Anyone feel like a parent and not a spouse?

[Country_Girl]

Lizzy,

 

You could write my story, it's very similar. My husband and I separated a week ago- same issues, but for me it was mostly about the porn. It was getting bad, to the point where he would look it up on his phone and leave the mess on his shirt walking in home late from work. He never wanted to be intimate, and I took a huge blow to the ego and my self esteem has been ravaged. He kept saying he was going to change, he just needed church, etc- but then he kept sleeping in for it. The past month he says he wasn't looking, but his alternate email account said differently. He still doesn't know that I know, he just kept denying. He also had poor spending habits, bought a PS3 when we didn't have money for it (he only works part time and collects employment insurance on the side)- then would complain that we don't have money to do things. He never helped out around the house, the kitchen would take a hit & I would have to spend 5 hours just to get in back on track...just for it to take a hit a matter of hours later. Never did laundry, and when I did it for him, he would just pile it up on the bed & eventually would accumulate to the floor and I would have to clean everything up all over again because I didn't know what was clean or dirty.

 

I finally asked if he was using again, he said no, and he was tired of it & it was over. He said he was saving me from future hurt. Whatever. I booked a ticket & left to live with my brother. As soon as I got in, hadn't even been gone 24 hours, I had an email from him asking what his password is for his phone (no doubt so he could access porn). Oh and when he broke up with me- the following morning he left a "used" rag on our PC room floor for me to find. And when his cousin went to use his computer, he had taken the power cable. What like I was going to check up on him? As if I needed to with that rag sitting there between our 2 PC's.

 

I feel for you, I really do. I hope you guys can work it out. Breaks my heart, I was so bent on the man he used to be, I thought he could be it again. I wanted to help him work through it, but in the end, he chose the addiction and not the help & support of another. I thought I was prepared emotionally to leave, but I wasn't. Part of me is hoping in this time away he will see all I did for him and maybe spark an interest in wanting to change. But maybe that is denial and wishful thinking on my part. I don't know. I had to pick up and leave everything, all I have is a suitcase with a weeks worth of clothes & $50. He didn't leave me any money so I had to use my x-mas money on toiletry items & food & litter for my cat. I started NC 2 days ago, I did leave the door open for him to communicate saying "let me know if you ever want to talk" but he will no longer get any contact from me unless he initiates it. I hope he sees what he lost in time :-(

[Seamless74]

ladies it really begs the question (and i admit beforehand might have a tinge of bitterness because im looking for that special someone and am currently single) but why in the hell do you guys marry these idiotic PS3 playing porn watching non working douchebags, im serious I mean is the lure of not being single or by yourself or the dream of the white picket fence and little kiddos running around everywhere that great that you lose all sense of direction and common sense.... seriously what gives?? how do you let this happen to yourselves??.. Im just curious I mean you hear it all the time women like real men assertive, strong, confident, ambitious, and all that jazz these guys seem to have non of these traits.

[Country_Girl]

ladies it really begs the question (and i admit beforehand might have a tinge of bitterness because im looking for that special someone and am currently single) but why in the hell do you guys marry these idiotic PS3 playing porn watching non working douchebags, im serious I mean is the lure of not being single or by yourself or the dream of the white picket fence and little kiddos running around everywhere that great that you lose all sense of direction and common sense.... seriously what gives?? how do you let this happen to yourselves??.. Im just curious I mean you hear it all the time women like real men assertive, strong, confident, ambitious, and all that jazz these guys seem to have non of these traits.

 

Well my husband worked, be it part time, but before I moved in with him he had a well paying full time job- he lost it 2 months after. He portrayed all these qualities that never came to light: self confidence, dedication, straight forward, no nonsense type of guy. He was so self assured, I only wished I could match his qualities. I met him online, we would spend 2 weeks together every 2 months- we did the whole ldr thing for 1.5 years, and were friends much longer before that. We talked every night on the phone for 3 hours for that 1.5 years before I moved in. What he portrayed and what came to light were vastly different. He seemed committed, we had talked about chores, spending time together, sex, etc. But what he said never matched the outcome sadly.

 

I guess we get so wrapped up in love that we believe the things others tell us. Go figure, he was in sales, and now I feel he was just selling himself to me. Telling me what I wanted to hear. I'm heartbroken. It doesn't matter how we got here, it happened :-(

Edited December 29, 2010 by Country_Girl

[dreamingoftigers]

Well my husband worked, be it part time, but before I moved in with him he had a well paying full time job- he lost it 2 months after. He portrayed all these qualities that never came to light: self confidence, dedication, straight forward, no nonsense type of guy. He was so self assured, I only wished I could match his qualities. I met him online, we would spend 2 weeks together every 2 months- we did the whole ldr thing for 1.5 years, and were friends much longer before that. We talked every night on the phone for 3 hours for that 1.5 years before I moved in. What he portrayed and what came to light were vastly different. He seemed committed, we had talked about chores, spending time together, sex, etc. But what he said never matched the outcome sadly.

 

I guess we get so wrapped up in love that we believe the things others tell us. Go figure, he was in sales, and now I feel he was just selling himself to me. Telling me what I wanted to hear. I'm heartbroken. It doesn't matter how we got here, it happened :-(

 

In my case, I thought my husband was a saint and that he had health issues. Every time I wanted to have sex he was ill. (He was ill other times too I am not quite that dumb). I was really unhappy with the frequency and progression with our sex life, but we had such an active one (everyday) before we were married that I had no reason to suspect he had any issue with me. We went and saw doctors etc. about his stomach problems but nothing seemed to help.

 

I thought he was a saint for about 3 years. He would do so much for me and be so affectionate and let me know that he loved me. He held down a job and was very ambitious. I thought he was the most happy, well-adjusted person I had ever met. I thought I was sooo lucky.

 

I was eight months pregnant when he got arrested. He had been using the wireless signal outside of a coffee shop in a small town he travelled to to make some money. It wasn't a serious charge and it was withdrawn altogether because they thought he was looking at child porn and discovered that that wasn't the case (just dykes and online dating) (often the guys who do that will travel around using anonymous signals at odd times to avoid getting caught). One of the officers assured me that he was not looking at child porn like they had suspected (thank goodness). I would have not looked back at all because we were having a baby together and there was no way I would ever put a child in that kind of risky situation.

 

Well the problems just exploded from there. My "saint" was a sexual addict. Anytime, anywhere. "If the soup was warm" he would tell me. Lies on top of lies on top of lies for a year and a half. Threatening to leave constantly. Telling me he couldn't be happy and monogamous. Letting me know everything was wrong with me (body and all). He stopped taking care of things, started being belligerent and rude and demeaning and would take off on the occasional bender. Lazy, rude to my friends, rude to our employees, and rude to our clients. Constantly critical, harsh and whiny. Like living with a 13 year old with an anger problem. No reasoning with him.

 

In March he left for 8 days telling me that he would not be back and that he would go panhandle money to get an apartment close to me when he felt like seeing his daughter. Then he would get joint custody of her. **** that!

 

I snapped off all communication with him after letting him know that he was an addict who had been arrested and had since driven drunk. Abandoning his daughter sure wasn't going to score points. He had stopped treatment and that I had all of the emails describing the bender he was on and his plan to raise money for his family by conning people. There isn't a sane judge in Alberta that would give him joint custody. I was also going to close our joint bank account so he couldn't send any dirty money my way because I would not have it counted as income against me. I also let him know that if for whatever reason something happened to me my father (the aggressive bulldog a-hole) would fight him for our daughter just to spite him. If he wanted to communicate with me it would have to be through a lawyer or at our counselor's office if he wanted to keep it out of the courts and minimize the impact to our daughter. He came back home and asked to stay. Later he claimed I made him "feel guilty" and I "manipulated him."

 

When he told me that crap about 3 months later, I pulled out exactly what the emails said and showed him straight up that he made a choice. If he thinks he did it out of guilt or manipulation, the door is still in the same place it always was and no one is forcing him to be here.

 

He is quite a bit happier now but still a pain in the ass. These guys need to lose to gain some perspective. If they don't gain any perspective, all you have lost is someone who is wasting your time.

 

Why did I choose him? I chose him because he is the best, most consistent, most believable liar that I have ever met. If I catch him in one of that magnitude ever ever again he had better just quietly leave. I won't yell or scream or cry, but he will lose everything. Last time he yelled about seperating he thought that he could stay in our room and have the suite to himself and our daughter and that I should just get out. Ha ha ha. You cheat and scream divorce: out you go. Let it hit you on the way out.

[Country_Girl]

dreamingoftigers-

 

Wow, what you say reigns true for me. The "hubby" often complained of back pain and said he had issues with it, but it was no problem to "perform" in the beginning of the relationship. When we were ldr, when we would meet up every 2 months and would be intimate close to 5 times a day, for the whole duration of the trip (2 weeks) - every day. As soon as I moved in with him, it took a landslide, all of a sudden his back hurt, he had a headache, etc. I get sometimes people are tired, don't feel like it, etc- but sorry, 3 times a month just wasn't cutting it for me.

 

I actually believed the back excuse, because he knew in the past I was hurt my a porn/gaming addict, so I told him not to get into the relationship if that would pose a problem. He said no way...made up some elaborate story about his mom getting molested at a young age & was exposed to porn by her abductor- and when she caught him with porn at a young age she explained the story, saying it would only lead to bad things, so he never looked again. Lies. At least on his part, what happened to his mom is true, I have talked to her about it- not questioning his story at all, just something she opened up to me about.

 

I feel you, I really do- hubby was an all or nothing guy, much the same, very ambitious, could get any job he wanted...if he didn't qualify for a job, he could talk his way into it (I have seen it happen). Geez, I guess hindsight really is 20/20 - if he could talk his way into a job he wasn't qualified for, no reason he couldn't talk himself into a relationship he wasn't qualified either. Thank you so much for your post, you just made me realize this.

[dreamingoftigers]

The hard part for me was that he was so determined to get married and then so determined to chase other women and watch his porn. If he had 10% of the determination to save the marriage as he did to get laid while I was pregnant, then we would have had the best, most-healed, wonderful marriage in the world.

[Country_Girl]

The hard part for me was that he was so determined to get married and then so determined to chase other women and watch his porn. If he had 10% of the determination to save the marriage as he did to get laid while I was pregnant, then we would have had the best, most-healed, wonderful marriage in the world.

 

At least he actually married you..my hubby lied to his family & friends & said we went to Justice of the Peace when I moved in. They were religious, so he told me I had to follow through with it. Well, we had our real wedding in February, but since he lied to friends & friends of the pastor (who was friends with his friends) thought we were already married & never filed the paperwork.

 

Then he kept sliding through jobs at that point, and when we finally had the money to get married- he started making purchases so we couldn't. Bought a PS3, iPhone, $150 heart rate monitor even though he doesn't work out.

 

Maybe it was a blessing in disguise that we never married.

 

I am so tempted to email his mom and tell her he lied about all this. Just pisses me off. I feel like he's a liar and needs to be called out, but I haven't said anything because I think in the long run it would make me look bad. In a sense, I lied too to them, agreeing that we were married, based on what he said. Sure his step dad would have had a problem with it, but after getting to know his mom, she would not.

[dreamingoftigers]

At least he actually married you..my hubby lied to his family & friends & said we went to Justice of the Peace when I moved in. They were religious, so he told me I had to follow through with it. Well, we had our real wedding in February, but since he lied to friends & friends of the pastor (who was friends with his friends) thought we were already married & never filed the paperwork.

 

Then he kept sliding through jobs at that point, and when we finally had the money to get married- he started making purchases so we couldn't. Bought a PS3, iPhone, $150 heart rate monitor even though he doesn't work out.

 

Maybe it was a blessing in disguise that we never married.

 

I am so tempted to email his mom and tell her he lied about all this. Just pisses me off. I feel like he's a liar and needs to be called out, but I haven't said anything because I think in the long run it would make me look bad. In a sense, I lied too to them, agreeing that we were married, based on what he said. Sure his step dad would have had a problem with it, but after getting to know his mom, she would not.

 

LOL today I get to hear: "If you didn't matter to me, why would I have married you?"

 

I simply said, "it could be easily argued: If I mattered to you, then why would you not stop cheating. So using certain actions that are relative to the person is not proof of caring or loyalty."

 

I have noticed that the spending issue is strongly linked with the sexual addiction. Either they are both relatively under control or they are both out of control.

[goingstrong]

L,

 

As for asking him to help around the house, well I just get labled a bitch and a nag.

 

Well, if you look under the hamper 10 times and your keys are not there, then why do you look under there again? If your bitching and nagging has not worked thus far, then why continue to do it? He acts typical him, and you react typical you...throw him a curveball and react differently..see if that changes his typical reaction....I bet it does.

 

After reading this thread, I can't figure out if your his wife or his mom/therapist.

[coffeecat]

I know I might be in the minority here, but if you work all the time, pay the bills, do the housework then what exactly do you need him for?

[lizzi]

L,

 

 

 

Well, if you look under the hamper 10 times and your keys are not there, then why do you look under there again? If your bitching and nagging has not worked thus far, then why continue to do it? He acts typical him, and you react typical you...throw him a curveball and react differently..see if that changes his typical reaction....I bet it does.

 

After reading this thread, I can't figure out if your his wife or his mom/therapist.

 

 

And that is my exact point. I DONT feel like his wife. I feel like his mom. Take for instance if he needs to be somewhere......I get the "make sure you wake me up so I am not late" request. Then I sit there like a mom getting her 6 year old up for school asking him to wake up over and over. He did some chores around the house to help a bit this week (did dishes once) and you would think he just won an acadamy award. Pointing it out to me over and over that he did dishes....Really????

 

So yes, he has put me in a position of not feeling like his wife but his mom.

 

Our relationship was so fun when we first met. He did everything to make our lives enjoyable. Now the PORN addiction rules his life. He sleeps til noon and is up until 3AM playing my sons PS3. Sleeps on the couch almost every night too. And now the PS3 is "glitching" all over the place and it isnt even a week old. I suspect he is watching porn with that thing all day.

 

So, did I turn him into the helpless child, or did he turn me into his mom?

 

Which came first......the porn addict or the bitch? I never used to be this way in our relationship?

[dreamingoftigers]

Seriously 180 girl.

[lizzi]

When you say "180" I guess i am dense.

 

Should I back off and build my life? Forget about his Porn and just be happy for myself? I feel I should just go forward....do what I can do, make myself happy.....and just let him live his life like he wants to.

 

Enjoy the good times.....dont worry about the house being mesy and just enjoy my life without trying to control him all the time.

 

thoughts?

[gisellefromhell]

When you say "180" I guess i am dense.

 

Should I back off and build my life? Forget about his Porn and just be happy for myself? I feel I should just go forward....do what I can do, make myself happy.....and just let him live his life like he wants to.

 

Enjoy the good times.....dont worry about the house being mesy and just enjoy my life without trying to control him all the time.

 

thoughts?

 

If you think you can be happy married to someone while ignoring the problems, then by all means go for it. I don't think it's healthy though. There's something vitally wrong in people who have addictions. No matter what kind of addiction it is. So if you think you can live in denial of the issues in your relationship, then you should try it. You know it within yourself that it won't be successful, but you can try. There's nothing wrong with having a clean house. You shouldn't be discouraged, you're a great wife. Don't let the inability of your husband to make you happy drag you down to his level. If your kid starts acting like a brat, you don't stop being the parent.

[goingstrong]

And that is my exact point. I DONT feel like his wife. I feel like his mom. Take for instance if he needs to be somewhere......I get the "make sure you wake me up so I am not late" request. Then I sit there like a mom getting her 6 year old up for school asking him to wake up over and over. He did some chores around the house to help a bit this week (did dishes once) and you would think he just won an acadamy award. Pointing it out to me over and over that he did dishes....Really????

 

So yes, he has put me in a position of not feeling like his wife but his mom.

 

Our relationship was so fun when we first met. He did everything to make our lives enjoyable. Now the PORN addiction rules his life. He sleeps til noon and is up until 3AM playing my sons PS3. Sleeps on the couch almost every night too. And now the PS3 is "glitching" all over the place and it isnt even a week old. I suspect he is watching porn with that thing all day.

 

So, did I turn him into the helpless child, or did he turn me into his mom?

 

Which came first......the porn addict or the bitch? I never used to be this way in our relationship?

 

Nice vent and I empathize, but what are you going to do about it? The bitching and nagging is not working.

[dreamingoftigers]

When you say "180" I guess i am dense.

 

Should I back off and build my life? Forget about his Porn and just be happy for myself? I feel I should just go forward....do what I can do, make myself happy.....and just let him live his life like he wants to.

 

Enjoy the good times.....dont worry about the house being mesy and just enjoy my life without trying to control him all the time.

 

thoughts?

 

180 in a nutshell is simply stop doing "more of the same." If being a parent isn't making you any happier and isn't working for you, then yeah, try something completely different. I would suggest just trying to detach from it all because at this point it doesn't sound like it is a healthy enough situation to make a decision about anything. By parenting him, you are making both of you more miserable. Do you give yourself anything to enjoy in life? (That wasn't sarcasm, I was wondering where you draw your joy from because I know living with an addict (especially a moody sonofabitch can be a huge energy drain.)

 

COSA and SAnon can help deal with deatching and setting proper boundaries. Strongly strongly urge you to meet other women in the same/similar scenario. A husband with a porn addiction completely totals your self-esteem and makes you feel powerless. Being reactive and pissed off by it (and even throwing him out of the house face-first) doesn't help you regain that esteem or power.

 

If you think you can be happy married to someone while ignoring the problems, then by all means go for it. I don't think it's healthy though. There's something vitally wrong in people who have addictions. No matter what kind of addiction it is. So if you think you can live in denial of the issues in your relationship, then you should try it. (NO YOU SHOULD NOT SErIOUSLY) You know it within yourself that it won't be successful, but you can try. There's nothing wrong with having a clean house. You shouldn't be discouraged, you're a great wife. Don't let the inability of your husband to make you happy drag you down to his level. If your kid starts acting like a brat, you don't stop being the parent.

 

You cannot be happy and ignore. The two don't coexist. Part of being happy is acknowledging the problem, accepting it and then finding things and ways to be truly joyful in your life. Your husband is not the man you thought you married, it sucks, bad. It is also not the end of your world, in fact in gives you the opportunity for some real personal growth (yay, right?).

 

She is right, don't give up on the clean house. Take power over it. Find a solution. Maybe hire a cleaner and cut back on buying instant meals for the dude. Money has got to come from somewhere and you don't want to live in a dirty house, right? Things like that.

 

I did not feel safe in my relationship with my husband not going for treatment but giving reassurances that he wasn't going to give me an STD. I actually don't think that he would go and physically cheat BUT he also isn't doing his recovery which leaves that high-risk possibility open. (If he was doing his recovery and we had done disclosure, the rik would still be there, but much, much lower.) Well, you know what? Sexual addicts at the point in the game aren't exactly the most trustworthy creatures so I set a boundary that I would not be sleeping with him and we would live seperately for awhile so that he had the time to decide whether or not he would go for treatment. His choice, his consequences to live with and I feel safe that I won't get an STD. I can't fix him, he has to fix himself. I can't nag him to do that (totally ineffective and it doesn't foster trust anyways).

 

I don't want to live in a relationship that is emotionally/physically unsafe. I also don't want to abandon it (yet) and I don't want to be his mother. So up goes the boundary. You case does not sound as severe as mine (yet) but it really sounds like you need some solid boundary work.

 

The funny thing is we are actually both more hopeful because we aren't entangled in each other's "stuff." He can be insulted all he wants but at the end of the day my kid needs a mom more then I need to **** my cheating husband.

 

Nice vent and I empathize, but what are you going to do about it? The bitching and nagging is not working.

 

Boundaries, yo. google them.

[lizzi]

I really appreciate all the input. I do love him and I think he loves me. But the porn stuff really does kill a wifes/womens self esteem. Especially when you are a woman in your late 40's and he gets of on the college/teen girls. Makes me feel that I am not enough.

 

As for the nagging....yes I think I will stop. Just do what I can, when I can and he can live with whatever I cannot get done. You would think he would get tired of living in a mess and J**king off all day to porn......I just dont think he has the ambition or values that I have. You are right, I cant get him to change. I guess life is all about how you react. maybe I will just stop reacting to his inmaturity and work on what makes me happy.

 

he used to make me happy, but I need to rely on myself and do what makes ME happy. With or without him.

 

My newyears resolution? Put Myself and my son first. Do what builds up my self esteeem. Do right to everyone around you and karma will come back three fold.

 

If he wants to live in the shadows of porn. I guess it is his life to live.

[dreamingoftigers]

I really appreciate all the input. I do love him and I think he loves me. But the porn stuff really does kill a wifes/womens self esteem. Especially when you are a woman in your late 40's and he gets of on the college/teen girls. Makes me feel that I am not enough.

 

When someone is addicted, nothing is ever enough. I know when my husband is "acting out" he is one moody bastard.

 

As for the nagging....yes I think I will stop. Just do what I can, when I can and he can live with whatever I cannot get done. You would think he would get tired of living in a mess and J**king off all day to porn......I just dont think he has the ambition or values that I have. You are right, I cant get him to change. I guess life is all about how you react. maybe I will just stop reacting to his inmaturity and work on what makes me happy.

 

I would not just ignore the problem though, there really is a problem. Try reaching out to other women in your circumstance, it can be more helpful on the road to finding happiness then you think.

 

he used to make me happy, but I need to rely on myself and do what makes ME happy. With or without him.

 

Good for you!

 

My newyears resolution? Put Myself and my son first. Do what builds up my self esteeem. Do right to everyone around you and karma will come back three fold.

 

Yay! (Wiccan are we? )

 

If he wants to live in the shadows of porn. I guess it is his life to live.

 

But you also shouldn't have to be over-shadowed by that. Strongly suggest talking to the other women.

 

By the way, the porn etc. is taking up all of his energy, even if he wanted to get off of ass and do something else, he isn't going to have much leftover energy for it.