blizzard Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 It's the holidays...how depressing to feel alone but not be alone. I have found myself watching other couples and their children be a "loving" family. While we are just an operating as a "unit" in our home and out in public. I'm sad for hurting my children. I never wanted to hurt them. I'm sad for marrying a man that wasn't capable of loving me the way I should be loved. The man that finally "tried" in his own way but was way too late. I never thought this would happen. That this would be my life. I wish my kids could have more...two loving parents that wrap their arms around each other, that tell each other I love you, a dad that shows their mom tenderness. A love that doesn't feel forced or rehearsed. I wish I could love their dad. I just want them to see love....I wish Santa could bring them that.
Too Much Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Blizzard, you state my feelings exactly. My best to you and christmas hugs.
Steadfast Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I read some of your history and understand your situation. You have made a lot of very poor decisions, and when that happens one must understand the penalty. No one can escape it. You may pin-point your husband as the villain but he didn't make you cheat. We are responsible and accountable for our actions. No one else. As long as you have breath in your body, it is not too late to start doing the right thing. This applies to all; the betrayed and the betrayer. Focus on your children and when in doubt, so what is best for them. Make truth the rule, not the exception. Raise yourself up, dust yourself off and get on the path. FWIW, do not be fooled by the appearance of happiness. True happiness and content is earned, not given. Start today; right now. Make each day count.
Author blizzard Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 Blizzard, you state my feelings exactly. My best to you and christmas hugs. The same to you my friend...
Author blizzard Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 (edited) I read some of your history and understand your situation. You have made a lot of very poor decisions, and when that happens one must understand the penalty. No one can escape it. You may pin-point your husband as the villain but he didn't make you cheat. We are responsible and accountable for our actions. No one else. As long as you have breath in your body, it is not too late to start doing the right thing. This applies to all; the betrayed and the betrayer. Focus on your children and when in doubt, so what is best for them. Make truth the rule, not the exception. Raise yourself up, dust yourself off and get on the path. FWIW, do not be fooled by the appearance of happiness. True happiness and content is earned, not given. Start today; right now. Make each day count. SF, thank you for encouragement. True happiness is something I haven't felt until now. I still have bad days, sad days. But I am getting back to me. The person I left behind when I married him. And it feels so good to have that confidence back. With IC, I am learning to take a stand for myself...to live my life without his permission. It's so freeing. I am way past the blame game. I have cut myself to pieces blaming myself for the affair. Through counseling, I have learned to stop beating myself up for it...that the affair was a sign that something was wrong in my marriage. An affair was a product of a sour marriage. And it was. My marriage was awful before I strayed. With our decision of divorce, I looked to be rescued. And I found it in someone else that proclaimed to be going through the same. I fell for xOM's divorce lie. Textbook lie. Meanwhile, my husband was having an EA...teasing two OW. In turn, he says it didn't become physically just flirtatious...so it isn't the "same" as what I did. I am 7 months free of affair...and now realizing blame is a two -way street. Yes, what I did was totally wrong. I can't change it. Although I wish I could erase it from my mind. My hell is remembering. I also know that it took both of us to ruin our marriage. My husband is not a villian but he isn't a saint either. He has his own issues that needs professional help. He will not take an initiative to get this help. He is emotionally/physically flat when it comes to loving women. I compare it to a person born without rhythm trying to dance. He says showing love is a sign of weakness. He feels less manly. If love is made into something "silly" or "dirty" he is okay with it. Hence, no intimacy needed in those cases. He needs help. I didn't want to hurt him. But there are bad days where I still feel like he deserved it...as many times as he hurt me. As many times as he pushed me away when I tried to love him. Or begged to be loved. And as many times as he treated me like a dog. So see, I am still recovering. But blame, I will not take full responsibility for the death of my marriage. I do not feel love for him any longer. Over the years, it has simply died. And he let it happen. Edited December 15, 2010 by blizzard
delajoonal Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 blizzard.. i am so sorry for u... your words really sunk into my chest and tears welled up in my eyes... i can't imagine how painful this must be for u right now... the holidays are so difficult. u, me, we all have made mistakes here...but u r only human...things happen please just try to make this time of year Happy and fun for your children and good memories...i know it's hard to NOT show your pain, guilt, anger, etc.... but try for your kids...their childhood goes by so fast. i am sorry for your pain...but so happy u have your children to keep u busy and feeling loved and needed...so important... take care and please keep posting so we can know u r doing well :~)
Recommended Posts