Unsure If My Boyfriend Is Cheating???

[unsureinky]

Hello,I'm new to this site...just trying to find someone,anyone,who may be,or may have,encountered any similar feelings and suspicions that I am currently,feeling! Ok,here's my concerns regarding my relationship with my man. When we met,we almost instantly fell head over heals for eachother,and that was a VERY unusual feeling and acceptance for me,I was always a very skeptical cautious leery woman,when it came to men,which kept me very much single,for 16 years! But then love hit me like a ton of bricks,and I felt helpless and defenseless against it. We have only been living together for 4 months now,and it seems as though things are already changing,and not for the good! What I had protected myself from for 16 yrs.,seems to be coming true....or so it seems? I'm not quite sure,and I have no proof,because I don't drive. But he has been working weird hours,he doesn't seem as "in" to me,we use to go places together,but now we don't,and he says he hasn't been making as much money at his job lately,he use to buy me things,that definitely stopped as well,we rarely have sex,and when we do,he can rarely stand at ummm,attention! He has always had that problem though,but it bothers me,he never compliments me anymore,and I'm NOT an ugly person,nor a fat one,yet his lack of attention towards me makes me feel like the ugliest woman alive at times! I can't find any proof that he is cheating on me,or that he is lieing about his income,because he never has any check stubs lying around. He also,use to tell me to call him at work,now he says not to,because he got into trouble over me calling (and I didn't call that often!) Soooo,can anyone give any advice,suggestions,ideas on what not to do,or TO do please? I'm sooooo confused! I gave up EVERYTHING to move in with this man....so ya,I'm even a little nervous and scared! What should I do? Any suggestions would be deeply appreciated! Thanks either way...... Rebecca

Edited December 14, 2010 by unsureinky

[YellowShark]

While I do not know if he is cheating here are the common signs of someone who is cheating.

 

 

- More time spent away from home, frequent absences - shopping, conferences, seminars, business trips, fishing, working late, trips to places where the spouse will be not able to be contacted

- Lack of interest in sex and avoiding sex using ridiculous reasons

- Distraction, daydreaming, disorganization

- Evenings out “with the girls” or “with poker buddies.” The spouse is not included.

- Secrecy – the spouse turns off the computer monitor when someone enters the room or goes outdoors or to another room to talk on the phone.

- Late night computer use

- High phone bills

- Secret credit cards

- Checks up on the spouse to make sure he/she won’t be checking on the cheater

- High mileage on the car or not enough mileage on the car when he/she was supposed to be going a long distance

- Refuses rides to or pickups from the airport

- Clothes smell of a perfume or after shave of the opposite sex

- Spouse brings home clean laundry

- Spouse returns from work in different clothes

- Unexplained credit card charges or payments on the bank statement, unexplained receipts

- Credit card charges made in town when he/she was supposedly out of town

- Secret withdrawals of money or secret credit cards

- Less money deposited from a paycheck into a joint bank account

- Many, long phone calls

- Has a secret cell phone or unknown numbers stored

- Has a secret e-mail address and account

- Deletion of e-mail messages, phone messages, etc.

- Has a “special friend” of the opposite sex

- The innocent spouse receives special gifts or flowers for no reason.

- The cheating partner suspects his/her partner and acts accusatory, due to his/her own guilt.

- Has deposit slips for someone else’s bank account

- Loans money for unusual reasons or lies about where money went

- Carries someone else’s house keys or garage door opener

- Makes drastic and wide-ranging efforts to lose weight, buy sexy underwear, color hair, and improve wardrobe, grooming and hygiene

- Makes a change in attitude, usually perceived as not caring as much about the spouse or not making an effort within the relationship

- Refuses to talk about extramarital affairs or people he/she once showed interest in

- Suddenly has many new friends and hangouts

- Not being where he/she said he/she would be

- Cryptic remarks made by friends (They are hints.)

- Removal of the kids’ toys and car seats from the car

- Items in the car do not belong to anyone in the family

- Gets a sexually transmitted disease

- Has a change in body odor

- Strange personal items are found in the home when the spouse has been away – sometimes left on purpose by the cheater’s lover for the spouse to find

- Hidden gifts or cards don’t show up on holidays or birthdays (Check car trunks and the garage, tool boxes, sanitary napkin boxes.)

- Has cyber sex or meets people in person from chat rooms

- Shows uncomfortable behavior around a friend or neighbor of the opposite sex, ignores the person.

- Avoids work colleagues when accompanied by the spouse

 

Seems your boyfriend is doing some of those, namely:

 

1) has been working weird hours

2) he doesn't seem as "in" to you

3) you use to go places together, but now you don't,

4) says he hasn't been making as much money at his job lately

5) he use to buy you things, that stopped

6) rarely have sex

7) can rarely stand at attention

8) never compliments you anymore

9) use to tell you to call him at work, now he says not to

 

All I can say is if quacks like a duck, walks like a duck... maybe it's a duck.

[creighton0123]

"All I can say is if quacks like a duck, walks like a duck... maybe it's a duck."

 

<-- this

 

Despite whether or not he's cheating, sounds like there's not that much communication going on.

 

Either way, he's making you feel regret and doubt, something that's not healthy in a relationship.

 

If you can be calm and rational, tell him how you feel, leave him to think about it and give him a day to come back to you with his conclusion.

 

He could be cheating.

He could have lost interest and doesn't know how to deal with it.

He could not know how to cope with emotions so is withdrawing

He could be extremely stressed about other things

 

Either way, it's not going to be resolved without communication. Whether he's cheating or not is less significant when it comes to how he is treating you. How he is acting/treating you is the most important red flag.

 

As always, in case he is cheating, make sure to protect yourself. By that I mean safer sex. An emotionally withdrawn partner/cheating partner goes away. Possible health repercussions from his misdeeds don't necessarily ever leave you.

[unsureinky]

Thank you BOTH,for your replies! I know he hasn't lost his job,because I have had someone call and ask for him,in the form of a "customer decoy", and he has answered.....yet,the whole hiding,no trace of his checks and makings,don't add up to his stories???? Money isn't everything,but when we both are responsible for the bills,rent,food,ect...,I think I have a right to know where the hell the lack of money that he supposedly made,has went,because we still keep recieving bills,and he keeps telling me he is 1 morgage payment behind,due to having to get his car fixed,like 3 months ago???? I have seen 2 of his check stubs,before they starting disappearing without a trace,and they were for 1,168 bucks,then the second one I saw,was for nearly 900.00 bucks,yet he tells me not knowing I had looked at his checks,that he had only made 5 to 6 hundred bucks,yet he says he has been making progress at work,but won't recieve the "comission" from it,for at least 3 weeks,when he gets paid every week??? Plus,he makes me pay rent,and says he wouldn't ask for it,if he didn't need the help,yet,I make WAY less than he does from my job! Yet,if I want something,or even need something,I have to pay for it,outta my own earnings "this is where he stopped buying me things"....christmas is coming up,and my young adult kids bought him something for xmas,and I bought them something with MY hard earned money,and his reply to that was.."Well,we came to an agreement,that you wouldn't have to pay me rent,during christmas,so that you could get your kids presents,so therefor,they should be marked from "both" of us"He won't add me to his lease/morgage loan through his bank and HMO,yet he says and promises to marry me,and yet he will add me as a benificerary,on his life insurance??? Makes no since to me,plus I had a dream that he got back with his ex,and kicked me out,after I gave him my heart,gave up my home,and job location,just to be with him....am I over reacting here? Or do I have reason to doubt? He also recently,recieved a friend request from his ex,on facebook,and I found out about it,and he said I had nothing to worry about,that she was no threat,and that I had no right to tell him,who he could,and could not,be friends with,but that he'd quit communicating with her. He is also pretty buddy buddy,with a co-worker,he supposedly cleans her house for her,and she supposedly pays him 50 bucks each time to do it,but I have never seen any "make-up" payment plans,on what he said his motive was,for taking the job and payment on???? It's just that nothing he ever tells me,makes since,or seems fair! Am I wrong here,or???? By the way "he has OCD,that's why he cleans so much,so he says" PS.... he has cheated before,on others in the past,but he claims it was when he was alot younger? He is 10 yrs. older than me. I mean,he is great to me otherwise.....but he just seems very shadey to me,and I want to make sure I have a reasonable doubt,that I should fallow my instincts,or if I am making a moutain out of a mole hill here?

[Distant78]

Thank you BOTH,for your replies! I know he hasn't lost his job,because I have had someone call and ask for him,in the form of a "customer decoy", and he has answered.....yet,the whole hiding,no trace of his checks and makings,don't add up to his stories???? Money isn't everything,but when we both are responsible for the bills,rent,food,ect...,I think I have a right to know where the hell the lack of money that he supposedly made,has went,because we still keep recieving bills,and he keeps telling me he is 1 morgage payment behind,due to having to get his car fixed,like 3 months ago???? I have seen 2 of his check stubs,before they starting disappearing without a trace,and they were for 1,168 bucks,then the second one I saw,was for nearly 900.00 bucks,yet he tells me not knowing I had looked at his checks,that he had only made 5 to 6 hundred bucks,yet he says he has been making progress at work,but won't recieve the "comission" from it,for at least 3 weeks,when he gets paid every week??? Plus,he makes me pay rent,and says he wouldn't ask for it,if he didn't need the help,yet,I make WAY less than he does from my job! Yet,if I want something,or even need something,I have to pay for it,outta my own earnings "this is where he stopped buying me things"....christmas is coming up,and my young adult kids bought him something for xmas,and I bought them something with MY hard earned money,and his reply to that was.."Well,we came to an agreement,that you wouldn't have to pay me rent,during christmas,so that you could get your kids presents,so therefor,they should be marked from "both" of us"He won't add me to his lease/morgage loan through his bank and HMO,yet he says and promises to marry me,and yet he will add me as a benificerary,on his life insurance??? Makes no since to me,plus I had a dream that he got back with his ex,and kicked me out,after I gave him my heart,gave up my home,and job location,just to be with him....am I over reacting here? Or do I have reason to doubt? He also recently,recieved a friend request from his ex,on facebook,and I found out about it,and he said I had nothing to worry about,that she was no threat,and that I had no right to tell him,who he could,and could not,be friends with,but that he'd quit communicating with her. He is also pretty buddy buddy,with a co-worker,he supposedly cleans her house for her,and she supposedly pays him 50 bucks each time to do it,but I have never seen any "make-up" payment plans,on what he said his motive was,for taking the job and payment on???? It's just that nothing he ever tells me,makes since,or seems fair! Am I wrong here,or???? By the way "he has OCD,that's why he cleans so much,so he says" PS.... he has cheated before,on others in the past,but he claims it was when he was alot younger? He is 10 yrs. older than me. I mean,he is great to me otherwise.....but he just seems very shadey to me,and I want to make sure I have a reasonable doubt,that I should fallow my instincts,or if I am making a moutain out of a mole hill here?

 

Just follow that gut.

[unsureinky]

Thanks,I plan on it!!! Something tells me,he's a PRO at cheating and covering his tracks....but he's met his match,because,I don't give up or stop,without finding out the truth! And I WILL,it's just a matter of time,and one slip up from him!

[YellowShark]

I have seen 2 of his check stubs,before they starting disappearing without a trace,and they were for 1,168 bucks,then the second one I saw,was for nearly 900.00 bucks,yet he tells me not knowing I had looked at his checks,that he had only made 5 to 6 hundred bucks...

 

Deception. You saw the cheque stub for $900.00, he says he made $500-$600.

 

He won't add me to his lease/morgage loan through his bank and HMO,yet he says and promises to marry me,and yet he will add me as a benificerary,on his life insurance???

 

That's ok. You don't want to get tied up to him financially UNTIL you are sure he's with you 100%.

 

He is also pretty buddy buddy,with a co-worker, he supposedly cleans her house for her, and she supposedly pays him 50 bucks each time to do it, but I have never seen any "make-up" payment plans...

 

Oh. The "We're just friends" B.S. Maybe that's why he doesn't want you to call him at work anymore.

 

..he has cheated before,on others in the past,but he claims it was when he was alot younger? He is 10 yrs. older than me.

 

Here's my rule of thumb. Once a cheater not always a cheater. Twice a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater.

 

I want to make sure I have a reasonable doubt, that I should fallow my instincts,or if I am making a moutain out of a mole hill here?

 

Here's another rule of thumb I follow. Trust but verify. It's sad because he seems to be doing a lot of things that telegraph that he might be cheating. Therefore he has put the responsibility on you to now figure out if he really is.

 

Best of luck.

[pharis]

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[fltc]

Pharis, spammers are not welcome here, take your spamming elsewhere!