stopthemadness Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Ive been comming here to L/S for a few months now. I read everyones threads and it makes me feel not alone in my heart ache. So heres my question? Why oh why cant I just move on?? Its been a few months now that weve been broke up. Hes seeing some other lady. Am kinda talking to some one else. But I just cant go any longer then 6 or 7 days of N/C. I have been seeing a therapist. It seems to help for like a week then am right back where I started.(i see her every two weeks). I emailed him this morning.Then called. It was good to hear his voice but it went no where. I even went and saw him last week. I think am trying to find closure? but where, where do i find it? I once went 26 days of N/C back in Sept. Why cant I do that again? I know need to cross over to the other side of this breakup and just be done and over it already!! I really want today to be the first day of N/C for ever!!I really do. Why cant I just do that?
Ajax Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 When you've really cared about someone you can't just turn your feelings off. It takes time, sometimes a long time, for you to move on. My ex broke up with me in August and i still miss her. I think the holiday's make things worse. Despite what you say, it does sound like you're moving forward. You're seeing the therapist which is good. Don't beat yourself up over still having feelings of loss. You had a picture of how your life was going to be and then that picture was shattered. You're still in the process of painting a new picture, and you're not sure how it will looks yet.
Author stopthemadness Posted December 14, 2010 Author Posted December 14, 2010 When you've really cared about someone you can't just turn your feelings off. It takes time, sometimes a long time, for you to move on. My ex broke up with me in August and i still miss her. I think the holiday's make things worse. Despite what you say, it does sound like you're moving forward. You're seeing the therapist which is good. Don't beat yourself up over still having feelings of loss. You had a picture of how your life was going to be and then that picture was shattered. You're still in the process of painting a new picture, and you're not sure how it will looks yet. Thanks for saying that it does sound like am moving forward. Most days it feels like I am. But it sure dont feel like it 2day .I saw the movie Eat Love and Pray with Julia Roberts. Anyone whos going through a break up should see this movie, lots of good stuff. It really hit home!! Learned some stuff. Just really miss (us) what we had 2day. Or what I thought we had. 2morrow will be better.
Ajax Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Thanks for saying that it does sound like am moving forward. Most days it feels like I am. But it sure dont feel like it 2day .I saw the movie Eat Love and Pray with Julia Roberts. Anyone whos going through a break up should see this movie, lots of good stuff. It really hit home!! Learned some stuff. Just really miss (us) what we had 2day. Or what I thought we had. 2morrow will be better. Eat, Pray, Love huh? That's the movie that I went to see with my ex the night before she broke up with me. In fact I think it partially helped her make up her mind to do it, thinking that she had to go "find herself." I'm sure it's a movie that helps some people going through a breakup, but I for one will never watch it again so long as I live.
starryeyed12 Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I feel your pain...trust me. I'm just starting to realize that to go the NC distance you HAVE to make the decision in your mind that you truly want it and that its truly best for you. You will waver and falter as the days pass, but once you make the decision for NC you have to hang on to it for dear life. The decision needs to be at your core, so that no matter what absurdities come into your day to day, you will always be able to peel back the layers and find your center. That means he can try to contact you, he can be an ass or say what you've always wanted him to say, but this will not alter your core. Your loneliness, pain, whatever won't be able to rock you to your core. The days will pass and soon you won't believe how long its been or the person you have now become. Annnd thats how you do it. Got it? Good. It obviously can be very, very difficult. You may take awhile to understand this realization, but keep grinding it out. Each time you do, you learn. I hope that I don't make any huge mistakes this time around in my NC, but I will continue to learn and hang on. And when it comes down to it, thats really all we can do.
vandelay Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Eat, Pray, Love huh? That's the movie that I went to see with my ex the night before she broke up with me. In fact I think it partially helped her make up her mind to do it, thinking that she had to go "find herself." I'm sure it's a movie that helps some people going through a breakup, but I for one will never watch it again so long as I live. Oh man, I hear ya. DAMN THAT BOOK!
mgene15 Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 NC is a fight against yourself after a week or two, it's the toughest thing to do and actually put in play, very easy to talk about it, but very very hard to actually do. hope the best for you, and for your sake go NC! I don't no you personally but I'm thinkin you don't need any more pain and that's the only way to stop it..
Ajax Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 NC is a fight against yourself after a week or two, it's the toughest thing to do and actually put in play, very easy to talk about it, but very very hard to actually do. hope the best for you, and for your sake go NC! I don't no you personally but I'm thinkin you don't need any more pain and that's the only way to stop it.. It can be quite torturous, but yes, NC is the only thing you can do. I don't even want to think about how worse off I'd be if I'd been in contact with my ex. It hurts not to talk to her, but it would hurt even more to be her "friend." You can do it. You will do it. When you feel weak post on here.
Fern Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 You can't move on because you keep picking at that scab. We all know that itch to contact the ex is hard to ignore, but the more you scratch - the slower you heal. Set yourself a goal. If you can usually only go 7 days - try making it to 10 next time and maybe 15 after that. And start thinking about WHY you guys are split. Sometimes, when I read threads like this, I'm glad my ex behaved like a total ****. It makes it harder for me to justify the times when I miss him and want to wallow - and believe me, I feel exactly the same as you do. It's a chemical thing in your brain, attachment is a physical ache sometimes, no matter what the circumstances. Do yourself a favour and be tough on yourself. Stop the contact.
Author stopthemadness Posted December 14, 2010 Author Posted December 14, 2010 Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement. As of 2day I am on full N/C..Am REALLY gona try to get past 7 days. And if eventually he does try to contact me(and he will) I will be strong and not respond.Seems things arent going so well with him and his new person. Thats why I think he still emails me sometimes. But I dont think I can be his friend anymore its just way too hard for me. We were 2gether 81/2 years so am gona need time to get over this man and I know that. But 2day I cryed for the first time in a while..Just having a bad day..
Fern Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Cry if you need to! It helps me LOADS. I always feel way better after a good weep. You'll be OK. I promise, just try to be kind to yourself - even if that means making yourself do (or not do, in the case of contacting him) things to help yourself heal.
Author stopthemadness Posted December 14, 2010 Author Posted December 14, 2010 Ajax sorry the movie did that too you. I did that after seeing" Hes just not that into you" Hope that made you smile. Life can be funny sometimes huh..
sid980 Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I went through a bad break up recently as well. I tried the "just friends" thing thinking it would be okay. It isn't. I was looking for closure too, then I realized something. It's like we are looking for some magic pill that will just make everything better. Closure is the word we give to whatever it is that puts us past that stage of being able to move on. It isn't a specific thing, yet we talk about it like it's just going to the store for a loaf of bread. "I need closure"... what does that mean? I tried no contact several time over the last few months and was fine on my side of it. I didn't call or text her at all. But her side... she couldn't go more that a month (usually just a few days) without calling me for something. Then she started showing up in the middle of the night upset and I'd let her in. I finally realized what was happening. Something finally clicked in my head that the relationship had been over for a while and the situation I was leaving myself in was toxic. I put an end to it all a few weeks ago and haven't looked back. We do have children together so I will never truly be able to go NC, as much as I wish I could, but I have made it clear that the only things we have left to discuss are things related to the kids. She has sent me a few texts over the last couple weeks. I read them to see if they relate to the kids, if not I delete them and do not respond. She'll get the hint eventually.
Amandabanana6 Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Hey i'm sure you have heard this a thousand times already and you don't really want to hear it again but you HAVE to do NC to move on. It is the only way. The only time I start feeling good again is when I cut all contact. It's hard at first but it gets easier trust me
Amandabanana6 Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I went through a bad break up recently as well. I tried the "just friends" thing thinking it would be okay. It isn't. I was looking for closure too, then I realized something. It's like we are looking for some magic pill that will just make everything better. Closure is the word we give to whatever it is that puts us past that stage of being able to move on. It isn't a specific thing, yet we talk about it like it's just going to the store for a loaf of bread. "I need closure"... what does that mean? I tried no contact several time over the last few months and was fine on my side of it. I didn't call or text her at all. But her side... she couldn't go more that a month (usually just a few days) without calling me for something. Then she started showing up in the middle of the night upset and I'd let her in. I finally realized what was happening. Something finally clicked in my head that the relationship had been over for a while and the situation I was leaving myself in was toxic. I put an end to it all a few weeks ago and haven't looked back. We do have children together so I will never truly be able to go NC, as much as I wish I could, but I have made it clear that the only things we have left to discuss are things related to the kids. She has sent me a few texts over the last couple weeks. I read them to see if they relate to the kids, if not I delete them and do not respond. She'll get the hint eventually. very well said. I used to think I NEEDED closure but all I was really hoping for was for him to take me back. Closure is accepting and moving on.
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