SoConfused26 Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Without going into a lot of history - I don't necessarily trust my husband. A few years ago he met this girl when he started to work at a car dealership. We went to her house one night to meet her boyfriend and in front of her boyfriend commented on how hard my husband must be working out because his arms looked so big (he is a handsome man and ex-marine drill instructor and is a certified personal trainer). Anyways...she's a nutcase. She's super ditzy and can't hold a job so I wasn't really all that worried. When my mother-in-law was visiting about 2 years ago, my husband and his Mom ran into this girl and she was telling my MIL how handsome and what a great guy my husband was. My MIL warned me about her... About a year ago, my husband and her started working out together and she lost about 30 pounds and she is very pretty. I didn't really care that they worked out together. A couple months later my husband and I happened to be at a young professionals meeting and she was there. She said she had a new boyfriend she wanted us to meet and she and my husband exchanged a guilty look. After that he would being her name up every once in a while that she wanted us to go out with her and her new boyfriend - full well knowing I didn't want to go. I had dinner with my MIL about 5-6 months ago on a solo trip to NY. She brought her up and said she didn't trust her then said her son is no Saint. My husband said his mom is crazy! About 8 weeks ago, I was checking his phone and noticed that he called me at work and after he hung up with me, called her and went on a "long" run. I noticed over the next few days they exchanged calls and he called her on a Friday. I had a conference the next day from 8am-12pm and she had called him twice that Saturday at 8:30am, after I had left. Very suspicous, but my husband swears they were just talking about personal training. Anyway...what I really want to know...I sent her an e-mail today, asking to talk - to see if there is/was more going on. I promised her that I'm not upset, I just want to know the truth and hope that I didn't offend her by asking. I guess she could just deny it, but if there was something going on, would she tell me? I honestly don't care...honestly... If they really like each other I'm happy to let my husband go off with her and she can deal with him. He swears he has never been unfaithful....
phillyfan Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Girl rite now they are havin a conference about what to do about ur email, they know theyve been found out. Theyre panickin. Theyl probly be more careful now, so keep ur eyes sharp.
half_ofa_heart Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Without going into a lot of history - I don't necessarily trust my husband. A few years ago he met this girl when he started to work at a car dealership. We went to her house one night to meet her boyfriend and in front of her boyfriend commented on how hard my husband must be working out because his arms looked so big (he is a handsome man and ex-marine drill instructor and is a certified personal trainer). Anyways...she's a nutcase. She's super ditzy and can't hold a job so I wasn't really all that worried. When my mother-in-law was visiting about 2 years ago, my husband and his Mom ran into this girl and she was telling my MIL how handsome and what a great guy my husband was. My MIL warned me about her... About a year ago, my husband and her started working out together and she lost about 30 pounds and she is very pretty. I didn't really care that they worked out together. A couple months later my husband and I happened to be at a young professionals meeting and she was there. She said she had a new boyfriend she wanted us to meet and she and my husband exchanged a guilty look. After that he would being her name up every once in a while that she wanted us to go out with her and her new boyfriend - full well knowing I didn't want to go. I had dinner with my MIL about 5-6 months ago on a solo trip to NY. She brought her up and said she didn't trust her then said her son is no Saint. My husband said his mom is crazy! About 8 weeks ago, I was checking his phone and noticed that he called me at work and after he hung up with me, called her and went on a "long" run. I noticed over the next few days they exchanged calls and he called her on a Friday. I had a conference the next day from 8am-12pm and she had called him twice that Saturday at 8:30am, after I had left. Very suspicous, but my husband swears they were just talking about personal training. Anyway...what I really want to know...I sent her an e-mail today, asking to talk - to see if there is/was more going on. I promised her that I'm not upset, I just want to know the truth and hope that I didn't offend her by asking. I guess she could just deny it, but if there was something going on, would she tell me? I honestly don't care...honestly... If they really like each other I'm happy to let my husband go off with her and she can deal with him. He swears he has never been unfaithful.... Can only say for myself that I would not fess up! Have been asked and lied to protect MM. But that is me. Most can and will call me a coward but IMO, it is your H's responsibility to tell you. You have asked but until he admits to it, you will never be sure. What if she tells you yes - if your H wants to keep you - he will simply lie again and say she's imagining things.
carhill Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Do you have good rapport with your MIL? Have you ever talked with the 'friend's BF? Absent this one issue, what's your opinion of your M?
whichwayisup Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 If they really like each other I'm happy to let my husband go off with her and she can deal with him. He swears he has never been unfaithful.... I say, let him go reguardless if she likes him or not. I went and read your other thread. Not sure if your marriage is worth saving, seems your H has some issues.. Do you two have kids? If not, then maybe for your own happiness and sanity is best to just divorce him and find love with a man who will love only you and not have a wandering eye and act upon his urges outside of the marriage.
KarmasTestDummy Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Girl rite now they are havin a conference about what to do about ur email, they know theyve been found out. Theyre panickin. Theyl probly be more careful now, so keep ur eyes sharp. Yes yes yes, and they will deny cause u have no explicit proof, just intuition and assumptions. Ur facts scream affair. And women lose thirty pounds when they're happy and trying to impress. Sorry, but it is as such. Don't trust a word they say...follow ur gut.
whichwayisup Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Yes yes yes, and they will deny cause u have no explicit proof, just intuition and assumptions. Ur facts scream affair. And women lose thirty pounds when they're happy and trying to impress. Sorry, but it is as such. Don't trust a word they say...follow ur gut. Completely agree. Confused, your H is cheating on you..your gut is screaming it and honestly, you don't need the OW to confirm it. The guilty glances between them, the time together talking and seeing eachtother, his overall attitude in the marriage and his behaviour/actions are telling you what he's up to. Listen to your gut!
jthorne Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Well, you could always ask her. If you get the tired old, "You should talk to your husband," then you know!
PhoenixRise Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 (edited) Sometimes being confused is just another word for denial. Sweetheart. The most important trust relationship you could possibly have in this world is with yourself. Trust you first last and always. Trust what you know, not what you can prove. I always say if you want to talk to the OW/OM call them up. Send an email. Do whatever you feel like you need to. But don't let the major decision you are responsible for making for YOUR life be dependent on the word of a woman your instincts are telling you not to trust. As for your H's word...you don't even need instinct to find him untrustworthy, his actions make him so. AND even if by some miracle you could get definitive proof that he is not cheating with this particular woman, are you happy in the marriage? Excluding the trust issue regarding this woman is the relationship healthy? Acknowledge what you know. Trust what you know. If there is ever a discrepancy between what you know and what he says, trust yourself first. Edited December 14, 2010 by PhoenixRise
scatterd Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Ive been cheated on by different men and no one ever confessed they will deny it and take it to their grave.You need to catch them and from what you have wrote it sounds like their is more then just friends.I would never let my husband hang out with another woman with out hanging with us both.I hope everything is OK though.Good Luck
Author SoConfused26 Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 Thank you for all of the responses. I really appreciate the feedback. I haven't heard from her yet... Thank you Phoenix and whichwayisup. I know you're 100% right - I need to trust myself, trust my instincts. I don't know why I'm so scared to make a decision for my happiness...why am I afraid to feel good, to be happy? My life coach keeps telling me it doesn't make me a bad person if I don't love my husband, to want to get out. Why must we torture ourselves?
KarmasTestDummy Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Thank you for all of the responses. I really appreciate the feedback. I haven't heard from her yet... Thank you Phoenix and whichwayisup. I know you're 100% right - I need to trust myself, trust my instincts. I don't know why I'm so scared to make a decision for my happiness...why am I afraid to feel good, to be happy? My life coach keeps telling me it doesn't make me a bad person if I don't love my husband, to want to get out. Why must we torture ourselves? She hasn't replied yet? Ugggh, surely she's read it. Either she's conflicted or pow-wowing with ur husband on what to say. For a woman who is not guilty the knee jerk reaction would have to answer immediately, like that very second she read it to set the record straight, or even more dignified to have picked up the phone to speak with you in person...and most definitely she would be backing off and asking out of respect for u what the boundaries are. I hope when he denies it again, you can with all certainty in your heart say, " I don't believe you and I'm leaving."
BB07 Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 If your husband is having an affair with this woman and it sounds highly likely that he is, he has set the groundwork with the OW as you being crazy, evil, or any combination of the above and chances are the OW is buying what ever he sold her so she is going to feel obligated to protect him from you. So my opinion is she won't tell you anything. As others have said........go with your gut. And this comes from a woman who did tell the BS everything she wanted to know.
spice4life Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Thank you for all of the responses. I really appreciate the feedback. I haven't heard from her yet... Thank you Phoenix and whichwayisup. I know you're 100% right - I need to trust myself, trust my instincts. I don't know why I'm so scared to make a decision for my happiness...why am I afraid to feel good, to be happy? My life coach keeps telling me it doesn't make me a bad person if I don't love my husband, to want to get out. Why must we torture ourselves? The fact that she hasn't replied speaks volumes. If she was not guilty, she would have replied right away! However, I get the impression you don't really care because you may want out of the marriage. Would knowing give you the courage to ask for a divorce? If so, then you will need to get sneaky and gather evidence behind the scenes. Put a keylogger on his computer and spyware on his phone to verify your suspicians and to get cold hard evidense. Try following him too. Good luck!
IzzyB Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Thank you for all of the responses. I really appreciate the feedback. I haven't heard from her yet... Thank you Phoenix and whichwayisup. I know you're 100% right - I need to trust myself, trust my instincts. I don't know why I'm so scared to make a decision for my happiness...why am I afraid to feel good, to be happy? My life coach keeps telling me it doesn't make me a bad person if I don't love my husband, to want to get out. Why must we torture ourselves? You really arent confused at all, you know what is going on. The "confusion" is actually fear of facing what you know you need to do. Its so much easier for us to think we are confused than to face facts. That is not at all meant to sound harsh, I totally get how scary it is. It seems you have known what you need to do for a long time but it has been too hard to face it for some reason or another. Leaving is never easy, but once its done, you look back and wonder "what took me so long!". Good luck. Keep being your own best friend and take care of you!
whichwayisup Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Once you make your decision, you should email her and say "He's all yours! I just served him with divorce papers! Good luck!" I agree with BB, he more than likely has filled her head up with crap lies about you and the status of the marriage. It's sad, what most OW don't realize too is, once a MM is busted, many throw their OW under the bus, like he throws wife under the bus during the A. MW's do this to their OM too, so it isn't gender specific. Go get some counseling, get strong so you can walk away from him.
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