lovelylove Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Been in a relationship for almost a year, I'm 48, bf is 43. Both of us are divorced. I have four children, all grown, he has a 12 year old son who lives with him full time. We've known each other for almost a decade and love each other very much. But, there are problems... most are surmountable and overlooked/tolerated but I'm posting about a few that may be deal-breakers for me... and at this point in life moving on is so difficult, because I care about him and enjoy his company so much, and never want to "date" again, lol. The most glaring and to me the biggest problem is that he never wants to get married again. In his words "my marriage made me miserable for 25 years and because of that I will never marry again... it's not you, it's my problem." I want to marry him, he knows it, and both of us are not going to budge... The second problem is his ex-wife, or rather the way he responds to her drama and attention-seeking behaviour. She calls him and emails him almost daily, sometimes crying, complaining about her new husband (they had a huge fight this week and she wanted my bf to come over and help move her out), her relationship with their son (very bad due to her just being a very selfish and manipulative person but that's another story). I've told him more than once that it's disrespectful and inappropriate for him to be so involved in her life, her sounding board... tonight I told him I just cannot tolerate it anymore, that I am sick of him "rescuing" her and that he is being manipulated by her "poor me" behavior. I told him she should call her family, friends, pastor, counselor, whoever but stop relying on him. He was very defensive and said he "cannot just abandon her" because "she's the mother of my son and I have a responsibility to her". UGH. I got really mad and said that she has got everyone (her husband, her son, and my bf) dancing around her by acting helpless and creating drama, while I, a strong and independent woman, remain single. Another contributing issue is financial... he doesn't make as much as he spends and is now broke. He has unrealistic financial beliefs/ is a very poor planner/ makes very little money but is unmotivated/in denial about making any changes.. like going back to school, getting another job, working overtime, or getting a cheaper place, spending less etc etc etc.... his wife has full custody of their son (loooooong story) and got most of the money in their divorce, pays no child support etc but their son lives full time with him and he pays for everything... it's very odd but bf "doesn't want to rock the boat" or "cause any more problems".... and she makes significantly more than he does. I also make more than he does, about three times his salary and work several overtime shifts a month. I pay for 90% of our dates and have bought him expensive gifts... which he doesn't take for granted- I'm a giver in general and always have been, that doesn't bother me... it's just background info... my last bf also made a lot less than me and it wasn't a big deal but he was fiscally responsible, had goals, saved money, etc, and had healthy boundaries with his ex-wife. So our "fight" ended with me telling him I'm not sure I can be in a relationship where I feel like a third wheel, or a second wife. He said I was threatening him, that "I'm giving you all I have and you want more, I can never please you, you'll always want more". I'm glad to vent here, and love this website, read all the time and can predict the advice I'll get, lol, my basic problem is I don't want to be alone, love this man and wish he wanted to marry me and give up the drama and attachment to his exwife... the financial thing is also a big problem I know... but at least he sort of admits (well actually he just gets angry when he gets his paycheck and says "why don't they pay me more!!!", and his bank statement "where is my money going!!!!")... the fact is I have enough money to go around but eventually his financial issues would cause me resentment, irritation, and probably be a huge problem.... sigh... Why isn't love ever enough??? I can honestly say I love him more than I've ever loved a man, he's kind and considerate and funny, we have a blast together, share common interests and life views, are attracted to each other, the sex is great, yadayadayada BUT these "issues" are going to end it all. Sigh. xoxoxoxoxoxooxoxox Thanks for reading xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
creighton0123 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Marriage can be considered a dated, social ritual or it can be a very personal, private ritual. If you want it and he doesn't, perhaps you can compromise depending on where you're located in the US. In many states, there are laws concerning common law marriages. You may also have the option of domestic partnerships/civil unions. Be happy. You have a man who loves you and you, him. Is the word "marriage" really all that important when it comes down to the worth of the relationship you have with him? Hell, think about the large number of gay couples in this nation who are together for so long without even the option of marriage. His ex wife is also a part of his life. They share a young child together. Is his attention to her something you can look over? Until their child is older, they both share an active role in each other's lives... You've been dating this man for a year.. You're not single :-P The financial irresponsibility is some major flag behavior. That can drag you down significantly. I would say this: Love is ALWAYS enough, but it sounds to me that your boyfriend may not truly understand that love involves self-giving and sacrifice on both parts. Hell, when push comes to shove you may not want to get married given that he is financially irresponsible. At this point, he does not sound like a man you want to share everything with...
Author lovelylove Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 Thank You creighton0123! Over the last few weeks I have come to those very conclusions you suggested. I have accepted the ex problems, and his reluctance to marry... But his financial "attitude" is something that has gotten to be a more glaring issue in my eyes, scary actually. Now I'm in the dreaded doldrums of the relationship, wondering how and when to end it (I'm selfish, the sex and companionship are good lol)... because I can't plan anything with him like trips, or even dates, because of his awful financial condition. The most frustrating thing is he won't do anything to fix it but complains he doesn't have money, ugh. Another red flag is that his living space has become soooo cluttered beyond belief, I don't know how he can stand it. I've offered to help clean up (gently), a few times, but he just seems okay to step around the mess. I think he has the idea he's going to move in with me after my daughter leaves this year and let me take over the role of "parenting" him, ugh. My last boyfriend was like this, he still lived at home with his parents at 35. His mom cooked him dinner and did his laundry. Why am I attracted and then repulsed by men like this? I have some serious issues that need fixing, sigh. My problem, obviously, is ME. I've resolved to work on it this year xoxoxoxo Thanks for your time xoxoxoxoxo
creighton0123 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Actually, his financial problems in combination with your new description of his living situation may indicate a much, MUCH more serious condition: He reads as though he could possibly be diagnosed as a level IV hoarder. I know a bit about this as I had to bring in a professional organizer myself not so long ago as a level II hoarder. All hoarding behavior has a stem. Many are from childhood with hoarding parents. Some are from personal difficulties in work and/or life (marriage difficulties are a perfect example). You may see it as financial irresponsibility or laziness, but for a place to become cluttered beyond belief, even if only by soda cans, pizza boxes, clothing, etc. show signs of hoarding. Perhaps you should take some pictures of it when it bothers you, show it to him when he's in a brighter mood, and offer to bring in a professional organizer who specializes in hoarding to help out.
smilesalot1 Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Been in a relationship for almost a year, I'm 48, bf is 43. Both of us are divorced. I have four children, all grown, he has a 12 year old son who lives with him full time. We've known each other for almost a decade and love each other very much. But, there are problems... most are surmountable and overlooked/tolerated but I'm posting about a few that may be deal-breakers for me... and at this point in life moving on is so difficult, because I care about him and enjoy his company so much, and never want to "date" again, lol. The most glaring and to me the biggest problem is that he never wants to get married again. In his words "my marriage made me miserable for 25 years and because of that I will never marry again... it's not you, it's my problem." I want to marry him, he knows it, and both of us are not going to budge... The second problem is his ex-wife, or rather the way he responds to her drama and attention-seeking behaviour. She calls him and emails him almost daily, sometimes crying, complaining about her new husband (they had a huge fight this week and she wanted my bf to come over and help move her out), her relationship with their son (very bad due to her just being a very selfish and manipulative person but that's another story). I've told him more than once that it's disrespectful and inappropriate for him to be so involved in her life, her sounding board... tonight I told him I just cannot tolerate it anymore, that I am sick of him "rescuing" her and that he is being manipulated by her "poor me" behavior. I told him she should call her family, friends, pastor, counselor, whoever but stop relying on him. He was very defensive and said he "cannot just abandon her" because "she's the mother of my son and I have a responsibility to her". UGH. I got really mad and said that she has got everyone (her husband, her son, and my bf) dancing around her by acting helpless and creating drama, while I, a strong and independent woman, remain single. Another contributing issue is financial... he doesn't make as much as he spends and is now broke. He has unrealistic financial beliefs/ is a very poor planner/ makes very little money but is unmotivated/in denial about making any changes.. like going back to school, getting another job, working overtime, or getting a cheaper place, spending less etc etc etc.... his wife has full custody of their son (loooooong story) and got most of the money in their divorce, pays no child support etc but their son lives full time with him and he pays for everything... it's very odd but bf "doesn't want to rock the boat" or "cause any more problems".... and she makes significantly more than he does. I also make more than he does, about three times his salary and work several overtime shifts a month. I pay for 90% of our dates and have bought him expensive gifts... which he doesn't take for granted- I'm a giver in general and always have been, that doesn't bother me... it's just background info... my last bf also made a lot less than me and it wasn't a big deal but he was fiscally responsible, had goals, saved money, etc, and had healthy boundaries with his ex-wife. So our "fight" ended with me telling him I'm not sure I can be in a relationship where I feel like a third wheel, or a second wife. He said I was threatening him, that "I'm giving you all I have and you want more, I can never please you, you'll always want more". I'm glad to vent here, and love this website, read all the time and can predict the advice I'll get, lol, my basic problem is I don't want to be alone, love this man and wish he wanted to marry me and give up the drama and attachment to his exwife... the financial thing is also a big problem I know... but at least he sort of admits (well actually he just gets angry when he gets his paycheck and says "why don't they pay me more!!!", and his bank statement "where is my money going!!!!")... the fact is I have enough money to go around but eventually his financial issues would cause me resentment, irritation, and probably be a huge problem.... sigh... Why isn't love ever enough??? I can honestly say I love him more than I've ever loved a man, he's kind and considerate and funny, we have a blast together, share common interests and life views, are attracted to each other, the sex is great, yadayadayada BUT these "issues" are going to end it all. Sigh. xoxoxoxoxoxooxoxox Thanks for reading xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Dear God I came here to write a post and you just wrote it for me. Any chance we are dating the same man??? I have it all... the committment phobia, the non-trusting attitude, the complete devotion of being her personal punching bag and all in the name sake of being his children's mother. Mind you my son has a Father, but I don't think he gets special treament because he was a sperm donor. My man doesn't want marriage either because of a long married that failed due to betrayal. Why does he owe this woman something? Bet your's doesn't have a life insurance policy naming her as the benificiary. What is up with us? Mind you that I said US... you and me. We obviously love beyond what should be required, but what do we get in return? Yea, we have a blast too and our Sex takes on a different meaning of Great, but should we base our futures on these things? I need so much more and I wonder if I am fearful of being alone. Right now I am a 40 year old single mother that lost her job but makes it due to having planned properly. I'm scared right now I wouldn't have anything to bring to the table in a new relationship. Believe me when I say this... I'D MUCH PREFER MY MAN TO NOT HAVE MONEY, HAVE HIS CHILDREN (so they could be raised properly) AND NOT PAY CHILD SUPPORT OF NEARLY 1/2 OF HIS INCOME (she screwed him in court) than to do like mine does... appreciate he's broke and not obligated. My BF X ask for much more than child support and generally gets it. I am thinking seriously about leaving and starting a new with myself. I am miserable and the time this consumes my mind is taking away from my life. I don't want to be like this when I am 50. Please stay in contact with me... you found someone who understands.
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