel you're really "in love" with him and see him as "the one" and don't give a shi+ about eating, sleeping or politics , find some way to tell him you're "in love with him" or "falling in love with" or "have fallen in love" with him. As a man I would be disarmed by that and feel for the woman whereas hearing "I love you" tends to put me on the spot. Who doesn't want to be in love? That's the ultimate ideal. When a person says "I'm in love with you" they are going all the way to heaven past: I love you (asterisk)BUT.......... I'm sorta, kinda, not sure, or am not in love with you. If you're really there, pick the right moment and express yourself. Best wishes for requitement.

[artchick88]

I don't think we should generalize this situation, since it depends mostly on the persons involved. But, if it was me, I'd be ecstatic to find out that the lady I'm with has strong emotions for me.

 

Don't over think it and try to "maneuver" your way in this situation. If you feel a certain way, communicate it to him. Since I'm a guy, I'd say that if you really love him you should try communicate it through your actions first. Although this requires much more thought and effort, it allows you to see how you really feel and how he feels as well.

 

Actions always speak louder than words.

 

I appreciate your feedback. My actions are loud and clear: I LOVE YOU! I'm pretty sure is written all over my face. He knows this is how I am and reciprocates these displays of affection.

[artchick88]

There's the big distinction between loving and being love with someone to consider. Many persons in couples relationships come to the "I love him or her but I'm not "in love" with him or her" scenario. If you feel you're really "in love" with him and see him as "the one" and don't give a shi+ about eating, sleeping or politics , find some way to tell him you're "in love with him" or "falling in love with" or "have fallen in love" with him. As a man I would be disarmed by that and feel for the woman whereas hearing "I love you" tends to put me on the spot. Who doesn't want to be in love? That's the ultimate ideal. When a person says "I'm in love with you" they are going all the way to heaven past: I love you (asterisk)BUT.......... I'm sorta, kinda, not sure, or am not in love with you. If you're really there, pick the right moment and express yourself. Best wishes for requitement.

 

Wow, this is great advice!!! thank you!!

[folieadeux]

Everyone's situation will be different; there really is no specified time frame or right or wrong way to express it. Being in love is one of those completely involuntary things that just happens when it happens, and sometimes, of course, it doesn't happen at all.

 

My boyfriend said it to me first around this mark so if it feels right I say go for it.

[hoping2heal]

I've been with my boyfriend for a bit over two months now.

We just got back from a really romantic vacation, and I was hoping he would tell me he loved me.

When we first started dating things were INCREDIBLE! He wanted to be exclusive almost immediately and asked me if I would follow him next year when he moves. I am in love with him, he treats me better than ANYONE, anyone anyone ever has. I want him to be my best friend, lover, everything. I want to be with him for a long time. More than all, I want him to tell me he's in love with me.

I feel like as we move out of the infatuation stage and more into being comfortable with one another, I need to feel the security of knowing he feels as strongly about me as I do about him. One problem: he hasn't told me he loves me.

He's ten years older than I am, and I'm afraid that if I say it first, he will be turned off.

How would you feel if your girlfriend told you she loved you before you said it?

Why hasn't he said it yet? (Yes, I realize it's possible that he doesn't love me -- which is obviously a huge part of the anxiety.)

I guess I partially want to tell him so that if he doesn't feel the same way, I can end it without investing too much in him.

What are your thoughts?

 

And yes, I realize how needy and dumb this all may sound, which is why I am posting here in LS rather than whining to him about him not loving me enough or something terribly pathetic like that.

 

Thanks.

 

It has only been 8 weeks. Yet you would actually dump him if he didn't love you yet?

[AverageJoe]

It has only been 8 weeks. Yet you would actually dump him if he didn't love you yet?

 

That is how I read it. Was curious about that as well.

[Feelin Frisky]

Wow, this is great advice!!! thank you!!

 

Thanks. I thought about it a little more and wanted to change my post but it was too late. What I wanted to say was that telling a man "you've fallen in love with him" signals to him that he has WON you. Whereas saying "I love you" coveys a different dynamic. It's hard to say what "love" is, so it does kinda cause one to feel pressed for a response they may not be feeling quite so at that moment. Saying "I've fallen in love with you" in the right moment leaves no doubt of what you mean--you don't care about defining or prompting love, you just WANT TO SURRENDER TO IT and be as happy is it gets for what it's worth. So appealing.

[FearandLoathing]

I guess I partially want to tell him so that if he doesn't feel the same way, I can end it without investing too much in him.

What are your thoughts?

 

...If you love him, you've already invested a lot. You can't just end it . How would that make sense anyway? People grow and learn to love someone else once they know them as a whole person...if you end it he'll never love you for sure . You're already not even giving him an option or anything. Just tell him if that's what you want to do and he'll either get freaked out or he won't and if he doesn't but doesn't say he loves you yet, be patient.

[Lemontang]

Sometimes it works to pick your moment just to make it more memorable. My current girlfriend told me first at an Audrey's concert. I chose not to reciprocate at the time as I wanted to see if the relationship had any real legs to stand on as we were only 6 weeks in. So don't be disheartened if he doesn't respond likewise straight away.

 

Don't get me wrong I had and still have 'very' strong feelings for her but once things plateaued and we were more comfortable with each other then and only then could I really say it in return, for me it's not a throw away word like some people do. She never said it again mind you until I did. Oh yeah and I chose my moment to at a Lemonheads gigs just a few weeks back. Now neither of us can stop saying it

 

However without throwing oil into the fire I had made this mistake in the previous one saying it after 2 months only to have her break things off a weeks later. Apparently it was too much for her to handle

 

So I guess the moral is regardless of the outcome if you aren't willing to take that chance why waste your time wondering. So just go for it!

[elastica]

I would like to add a few things, but let me just say it is all my personal experience and you should not listen to what I say ... if you feel differently, just go after your guts! It seems you have already made up your mind anyway...

 

So first of all, I missed the info that he is actually 10 years older. Another thing why you should not do it! Probably he is less likely to rush into that level, simply due to being more mature and understanding the consequences of such feelings/commitment better. He might see you as immature. Well at least this is what I believe is generally true of men who are more mature and settled (as in 30+). Important factor: some men might have a mid-life crisis etc, and will show unusal behaviour (e.g. I consider planning moving in together after 2 months quite unusual).

 

Also, you say, "More than all, I want him to tell me he's in love with me." But why? Love is unconditional, you should know that too, if you are in love. I understand you want him to tell it to you, but you shouldn't be expecting it. You know he might not say the magic words back to you, right? Even if he does, I know I would totally not believe a person who says he loves me after dating for 8 weeks, and yes, I would run as far as I could.

Actually, I just remembered, it did happen once. The guy appeared extremely needy and clingy. He wanted me to meet his parents after dating for 2 months. I was young enough to do it, next thing I know, his mother is teling me, if we are so in love and so sure, why don't we get married?? That boy was desperate!

 

Anyway, as you read here, it has happened to people before that they confessed love to each other quite early and lived happily ever after. So just do what you believe/feel you should do, maybe he will be thrilled. By the way, is he shy?

Also, based on what Frisky said, maybe it would be a good idea to tell him indirectly, not saying ILY, but something that puts him at ease. Maybe try telling him that you want to talk to him about sg, and then say that you really enjoyed the weekend alot and you have never been so happy with anyone etc. And just see how he reacts.

[artchick88]

...If you love him, you've already invested a lot. You can't just end it . How would that make sense anyway? People grow and learn to love someone else once they know them as a whole person...if you end it he'll never love you for sure . You're already not even giving him an option or anything. Just tell him if that's what you want to do and he'll either get freaked out or he won't and if he doesn't but doesn't say he loves you yet, be patient.

 

This is all so scary to me. I know hearing those words could be scary to him, you're right I should be patient, but the idea of leaving, obviously is a defense mechanism.

To surrender so much power and then not have him surrender the same is incredibly scary.

 

And Just for the record, I do not intend to say it TODAY. I just have this overwhelming desire to express these feelings. I don't think 10 weeks is a short time to fall in love.

 

Anyway, maybe Im just idealistic or insecure. Either one could be right.

[refurb]

It so depends on the person and how the relationship has progressed thus far. If I had dated a woman for two months and spent the last month hanging out with her 3 or more days a week, I would not consider saying "I love you" as moving too fast. I might not feel that way at two months, but I wouldn't look at her like "you're crazy!!".

 

Then again, if I had dated a woman for two months and saw her once a week for 3-4 hours each time (8 dates), after two months I might think "dam! it's a little early to say that!", BUT if I was really into her, it wouldn't push me away.

 

RF

[artchick88]

It so depends on the person and how the relationship has progressed thus far. If I had dated a woman for two months and spent the last month hanging out with her 3 or more days a week, I would not consider saying "I love you" as moving too fast. I might not feel that way at two months, but I wouldn't look at her like "you're crazy!!".

 

Then again, if I had dated a woman for two months and saw her once a week for 3-4 hours each time (8 dates), after two months I might think "dam! it's a little early to say that!", BUT if I was really into her, it wouldn't push me away.

 

RF

 

 

We see each other every day and get along brilliantly. At the same time, we respect each other's need for space. We are both so considerate of one another and always go out of our way to do things for one another.

Given that we've been together about 10 or 11 weeks, we are already extremely close.

 

I think I will wait another month until I tell him I have "fallen in love with him." I don't want him to think I'm confessing lust. I really do love him. Perhaps it's irrational, but as is love.