KarmasTestDummy Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I've been asked many times how long I will give mm before enough is enough and I decide I want more. There have been alot of opinions on my R and I stand by giving it time and seeing the outcome through, but of all the voices, I'm curious, how long did it take you to come to your own conclusion? I've only been in it 6 months. I personally think that is early to expect him to make life altering decisions about not only our future but the future of his family. I can't answer the how long question because I think the decision of when will come from within and shouldn't be hasty. One year maybe more, but then I hear people saying they withstood 3-4 years plus and for me that's not necessarily something I think I would be in for. It's no secret I want more out of the R...that's a typical expectation that comes with the feelings of being in love but I am not one to push him to make a decision. That's theirs, and theirs alone. So how long did u withstand?
Star_Bright Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I've been asked many times how long I will give mm before enough is enough and I decide I want more. There have been alot of opinions on my R and I stand by giving it time and seeing the outcome through, but of all the voices, I'm curious, how long did it take you to come to your own conclusion? I've only been in it 6 months. I personally think that is early to expect him to make life altering decisions about not only our future but the future of his family. I can't answer the how long question because I think the decision of when will come from within and shouldn't be hasty. One year maybe more, but then I hear people saying they withstood 3-4 years plus and for me that's not necessarily something I think I would be in for. It's no secret I want more out of the R...that's a typical expectation that comes with the feelings of being in love but I am not one to push him to make a decision. That's theirs, and theirs alone. So how long did u withstand? Wow, I couldn't even withstand six months. As soon as exMM kept telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me, I told him he better start bringing some walkie walkie to match all that talkie talkie. He didn't (well, he pretended/tried to -- moving out and talking to an attorney and other such things, but they never came to any fruition), so I left. I think six months of your life is already too long to be giving to someone who has shown you no guarantees. Everyone deserves better than that. It's like that quote that you should never make someone a priority when they only make you an option! Karma has your MM told you he is getting divorced? If so what kind of timeline has he given you??
Carrot2000 Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Nearly a decade. I could kick myself for losing that much time on someone who didn't have an honest bone in his body (including the one in his pants).
jennie-jennie Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Karma, if it ended tomorrow, would you regret having had a relationship with him? Only stay as long as you can answer no to that question. When you need to have a final end result for the relationship to be worth it, then it is time to end it.
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 Wow, I couldn't even withstand six months. As soon as exMM kept telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me, I told him he better start bringing some walkie walkie to match all that talkie talkie. He didn't (well, he pretended/tried to -- moving out and talking to an attorney and other such things, but they never came to any fruition), so I left. I think six months of your life is already too long to be giving to someone who has shown you no guarantees. Everyone deserves better than that. It's like that quote that you should never make someone a priority when they only make you an option! Karma has your MM told you he is getting divorced? If so what kind of timeline has he given you?? Really Star? Oh wow I thought yours went on much longer. But no, he has not said he is leaving her. We are not at the point of making promises and decisions. We are more at the part of I love you's and envisioning a future but not discussing what the actions involve. I know he wouldn't walk this time of year with his kids and the holidays anyway.
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 Nearly a decade. I could kick myself for losing that much time on someone who didn't have an honest bone in his body (including the one in his pants). Oh yikes...big hugs!!!!!!!
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 Karma, if it ended tomorrow, would you regret having had a relationship with him? Only stay as long as you can answer no to that question. When you need to have a final end result for the relationship to be worth it, then it is time to end it. Jennie, unless it destroyed me as a woman or hurt My children I can't imagine ever regretting the relationship, today or 5 years from today. I don't believe time is wasted if you're in love and receiving love even if u don't have every little aspect of him. I challenge everything in my life to be a lesson for the future and assist Me in becoming the person I want to be. MM is no different.
Confused4Now Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 I believe time lines are like going NC if your not ready to enforce it doesn't matter what date you put on it. When you done your done....
jennie-jennie Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Jennie, unless it destroyed me as a woman or hurt My children I can't imagine ever regretting the relationship, today or 5 years from today. I don't believe time is wasted if you're in love and receiving love even if u don't have every little aspect of him. I challenge everything in my life to be a lesson for the future and assist Me in becoming the person I want to be. MM is no different. You are a wise woman. That is a very healthy approach to life.
always_waitings Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 I ended up giving him 6 months to make a move but I have no patience in waiting (for anything in life), I decided by than that was all my heart could handle...If he wasn't going to own up to his own words that he was moving out than Im not a girl to wait around... He took some time in that 6 months but eventually did move out...
4321sn Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 I've been asked many times how long I will give mm before enough is enough and I decide I want more. There have been alot of opinions on my R and I stand by giving it time and seeing the outcome through, but of all the voices, I'm curious, how long did it take you to come to your own conclusion? I've only been in it 6 months. I personally think that is early to expect him to make life altering decisions about not only our future but the future of his family. I can't answer the how long question because I think the decision of when will come from within and shouldn't be hasty. One year maybe more, but then I hear people saying they withstood 3-4 years plus and for me that's not necessarily something I think I would be in for. It's no secret I want more out of the R...that's a typical expectation that comes with the feelings of being in love but I am not one to push him to make a decision. That's theirs, and theirs alone. So how long did u withstand? Its really a personal choice, based on your relationship and what you both want from it. My MM has finally ended his marriage after a little over a year and a half. Told her he wanted a divorce. Moved in with his sister. Put the kids therapy and hired an attorney. It was hard for him. It was HARD for me to end my marriage as well. My XH remained in the house with me for an entire year after I told him I wanted a divorce. I happen to think that 6 months is not much time at all. It takes time to unravel a marriage. Plus your MM has 4 kids. There is a lot to consider. Many people say if he loved you he would be with you. I think that may be true in most cases but not all. The men who flip flop are usually the ones who leave quickly without hesitation. I wanted to give up many many times. I am still realistic. I very well know that I am not home free. I have a long road ahead. My advice to you is that as long as he is makes some progress and doesnt not remain stagnant then it is not so bad to wait a bit only if it is not too painful for you. As long as some action is taking place such as him going to IC I think you can remain if you truly see you self with this man. I told my MM that inorder for me to reamin i needed him to do something no matter how small each week. Some small progress every week. Whether going to therapy, talking with his sister, talking with her, browsing for apartments... At some point however enough has to be enough. You need to decide that for yourself.
wheelwright Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 He dropped me twice. I told him he had one more chance -that was part of understanding the circumstances. He blew it. End of.
wheelwright Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Its really a personal choice, based on your relationship and what you both want from it. My MM has finally ended his marriage after a little over a year and a half. Told her he wanted a divorce. Moved in with his sister. Put the kids therapy and hired an attorney. It was hard for him. It was HARD for me to end my marriage as well. My XH remained in the house with me for an entire year after I told him I wanted a divorce. I happen to think that 6 months is not much time at all. It takes time to unravel a marriage. Plus your MM has 4 kids. There is a lot to consider. Many people say if he loved you he would be with you. I think that may be true in most cases but not all. The men who flip flop are usually the ones who leave quickly without hesitation. I wanted to give up many many times. I am still realistic. I very well know that I am not home free. I have a long road ahead. My advice to you is that as long as he is makes some progress and doesnt not remain stagnant then it is not so bad to wait a bit only if it is not too painful for you. As long as some action is taking place such as him going to IC I think you can remain if you truly see you self with this man. I told my MM that inorder for me to reamin i needed him to do something no matter how small each week. Some small progress every week. Whether going to therapy, talking with his sister, talking with her, browsing for apartments... At some point however enough has to be enough. You need to decide that for yourself. It's not about real time. It's what in your own time works or doesn't. Your soul time.
hoping2heal Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 What I have noticed is that people give a final timeline and then extension after extension after extension. I remember the first affair story I became intrigued by, a very lovely and popular poster who recognized her situation for what it was and gave the best advice. She gave several extensions, even gave one after she threatened to end the relationship when he went on an anniversary cruise with his wife. I wonder what ever came of her and her situation... I have seen the same thing with anyone I've ever known personally who has been in an affair. They start off declaring they will be headsmart and not take any crap. They have their timeline, but when that comes he has not yet left the only other option is either to stay in the same situation or leave and usually the choice is to stay. I don't think most people get into an affair and think "I hope we are still going this a year from now" but affairs are like quick sand. The more time you spend in one, the more engulfed you become and the harder it is to walk out. Pretty you soon you are telling yourself all sorts of rationalizations to excuse the behavior. "Things are still new yet" "It really has not been that much time" "Well, he has kids and that is complicated" "There are money issues that could happen." It is not hard. In not all, but many cases AP's become isolated also. The affair becomes something intimate. Most people don't know the truth or know about the AP's relationship. There is little support so the MM becomes that support..if the relationship is to end where would the AP go? This is not the tried and true scenario for all but I believe it is for many and if you read enough threads on here, that is a pretty common echo. You are willing to tolerate and put up with a lot when you feel like you will be left with absolutely nothing.
siuys Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Didn't have a time line as such. I thought I'd assess things as I go. Turns out there were all these things I never even imagined - the flip flop, the moving out and back to wife, the emotional instability, the inconsistencies. Finally my anxiety attacks did it for me. It was either my health or him. So it lasted 10 months. Back a couple of months ago I had thought of giving this thing a year and see. Didn't even last that long. I thank my anxiety attacks. They are telling me loud and clear something is not right in your life - action time! Now, i only hope he doesn't contact me. I miss him but by far the best thing to say good bye.
Star_Bright Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Really Star? Oh wow I thought yours went on much longer. But no, he has not said he is leaving her. We are not at the point of making promises and decisions. We are more at the part of I love you's and envisioning a future but not discussing what the actions involve. I know he wouldn't walk this time of year with his kids and the holidays anyway. The progression of our relationship was very strange... he was my boss and we spent way too much personal time together. So I know we were having an emotional affair for quite some time, maybe 6 months?, but it's hard to tell when these things actually start, because it just went from drinking buddies to talking about our lives to suddenly wanting to spend all our time together, and text each other, and make sexual innuendos, etc. When the affair went physical, I thought it was going to be all fun and games. Selfishly I just wanted to try out the excitement and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would never leave his wife and family. Well he started to say he was falling in love with me, and he started to say he wanted to be with me and only me... This was the point, as hockeyfan said, that I started wanting action to back up these words. It's not like I was asking him to leave his wife, he was telling me he wanted to so I was like, okay then, do it. I believe that if you really love someone you will back up your feelings with actions and make things happen so that you can be together. He wasn't doing that so after a month, at the most?, I told him not to contact me if he hadn't moved out of the house. I never had a timeline per se, I just was not willing to be second best in his life when he was telling me he was in love with me. Call me selfish but I had no desire to share him, I also had no desire to remain his secret "love". Honestly in the beginning I had no problem being his secret sex partner or whatever, and I found it rather exhilirating, which yes is harmful and selfish but it was how it was. Once we started declaring our love for each other and our intentions to be together in the future, however, the game changed for me. Karma I honestly do not know how a woman can maintain her self-respect and be the other woman with a man she loves and who says he loves her. For me it was a soul-destroying process and I could not do it for very long at all. As you probably remember in my stich he called me after I went NC and told me he was moving out in 11 days. Then he did in fact move out in 11 days but it was very half-a@#ed... he took a suit and a book to the house of a friend of his who was overseas, ha ha. This set the pattern for what was to come -- I had naively assumed moving out meant first step to getting divorced and being with me, whereas he was clearly viewing it as doing the minimum I required for him to be in my life and also being able to hang on to his wife. This was no fun at all and as time dragged by and he wasn't taking action I totally lost respect for him. I don't understand a man who proclaims to love a woman and want to be with her, yet doesn't take the actions to make that happen. I couldn't handle it, some may say I was too demanding or impatient but come on, he is a big boy, a very grown man, and he should know how to do what it takes to get what he wants, which he said was me. He didn't do it, I was gone. Plain and simple. And walking away is something I don't regret at all. Staying with a man who was keeping me a secret and not backing up his words he told me with actions is what I regret... but I didn't do it that long so at least I learned a lesson.
Star_Bright Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Oh, I meant to add that after he moved out yet was not taking action, I set a timeline/deadline to myself, for him to have filed for divorce, which was my birthday (which just passed. ) He knew I had a deadline but he didn't know when it was -- I think this honestly inspired him to act more quickly, although, still it wasn't enough. He would say things like, "If I do it by Halloween, will that meet your deadline?" It's like in their heads they will get away with as much leeway as you give them! Argh it was frustrating. It turns out I couldn't wait long enough to see whether he did it by my deadline-- it was way too frustrating hearing the lies he told his wife, the excuses he made to me, the way he was dealing with his children... I just totally lost respect for him and couldn't go another day longer. So I walked away quite awhile before my birthday, but I'm glad because by the time my birthday rolled around I had managed to find some peace and closure for myself, I had started to get over him, and I was able to celebrate with nine of my girl friends all night long, without worrying about whether exMM was ever really going to leave his wife! I knew he wasn't, and I was fine with that, and proud of myself for walking away. It really is a very liberating feeling if you have been struggling with this... it is you taking control back of your life and deciding no matter what MM does, you are going to be true to yourself, which, for me, meant NOT being a man's sidedish.
calliope Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 I had an idea in my mind all along that I wouldn't do this for more than a year. At some point probably a couple of months before the deadline, I told him that. He knew the date. Coincidentally it was the day before he was going on a 2-wk vacation to Greece that they had planned/booked long before we were where we were. The day before his trip, I told him it was over. I said it wasn't to ruin his trip (which it wasn't), he knew the score months before, I couldn't help the timing.... That night he got in touch on text to say he was really screwed up, it was killing him, etc. Then he told me he loved me. First time he ever did... While he was in Greece, he got in touch 3 times. We were IMing one night for 4 hours! The night he got back he was at my house, said that he realized he's got to do what he needs to, to move forward with me. 2 mths later he told her about us, but didn't move out. Another month after that he left for 2 days then went back. That was a week and a half ago. He once told me that it was the trip to Greece that made him realize he wanted to be with me, not her. I'm on Day 6 now of NC/LC. We were together 16 months.
fooled once Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 The progression of our relationship was very strange... he was my boss and we spent way too much personal time together. So I know we were having an emotional affair for quite some time, maybe 6 months?, but it's hard to tell when these things actually start, because it just went from drinking buddies to talking about our lives to suddenly wanting to spend all our time together, and text each other, and make sexual innuendos, etc. When the affair went physical, I thought it was going to be all fun and games. Selfishly I just wanted to try out the excitement and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would never leave his wife and family. Well he started to say he was falling in love with me, and he started to say he wanted to be with me and only me... This was the point, as hockeyfan said, that I started wanting action to back up these words. It's not like I was asking him to leave his wife, he was telling me he wanted to so I was like, okay then, do it. I believe that if you really love someone you will back up your feelings with actions and make things happen so that you can be together. He wasn't doing that so after a month, at the most?, I told him not to contact me if he hadn't moved out of the house. I never had a timeline per se, I just was not willing to be second best in his life when he was telling me he was in love with me. Call me selfish but I had no desire to share him, I also had no desire to remain his secret "love". Honestly in the beginning I had no problem being his secret sex partner or whatever, and I found it rather exhilirating, which yes is harmful and selfish but it was how it was. Once we started declaring our love for each other and our intentions to be together in the future, however, the game changed for me. Karma I honestly do not know how a woman can maintain her self-respect and be the other woman with a man she loves and who says he loves her. For me it was a soul-destroying process and I could not do it for very long at all. As you probably remember in my stich he called me after I went NC and told me he was moving out in 11 days. Then he did in fact move out in 11 days but it was very half-a@#ed... he took a suit and a book to the house of a friend of his who was overseas, ha ha. This set the pattern for what was to come -- I had naively assumed moving out meant first step to getting divorced and being with me, whereas he was clearly viewing it as doing the minimum I required for him to be in my life and also being able to hang on to his wife. This was no fun at all and as time dragged by and he wasn't taking action I totally lost respect for him. I don't understand a man who proclaims to love a woman and want to be with her, yet doesn't take the actions to make that happen. I couldn't handle it, some may say I was too demanding or impatient but come on, he is a big boy, a very grown man, and he should know how to do what it takes to get what he wants, which he said was me. He didn't do it, I was gone. Plain and simple. And walking away is something I don't regret at all. Staying with a man who was keeping me a secret and not backing up his words he told me with actions is what I regret... but I didn't do it that long so at least I learned a lesson. Great post SB. Great post!!! EXCELLENT words! Truly. I am so incredibly proud of the woman you are and how far you have come. I love women like you. Me too!
hoping2heal Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Really Star? Oh wow I thought yours went on much longer. But no, he has not said he is leaving her. We are not at the point of making promises and decisions. We are more at the part of I love you's and envisioning a future but not discussing what the actions involve. I know he wouldn't walk this time of year with his kids and the holidays anyway. KTD- Please keep in mind that what you are describing is something 15 year olds do with one another. Adults at the I love you and envisioning the future stage together talk about how they will make those dreams a reality. I love you's and envisioning the future with no discussion as to how that will be viable and actually happen is the equivalent of a fart in the wind. He wouldn't need to leave his children during the Holiday to simply discuss it with you. Are you okay with him staying in his M and being an OW long term as some have been? You need to ask yourself that because if six months in he is partaking in the envisioning of the future but not discussing how to make that real it does not set a good tone.
siuys Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Must say all confused about my own situation. We fell madly in love and everything he did in the first 5 months indicated he was ready to leave, and was totally in love with me. We talked about the future and everything. Then about 3 months after he moved out, things started to go downhill - flip flop, freak outs, instability, you name it. I think the reality of his situation hit him. I think he left without thinking it through enough, or quite realising the impact it would have. I felt completely confused like being thrown around in a zorb. Anyway, it's day 17 NC. am doing the best i can. i am doing good, but i miss him. i miss him like hell, and i ask myself why. he was in it and he wasn't. at times i feel like a complete mug. he told me A, then he told me B. he's not available, i tell myself, doesn't matter how many ****ing boxes i might have ticked. move the hell on i tell myself. i hate this so much i could die right now.
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