roza Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Long time lurker here, in desperate need of an outsiders perspective. Please tell me your honest opinion, I really need it. I am very confused at the moment and have no idea what to do. Thank you in advance for reading my post. I will try to keep this clear, please bare with me and share your thoughts. To start with, I haven't been very lucky with men in my life. Had only about 3 long term realationships (I am 30). Every time, I knew my partner well before starting a relationship and getting intimate. Was not in love with any of them. I stayed in a relationship for 5 years because of pressure from parents. Due to new job, about 2 years ago I moved to a new place where I had absolutely zero friends or family. I was happy, but very lonely, and due to cultural differences here, I didn't really feel like going out and meeting new people. Anyway, one day, I meet this cute friendly guy at work (same building, but completely different employers). My first thought about him: he's cute, but that's it. Next time when I see him I take a better look at him and say to myself, he is such a nice man, but no, I don't think I could be with him. And this goes on for about 6 months. We see each other, we talk. I really appreciate that he is not being desperate. I think he likes me, but at the same time, I wonder, does he? He flirts with me, but then doesn't ask me out. When I don't see him, I do not think about him. But when he shows up, I am thinking about how much I missed him! So yes, 6 months. And one day, it happens. In a very calm and friendly way, he invites me over to his place to make pizza together, or do something (yeah, I know). The thing is, I have already known him and kind of considered him as friend. Anyway. There I am, honestly, absolutely convinced that he does not want anything from me. So, I go home, and talk to my mom on the phone. I tell her, I don't have time, because I am going to see a friend. I explain to her that he is just very lonely, and I am not very attracted to him, so it is not like that. Plus, if he wanted to ask me out, he would have asked me out on a real date, so I am not even having a real date here. Anyway, cut the story short: I go to his place, we talk and laugh, and drink, and drink alot (yeah, I know). And suddenly we have sex. Just to make it clear once again, I was absolutely not planning on this. I was not dressed up, my hair wasn't done, I was wearing zero makeup. I would have made myself look a lot better, had I gone to see a girlfriend... But anyway, it happened. The next morning was a bit awkward, and I left home. I am thinking: I had sex! But how did this happen? I need to call my friend and tell her that I probably just had my a night stand. I think about the sex, it turns me on, but I think about him, and I am like, ew, how could I have had sex with him? Yes, these were my true thoughts. On the same day he texts me and I text back. In my head, this thing of ours is over at the moment when I send my message. But no. A few days later, he calls me. Keeps calling and leaving messages for 2-3 days, until I feel so sorry for him, and call him back. This i how it happened. Finally I decide, well, I could have sex with him again. Why not? Because it was good. Yes, I will do that again, and that's it. So we meet up again, we talk, and laugh, he kisses me and we have sex again. Still doing it. Has been about another 6 months. Sadly, I do realize the relationship we have is not a proper relationship. We have sex, either at his place or mine, sleep over and cuddle, and talk, but that's all we do. I do not know if it is a FWB, because I have never had one of those. Is this a FWB? We have never discussed if we are in a relationship, or not. I know he is not seeing anyone else. I know everything about his family, even some pretty hard stuff. I am so in love with him right now (yes, that is somehing that happened in the meantime as well), but I am afraid he just uses me for sex and has no feelings for me. The feelings I have for him is something I have never felt. I admire his personality, and I am very attracted to him. It took me some time to realize that he truly amazing. But we have never been on a proper date, in fact, the only occasion when we are seen together in public is when we do grocery shopping. Not that I do want to go on dates, it is not that. I feel like because we had sex so early, maybe sex is all he wants from me. Sometimes I think he loves me and respects me, but sometimes I think, I am being used here. But then again, he treats me so nice, and is a true gentleman. He had said once in half-joking way that he will marry me and we will have a lot of kids. Then he tried to have a serious conversation with me about children, but I laughed it off and said I was not in mood to talk. He also told me he loved me, but I don't know if he was serious. Etc,etc. So what do you think? Please understand, I have never been in a situation like this before. All my boyfriends were family friends before we started dating. I come from a relatively strict family. I did not have sex until I was 22 yrs old. Honestly, I am not prude or anything, I am not prude at all, in fact, I enjoy having sex. I do not at all feel bad about having slept with him on our first date, but I am afraid that it is a deal breaker and it determines the future of our relationship. But I do think alot about this, and wonder if it possible for a man to fall in love after having sex on 1st date. Please share your thoughts.
musemaj11 Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Werent you the one who used him for sex in the beginning? Why now suddenly you are the 'victim'? Only women can be the real offenders but make it sound like they are victims at the same time.
carhill Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 OP, welcome What is your culture? Cultural norms go a long way towards defining relationship parameters. What's 'normal' for me could be 'alien' to you and vice-versa, as an example. Why don't you talk with him about your 'relationship status'? Part of any healthy relationship type is honest and open communication. Regarding 'love', watch how he treats the other people in his life he says he loves. See any similarities? Actions don't lie. Sometimes things are what they are. Clarify whether this is healthy or not for you and then proceed from that information. He can make his own decisions. Good luck
Author roza Posted December 14, 2010 Author Posted December 14, 2010 Werent you the one who used him for sex in the beginning? Why now suddenly you are the 'victim'? Only women can be the real offenders but make it sound like they are victims at the same time. I see your point, but I have never said I feel like victim. I do not feel like victim, even when I wonder if he's using me for sex, no, I do not think about myself as a victim. I just wonder if it is a dealbreaker for most men if you have sex too early.
carhill Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 *Some* men discount relationship potential with women they are able to have early and easy sex with. Emphasis on *some*. Look at the totality of your interactions and how you described them here for more guidance regarding your particulars. You want to 'go out on a date'? Ask him out
musemaj11 Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 I see your point, but I have never said I feel like victim. I do not feel like victim, even when I wonder if he's using me for sex, no, I do not think about myself as a victim. I just wonder if it is a dealbreaker for most men if you have sex too early. I apologize if my assumption was wrong. Your wording and tone made it sound like you are trying to sound as if you were being used for sex when obviously you are the user who falls for the used.
aerogurl87 Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 If you want to know if your in a relationship or just FWB, your best bet is to just plainly ask him what it is you two have. Because honestly if he's talking children with you and saying he loves you, then that doesn't sound like a FWB situation to me.
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