jessrelation Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I don't know who else to ask. I'll try to make this short as possible. Met a guy on vacation and we were in a long distance relationship for a year and half where everything was wonderful and for the first time I felt true love and he showed it. We always talked about me moving here. 2 weeks before the move he breaks up with me. Says he isn't ready for a relationship and needs to work on himself. I still move because I wanted to move anyway for different reasons and work from home. Since I moved here he wants to be best friends, stops by for no reason, comes over for lunch, we hang out, go to dinner. I even went home with him for Thanksgiving. He says i love you sometimes and I am sure he means it as a friend. I know there is no one else and that he isn't looking. This has been going on for 3 months. I feel like I can't just be myself...I want him to be my lover not just a friend. I don't think it's about the sex as we have only had sex maybe 4 times since I moved here. He can get that anywhere. It's strange because if we were in a relationship then I wouldn't even question his love, because I know it's there. But if I bring up anything about the relationship or questions, he gets annoyed with me. I have tried to end it, but being alone and new in this town doesn't make it any easier and I go back. So...what is my next step?
cerridwen Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 First of all, take him at his word. He may love you as a friend, but nothing more. And he's not interested in a relationship. He was clear on that. What becomes confusing to us are the actions that dilute the message. We read too much into them and believe what we want to believe. Second, what would be best is for you to make more friends in your new town, to help with the loneliness aspect of this problem. It's understandable that you keep going back since there aren't other people to choose from right now. Actively do things to create a community there for yourself. It might be slow going but it WILL help. You'll be less dependent on his companionship and your perspective will clear. Third, I suggest you consider dating. You don't want to get into a rebound relationship so just do casual dating until you've emotionally moved on from your ex. It doesn't need to be anything heavy, just guys to go see movies with, talk with, and perhaps get more involved with if the chemistry and timing is right. Some people might tell you to rid yourself of this guy completely right now. I don't think that's necessary if you accept it's not going any where AND you actively pursue building more of a life for yourself there.
Author jessrelation Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 Thank you. You're right, that's all I keep hearing is to let him go completely but it's hard at this moment. Last night we went to dinner for his birthday and I asked him more about us. He said he still feels the same about me as he did a year and half ago, and still loves me, but has never been in a real relationship and doesn't know if he is the type of person to be with one person for the rest of his life (relationship wise not sexually). He might be scared but he doesn't know. He said he thinks about me all the time and that not having me in his life would hurt but he would understand and to be honest...that really hurts.
cerridwen Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Our situations have something in common. My ex told me he's not into relationships but I chose to ignore it because I wanted things to work out for other reasons; namely, I was lonely. So I plugged away, ignoring the signs and the explicit words "don't want a relationship" only to end up lonely, depleted, and heartbroken. Again, my advice is put the energy you'd put into the relationship, into building stuff for yourself. Your goals for a relationship are at odds; you want one, he doesn't. Nothing good can come of this. Best to you.
Lauriebell82 Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Thank you. You're right, that's all I keep hearing is to let him go completely but it's hard at this moment. Last night we went to dinner for his birthday and I asked him more about us. He said he still feels the same about me as he did a year and half ago, and still loves me, but has never been in a real relationship and doesn't know if he is the type of person to be with one person for the rest of his life (relationship wise not sexually). He might be scared but he doesn't know. He said he thinks about me all the time and that not having me in his life would hurt but he would understand and to be honest...that really hurts. The question is: Can you accept that he is essentially treating you as a girlfriend without you actually being one? It sounds like he is using you, but you are too attached to him to be able to break away. That's understandable. I'm not going to blame him for anything, as he has pretty much made his intentions clear and been honest. So it seems that you are just going along for the ride and willing to put up with it. So as I said, can you accept that this is how it's going to be?
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