MsV Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I've been on these boards before but a brief history. My husband of 14 years and I have separated. It was initially my choice after various tries, marriage counseling...you name it, we did it. Reasons for separating were not infidelity for either of us (as for him, not to my knowledge anyway). There was some other issues but out of respect for him, I'll just call it irreconcilable differences. We saw a mediator in the summer, and a lawyer and court date is in January. Currently, I moved out with our 3 kids (he wanted to stay in our house and we worked with the settlement to make that happen). It's been a little over 2 weeks now and though it is still too early to tell, the kids seem to be transitioning nicely. My STBX has kept up his end with child support and seeing the kids...though I have them 95% of the time. Today he asked me how I felt if the girl he is seeing (and has been seeing since the summer) moved in with him. While I certainly expect that might happen eventually, I am not sure how I feel about it right now. Technically the house is still in my name (though we are going to refinance and I will turn my portion over to him in the settlement) that isn't really the issue. The issue is the kids. My eldest son (11) still goes to the house after school when the bus drops him off and before I pick him up to take him home. Would he be seeing this new woman? I'm not sure how I feel about that right now. My STBX and I are not even divorced yet, we haven't even been to court. In one way, it doesn't matter to me. It's gonna happen sooner or later, but in respect to the kids...I don't know. I did tell my STBX that I'm not sure how I feel and to be honest, when he asked her she said no. I just feel it's too soon. Once the house is all is, once have at least been to court then maybe I could see but exposing the kids to another woman right now may not be healthy. My question is, am I overreacting? Also, am I wrong for wanting to meet her before the kids do? Is that necessary or even my right? She sounds decent so I am not overly concerned. And also, the kids don't spend a ton of time at their dads. Also, my STBX does talk to me about her often. Telling me how pretty she is, how much she likes to clean, work in the garden, whatever. I am not jealous but it does hurt that he is so considerate of this woman he has known for what, 6 months, when he couldn't be that way to his wife of 14 years? I realize that I am saying my side here. He's not a bad man but without a doubt, he was NEVER that way with me. He criticized EVERYTHING I did. That was one of the reasons I became unhappy. Anyway, I am trying to maintain a friendly relationship with him and to his credit he is too. So I don't want to rock the boat...all said and done I do want him to be happy. But I also want to be fair to the kids. Having a GF is one thing, even the kids meeting her...but living in so soon?
whichwayisup Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Why is he in such a rush to move in with the OW? I would honestly tell him no, not until the D is final and the kids have more time to adjust to all the changes. He can do sleepovers at HER place, and until your name is off the house, she isn't to sleep there. And, the kids shouldn't meet her for a long time. Last thing they need to deal with is a new step mom during all the changes and adjustments.
Trimmer Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I generally agree with the comments from WWIU. As to how much leverage and/or pressure you want to put on him, you'll have to balance that against maintaining a good parental relationship for the long run. The one thing I told my ex (STBX at the time) as she was bringing her OM more into her life after our split was, effectively, our kids are going through a lot of adjustments now, and they will be experiencing our split as a huge loss. The sooner you bring a new partner into their lives, the more their world will be shaken, and don't forget: if you do integrate him into your life and into your family life with our kids, and at some point the two of you split up, they will AGAIN experience another loss and disturbance in their "family", right on the heels of this one. She was - and is - a reasonable person, and that comment spoke to her on a parental level (not mixing any of our spousal dynamics into the mix to possibly put her on the defensive) and I think it resonated. One other area of concern, which I know is not really your basic question, but this comment rang out to me when I read it: Also, my STBX does talk to me about her often. Telling me how pretty she is, how much she likes to clean, work in the garden, whatever. I am not jealous but it does hurt that he is so considerate of this woman he has known for what, 6 months, when he couldn't be that way to his wife of 14 years? This doesn't sound right. He's treating you like a best-buddy, emotional sounding board, and I give all credit to you that you sound like you are handling it well, but I just don't think that's a good dynamic in your relationship for the long run. I wouldn't want to hear that stuff - it's all well and good to try to "remain friends", but I would give some thought and stake out your relatonship dynamics and boundaries and the characters you are going to play for the long run, and for your sanity and health. You will no longer be spouses, so disconnect from those dynamics. You very much will be parents together, and you will navigate a supportive relationship around that, but this is more of a "friends/buddy" type of thing, and I think that is very different from the relationship you NEED to have as parents, and you have every right to draw a boundary and say "I don't want to participate in discussions, advice, whatever about your future romantic interests, except as they influence our children's lives..." Yecch. My suggestion: you can't be sure WHY he is bringing this kind of stuff up - maybe he does just want to be "buddies", maybe he needs to bolster (and yes, maybe repair) his own self-image after the breakup of your marriage, maybe he's subconsciously poking you, showing you just how well he's doing in spite of your split. But either way, you can (gently but firmly) draw a boundary here. Unless you WANT this dynamic to continue - if maybe you get something from it - this isn't a parental thing you need to interact about, and you don't need to be his "emotional tampon" as we sometimes call it around here...
imagine Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I agree with the other posters. Respect the marriage.
Author MsV Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 I appreciate all the advice, especially about having to draw the line on the relationship. I agree that in wanting to keep the friendship between us I am probably doing it incorrectly...there does need to be some boundaries. I guess it's hard, we've known each other 20 years and we need to find a groove. Also, I am apprehensive about him having his GF move in with him before we are divorced. This advice is really good about what I can say to him, so thank you much :-)
Author MsV Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 Trimmer, Truly great advice and you are spot on. As was in the past, I was always the one to consider the kid's best interests. Not that he is a bad parent, but well, one of the issues we had was HOW we parented or his lack of parenting. The kids are much more closer to me and I am putting them first right now because I myself went through a divorce and I know how it feels. I will talk to him soon and let him know my feelings. Thanks again...
whichwayisup Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Trimmer, Truly great advice and you are spot on. As was in the past, I was always the one to consider the kid's best interests. Not that he is a bad parent, but well, one of the issues we had was HOW we parented or his lack of parenting. The kids are much more closer to me and I am putting them first right now because I myself went through a divorce and I know how it feels. I will talk to him soon and let him know my feelings. Thanks again... Something that could help is family counseling. You all go together, and this way your kids will see the healthy and friendly dynamic between you and their dad. Divorce is hard on kids, but it can be dealt with easier if you and your H co parent well and get along, which it seems you two are in most cases. Do mention to him that you don't wish to hear about his personal life in such detail, and ask him to respect yours as well. Being friendly is one thing, but being friends is another.
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