Is love worth it?

[vandelay]

I keep thinking back to how it was in the beginning... We met under impossible circumstances and were exactly what we each needed. Three years went by and so much has changed.

 

I can remember how much I appreciated that ecstasy of new love. It lasted for many months. I floated everywhere I went, couldn't concentrate on work, felt like screaming to the world about how amazing I felt and how wonderful she was. It was bliss for a long time. And it was so sweet because she felt it too. We were in heaven.

 

Then, slowly, it fell apart. Real life set in and we faced new challenges. Some of them we overcame, but it was too much for her. She told me over and over...She doesn't want a relationship where she has to work to make it good. She isn't willing to put in the effort. I'm not perfect, but I DID work my ass off to make it work, to try to have a mature relationship full of honest communication and compromise. Still, not enough to satisfy her. Maybe she's right and there are just personality differences that couldn't be overcome. It hardly matters now, I suppose. Finally, she left me behind.

 

So its been less than three weeks since she quit my life. I don't know how long its going to take me to get over this, but it is really ****ing me up and I think its gonna take a long, long time. I will try to do the right thing for myself and come out a better person. Hopefully better, and not bitter. But if it takes me six months...is that worth it? Is it worth it to gamble on love? Six months of bliss, a couple years of mostly good, and then six months of misery... maybe more. maybe a LOT more. I don't really know.

 

All I know is that I will be forced to see her a lot. Unavoidable due to our daily lives. Every time I see her bebopping around, happy and peppy, its gonna feel like a dagger through my heart. She'll come talk to me, chit-chat, be really nice and sweet... I will force a smile, fake some composure, and eat up the attention, because I love her so much, but I will always wonder why she is sweet. Will it be because she actually feels nice towards me, or is it because she pities me and feels guilty for breaking my heart? I don't know and I shouldn't care, because she didn't care when she acted so callous and mean about serious issues we should have been communicating about. Would I be better off if I just hated her, gave her the finger and walked away every time I saw her? Nope. I am NOT that person. I am kind to a fault...thats even a big part of my undoing, I think.

 

But anyways...is it worth it? Is a honeymoon's worth of bliss worth the pain of breaking up. This pain is equally as intense as the bliss, for sure, except that it SUCKS!!!

[january2010]

Yes, it's worth it.

 

But you're unlikely to even get to thinking that it 'might' be unless you go completely NC (no contact) with your ex.

 

Right now, every new contact equals a new hurt that requires time and energy to process - setting you back and delaying your healing.

[vandelay]

Of course that makes total sense. Completely.

 

Unfortunately, it is absolutely unavoidable that we will have contact. Our kids go to school together and we see each other there all the time. We both returned to college together, and see each other on campus all the time. ALL of our friends are mutual, which is my fault because I took on her friends..so really they are her friends... We live in a relatively small town. One health food store. One organic restaurant. One bar that caters to our similar tastes. These are our shared interests and the center of our social lives. These are the places that our circle of friends congregate. If I want to maintain contact with the outside world, (which I do), these are my resources, and there are few alternatives. I need friends more than anything right now, but she will be there. I just don't know how I'm gonna manage this. I want so badly to be strong, to come out ahead, to feel the strength that I felt with her for so long, but... I have my weaknesses just like everyone else on this board, and I scare myself. Im scared that I will be unhappy for far too long, and that my failure (which is how I perceive it) will be in my face over and over again, every time i see her.

[vandelay]

Yes, sounds pathetic, I know. Thats pretty much how I feel right now.

[january2010]

Is there really no opportunity for you to get away, even for a few weeks? Stay at your parents? With friends?

[vandelay]

Is there really no opportunity for you to get away, even for a few weeks? Stay at your parents? With friends?

 

Thankfully there is an opportunity. I'm going on a 4 night backpacking trip starting tomorrow, and while I am away she will be leaving for a two week vacation. So there's a good couple of weeks, at least. Not enough time to make things ok, but it will be a good relief from any possible communication, and a good time to start a couple of new positive routines, i think. I have no problem not texting her, and she sure as hell isn't going to reach out to me. Once the xmas break is over, however, we will see each other inevitably. I just don't know how I will handle that.

[suddendumpee]

no........

[vandelay]

no........

 

 

Uh oh. I used to think that love was the pinnacle of human experience.

[january2010]

It's an opportunity nonetheless. I suggest making the best of it and then deal with post-Christmas when it arrives.

 

You won't know how you will feel or handle it until the time comes, so in the meantime, it's probably best to focus on those new positive routines that you mentioned.

[vandelay]

Thanks for the support. That is what I intend to do. I think the exercise and fresh air of this backpacking trip is really gonna help.

[Lemontang]

As the old saying goes "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" ...but damn did it have to be so freak'n expensive?

[january2010]

Hope you have a great trip

 

Fresh air, exercise and beautiful scenery may just put things into perspective for you.

[Movingthrough]

I can honestly say I know how you are feeling. My situation was more brought on by outside circumstances but I have some days (like today) where I just wake up questioning everything, like was it worth it. I do feel like its very risky and makes any future situations not as "good" because you worry.

 

The person that does the breaking up is always better right after, and that's the hardest part. Its funny because I have broken up with girls before and always wondered why they made it such a big deal, now I know.

 

Sounds like you are on a good path though and staying positive, overall I do think its worth it but its hard to say sometimes.

[vandelay]

Just ran into her. Its bull****. **** this. goddammit. not feeling positive at the moment. I pretty much blew her off, she knows i am pissed.

[vandelay]

Feeling somewhat better now. I think I am experiencing a surge of power because I was the one who ended our interaction today. We'll see how long this lasts, but I've felt pretty good for the last hour. ..... Hmm, maybe its just because I ate lunch...