Traveling Spouse? Better Coping Ideas?

[AlektraClementine]

My husband travels a lot for work. A LOT. He's been a traveler since we met and I've always "dealt" with it pretty well. I've noticed though, that the longer we're together and the closer we get, the harder it is to watch him go each time. I never expected his job to change, but I also never expected that it would start making me so sad .

 

Anyone have any experience with this?

[laRubiaBonita]

my H travels too, usually every 4 four months or so.

 

at first it's great i get to do ME stuff, watch girlie tv, etc.... but after the first 2 days i am lonely.

 

i have a friend who's husband travels for pretty extended periods of time, usually abroad.

what she and i have done is take classes. i just finished and art class and did an exercise class too.

 

it does help to make the time go by, and it provides a good distraction, plus i get to meet other people.

[AlektraClementine]

Thanks! I'd love to take a foreign language class or an organic cooking class.

 

How do you guys cope with being away from each other? I like the idea of doing activities to keep my mind active but I'm also looking for tips to keep you close (at least in spirit) to your spouse.

 

He sometimes complains that I seem distant. I'm sure it's just that I'm not much of a phone chatterer.

[laRubiaBonita]

Thanks! I'd love to take a foreign language class or an organic cooking class.

 

How do you guys cope with being away from each other? I like the idea of doing activities to keep my mind active but I'm also looking for tips to keep you close (at least in spirit) to your spouse.

 

He sometimes complains that I seem distant. I'm sure it's just that I'm not much of a phone chatterer.

 

i am not a chatter either... sometimes i feel slightly guilty about it- but not for too long .

 

one thing i ALWAYS do is tuck a card, note, or letter somewhere out of sight, but in a place i am sure he will find it... he really likes it and although he knows i will do it, it is still a little treasure hunt each time.

 

how long is he usually gone for?

[AlektraClementine]

i am not a chatter either... sometimes i feel slightly guilty about it- but not for too long .

 

one thing i ALWAYS do is tuck a card, note, or letter somewhere out of sight, but in a place i am sure he will find it... he really likes it and although he knows i will do it, it is still a little treasure hunt each time.

 

how long is he usually gone for?

 

 

I like the card idea!

 

It varies. He can be gone anywhere from 4 days - 1 month. How long have you been married? Does it get easier?

 

We've been together for 3 years. Married for 8 months. I'd like to think that this is a passing thing. Or at least, something that I can be proactive in easing. Sometimes, the balance of the home just seems so off when he's away.

 

Thanks for your responses!

[motogirl]

My husband travels a lot for work. A LOT. He's been a traveler since we met and I've always "dealt" with it pretty well. I've noticed though, that the longer we're together and the closer we get, the harder it is to watch him go each time. I never expected his job to change, but I also never expected that it would start making me so sad .

 

Anyone have any experience with this?

 

<Waving hand in air madly> Me, me, me!!! I do have some experience with this. My husband doesn't travel over night for work...but he works third shift while I work first, he works up to 65 hours a week and he drives an hour one way to his job. Therefore, we hardly ever get to spend time together.

 

We see each other maybe an hour each night before he goes to work. During that hour, I'm cooking, he's getting ready for work and then we eat together. I'm already gone to work when he gets home each morning.

 

He works Friday nights and gets home anywhere from 10:00 am to noon on Saturday. We only get to sleep together on Saturday nights. Sunday mornings he has to sleep in so he can stay up all night Sunday, sleep Monday and do it all again. <sigh>

 

My situation is similar to yours because my husband has been doing this job since I met him and I too had always 'dealt' with it. However, we have been married for 11 months now, lived together for 14 and I think the reality of it has started to set in. I'm not 'dealing' quite so well now. As we grow closer and I love him even more, it's harder to come home from work and see him go off to work. It's harder to sleep alone every night except Saturday. I miss him so much, being able to give him a kiss and a hug when I want, having him hold me, I miss sex through the week, the little things like just snuggling up on the couch at night to watch tv. I thought it would get easier the longer we are together instead of harder.

 

I find that I have to work on myself to keep from being sad and depressed. There are some things I do to help with this. For one thing, I'm assuming from your post that you don't have children. Is this correct? That's one of the things that does help me...I have two children from my first marriage. I try to focus most of my energies on them through the week when I am missing my husband. My sons have sports and activities and I stay as involved as I can. I try to plan special little things to do with them each evening...a game night, a movie night, walks, bike rides, etc. This does help. However, when the boys goes to bed, the loneliness hits.

 

Another thing I do, is take advantage of all of the alone time to take care of housework, errands, chores, budgeting and bill paying. Since my husband is gone so much, I try to take care of everything so that when he is home, we can enjoy our time together with leisure activities instead of housework, errands, etc. This keeps me busy and helps make our weekends so enjoyable. I don't even go grocery shopping when he's home on the weekend because I don't want to miss a minute of our limited time together.

 

For me, planning classes or outside activities isn't ideal. Simply for the fact that any class or activity I have found that would interest me would also involve me being gone some on the weekends. I don't want to be away from my husband anymore than I already am, so I don't do that. I have found some new activities that I enjoy doing alone. I started Sudoku puzzles and I am slightly addicted. I love to read and have plenty of time at night to do so. I like movies and can watch ones through the week that I know my husband would not enjoy. I make exercise a priority through the week and that helps keep my mood up and my stress level down.

 

I do have a couple of friends that I chat with on the phone through the week. I try to have lunch with a friend and my sister a couple of times a week. I talk to my mom on the phone a lot in the evenings. I also work full time. I just try to fill my time and look forward to the weekend when my husband is home.

 

The other issue we deal with is keeping the emotional connection that couples need. It can be a challenge with us spending so much time apart but we work hard on it.

 

I read ahead and saw that you aren't a phone chatty person. I understand, I wasn't either until I met my husband. I work in a business job that requires me to be on the phone with clients a lot. By the end of the day, I am sick of being on the phone. However, when I met my husband, I soon realized that our time together was limited and talking on the phone was a huge part of our relationship. He drives a truck and can wear a headset and talk to me for a couple of hours each night while he is driving. It took some getting used to for me and at times I felt like I didn't know what to say. I've become much better at it. I know he reads the news a lot on the internet. I know what home page he uses and I make it a point to look at the same home page a couple of times a day and read a couple of articles. Then when we've exhausted all of the other topics during our nightly phone calls, I can bring up an interesting news article that he has usually read and we have some neat conversations that way. Marriage/relationships are about communication anyway and couples do need to work hard to keep talking. It helps with the connection, I think. I also get up an hour earlier each morning so he can call me while he is driving. Something about laying in bed all snuggled up and talking to him before I get up and start my day helps me feel connected to him. My husband is a talker and these phone calls are so important to him. It makes him feel like we have more time together. I've easily adjusted to it and it's not that hard for me now.

 

Someone mentioned little cards and notes and I do this as well. I try to do special things in the mornings before I leave for work. For instance, the temperature is frigid now. He's been in and out of his truck all night long in the cold. Before I left for work, I laid out all of his clothes for tonight...thermal underwear, uniform, etc. with a note that I wish I could hug him and warm him up but for him to crawl in our nice warm bed, snuggle up to the dog and I couldn't wait to see him tonight. I also left on the kitchen counter, a mug and a packet of hot chocolate with a note for him to drink to warm up before going to bed. I leave little notes on his computer frequently since I know he will read the news a little before bed. I always let him know how much I miss him and try to stay positive and talk about the fun things we will do on the weekends.

 

One thing I do that he loves is to send him a goodnight text. We do usually talk for a couple of hours on the phone each night until he reaches his destination and starts unloading freight. I'm usually awake for 3 - 4 more hours. I can't call him before I go to bed because he can't be on the phone when he's on the docks. However, he keeps his phone on vibrate and I send him a text. I usually try to think of something sweet or flirty and tell him I love him and good night. At first I felt odd about doing this because I thought it was a girly, clingy thing to do. A couple of days I didn't do it and one morning he called and said "Hey, I didn't get my goodnight text...I missed that! I always love reading it." So I make it a point to do that everyday too. He always calls or texts me when he gets home to let me know he made it back and is going to bed. These little things make a huge difference in keeping us close and connected.

 

One last thing, is making the best of the time we have. We share interests and plan fun things to do on the weekends. Having fun together creates more closeness and memories that get us through times apart. If he is tired and doesn't feel like doing anything on a weekend, I make the best of it and baby him, cook special meals, watch tv with him and cuddle up with him on the couch.

 

Whew...this got really long. I know our situations aren't exactly the same but similar enough that I think some of my ideas might help you. Good luck!

[laRubiaBonita]

I like the card idea!

 

It varies. He can be gone anywhere from 4 days - 1 month. How long have you been married? Does it get easier?

 

We've been together for 3 years. Married for 8 months. I'd like to think that this is a passing thing. Or at least, something that I can be proactive in easing. Sometimes, the balance of the home just seems so off when he's away.

 

Thanks for your responses!

 

i am also a newly wed- been married a little over 2 years.

 

a bonus to his trips though, sometimes i can tag along!!! although i do not have a ton of time off from work- but if he goes somewhere 'good' i will fly out and meet him at the end of the business part of the trip and then we spend a few days together.... a mini vacation.

 

i kept telling him his company needs to send him to europe

 

a month is a long time- luckily the longest my H has been gone is about 2 weeks... although that was during the Snow-pocolypse last Feb. and it not only sucked that he was gone and i had to do all the shoveling, but i was basically snowed in, home alone (kitty company only) for 4 days straight..... THAT was hard! but on the positive side i met a lot of my neighbors during that time.

 

when he is gone i also do house stuff- like paint or move furniture around... stuff like that. i joke when he leaves, that he should take a look around and remember what the house looks like- cause it might be different when he comes home.... he always says that if i am home when he gets home- that is all he needs

 

i also try and make time to hang out with my friends when he is gone.... a fun thing to do is to have all your girlfriends come over to your place and watch chic flixs OR we have wine parties sometimes.... fun stuff.

[bethelily]

I have a traveling spouse. Goes to the airport Monday morning 6am and gone til Thursday 7pm ish. Every week. Without fail. And then of course worked 10 hours on Friday downtown. I hated it in the beginning, but now 8 months later I started getting used to it. Too used to it. I dreaded him coming home 'cause he'd mess up my schedule and the baby's schedule. He complained about having a messy house when he came home (he was used to the hotel maid cleaning his room every day and turning down his bed sheets each evening), and I soon decided I wasn't in a hurry to clean up for him 'cause I, with a toddler now, could never match his maid-like standard of cleanliness. We've fought and argued, reconciled and loved, and then it just became routine.

 

And now, he has been assigned a project that keeps him in town and we are going through major growing pains trying to live together again. We fight more the more we are around each other. He complains, I criticize him. It's not been fun. We've been married 5 years. For the first 3 years, spending time together and going on dates was always a remedy for us. Now it just makes things worse and we don't like to plan dates anymore 'cause we don't feel loving towards each other.

 

Suggestions?

[seren]

My H is in the military, so is away a lot, often for months on end. While I am used to him being away, the missing him doesn't get any easier. After 26 years of this, we are finally throwing in the towel and he is leaving for us to be together all the time. Being apart is no good for either of us. H says he almost pines for me when he is away and I him. Thank God for the internet and FB chat, we chat most nights, just for a few minutes and it helps to make it easier. back in the day when he went to the Falklands, he would go for 18 months, with no telephone or internet contact, so we only had letters, and they took forever.

 

I, make myself busy, when I was working it wasn't so bad, but now that I have had to medically retire, I do a lot of craft work, sell items and collect fabric. This keeps me busy, my dogs are a huge help - don't know if I could have got through half so much without my lovely dogs. I talk to them, we walk and I have a huge beary dog to cuddle.

 

Keeping contact with friends, even when H is home is important, I have some wonderful friends and while we don't live in each other's pockets, they are always there for a coffee and a chat.

 

When H is home, we have a date night at least once a month. We don't go anywhere, but I invite him to dinner, complete with an invitation and menu. he brings wine and flowers and is resonsible for the evening's music. We both dress as though we were going out. All household talk is banned, we have dinner, flirt and dance in the kitchen - our son thinks we are mental!! it is our evening to remember who we are, besides husband, wife, mother, father etc. It also keeps the sparkle going.

 

As soon as he goes, I begin a countdown to when he is home, this last 2 weeks is dragging so much, but it is the last time he goes away. If I had an option, I would never have had him going away, the older I get I realise just how precious time is and hate each and every moment apart. In our new life we will work from home, I may drive him nuts.

 

Try to make sure that you keep busy, don't forget to remind each other how much you love and also are loved. It's the little things that matter, so when together, pay attention to those and enjoy each other -sure there will be times when things aren't all hunky dory, but they need to be shared and not just the one at home shouldering it all.