I'm seeing the man who left me six years ago

[Ludmila]

Hi guys,

 

I love your forum, and thought it might be the best place to get help on this issue. Or not help, necessarily, but maybe some reassurance? I don't know quite what I am hoping for.

 

Anyway here goes.

I met a married man ten years ago. We fell deeply in love and had an affair for four years, and I had a child with him. I am not proud of this, he was my first partner and I was very naive but also acted wrongly.

Once it all came to light, he left his wife and also left me and our child. He started seeing someone else and they married very quickly.

I think he was traumatised (as was everyone else) by the awful events, and just wanted to run away.

Recently we met by chance in the street and started to talk. He came to my house, I am still single though have had another child in the interim, (with a man I had a brief fling with) and am happy on my own. I have also had a lot of therapy and changed a lot.

He is still pretty screwed up on the relationships front, and would never have therapy - but I do still love him, he was the man I loved above all others and our bond runs deep.

He came to see me in the night about six weeks ago, and I was freaked out, but we made love. We have met several times since then and the intimacy continues. He has also set up a formal arrangement whereby he comes to see his son, this was at his new wife's suggestion. She does not know about our relationship.

Writing this down it seems so very sordid and awful, but the reality of it feels automatic and natural and loving - however I understand it is very wrong.

This despite the fact his wife started seeing him knowing we were still together and had a young child...it is as though he truly 'belongs' to no one. I suspect he has a strange attachment thing going on, from boarding school at an early age - he has a 'school' life and a 'home' life and cannot feel safe and happy without both. Maybe? I don't know.

 

I feel lucky to have him back in my life - not because he is some paragon of virtue, but because the years when I thought he hated me were hell. Now I feel forgiven, and also I don't have that many people in my life that I get on with so well. It feels too important and precious to give up - whether or not we make love. I just want him around.

 

I don't know what we are doing, or why, and he has said there are issues within the new marriage but tbh this is expected. I do not think he would want to choose me over her. I don't expect it - I'd be fairly happy to carry on as we are, but for the guilt of deceiving her.

I have refused to go and meet her, as he wanted me to - he comes here to see our son.

I suppose I am looking for some insight into what this is all about, where to go from here - I suspect he is passive aggressive and this is his way of being angry at his wife, because he is so non violent, peaceful, and never gets into an argument. He also drinks far too much.

 

It's as thugh there is a dissonance between what 'feels' right and what I know is wrong.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

 

Thanks for reading this.

[hoping2heal]

Anyone who has a deep bond with you would never run away from you and abandon you, much less their child.

 

You may feel like you have a deep bond, but again - you would not have been abandoned by him. I'm a little confused as to why you were ever worried/thinking he hated you - when he was the one who got you pregnant and dropped the ball on you?

 

I just don't get it. How or why can you want something with someone who did that to you? What is the appeal? I'm not saying you have to hate his guts and curse the day he was born, what the hell the attraction is, has been totally lost on me.

[Woman In Blue]

Once it all came to light, he left his wife and also left me and our child. He started seeing someone else and they married very quickly. I think he was traumatised (as was everyone else) by the awful events, and just wanted to run away.

And run away the little weasel DID. Leaving everyone ELSE to pick up the pieces. What a prince amongst men. How about you stop making excuses for this miserable example of a so-called man and accept the fact that he's a worthless jerk who thinks NOTHING of constantly cheating on whatever wife he's GOT at the moment, deserting his own flesh and blood, and using people to serve his own selfish needs then throwing them out when he's DONE with them? The very LAST thing you do with a toxic person like this is let him creep into your house in the dark of night so he can get laid without his wife knowing. Where's your dignity?

 

I have also had a lot of therapy and changed a lot.

Obviously not enough, because you're still allowing yourself to be degraded and used by a loser.

 

...but I do still love him, he was the man I loved above all others and our bond runs deep.

Sorry, but are you delusional? If your "bond" ran so deep, this jerk wouldn't have dumped you AND his kid like yesterday's garbage and run off to marry a stranger. Him sneaking around on his latest wife to have SEX with you hardly makes it a 'bond.'

 

This despite the fact his wife started seeing him knowing we were still together and had a young child...it is as though he truly 'belongs' to no one. I suspect he has a strange attachment thing going on, from boarding school at an early age - he has a 'school' life and a 'home' life and cannot feel safe and happy without both. Maybe? I don't know.

STOP making excuses for this guy's crappy behavior!

 

I feel lucky to have him back in my life - not because he is some paragon of virtue, but because the years when I thought he hated me were hell. Now I feel forgiven, and also I don't have that many people in my life that I get on with so well. It feels too important and precious to give up - whether or not we make love. I just want him around.

Please change therapists. Whoever you're seeing obviously hasn't been successful at making you see your true self worth. If you DID know your own self worth, you wouldn't be giving this jerk the time of DAY, much less being GRATEFUL for his slimey presence in your life once again.

 

 

I do not think he would want to choose me over her. I don't expect it - I'd be fairly happy to carry on as we are, but for the guilt of deceiving her.

And just think how lucky you'd be if he did 'choose' you. Then it would be YOU sitting at home every night, constantly wondering what he's up to because the guy has the morals of a stray dog. Wouldn't that be fun?

 

I suspect he is passive aggressive and this is his way of being angry at his wife, because he is so non violent, peaceful, and never gets into an argument. He also drinks far too much.

Wow - even more excuses as to why he acts like the loser he is. Big surprise - he's a drunk on top of everything else.

 

All I can say is that I hope you find your pride and integrity soon, because there's not ONE positive thing that can be said for letting this jerk use you for sex. Call it a 'bond' all you want, if that helps you sleep at night. But you're only deluding yourself.

[Ludmila]

Thankyou for replying to my post.

 

I understand what you are saying. From an objective point of view it does look terrible.

 

What I don't understand is why I am so happy. I can't explain it.

 

Why does someone who behaves in a morally reprehensible way make me feel as though I am the luckiest woman in the world?

 

Obviously there is something wrong with me. But I wish I knew the answer, because when he wasn't here I was miserable, and when he came back, I was happy again.

 

I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to be with someone moral and good and all the stuff I should want, when this man makes me feel like I don't need anyone else. I don't even need him to be here very often.

 

I just carry the thought of him in my head wherever I go and I feel stronger and fulfilled because of it.

 

It is pretty delusional I guess but I don't have a history of psychosis or personality disorder...just depression and anxiety.

 

Hoping2heal, I felt guilty because I had allowed the pregnancy to happen (though it took both of us) and refused to terminate it. I thought he hated me for this.

 

I just don't know what is wrong with me - I've dated a few other guys and nobody has come close to making me feel this way. He is screwed up but his intentions seem good, he is kind, loving, sweet.

He seems to have no real awareness of why what he does is wrong...he knows it is but can't seem to help it.

 

I'm not trying to make excuses as such, just to explain it how I see it. Nothing excuses his (or my) behaviour but certain things help to explain it perhaps.

 

If you feel I am wasting your time I am sorry. I'm just so confused.

[greengoddess]

Ludmila, think about your child. You have brought his father back into his life. This is really great for him. By the way, nail this guy with back child support. Anyhow, think about your child. His wife wants that child in his life. It is nice your child will have more family. Do you want to screw that up? You are screwing with your childs life here. If his wife catches on she is going to forbid him to see his kid or even worse for you they will band together and go for custody of your kid.

 

Please end the relationship for your childs sake. Please. Don't mess this up for your kid. You will forever regret it when all is found out and it will be.

[bentnotbroken]

The issue is most definitely with you. Who would introduce this person into the lives of two innocent children? For what purpose? Being a good upstanding father figure? Maybe showing them how to be a mature adult? A booty call isn't enough to base a real relationship on is it? If this type of man is what makes you happy...maybe counseling would be in order again.

[woinlove]

I agree with GG - please try hard to think of what your child needs. I know it can be difficult to put your own current interests aside for your child, but your child needs you as a mother for quite a few years still, whereas there really is no long term potential for your affair with a man who has cheated on both of his wives and who has abandoned his child and those who love him before.

 

The wife probably wants to meet you, after encouraging her husband to reconnect with his child. You have a tremendous opportunity here to have the father involved with his child and supported by his wife. He likely already has to make excuses of why she has not been able to meet you yet, and she will get suspicious if she isn't already. Then this will likely all blow up, the father will again disappear and you will look like someone who put some temporary pleasure ahead of the interests of your children. Please don't be that person. Being a mother is a wonderful gift; please don't take it for granted.

[Ludmila]

You guys are right.

 

thankyou for putting it across so well and so gently. I appreciate it.

 

I had been thinking around what would happen if it was found out. I don't think he actually has thought it through...he seems to feel his marriage is in trouble as it is, and I wonder if he is looking for a way out - you know, the 'open door' affair thing?

 

I have trouble believing he would really want to come and live with us, though. I think he is just kind of in denial about loads of things and does whatever seems easiest at the time.

 

Thankyou - I will talk to him about what he actually wants to happen, and how we can make sure nothing goes wrong and our son doesn't get hurt.

 

Thanks again.

[woinlove]

You guys are right.

 

thankyou for putting it across so well and so gently. I appreciate it.

 

I had been thinking around what would happen if it was found out. I don't think he actually has thought it through...he seems to feel his marriage is in trouble as it is, and I wonder if he is looking for a way out - you know, the 'open door' affair thing?

 

I have trouble believing he would really want to come and live with us, though. I think he is just kind of in denial about loads of things and does whatever seems easiest at the time.

 

Thankyou - I will talk to him about what he actually wants to happen, and how we can make sure nothing goes wrong and our son doesn't get hurt.

 

Thanks again.

 

It is always a good idea to talk about what each other wants, and in this case in particular since he is the child's father. Just keep in mind that he has not been a model of honesty and reliability in general and even if he knows what he wants (and that is a big if - a lot of people getting involved in messy situations don't actually know what they want), but even if he does know what he wants, he may not truthfully state it.

 

I can't help feeling that if there is going to be a responsible adult in this situation that it will have to be you. Although obviously it would be so much better if the father proves me wrong and there are 2 responsible adults. In any case, good luck and make sure you don't get carried away with his words when his actions say something different.

[whichwayisup]

You say you did therapy and you changed. How come you chose, so quickly might I add, to let this guy back into your life? Something feels very off here..

[Ludmila]

thankyou Wo, you're very kind...whichwayisup, I'm not sure what you mean by 'something feels off' - perhaps you could elaborate?

 

I guess you mean that I say I have changed but I'm still dating a married man with all the issues this entails - fair point.

 

I think what's changed is my attitude - I'm not seeking something to fill a missing part of me. I can, in a sense, take him or leave him - whereas the first time round, I could not walk away.

 

This time he doesn't seem so relevant. Sorry if this wasn't clear from my posts - I feel less likely to be damaged by the relationship as it stands. That doesn't make it right and certainly doesn't make it wise, for my child especially.

 

We did touch on this today when we spoke and I hope we will get somewhere next time we meet to discuss things.

 

I agree I still need more therapy.

Edited December 14, 2010 by Ludmila
spelling

[Carrot2000]

I think what's changed is my attitude - I'm not seeking something to fill a missing part of me. I can, in a sense, take him or leave him - whereas the first time round, I could not walk away.

 

 

You're contradicting yourself, Ludmila. First you say you feel lucky to have him in your life and that you just want him around. Now you say you can take or leave him. Which is it?

 

You are undoing six years of healing and therapy to resume a relationship with someone who has shown you he is quite capable of dropping you and his child when things get tough.

 

Deep down, I suspect that you are hoping that this time, he will choose you.

 

If you really can "take him or leave him", you need to leave him. You are setting yourself up for more heartache.

[Ludmila]

Sorry, it does sound like a contradiction.

 

What I mean is I am glad to have him in my life, I feel happy when he is around, but I don't spend the entire time when he isn't just moping around and pining for him.

 

And regarding the sexual element of it, yes it is lovely when it happens but if he said tomorrow, I'm sorry, I can't do this - it wouldn't be a surprise and I could cope with it, instead of being devastated like I would have been years ago.

 

I used to depend on him massively and now I feel separate to him, if that makes sense...I know I can survive without him. I sense that our son feels the same, it's great to have his dad around but he is kind of a bit irrelevant in a way. We are used to our lives without him.

 

Hope this clarifies a bit, sorry for any confusion. Anyway, I think I need to sort this out in real life now you have pointed me in the right direction.

 

many thanks once again.

[Ludmila]

Just seen where I wrote 'I was miserable without him'. I think until he came back, I carried the guilt and upset from the break up. So I was rebuilding my life but sporadically unhappy when I thought about him.

 

now that appears to have been resolved and knowing I'm not to blame for it all is a release...I think that's actually why I was so keen to be with him again, it meant I could stop feeling blamed and guilty if he wanted me again.

 

So I am happier in that way. The rest of it is sort of extra - I have the closure I needed.

[bentnotbroken]

You're contradicting yourself, Ludmila. First you say you feel lucky to have him in your life and that you just want him around. Now you say you can take or leave him. Which is it?

 

You are undoing six years of healing and therapy to resume a relationship with someone who has shown you he is quite capable of dropping you and his child when things get tough.

 

Deep down, I suspect that you are hoping that this time, he will choose you.

 

If you really can "take him or leave him", you need to leave him. You are setting yourself up for more heartache.

 

 

And subsequent post only add to the contradiction.

[whichwayisup]

thankyou Wo, you're very kind...whichwayisup, I'm not sure what you mean by 'something feels off' - perhaps you could elaborate?

 

I guess you mean that I say I have changed but I'm still dating a married man with all the issues this entails - fair point.

 

I think what's changed is my attitude - I'm not seeking something to fill a missing part of me. I can, in a sense, take him or leave him - whereas the first time round, I could not walk away.

 

This time he doesn't seem so relevant. Sorry if this wasn't clear from my posts - I feel less likely to be damaged by the relationship as it stands. That doesn't make it right and certainly doesn't make it wise, for my child especially.

 

We did touch on this today when we spoke and I hope we will get somewhere next time we meet to discuss things.

 

I agree I still need more therapy.

 

Why put your kid through this knowing full well there's a really good chance this guy is going to up and leave again..Hurt your son and you as well.

 

Please, go back to therapy and keep this guy away and out of your life. HE isn't available and he hasn't changed. Your love is still there for him and sure right now you feel like you can handle it and not get attached, but your son cannot! Kids get attached. And eventually so will you.

 

I just see alot of pain coming your way and right now you need to think about the effect this will have on your child.

[phillyfan]

Girl, take this from a guy who knows - this dude, he is a skank azz, he is a playa, he lies he cheats, he turns up in the nite to have sex wit u, he is a boozehound. There is no shame is admittin that u love him, u want him around, weve all been there, had our heart broken ova a skank azz playa/hoe/whateva. Happens to us all dont feel bad for feelin it.

 

But listen, that stuff hes done 2 u, that shudnt happen to you, eva. A guy, if he is the right one, will love n protect u, always be there. And he will feel like the luckiest dam man on this planet to have his boy n he will take dam good care of him, too. Period.

 

So its time to call time of this joker. He gave u a beautiful boy, thats the only happyness ull eva get from him. Go start life ova, tomorrow is anotha day, theres a good guy out there somewhere.

[KraftDinner]

I find it ASTOUNDING how low some women's standards are. WOW.

 

Hey, I just went out into the alley and found a bag of garbage that would make a better boyfriend/partner than this guy.

[fooled once]

And run away the little weasel DID. Leaving everyone ELSE to pick up the pieces. What a prince amongst men. How about you stop making excuses for this miserable example of a so-called man and accept the fact that he's a worthless jerk who thinks NOTHING of constantly cheating on whatever wife he's GOT at the moment, deserting his own flesh and blood, and using people to serve his own selfish needs then throwing them out when he's DONE with them? The very LAST thing you do with a toxic person like this is let him creep into your house in the dark of night so he can get laid without his wife knowing. Where's your dignity?

 

 

Obviously not enough, because you're still allowing yourself to be degraded and used by a loser.

 

 

Sorry, but are you delusional? If your "bond" ran so deep, this jerk wouldn't have dumped you AND his kid like yesterday's garbage and run off to marry a stranger. Him sneaking around on his latest wife to have SEX with you hardly makes it a 'bond.'

 

 

STOP making excuses for this guy's crappy behavior!

 

 

Please change therapists. Whoever you're seeing obviously hasn't been successful at making you see your true self worth. If you DID know your own self worth, you wouldn't be giving this jerk the time of DAY, much less being GRATEFUL for his slimey presence in your life once again.

 

 

 

And just think how lucky you'd be if he did 'choose' you. Then it would be YOU sitting at home every night, constantly wondering what he's up to because the guy has the morals of a stray dog. Wouldn't that be fun?

 

 

Wow - even more excuses as to why he acts like the loser he is. Big surprise - he's a drunk on top of everything else.

 

All I can say is that I hope you find your pride and integrity soon, because there's not ONE positive thing that can be said for letting this jerk use you for sex. Call it a 'bond' all you want, if that helps you sleep at night. But you're only deluding yourself.

 

DITTO

 

You say you did therapy and you changed. How come you chose, so quickly might I add, to let this guy back into your life? Something feels very off here..

 

So you have 2 kids by 2 different guys you had 'flings' with. Is the father of the other child around? Is either man paying support? And the MM - you do know he can go to court and get visitation at HIS and his WIFE's house, right? Piss her off, and she will make your life hell.

 

I am also astounded at how little you seemingly respect yourself. Your child deserves better than a mother who thinks she is "dating" a married man. You aren't. He isn't your boyfriend. He is married to another woman - a woman he willingly married - a woman he chose to marry.

 

Quite frankly, I am stunned you allowed him to come into your home in the middle of the night to service you. Are you using protection? Does his wife deserve the potential STD she could get from you from him?

 

What a sad, sad story

[hoping2heal]

Thankyou for replying to my post.

 

I understand what you are saying. From

an objective point of view it does look terrible.

 

What I don't understand is why I am so happy. I can't explain it.

Why does someone who behaves in a morally reprehensible way make me feel as though I am the luckiest woman in the world?

 

Obviously there is something wrong with me. But I wish I knew the answer, because when he wasn't here I was miserable, and when he came back, I was happy again.

 

I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to be with someone moral and good and all the stuff I should want, when this man makes me feel like I don't need anyone else. I don't even need him to be here very often.

 

I just carry the thought of him in my head wherever I go and I feel stronger and fulfilled because of it.

 

It is pretty delusional I guess but I don't have a history of psychosis or personality disorder...just depression and anxiety.

 

Hoping2heal, I felt guilty because I had allowed the pregnancy to happen (though it took both of us) and refused to terminate it. I thought he hated me for this.

 

I just don't know what is wrong with me - I've dated a few other guys and nobody has come close to making me feel this way. He is screwed up but his intentions seem good, he is kind, loving, sweet.

He seems to have no real awareness of why what he does is wrong...he knows it is but can't seem to help it.

 

I'm not trying to make excuses as such, just to explain it how I see it. Nothing excuses his (or my) behaviour but certain things help to explain it perhaps.

 

If you feel I am wasting your time I am sorry. I'm just so confused.

 

OP, you mentioned that you felt a bond with him that you have felt with no other man. The fact that you can say this about the man makes me wonder what kind of men you have been exposed to in your past. The first time I fell in love I was young and naive and I too felt like I was the happiest girl in the world. In a sense I was - I had no one to compare this man too and I had never had the great relationship with my own dad. He was in our lives but we still were not all that close.

 

After a few months the cracks began to show but instead of ending the relationship I held on all that much more. He would often lose his temper and take it out on me, he lied to me a lot too. Having someone pay me some attention was the world to me though. Having grown up quite a bit and having some experience and perspective all I can say is O-M-G. Anyone can have feelings. Women in abusive relationships still have feelings for their abuser. Is there something in your past or some reason why you would be okay with someone treating you the way he does and still feel "happy" about it?

 

What were the other relationships like? Did you feel attraction and passion? Did you share intimacy? (I do not mean sexually)

 

Secondly, OP be VERY weary of anyone who makes mistakes and tells you they don't know why. Because at some point those mistakes will hurt you and all you will get back in your face is a "Well, I just don't know why I did it." That is not the words of a mature grown man.

 

Also, I'd like to hear more about the "sweet and kind" actions he has done for you.

Edited December 17, 2010 by hoping2heal