caught completely off guard

[half_ofa_heart]

I have been trying to end my A pretty much since it started but thanks to LS this has been the longest I have gone with NC (3 weeks today). I blocked him in all the areas that I could (personal cell, personal email and IM) but we work for the same company (not same building) so I cannot block work email or phone. However, I have deleted the messages he has left and trashed the emails he has sent and there have been SEVERAL. He has also figured out a way to text me from the internet. I have not responded to any but one email over the weekend to please try harder in leaving me alone.

 

today, he sent me a meeting notice requesting to go to coffee, which I quickly declined. About an hour later, my desk phone rang and it was an inter company number with no name. I had no idea it was him. All the other times he has called - they were from HIS NUMBERS!

 

I should have hung up right then and there but I didn't! Let me just reitterate that I am NOT ending it because I don't love him - I'm ending it because I will not be the option anymore.

 

The first thing out of his mouth was "when I leave my W, how long do I have to wait for us to be together?" How on earth am I supposed to respond to that???? I told him we'd cross that bridge when we get to it. Told him that IF he were to leave his wife - it had to be because HE wanted to leave his wife and NOT BECAUSE OF ME!!! He told me that no matter how much time I try to stay away from him - he will always love me! UGH!!!! I hate this!

 

He also told me that he had a conversation with his W over the weekend and that she said to him, she didn't understand why they were together because they had nothing in common, nothing to talk about therefore nothing to say to each other. WHY IS HE TELLING ME THIS???

 

I know what I need to do (stay the hell away from him) but it is so hard when they are "saying" everything you want them to "DO"!

 

I am shaking for so many reasons - how come I just didn't hang up? Is he telling me the truth? If not, why is he telling me this???

[MorningCoffee]

I have been trying to end my A pretty much since it started but thanks to LS this has been the longest I have gone with NC (3 weeks today). I blocked him in all the areas that I could (personal cell, personal email and IM) but we work for the same company (not same building) so I cannot block work email or phone. However, I have deleted the messages he has left and trashed the emails he has sent and there have been SEVERAL. He has also figured out a way to text me from the internet. I have not responded to any but one email over the weekend to please try harder in leaving me alone.

 

today, he sent me a meeting notice requesting to go to coffee, which I quickly declined. About an hour later, my desk phone rang and it was an inter company number with no name. I had no idea it was him. All the other times he has called - they were from HIS NUMBERS!

 

I should have hung up right then and there but I didn't! Let me just reitterate that I am NOT ending it because I don't love him - I'm ending it because I will not be the option anymore.

 

The first thing out of his mouth was "when I leave my W, how long do I have to wait for us to be together?" How on earth am I supposed to respond to that???? I told him we'd cross that bridge when we get to it. Told him that IF he were to leave his wife - it had to be because HE wanted to leave his wife and NOT BECAUSE OF ME!!! He told me that no matter how much time I try to stay away from him - he will always love me! UGH!!!! I hate this!

 

He also told me that he had a conversation with his W over the weekend and that she said to him, she didn't understand why they were together because they had nothing in common, nothing to talk about therefore nothing to say to each other. WHY IS HE TELLING ME THIS???

 

I know what I need to do (stay the hell away from him) but it is so hard when they are "saying" everything you want them to "DO"!

 

I am shaking for so many reasons - how come I just didn't hang up? Is he telling me the truth? If not, why is he telling me this???

 

Although your MM is more persistent than ex-AP/MW, it still boils down to: words. words. words.

 

As someone else said on LS, no "walkie, walkie to go with the talkie, talkie".

[carrie999]

Although your MM is more persistent than ex-AP/MW, it still boils down to: words. words. words.

 

As someone else said on LS, no "walkie, walkie to go with the talkie, talkie".

 

OP, I admire your strength. NC is difficult enough for those who are just trying to move on and forget about someone, especially when they make even the slightest effort to engage you again. I can't even imagine how hard it is when he's actively pursuing you!

 

But as you said, the first words out of his mouth were basically IF I leave, WHEN will you make yourself available? He's only going to leave her for you, not because he realizes that he shouldn't be with her for multiple reasons. Clearly, I don't have to explain to you how screwed up that is, and how obvious it is that he's not going to leave until he's certain you'll be there to replace that void in his life.

 

You already know the right answer. Stay away from him, and keep avoiding him. If you even bother to speak with him again, point out that he's only brought up leaving since he lost you, and will only leave if he feels secure that he will get you back. He's not ready to be with anyone, given his priorities and behavior.

 

Stay strong. Move on. Don't let him feel like there are lines of communication open. Best of luck to you!

[siuys]

I agree with sadintexas. It's all about action. If he's too much of a wimp to sort out his **** ON HIS OWN then you are nothing more than a crutch. If xMM ever contacts me again I will either ignore him or tell him to call me when he is divorced, have had time on his own, and has faced up and dealt with all issues and not just running away from her to me. Meanwhile, like me, you need to try REALLY hard and move the hell on. Don't wait, don't hope, don't do anything except work on yourself and avoid him like a plague. If you keep talking to him, he won't have to do anything and then you're left with more what-if, but this but that. Bit ****ty how you work together have to say, but hanging up would be the way to go!

[half_ofa_heart]

Since that phone call my heart feels like it's been put thru a meat grinder. Certainly not the first time in this relationship but it's funny how we forget just how awful it feels. We exchanged a very emotional email between last night and this morning. He acknowledged that he is being selfish by asking me to stand by and share him with another woman. He understands and is trying very hard to respect my wishes to leave me alone but finds it sooo hard because he feels as though a part of him is missing. He promised to work out his issues and even though he couldn't make any promises he wants me to know that he truly does love me and that he needs me to understand and believe that.

 

I know, I know... all words but they just happen to be the words I want to hear. This must be the bargaining stage. My heart is bargaining with my brain. My brain knows what I need to do and my heart is just wanting to feel better. I have never been this confused in my life.

 

[blinded_27]

Aww *hugs* 'HOH'. I know what you're going through. You were doing sooooo well! Don't beat yourself up. You had no idea it was him... and even if you did, most of us might have made the same mistake in picking up the phone.

 

Just leave it as it is. In my situation, as of last night, my MM said the same thing to me. Everything I wanted to hear. Just out of the blue too because all of a sudden I refused to speak to him! You'll never know whether he is telling the truth or not right now, so it's best to leave it as "call me when you have proof". IF that's what you want of course. If he does, great. You can decide then what you want to do. If he doesn't, then it's for the best he isn't in your life and you can continue healing and taking care of yourself.

 

I'm not sure if you're struggling with the same questions I am right now, after all the pain and hurt he's put you through, and keeping you as just another 'option', would you even consider him to be a part of your life long term if he were to actually leave his wife?

[siuys]

hugs to both of you heart and blinded. been there, done that too. awful feeling. what if, should i, shouldn't i believe him.... driving yourself mental... analysing everything he's telling or not telling you.

 

i think (hope) i'm over that stage now. day 16 NC and i'm feeling quite good. still have some sleep issues and still thinking of him far too much but that should reduce soon. it's already reducing.

 

i used to think yeah, i'll wait until he's sorted himself out. but i won't now. why should i put my life on hold? why doesn't HE put his life on hold? anyway, i just remembered that when we 'said goodbye', we left it at 'you get on with your life, i get on with mine, and we'll see what happens'... so yeah, we'll see what happens. my bet is nothing. but that's ok coz i have my life to live now without all the pain and drama. i honestly hope he finds peace and happiness. he was such a miserable sack of **** i felt sorry for him.

[half_ofa_heart]

Group HUG Siuys and Blinded! I sooooo needed one! Would I take him if he left his W??? I love him and I know he loves me. If he were to leave his wife; I would love him no questions asked. I wouldn't worry about him doing to me what he did to his W just because I am not programmed that way. What would worry me the most is him regretting leaving his M FOR ME. Which is why I tell him over and over and over again that if he left, it would have to be because he no longer wants to be married to her, not because he wants to be with me.

 

I realize all the statistics state that if he did leave her, we would be doomed. Honestly, I don't think he ever will so its pointless to even discuss. He has two older children; one almost in college and another two years away from college AND one small toddler. He keeps telling me that if he didn't have the toddler - he would have already been gone.

 

I am going thru so many personal issues (in the process of losing my home) that I feel like I'm incredibly vulnerable. I am normally so strong willed and independant and truly do not recognize this weak person I see in the mirror.

 

You guys have each been holding me up without even realizing it. Thank you both for listening and taking the time to pick me up when I'm lying on the ground.

[AlektraClementine]

Here's something to consider.

 

He is not honoring his commitment to his wife. He's disrespecting her by engaging in another relationship before they've dissolved their commitment. He is showing you with his actions just how far he can go to disrespect a woman he once professed to love.

 

Perhaps you could say something along those lines to him. That you will consider a relationship with him once he can prove that he is an honorable man and is capable of doing the right thing. Until he shows respect to his wife and shows respect for your wishes of NC until he is free to actually be with you, you've no desire to speak to him.

 

I believe people can change. Sometimes it takes perspective, and sometimes it takes a "hard line" from a person they love.

 

You are showing amazing strength right now. Best of luck!

[calliope]

While I do think NC is definitely the best way to go to get over MM, if you're not ready to get over him, I don't think it'll work anyway.

 

I know for sure that if this happened to me, I'd feel exactly the same way you do. I'd think all the same things you're thinking. Our situations are extremely similar - right down to not recognizing the person in the mirror!

 

I honestly don't know what advice to give you because I'm still really confused and trying to put my own thoughts together. I just wanted to let you know that you have another ear and shoulder here too.... hug..

[half_ofa_heart]

Here's something to consider.

 

He is not honoring his commitment to his wife. He's disrespecting her by engaging in another relationship before they've dissolved their commitment. He is showing you with his actions just how far he can go to disrespect a woman he once professed to love.

 

Perhaps you could say something along those lines to him. That you will consider a relationship with him once he can prove that he is an honorable man and is capable of doing the right thing. Until he shows respect to his wife and shows respect for your wishes of NC until he is free to actually be with you, you've no desire to speak to him.

 

I believe people can change. Sometimes it takes perspective, and sometimes it takes a "hard line" from a person they love.

 

You are showing amazing strength right now. Best of luck!

 

Alektra, thank you! I feel so battered and bruised most of the time that I know I'm not thinking straight let alone muster up the correct words to describe what I'm feeling. Those are wise words and IF I speak to him again, I will reitterate those words.

[half_ofa_heart]

While I do think NC is definitely the best way to go to get over MM, if you're not ready to get over him, I don't think it'll work anyway.

 

I know for sure that if this happened to me, I'd feel exactly the same way you do. I'd think all the same things you're thinking. Our situations are extremely similar - right down to not recognizing the person in the mirror!

 

I honestly don't know what advice to give you because I'm still really confused and trying to put my own thoughts together. I just wanted to let you know that you have another ear and shoulder here too.... hug..

 

Thanks Calli, we have to get thru this - we just have to!

[calliope]

Thanks Calli, we have to get thru this - we just have to!

 

We will.

[calliope]

Haven't seen an update, been wondering how you're doing ...?

[half_ofa_heart]

Hi Calli, Today was a horrible horrible day! Went back 10 steps. I am going thru some MAJOR personal issues and felt like I was at rock bottom. He called me at work and emailed many times. I was very weak and answered the phone. He sent me a gift via interoffice mail since I wasn't responding to any requests and I just didn't have any more will power.

 

He continues to profess his love for me. Tells me over and over again that the only reason he stays in M is for his youngest child. I told him I understood but CANNOT sit by and wait. He claims to understand but misses me so. Feels like he's missing a limb wants to be there for me thru my personal ordeal. I told him I'd love that but unfortunately my pain doesn't have a switch that I can turn off when its time for him to go home. That having him for a few hours then watching him leave just ADDS to my anxiety.

 

I cried myself to sleep last night and cried most of the day today (at work). I must say that hearing his voice was soothing but I know its just temporary and the real pain is on its way if I let him back in my life. I asked him today what he would do if his W were to find out and he said Part of him hopes she does so he doesn't have to hide anymore. I know he doesn't mean that. I know this is killing him as we would speak a million times a day and us not talking - is the worst for him.

 

I guess tomorrow I'm back to day 1

[calliope]

I know how hard this is, I honestly do. It's ok that you gave in..I know I would too. I also know how hard it is to try to stay away when he's in so much pain and you just want to do whatever you can to make things better for him.

 

We have to just keep plugging on. There'll be lots of back steps, but as long as there are still forward steps, we'll make it.... hugs...

[half_ofa_heart]

I know how hard this is, I honestly do. It's ok that you gave in..I know I would too. I also know how hard it is to try to stay away when he's in so much pain and you just want to do whatever you can to make things better for him.

 

We have to just keep plugging on. There'll be lots of back steps, but as long as there are still forward steps, we'll make it.... hugs...

 

Thanks Calli! Today is a new day and I feel empty inside. Day 1

[calliope]

Today is day 7 of NC/LC and I feel empty inside too...

[half_ofa_heart]

Today is day 7 of NC/LC and I feel empty inside too...

 

I just keep telling myself that its cuz of the holidays and give myself the short term goal of getting thru these next few weeks. We all know what OUR New Year's Resolution will be don't we???

 

Keep up the good work Calli!

[calliope]

I'm counting down days (5) until I go out of town for the holidays. I'll be in a different province so will be plenty far away. It won't make it easier for me, but at least I'll be distracted by family and visiting and things to do. I don't look forward to coming back to it all again afterwards though.

[ItsNeverForever]

I'm counting down days (5) until I go out of town for the holidays. I'll be in a different province so will be plenty far away. It won't make it easier for me, but at least I'll be distracted by family and visiting and things to do. I don't look forward to coming back to it all again afterwards though.

 

Take me with youuuuuuuuuuuuu!!! *sobs* I want to go away. I want to forget.

 

Can I stow away in your bags?

[calliope]

Sure! I'll just forego clothes! haha! I think a break away from here/work will be good for me....

[East7]

I would raise some points :

 

- I think he is in the withdrawal state and his addiction to you makes him profess promises that he might be unwilling/unable to honor or to execute.

 

- Breaking NC is always very painful, everything comes back. You go to square one especially when you see that nothing changes. You will suffer even more when you'll notice that once you give in and feel compassion, he will have his "fix", he will feel more comfortable and will be saying much less promises.

 

- Dont try to fight many battles at once. If you have personal issues the MM you will not be focused enough to more serious issues (losing home etc) and you may confuse your priorities.

 

Another point : Did you guys know that statistically the 3-weeks is the lapse of time people break NC and that's valid for regular relationships not only A. XMW broke NC after exactly 3 weeks. To psych majors that is the time that conditions our brain to crack for someone we are missing.

[half_ofa_heart]

I would raise some points :

 

- I think he is in the withdrawal state and his addiction to you makes him profess promises that he might be unwilling/unable to honor or to execute.

 

- Breaking NC is always very painful, everything comes back. You go to square one especially when you see that nothing changes. You will suffer even more when you'll notice that once you give in and feel compassion, he will have his "fix", he will feel more comfortable and will be saying much less promises.

 

- Dont try to fight many battles at once. If you have personal issues the MM you will not be focused enough to more serious issues (losing home etc) and you may confuse your priorities.

 

Another point : Did you guys know that statistically the 3-weeks is the lapse of time people break NC and that's valid for regular relationships not only A. XMW broke NC after exactly 3 weeks. To psych majors that is the time that conditions our brain to crack for someone we are missing.

 

Thanks East,

 

I am trying whole heartedly to fight off the urges to respond to each email, text and phone message. I've blocked him from the areas I can but there are many other ways. He tried to give me space but that only lasted about 7 days. He continued after that at least once or twice per day. I understand this all too well as I have been down this road with him many many many other times. The only difference is all the other times, I caved and saw him within one or two weeks. This time, I haven't seen him for 1 month today. The NC has been more like LC because he has gotten emails and message thru to me not to mention the phone call I answered the other day and yesterday.

 

His gift to me was a CD he put together of all the songs he has sent me over the relationship and songs that remind him of me. It doesn't sound like much but from him it is a lot. He is very musically oriented and music is his passion. I tried not to listen to it but with all that I am going thru, I was looking for some compassion. I want to believe his words. I want so bad to believe that he truly does love me but by staying in his M - it just doesn't ring true.

 

Thanks again for all your words of wisdom. I am listening to them and trying to implement best I can.

 

hugs