blizzard Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 This thread is for those that did not go back time and time again. Or have any communication with AP. Is there anyone out there where affair ended immediately during dday...where "first" NC was requested...and both AP never looked back? By this I mean, once you obtained closure...you and AP respected first NC and haven't broken it sense. How long was the affair? Was it EA/PA or both? And how did it end? And how long have you been NC?
ladydesigner Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 This thread is for those that did not go back time and time again. Or have any communication with AP. Is there anyone out there where affair ended immediately during dday...where "first" NC was requested...and both AP never looked back? By this I mean, once you obtained closure...you and AP respected first NC and haven't broken it sense. How long was the affair? Was it EA/PA or both? And how did it end? And how long have you been NC? My A was really short lived. We were good friends/co-workers for a year and a half before the A started. It was an EA first then PA for 6 weeks then back to EA for another year until I wanted NC. We have remained NC ever since. I have been NC for over 1 year now. My XAP ended the PA but then wanted to be "friends" it was still an EA for both of us. I couldn't handle being just friends and it just ate me up and he would ignore many emails and then start up with me again like a game. It hurt to be toyed around like that and I just wanted peace of mind and most importantly save my M. I couldn't do that with XAP still being in the picture, hence the NC.
BB07 Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 After D-Day.....(which means that I found out that smm was NOT separated for most of the duration of our dating.) We did speak a few times in the initial aftermath and then that was it. Like everyone else there were lots of times when I had to fight the urge to contact him, I sometimes would have to pinch myself to remind me that he was not who I thought he was and everything that I thought we were was NOT the way it really was. The man I thought he was did not exist. I even went through a stage that is part of the grieving process called bargaining. There were times I admit that I would try to convince myself that his excuses about why he did what he did were acceptable. I wanted to believe, I admit it but somehow I made it through and did not open my heart or my mind to listening to anymore of his lies. I am better than that and I deserve better than him and I know in my heart that I could not trust this man nor could I somehow excuse the terrible things he has done to me or his bs and his family. This is a man who used his dying father as excuses for things and he also used this as a way to make himself unaccountable. The things he lied about to me were horrid but it's a drop in the bucket to what he did to his family and sadly most of them are probably still unaware. Blizzard.......I think it's impossible to not reflect on it or try to figure out the whys and all the rest of it. A person has to get to the point where you accept that there are a lot things that you will never get the answers to, well at least to your satisfaction but it is possible and I'm not the only one who has made it to this point. I have peace of mind.........and that is a very valuable thing! Don't ever underestimate it. Hugs.......Blizzard.
Hazyhead Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 After D-Day.....(which means that I found out that smm was NOT separated for most of the duration of our dating.) We did speak a few times in the initial aftermath and then that was it. Like everyone else there were lots of times when I had to fight the urge to contact him, I sometimes would have to pinch myself to remind me that he was not who I thought he was and everything that I thought we were was NOT the way it really was. The man I thought he was did not exist. I even went through a stage that is part of the grieving process called bargaining. There were times I admit that I would try to convince myself that his excuses about why he did what he did were acceptable. I wanted to believe, I admit it but somehow I made it through and did not open my heart or my mind to listening to anymore of his lies. I am better than that and I deserve better than him and I know in my heart that I could not trust this man nor could I somehow excuse the terrible things he has done to me or his bs and his family. This is a man who used his dying father as excuses for things and he also used this as a way to make himself unaccountable. The things he lied about to me were horrid but it's a drop in the bucket to what he did to his family and sadly most of them are probably still unaware. Blizzard.......I think it's impossible to not reflect on it or try to figure out the whys and all the rest of it. A person has to get to the point where you accept that there are a lot things that you will never get the answers to, well at least to your satisfaction but it is possible and I'm not the only one who has made it to this point. I have peace of mind.........and that is a very valuable thing! Don't ever underestimate it. Hugs.......Blizzard. I don't quite fit this, Blizzard, because it took me a couple of attempts, but BB draws on some good points so, sorry for the tj but, do those feelings feel so far away now BB, or do you still have those moments where you just want to speak to him? Blizzard, what is it you're thinking? How are you doing?
BB07 Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I don't quite fit this, Blizzard, because it took me a couple of attempts, but BB draws on some good points so, sorry for the tj but, do those feelings feel so far away now BB, or do you still have those moments where you just want to speak to him? Blizzard, what is it you're thinking? How are you doing? They do feel far away and the urge to speak with him is gone. I no longer have an urge to analyze why he did this or that or want to hear any reasons/excuses from him. I'm be lying if I said that it was completely out of my mind, I still think about it, not so much him. When I think about him, I don't obsess nor do I let myself miss him. After-all what do I have to miss about him, as he was a fake. I'm not implying that I have it 100% behind me, but I do have HIM behind me. The rest of IT is the hard part. Sometimes I still struggle with anger at him and myself. Maybe a year from now........I will feel indifferent about it all and can say that I'm completely healed and better than I was before. Hope so! I do have peace of mind......in that I'm doing the right thing for me and I am proud of me for not allowing him to have anymore of me and doing the right thing from my moral standpoint.
Confused4Now Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 This thread is for those that did not go back time and time again. Or have any communication with AP. Is there anyone out there where affair ended immediately during dday...where "first" NC was requested...and both AP never looked back? By this I mean, once you obtained closure...you and AP respected first NC and haven't broken it sense. How long was the affair? Was it EA/PA or both? And how did it end? And how long have you been NC? I think the only time anyone can establish a hard NC is if they are ready. I don't know of to many people here on LS who did it on the first try. I think everyone wants to believe their story/situation is so different. As most of you know I used NC to get an answer to get my xMW moving. Now having thought about it for some time...I think the best method is to go NC with no hope of them changing meaning..."hey it's over don't look me up cause I won't be there waiting" not putting your life on hold like so many of us have. I also thought that the why I did No Contact was manipulative to get what I wanted. Of course she never did come but if she did would she have come if I said I don't want to hear from you ever again? Rather than the look me up when you finally get out.... just throwing my 2 cents in here.....thoughts?
ladydesigner Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 They do feel far away and the urge to speak with him is gone. I no longer have an urge to analyze why he did this or that or want to hear any reasons/excuses from him. I'm be lying if I said that it was completely out of my mind, I still think about it, not so much him. When I think about him, I don't obsess nor do I let myself miss him. After-all what do I have to miss about him, as he was a fake. I'm not implying that I have it 100% behind me, but I do have HIM behind me. The rest of IT is the hard part. Sometimes I still struggle with anger at him and myself. Maybe a year from now........I will feel indifferent about it all and can say that I'm completely healed and better than I was before. Hope so! I do have peace of mind......in that I'm doing the right thing for me and I am proud of me for not allowing him to have anymore of me and doing the right thing from my moral standpoint. BB this is exactly where I am at and I am over 1 year at NC. He maybe enters my head for a couple of minutes and he is always viewed as "a fake" in my eyes. Then I am mad at myself and the A. Most of the time I am mad that it even happened in the first place. I think most important is getting to indifference and forgiving ourselves.
siuys Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I agree with Confused. Much better to go NC and forget about the whole thing. It's gonna hurt but at least there is clarity. While I didn't have a clear 'ending', it doesn't mean i cannot create one for myself now. So after several attempts, this is the longest NC i've been 15 days. A 10-month affair. Ouch! So NEVER doing that again.
silverplanets Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Where I am now is that I have a deep compassionate love and respect for myself. I have little or no need to think of her and when I do (for example as writing this brings it to mind) I do so with a genuine smile on my face (it's breaking on my face now) ... a smile that says "I love you Chris for trying, for being willing to commit everything to someone whom you thought you loved and for being willing to try again and again because you thought it was worth it. But most of all I am proud of the strength you finally showed in walking away, in not getting involved with anyone new and with just being by yourself and becoming a much deeper and centered person. I am proud of how you have put your daughter first, how you have re-worked your job so that you can spend more time helping others and how you have began to live your life to your values and left others to live theirs by theirs." In terms of the OP, I should point out that this was a journey over a long time so maybe what I say above is not relevant. be safe C
siuys Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Fantastic, silverplanets! That's where I am heading towards... this is my goal also and knowing that you are there gives me confidence that i, too can get there. thank you.
wheelwright Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 I think the only time anyone can establish a hard NC is if they are ready. I don't know of to many people here on LS who did it on the first try. I think everyone wants to believe their story/situation is so different. As most of you know I used NC to get an answer to get my xMW moving. Now having thought about it for some time...I think the best method is to go NC with no hope of them changing meaning..."hey it's over don't look me up cause I won't be there waiting" not putting your life on hold like so many of us have. I also thought that the why I did No Contact was manipulative to get what I wanted. Of course she never did come but if she did would she have come if I said I don't want to hear from you ever again? Rather than the look me up when you finally get out.... just throwing my 2 cents in here.....thoughts? You may be right. But I don't like this standpoint. It says we can only overcome our demons by avoiding them. I don't buy it.
wheelwright Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 You may be right. But I don't like this standpoint. It says we can only overcome our demons by avoiding them. I don't buy it. Or am I agreeing?
fooled once Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 This thread is for those that did not go back time and time again. Or have any communication with AP. Is there anyone out there where affair ended immediately during dday...where "first" NC was requested...and both AP never looked back? By this I mean, once you obtained closure...you and AP respected first NC and haven't broken it sense. How long was the affair? Was it EA/PA or both? And how did it end? And how long have you been NC? Crud, thought I can answer this..... and I mostly can. I didn't go back. I didn't contact him. He called me a couple times, I didn't answer. He called a month later, I answered (thinking it was my boyfriend as I was on the other line and caller ID beeped) and I told him I was in a relationship. He tried again a week later. I answered, he spoke, I immediately hung up. Then he emailed me, which I received when I returned from my honeymoon (which was 8 months after the affair ended) and my husband responded He contacted me at work - no caller ID. He called, I answered, he spoke, I listened for 5 min, told him again I was DONE, I was MARRIED and I was DONE and to not contact me ever again and then hung up. Affair was 2 years. EA/PA both. Ended when I chose to end it because I firmly believe if they LOVE YOU, they will be with you. I was not listening to excuses anymore and told him so. Told him I wasn't playing the "give me more time" game any longer. He begged, he cried, he pleaded....I didn't relent. I firmly respected it; he didn't. I can't control what he did. But I did control me.
siuys Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Well done, fooled once. I so agree with you can only control your own actions. wheelwright, i don't think hard NC is overcoming our demons by avoiding them. i think most of us DO face our demons until we realise we can do so no more, and we must now walk away from the devil or continue to stay in hell...
Author blizzard Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 After D-Day.....(which means that I found out that smm was NOT separated for most of the duration of our dating.) We did speak a few times in the initial aftermath and then that was it. Like everyone else there were lots of times when I had to fight the urge to contact him, I sometimes would have to pinch myself to remind me that he was not who I thought he was and everything that I thought we were was NOT the way it really was. The man I thought he was did not exist. I even went through a stage that is part of the grieving process called bargaining. There were times I admit that I would try to convince myself that his excuses about why he did what he did were acceptable. I wanted to believe, I admit it but somehow I made it through and did not open my heart or my mind to listening to anymore of his lies. I am better than that and I deserve better than him and I know in my heart that I could not trust this man nor could I somehow excuse the terrible things he has done to me or his bs and his family. This is a man who used his dying father as excuses for things and he also used this as a way to make himself unaccountable. The things he lied about to me were horrid but it's a drop in the bucket to what he did to his family and sadly most of them are probably still unaware. Blizzard.......I think it's impossible to not reflect on it or try to figure out the whys and all the rest of it. A person has to get to the point where you accept that there are a lot things that you will never get the answers to, well at least to your satisfaction but it is possible and I'm not the only one who has made it to this point. I have peace of mind.........and that is a very valuable thing! Don't ever underestimate it. Hugs.......Blizzard. BB- You are me. The bargaining...wow I have gone through that. BB's quote: "The things he lied about to me were horrid but it's a drop in the bucket to what he did to his family and sadly most of them are probably still unaware" It's perplexing. This thought helped me realize that I never want a man like this in my life. This secret man. All of things they don't know. His family knew one man, and I knew another. A man like this is just too weird. I am just getting to the acceptance point. At times, I still do straddle the fence with revengeful thoughts. But it is has gotten easier to take a step back. To remind myself "what's the point" and just keep moving on. Thank you. What you have written hits home with me...
Author blizzard Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 I don't quite fit this, Blizzard, because it took me a couple of attempts, but BB draws on some good points so, sorry for the tj but, do those feelings feel so far away now BB, or do you still have those moments where you just want to speak to him? Blizzard, what is it you're thinking? How are you doing? HH- Thank you for asking...I am actually doing okay. It's been nearly 8mts NC so I haven't hit a one year mark yet. I still think of him everyday. But I don't dwell on him. I get teary-eyed sometimes when I think of how he hurt me. Lied to me. How this monster that I thought was gold would hurt me, take advantage of me at one of the hardest times of my life. And just walkaway. To leave me in it. This month has been tough, but as tough as the first week of NC. Not only is it the holidays, but it was a year ago when he told me that they were divorcing...and he looked me in the eyes and said "I love you" for the first time. That he had been wanting to say I love you for so long. The reason for the post is that there aren't really any positive posters that share their stories of going NC and moving on. Most flounder. I haven't read one post that called it quits and stuck with it. I need to hear good NC experiences that keep me grounded. And I also post this b/c I wondered how out of the ordinary it is for my xMM to not try to come back into my life. Oddly enough, he has left me alone. God knows I am thankful, but at the same time I feel more used than ever. Everything he said meant nothing. He is the goose that got the gander. And I beat myself up for being so naive. At the same time, I wonder if he feels remorse about what he did to me...
Author blizzard Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 Where I am now is that I have a deep compassionate love and respect for myself. I have little or no need to think of her and when I do (for example as writing this brings it to mind) I do so with a genuine smile on my face (it's breaking on my face now) ... a smile that says "I love you Chris for trying, for being willing to commit everything to someone whom you thought you loved and for being willing to try again and again because you thought it was worth it. But most of all I am proud of the strength you finally showed in walking away, in not getting involved with anyone new and with just being by yourself and becoming a much deeper and centered person. I am proud of how you have put your daughter first, how you have re-worked your job so that you can spend more time helping others and how you have began to live your life to your values and left others to live theirs by theirs." In terms of the OP, I should point out that this was a journey over a long time so maybe what I say above is not relevant. be safe C This brought tears...thank you. I really needed to hear this. I can only pray to be there one day...I look forward to it.
ladydesigner Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 HH- Thank you for asking...I am actually doing okay. It's been nearly 8mts NC so I haven't hit a one year mark yet. I still think of him everyday. But I don't dwell on him. I get teary-eyed sometimes when I think of how he hurt me. Lied to me. How this monster that I thought was gold would hurt me, take advantage of me at one of the hardest times of my life. And just walkaway. To leave me in it. This month has been tough, but as tough as the first week of NC. Not only is it the holidays, but it was a year ago when he told me that they were divorcing...and he looked me in the eyes and said "I love you" for the first time. That he had been wanting to say I love you for so long. The reason for the post is that there aren't really any positive posters that share their stories of going NC and moving on. Most flounder. I haven't read one post that called it quits and stuck with it. I need to hear good NC experiences that keep me grounded. And I also post this b/c I wondered how out of the ordinary it is for my xMM to not try to come back into my life. Oddly enough, he has left me alone. God knows I am thankful, but at the same time I feel more used than ever. Everything he said meant nothing. He is the goose that got the gander. And I beat myself up for being so naive. At the same time, I wonder if he feels remorse about what he did to me... (((blizzard))) I so know what you mean here. I often think why hasn't he contacted me, if he really meant what he said to me (and of course they were always just words and no action) then he would contact me. But then again he is respecting what I have asked for and NC is NC and I guess we should be thankful for that, otherwise the game is still being played and that was no fun. Don't beat yourself up we all learned a powerful lesson from these affairs and they do most often happen at our weakest point, I know mine did. I believe my XAP feels remorse probably both for the pain he caused me, but I'm sure mostly that he was deceiving his girlfriend (who is the love of his life:rolleyes:). I'm not sure if you ever get this ephiphany, but often times I get a reality check of "what was I thinking?" I know if there was a chance to be with my XAP in real life I'm absolutely positive I wouldn't want him as a lifetime partner. Someone who treats another as such is not good partner material.
Hazyhead Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 They do feel far away and the urge to speak with him is gone. I no longer have an urge to analyze why he did this or that or want to hear any reasons/excuses from him. I'm be lying if I said that it was completely out of my mind, I still think about it, not so much him. When I think about him, I don't obsess nor do I let myself miss him. After-all what do I have to miss about him, as he was a fake. I'm not implying that I have it 100% behind me, but I do have HIM behind me. The rest of IT is the hard part. Sometimes I still struggle with anger at him and myself. Maybe a year from now........I will feel indifferent about it all and can say that I'm completely healed and better than I was before. Hope so! I do have peace of mind......in that I'm doing the right thing for me and I am proud of me for not allowing him to have anymore of me and doing the right thing from my moral standpoint. Thanks, BB. The reason I asked is because I, too, do think of him still, but have no desire to get in touch, which is so different to how I was around the start of this year. It's that that tells me the progress I've made. Recently I've been so mad at him and that feeling I've not enjoyed, but I think I'm coming out of that now, to a place where I can think fondly of him again without the need to have him a part of me... a current part anyway. I am finding my piece of mind too, and am so glad you have yours (God knows that's so deserved)... I guess I wish for indifference too. I think. I do wish to be completely healed... not far away I don't think.
Hazyhead Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 HH- Thank you for asking...I am actually doing okay. It's been nearly 8mts NC so I haven't hit a one year mark yet. I still think of him everyday. But I don't dwell on him. I get teary-eyed sometimes when I think of how he hurt me. Lied to me. How this monster that I thought was gold would hurt me, take advantage of me at one of the hardest times of my life. And just walkaway. To leave me in it. This month has been tough, but as tough as the first week of NC. Not only is it the holidays, but it was a year ago when he told me that they were divorcing...and he looked me in the eyes and said "I love you" for the first time. That he had been wanting to say I love you for so long. The reason for the post is that there aren't really any positive posters that share their stories of going NC and moving on. Most flounder. I haven't read one post that called it quits and stuck with it. I need to hear good NC experiences that keep me grounded. And I also post this b/c I wondered how out of the ordinary it is for my xMM to not try to come back into my life. Oddly enough, he has left me alone. God knows I am thankful, but at the same time I feel more used than ever. Everything he said meant nothing. He is the goose that got the gander. And I beat myself up for being so naive. At the same time, I wonder if he feels remorse about what he did to me... Good for you, Blizzard It doesn't have to mean he used you. It could be a sign of respect and remorse! Either way, it doesn't matter. What matters is you, and that 8 months ago you were a very different person to the one we read about now. You should be so proud of yourself. But the bolded above, take it from me, you should be incredibly glad about that. Keep moving forward
Hazyhead Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Where I am now is that I have a deep compassionate love and respect for myself. I have little or no need to think of her and when I do (for example as writing this brings it to mind) I do so with a genuine smile on my face (it's breaking on my face now) ... a smile that says "I love you Chris for trying, for being willing to commit everything to someone whom you thought you loved and for being willing to try again and again because you thought it was worth it. But most of all I am proud of the strength you finally showed in walking away, in not getting involved with anyone new and with just being by yourself and becoming a much deeper and centered person. I am proud of how you have put your daughter first, how you have re-worked your job so that you can spend more time helping others and how you have began to live your life to your values and left others to live theirs by theirs." In terms of the OP, I should point out that this was a journey over a long time so maybe what I say above is not relevant. be safe C Always inspiring to read, Chris. Glad to see you back (Your words are always relevant.)
silverplanets Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Fantastic, silverplanets! That's where I am heading towards... this is my goal also and knowing that you are there gives me confidence that i, too can get there. thank you. This brought tears...thank you. I really needed to hear this. I can only pray to be there one day...I look forward to it. Always inspiring to read, Chris. Glad to see you back (Your words are always relevant.) Thanks guys :) You know, it's really hard sometimes to walk away, and it's even harder to keep walking when what you are ultimately walking into is discovering who you are deep inside. If you can keep going though, then the rewards are fantastic (or at least for me they have been so far). Getting to truly know oneself, one's strength, one's compassion, one's values and who one really is. Getting to actually rediscover oneself and love oneself for whom one is. Realising that you're wonderful and lovable JUST AS YOU ARE ... and that you don't need anyone's permission to be yourself ... and realising that you have just as much right to your time and space in this little universe as everyone else on the planet. And finally (to date) realising how much you have in common with everyone else, how little we all are in the scheme of things and yet how important we are at the same time. And the best thing of all , is that this just feels like the beginning. ... and for Hazy ... rest assured I never left xxx I pop in every now and again and if I don't comment it's because it would get a bit dull for me to be posting "I'm so proud of you guys" all the time :) be safe Chris
half_ofa_heart Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Thanks guys :) You know, it's really hard sometimes to walk away, and it's even harder to keep walking when what you are ultimately walking into is discovering who you are deep inside. If you can keep going though, then the rewards are fantastic (or at least for me they have been so far). Getting to truly know oneself, one's strength, one's compassion, one's values and who one really is. Getting to actually rediscover oneself and love oneself for whom one is. Realising that you're wonderful and lovable JUST AS YOU ARE ... and that you don't need anyone's permission to be yourself ... and realising that you have just as much right to your time and space in this little universe as everyone else on the planet. And finally (to date) realising how much you have in common with everyone else, how little we all are in the scheme of things and yet how important we are at the same time. And the best thing of all , is that this just feels like the beginning. ... and for Hazy ... rest assured I never left xxx I pop in every now and again and if I don't comment it's because it would get a bit dull for me to be posting "I'm so proud of you guys" all the time :) be safe Chris You are an Inspriration!
BB07 Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 Thanks, BB. The reason I asked is because I, too, do think of him still, but have no desire to get in touch, which is so different to how I was around the start of this year. It's that that tells me the progress I've made. Recently I've been so mad at him and that feeling I've not enjoyed, but I think I'm coming out of that now, to a place where I can think fondly of him again without the need to have him a part of me... a current part anyway. I am finding my piece of mind too, and am so glad you have yours (God knows that's so deserved)... I guess I wish for indifference too. I think. I do wish to be completely healed... not far away I don't think. Oh Hazy.....I so hear you and I'm so much in the same place you are about the anger. The last couple of weeks have found me the angriest I've been since it all blew up. :sick: Some of my little revenge fantasies are particularly heinous. I even talked to my bff about it last night and I said this to her, maybe I'm afraid to let the anger go, maybe I'm afraid if I let it go, the sadness will come back to replace the anger???? It's a stage Hazy........we'll get through it and I do have peace of mind about NOT having him in my life and I did the right thing at the end.
BB07 Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 It was a awesome post Chris.........some day I want to be where you are. I'm on my way!
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