Margot Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I have written about my break up a couple of times here but a little background. I was with my ex for 6 years and he broke up with me 5 months ago. I have been in No Contact for almost 5 months. Ever since my NC he writes me e-mails about what he's been up to and about things that he sees that I might like. I have ignored all of this because he lied to me and I think that he cheated on me (I found some messages between him and a co-worker but he always stated that they were jokes). I was hurt really bad. Well last week was my birthday and he just appeared at my apartment with some gifts and we talked for about 3 hours. He was flirty and saying stuff to make me believe that he thinks about me and isn't over me. We talked about movies, books, music, school, friends, etc. During our conversation he said stuff like that he always talk about me in his new work, that he was going to get a tattoo about me, he cried like three time when I said some of my classic jokes or comments, that a friend of his can't understand how he can't be with me, that how after my surgery (cervical) I will not feel his penis inside me (It was supposed to be a joke, I just ignored that comment). He asked if I was moving to states for my Ph.D in couple of years because he heard it from my brother and when I told him it was next fall he almost fainted. I just was indifferent to this because I know that he hangs out with this co-worker of his and that he hasn't apologize for his bad behavior. He blamed me for all the wrong in the relationship, he said that his friendship with this girl was only and that I was imagining things of him having an affair with her and at the end of our relationship he was distant and didn't want to spent time with me and now he is like nothing happened? I know that all this all lies or stuff to try and get me into him again. I love him but I have some self respect too. Then in the afternoon he writes me the following e-mail: Hi X (The cute name he used to say to me): First of all it was very important to me to see you. No matter what happened between us or what may happen in the future, being with you it's always a good experience. For me it was like 5 minutes but in reality we talked for more that 2 hours...I can't write a lot for the reason I already told this morning. I don't know how to find a happy medium(middle ground, well I don't how to translate it well what he said) or maybe I just don't want to find it. I don't want to sound generic but at the same time I can't tell you the things that I really want to tell you. I'm only writing to tell you that I hope that you spend a good birthday and that all goes well tomorrow (I was having surgery) You know that if you ever need anything you can really count on me. Let me know how everything went. Bye X What does this message means? What does he means of the stuff that it's in bold? If is with that girl, why he contacts me and say this things? I cried for this basterd for almost 4 months and now that I feel good he does this? I just wanted you guys/gals opinion on this because it helps a lot. That day I didn't feel bad but a couple of days later and started to think a lot about that incident and now I feel quite sad.
cerridwen Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 First of all it was very important to me to see you. No matter what happened between us or what may happen in the future, being with you it's always a good experience. Incredibly, I think this means he thinks you two have the potential to reunite in the future. He seems to be alluding to you at least BEING in his life in the future in SOME capacity. He obviously does not grasp how much he's damaged things. For me it was like 5 minutes but in reality we talked for more that 2 hours...I can't write a lot for the reason I already told this morning. I don't know how to find a happy medium(middle ground, well I don't how to translate it well what he said) or maybe I just don't want to find it. Understanding his meaning when you're having to translate from another language makes this a bit trickier. But, I think he's trying to say "I don't know how to have a happy medium between being with you and NOT being with you"--or "having you in my life and NOT having you in my life." When he says "Or maybe I just don't want to find it" he means "or maybe I just don't want to come to the conclusion I shouldn't be with you" I don't want to sound generic but at the same time I can't tell you the things that I really want to tell you. I'm only writing to tell you that I hope that you spend a good birthday and that all goes well tomorrow (I was having surgery) You know that if you ever need anything you can really count on me. Let me know how everything went. Bye X This is impossible to know. No one other than himself knows.
Movingthrough Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 From a guys point of view, I think he got the "hint" that you were very much moved on when you guys talked (you moving away, didnt expect him there on your bday etc) so in his head that email was him kind of accepting that but also hoping that you would be like "no no no lets make this work!". Secretly thats what most guys want, is the girl to "wake up" and want them again. In my current situation I cant tell you how many times I have thought that to myself, how great would it be "if". Now, mine was based off the fact that she has done that before but guys like to show that they accept the fact HOPING you will come out and say NOO I want you. The fact is, if he is crying and getting all crazy like you said, the feelings are still there. So the ball is in your court in my opinion.
Author Margot Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 Incredibly, I think this means he thinks you two have the potential to reunite in the future. He seems to be alluding to you at least BEING in his life in the future in SOME capacity. He obviously does not grasp how much he's damaged things. Understanding his meaning when you're having to translate from another language makes this a bit trickier. But, I think he's trying to say "I don't know how to have a happy medium between being with you and NOT being with you"--or "having you in my life and NOT having you in my life." When he says "Or maybe I just don't want to find it" he means "or maybe I just don't want to come to the conclusion I shouldn't be with you" This is impossible to know. No one other than himself knows. Hi Cerridwen, Hope everything is okay with you. Thanks for your reply they are always very helpful. His visit broke my 5 months NC and I believe it was because he just couldn't believe how strong I was to stop myself from answering to his contacts/messages. After doing some thinking I concluded that maybe he just was passing by to see at what level I was in the moving on process. (Right I remember clearly his words when he broke up with me "Continue your life. Move on!") In his mind he believes that he still has me when he decide to come back (if he does) but even when I still think of him and love him that is not going to happen. He hasn't apologize for anything of the thigs he said and did that hurt me. Maybe those are the things that he "can't" tell me or maybe is another thing. He can't understand that I'm going to be in his life like nothing happened. I have been crying and suffering for this guy for 5 months, when he has been doing lots of things and having fun. I can't assure you that he hasn't suffer but he hasn't reflected on the things said and done at the end of our relationship. Now I have a little dilemma. His birthday is in two weeks and I don't think that I'm going to wish him happy birthday. Is not that I don't care for him but I don't think that he deserve that. I think it will make me feel bad, because he will be hanging out with the girl I think he cheated on me or at least he lied of being with. I remember myself how his lies, manipulation, betrayal had hurt me. But what do you think? BTW I will not be in my country for his birthday so that makes me more relax and not think of him so much.
Author Margot Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 From a guys point of view, I think he got the "hint" that you were very much moved on when you guys talked (you moving away, didnt expect him there on your bday etc) so in his head that email was him kind of accepting that but also hoping that you would be like "no no no lets make this work!". Secretly thats what most guys want, is the girl to "wake up" and want them again. In my current situation I cant tell you how many times I have thought that to myself, how great would it be "if". Now, mine was based off the fact that she has done that before but guys like to show that they accept the fact HOPING you will come out and say NOO I want you. The fact is, if he is crying and getting all crazy like you said, the feelings are still there. So the ball is in your court in my opinion. Hi Movingthrough, Thanks for your reply. I think that he can't believe how I had continue my life, how I manage to be in NC for 5 months, and how I haven't reply to his 100's messages. He is used to see me beg, plead, cry, and be his puppet for some time that he just can't believe how strong all this had made me. I think that he believed that he coming to my house with some gifts was going to make my cry and tell him how much I love him and miss him. Well I didn't. I was strong, indifferent, and just casual. And in his face I saw how he could believe what I have became and maybe that scared him a bit. He tried to use some cute things from the past, or comments to demonstrate me that he knows me more than anyone. I just didn't follow his game. His birthday is in 2 weeks and I think that I'm not going to wish him anything. He hasn't apologize for anything and just acts like nothing happened. But, what do you think?
cerridwen Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 Hi Margot, I hope your health is okay . I will think good thoughts for you. I was appalled that your ex showed up for your birthday. It seems like a caring, thoughtful thing but considering he hasn't APOLOGIZED or acknowledged his lies, it just reveals a selfish person underneath. I agree that he likely showed up out of curiosity and pride. A part of him finds your absolute silence a challenge. What's been most effective Margot, has been that silence. It's been deafening to him and tells him all he needs to know; that he hurt you deeply and was cruelly disrespectful. And, most importantly, it tells him you're a woman with self-respect. Since you've given him no response, he has nothing to push back against. There are no fights, yelling, name-calling, anything that he can use to justify leaving. Instead, he's just left with a void and your silence that says "you are scum." You're getting your suffering out of the way now. I have no doubt he'll suffer later (or even that it's beginning now) because he has the guilt to bear. You will have moved on by then and he will be left with a lifetime of knowing how he wronged you and how he failed you. Your silence says it all. So, for your sake, I hope you don't send a Happy Birthday message. Not only does he truly not deserve it, it will set you back and ultimately make you feel foolish. Reserve that energy to heal, physically and emotionally. Look after YOURSELF. He abandoned you but you can be there for yourself.
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