lizzi Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I posted here earlier about my lack of intamacy with my husband and his porn addictions. Now he gets mad at me and says I treat him like a kid. So how would you handle this situation. We have been together for 6 years. I have had a steady job the whole time. He has gone through several jobs and always ends up getting fired for something inappropriate. He is currently working a part time job where he works maybe 10-12 hours per week. All the other times he is just at home watching TV, searching craigslist, playing poker online, or watching Porn on the computer. The house is a total disaster.....he never lifts a finger to do anything. Leaves lights on everywhere...the whole house is lit up when I get home. Garbage overflowing, dishes in the sink, laundry piling over. He wont do anything and says "its womens work". No romance AT ALL.....I feel like I am the only one holding this together. Well this woman is OVERWORKED. I work 10-12 hours per day. Doesnt he care about anything or anyone? Help! What can I do!
sally4sara Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I posted here earlier about my lack of intamacy with my husband and his porn addictions. Now he gets mad at me and says I treat him like a kid. So how would you handle this situation. We have been together for 6 years. I have had a steady job the whole time. He has gone through several jobs and always ends up getting fired for something inappropriate. He is currently working a part time job where he works maybe 10-12 hours per week. All the other times he is just at home watching TV, searching craigslist, playing poker online, or watching Porn on the computer. The house is a total disaster.....he never lifts a finger to do anything. Leaves lights on everywhere...the whole house is lit up when I get home. Garbage overflowing, dishes in the sink, laundry piling over. He wont do anything and says "its womens work". No romance AT ALL.....I feel like I am the only one holding this together. Well this woman is OVERWORKED. I work 10-12 hours per day. Doesnt he care about anything or anyone? Help! What can I do! If that is the case, then its men's work to hold down a well paying job. Since he is not doing that, he isn't much of a man and should get on the women's work. He's a loser with an over abundance of excuses. I'd send him back to his mother. What you do is you open a bank account in your name only and let him put the fruits of his 10-12 hour job in the other. If you rent, don't sign a new lease with him. If you own, you're going to have to get a separation drawn up and not live with him. No way he can hold down the finances with his PT crap job.
denise_xo Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I'd send him back to his mother. This here sounds right to me...
KraftDinner Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I'm sorry, I never say stuff like that... but what a loser ass. "Women's work"? When you are working 5 x the hours he is? What a disrespectful BUM.
CMJ Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 If you have talked to him about this and how you feel and nothing has helped then I would have suggest you send him packing! Besides making you miserable, what exactly is he doing for you?
PandorasBox Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I think he sounds like he has some serious issues. Maybe his mother did everything for him and he is lazy but I doubt that is the whole thing. He sounds like he has some problems, such as addictions. The best thing for you to do, is to decide what you feel you need to do for yourself. Without him getting some intensive therapy and actually wanting to be helped and willing to change, this is the way its probably gonna be. If thats the life for you then go for it, if not, you might want to rethink what YOU need to do for you. BTW, you can NOT fix or help him, he is gonna have to do it, if he doesn't want to , then you have your answer already.
Author lizzi Posted December 14, 2010 Author Posted December 14, 2010 He is the "baby" of the family and his parents are long passed. We used to have a lot of fun....common interests. Now the only interests he has is in sleeping, drinking on the weekends and watching porn daily. I am DEFINITELY not on the interest list. When I confront him with helping me I am accused of bitching and nagging. He has even made comments to me "I'll show you how I'm not helping" and then he doesnt even go to his part time job. Kind of like a punishment for me I guess. He wont go to counceling. I am just getting so run down and tired. I feel like his maid. Clean the house and shut up. Otherwise I am labled the Nag. You know....he doesnt even ask me how my day went or what is going on in my life. I just feel like crying.
whichwayisup Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 We used to have a lot of fun....common interests. Now the only interests he has is in sleeping, drinking on the weekends and watching porn daily. Tell him this. And tell him you about as unhappy as he is. He is a grown man acting like a spoiled child. The dynamic between you two has to change otherwise the resentments are going to get worse and worse. Put your foot down and give him afew choices. Counselling with you, and on his own, or maybe it's time to think about separation.
PandorasBox Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 His sleeping, drinking, and daily porn and no job etc, are probably his way of "coping" with things in life, and possibly the passing of his parents. The problem is, he isn't really coping. He knows no coping skills, but rather he avoids what really needs to be delt with.
impz Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 He is the "baby" of the family and his parents are long passed. We used to have a lot of fun....common interests. Now the only interests he has is in sleeping, drinking on the weekends and watching porn daily. I am DEFINITELY not on the interest list. When I confront him with helping me I am accused of bitching and nagging. He has even made comments to me "I'll show you how I'm not helping" and then he doesnt even go to his part time job. Kind of like a punishment for me I guess. He wont go to counceling. I am just getting so run down and tired. I feel like his maid. Clean the house and shut up. Otherwise I am labled the Nag. You know....he doesnt even ask me how my day went or what is going on in my life. I just feel like crying. Lizzi, I feel bad for you. It probably is the fact that he is pampered and his style of resolving conflict is to escape from it. When you force him to address the conflict, he gets angry because he does not want to deal with it. It's tough, but at times you just have to shove it up in his face and just let him be whatever he wants. Stop caring, be away for a while. It will help to rejuvenate yourself and make him face reality.
sb129 Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 When I saw the title to this thread I laughed and thought, yup, I often feel like the parent. Then I read the OP and felt really sad. My H is nowhere near as bad as yours. You need to reevaluate what YOU get out of the marriage. It sounds like you don't get anything except stress. He gets a cook, a cleaner, and someone to help pay his bills. Of course he is going to call you a nag- he has got it made. You should leave.
TaraMaiden Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 I echo sb129. if you actually have no children, there is nothing binding you to this guy, but a bit of paper. The time for talking is long time over. Way gone. You've tried enough, and he's just into the nag game, projecting all his faults and defects onto you. If you have a close buddy who might give you a room or just a place to lay your head for a few nights, do that. Leave. Get out. Let him stew. Tell him nothing, warn him of nothing, and change your mobile 'phone number. Be unavailable at work and tell any security or front-person possible that you do not want to either see him or speak with him. And file for divorce. Straight away. You have absolutely nothing at all to lose.
IzzyB Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 (edited) Lizzi, you are acting completely like a parent and completely enabling him. So you are getting what out of this relationship? And may I ask why you are putting up with this? He is very clear about what he is willing to do, nothing. You are simply enabling him and acting like the victim. He cant do any of this to you without your permission. You sound like a strong and capable woman, time to get a clue and get yourself back on track. Sounds to me like maybe either you are afraid to be alone, or, since you mention you have lost your self esteem (in the other posts) you dont feel like you are worthy of more. You are. Get to IC and rediscover yourself and your strength before you allow him to drag you down any further. Edited December 16, 2010 by IzzyB
StrangeCanine Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 I posted here earlier about my lack of intamacy with my husband and his porn addictions. Now he gets mad at me and says I treat him like a kid. So how would you handle this situation. We have been together for 6 years. I have had a steady job the whole time. He has gone through several jobs and always ends up getting fired for something inappropriate. He is currently working a part time job where he works maybe 10-12 hours per week. All the other times he is just at home watching TV, searching craigslist, playing poker online, or watching Porn on the computer. The house is a total disaster.....he never lifts a finger to do anything. Leaves lights on everywhere...the whole house is lit up when I get home. Garbage overflowing, dishes in the sink, laundry piling over. He wont do anything and says "its womens work". No romance AT ALL.....I feel like I am the only one holding this together. Well this woman is OVERWORKED. I work 10-12 hours per day. Doesnt he care about anything or anyone? Help! What can I do! Maaaaan.... You could do so much better. You sound awesome and he.... doesn't. Drop him like a sack of bricks.
Author lizzi Posted December 28, 2010 Author Posted December 28, 2010 I feel really taken for granted. I have a 14 year old son from a previous marriage. He lives with his dad. For Christmas I got him a PS3. Yesterday (one of my 12 hour days) I get a call from my current husband that he loves my sons PS3. Just overjoyed that he has been playing online all day. I am so upset to find out that you can surf the web on a PS3.....so now is he looking at porn all day on a 50inch TV? I get home....house is filthy! I ask him to help me clean when he has extra time. I get the same old.....stop "bitching" about it. I just want to get home at 10pm and go to sleep. maybe I am just depressed at this point.
Lauriebell82 Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 I wouldn't go as far as divorcing him but you two DEFINATELY need to talk. I am a reformed messy wife and with encouragement and understanding (and arguments) from my husband, I have learned how to clean and keep our apartment neat and tidy. I never thought I could do it! But I did, so it could happen. BUT, your husband has to be willing to change his behavior with support and encouragement from you. You don't go from being messy to clean overnight, it's a process. But it's doable if he wants to save your marriage. NOW, unfortunately that does not sound like your only issue. The porn addiction, and lack of a full time job indicate that his issues go beyond your basic "messiness." Have you tried MC? I think you need to have a talk with your husband and see if this is something that he wants/can work out with you.
Holding-On Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 I would third (fourth) the motion to get out. What on earth are you doing with this guy? Why are you with him? A separation will probably work to get you to see this. Otherwise he is keeping you exhausted. If you came home to a clean house you would have time and energy to argue with him about lack of respect. By having to clean up his messes you are draining yourself. TAKE THE FINANCIAL HIT. LEAVE. I suspect you won't... but at least tell us WHY????
Lauriebell82 Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 I would third (fourth) the motion to get out. What on earth are you doing with this guy? Why are you with him? A separation will probably work to get you to see this. Otherwise he is keeping you exhausted. If you came home to a clean house you would have time and energy to argue with him about lack of respect. By having to clean up his messes you are draining yourself. TAKE THE FINANCIAL HIT. LEAVE. I suspect you won't... but at least tell us WHY???? Because she loves him and married him... It's unfortunate that our society just "gives up" so fast. Probably why the divorce rate is so high. If couples actually tried to WORK OUT problems instead of bolt at the sign of "trouble" I bet the divorce rate would go way down. Now I agree that her husband is being a jerk, but maybe he is willing to change to save the marriage? If he's not, THEN it may be time for a seperation.
Author lizzi Posted December 28, 2010 Author Posted December 28, 2010 Well I do feel he loves me.....and I love him. We used to have a lot of fun together and I long for those days. He has his good moments....buying me flowers and making dinner. Those have gotten few and far between. The whole porn thing has really destroyed my self esteem......like I am not enough for him or I dont turn him on anymore. I guess I want him to get back to the man who made me feel like a queen. I am just so tired from working all the time, maybe I have ruined this for myself. I have talked to him about all this porn watching......he tells me that I shouldnt be snooping and he is getting tired of it. As for asking him to help around the house, well I just get labled a bitch and a nag. I do feel like he is just another one of my kids at this point and the PS3 just allows him to do even less. So maybe the laying around not helping is his way of revenge?
Lauriebell82 Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 (edited) I am just so tired from working all the time, maybe I have ruined this for myself. I have talked to him about all this porn watching......he tells me that I shouldnt be snooping and he is getting tired of it. As for asking him to help around the house, well I just get labled a bitch and a nag. I do feel like he is just another one of my kids at this point and the PS3 just allows him to do even less. Wow, this is very rude of him. Have you told him your feelings on this behavior? It is unacceptable. Please don't feel like you have to take this. You definately need to stand up for yourself here. Tell him how you miss how he used to act with you, and ask him if he is willing to get back to the way your relationship used to be. He's capable, the question is, does he want to. He needs to stop treating you like this if he expects you to stick around...and he needs to know that. What exactly do you say to him about his porn watching and cleaning up around the house? HOW you communicate is key. If you yell at him or "nag" as he thinks you do, he is not going to respond to this. Have you ever asked him why he watches porn instead of be with his wife? Edited December 28, 2010 by Lauriebell82
Els Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 I don't think it's anything YOU did. His reason for not helping around the house was that it's 'women's work', after all! Stop financing his lazy-ass behaviour. I doubt he'll manage to feed, clothe, and support himself with 10 hours a week of work. Don't do it for him either!
dreamingoftigers Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 So you got yourself an addict, fun eh? I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I understand the no support, no energy left at the end of the day because you are busy working to support 2 and then trying to get your husband's ass of off the computer so that you have some little piece of joy and intimacy in your life. But he just isn't present and every time you try to get him to be, he wails, bitches and moans and also degrades you further because the only thing he can focus on is the addictive video games, porn and booze. At this point he isn't going to truly care about you or any needs that you have because he can't. Right now the only price he is paying to live in his addictive cocoon is some bitching from you, and then you still give him the affection and support he wants whenever he throws out a crumb of affection or attention. Sometimes you react badly and he can play victim. Then you feel guilty and capitulate. Am I right so far? Having dealt with the fun and games associated with this BS for years and going through all of the wrong doors (bitching, nagging, raging, threatening, silent treatment and trying to be understanding, and periodically giving up) I made some life-altering changes. I wasn't willing to throw in the towel on my marriage (boy some days and weeks I really wanted to, still do sometimes) but I wasn't willing to live like that either. You are not going to be able to make an accurate decision about the state of your marriage while you are sitting in the middle of this cloud anyways. 1) You have to commit to building a solid life for yourself outside of him. This doesn't mean physically seperating, sometimes it does. You have to do things that bring you joy. Go out with your friends (make some new friends), don't just be at his every beck and call filling his needs. I bet you make him dinner every night too. 2) Exercise. Take care of yourself and your health first. 3) Get assessed for ADD, see if he is willing to get assessed. My husband got assessed and it wiped out at least 70% of the issue. Many addictions are ADD-linked and it surprises me how many addictions-specialists don't advocate this on the front lines. If he has ADD, this can severely impact his motivation overall. 4) Get yourself some EMDR therapy if you can afford it. At least get into S-Anon or COSA to help fix your degraded self-esteem over the porn issue (I am still dealing with this day-to-day, I also resent him for it). 5) Check out Divorce Busters, not necessarily to "save the marriage" but they have a ton of great things to help with making yourself happy and detaching from his emotionally manipulating bull****. 6) Don't beat him down or shame him. Do not let him push you into a spot where you will act beneath your dignity. You have to be prepared to walk away from this one, but don't expect it to happen all at once.
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