nineyearsgone79 Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Hey Guys.. I was just sitting around tonight and had a bit of an old urge to contact the ex. I won't.. I know I can't.. he told me never to contact him after he broke up with me Aug 2009 through an email after 9 years together. We were very happy for many years but were long distance and then one day he ended it in a cold email. I of course wrote back despite him asking me to not write him in the letter. I wrote him for months until he finally wrote back the day before Thanksgiving. He gave me the list of reasons.. the main being that he felt i was to emotional .. and he said my emails to him after the breakup only cemented the fact that i was to emotional. I just was really shocked and sad though that he ended things in the way he did so coldly.. i was so lost and confused. Anyway... today i am doing so much better. I am in a new happy relationship and feel a lot happier in general. I was overworking myself back then and that is the reason for why i was so depressed and emotional at times. I know the idea to write him is pointless but sometimes i just miss talking to him and sharing the things we shared. He sadly has become a complete stranger to me.. not another email, never a phone call, nothing... I just wonder what was wrong with him that he could flush our entire relationship and friendship. I don't want to enter into that relationship again.. as the distance became quite trying at times. However, I do miss that friendship greatly. Do people ever come around .. and wake up regretting what they did to the dumpees or do they just keep on moving. I just sometimes look back and feel like those 9 years were wasted.. i guess if i saw him on the street he'd hide.. he certainly did in his email/phone picking up. :/.. i think the holidays just bring back a few memories.. it's sad.
Sonolumino Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Good for you not contacting. It's hard. Harder in the holidays for sure. I'm sorry for your pain. I do not think they ever remember us. I think, at least in my case, that I will be remembered as that insane ex-boyfriend, or not at all. I hope to forget her too, but to take this lesson with me. You should probably do the same.
Author nineyearsgone79 Posted December 14, 2010 Author Posted December 14, 2010 Well before him I only had one other boyfriend and we dated 1 month.. he had one as well and they dated about 4 months. We were both 21 when we met and it ended when we were 30 and were each others first everything.. so it's kinda tough to compare. I guess I just find it weird that he was able to make this decision that he would never ever want to talk to me again.. I mean how do you go from being invited to his sisters wedding a week before to "i'm writing you to never hear from you again." I know he leaped into a new relationship with his sister in law.. literally days later hanging out going to the special restaurants he had taken me to. It's as if I never existed to him. Yeah I feel good for having the control back and not writing him. I'm so thankful for this site.. as soon as i did have a mini urge I came here first. Sometimes though those memories that this person that I loved so much dropped off the earth in one moment creep back in and I just feel plain weirded out by the whole event.
Author nineyearsgone79 Posted December 14, 2010 Author Posted December 14, 2010 heh yah i do hope to forget him in time. The funny thing is we had always joked that my memory was far worse than his.. he always would remember every little detail. In his letter he talked about eternal sunshine of the spotless mind..and how he wouldn't want to forget the memories because he would be forgetting a piece of himself. For me though I do want to forget because it is just to hard at times to remember. Although less frequent now.. when those memories come back they are only tainted by the cowardly hurtful way he treated me in the end.
carhill Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 My takeaway is that a LDR of that length not progressing to marriage or physical cohabitation has a high probability of failure. Romantic, sexual and intimate relations are grounded on 'being together'. As a man, I can tell you that you do not 'cease to exist' in his memories. You cease to be his current intimate partner whom he invests his emotions into. My exW and I still have occasional contact and sometimes it's even pleasant. We won't 'forget' each other after a decade of marriage but we don't have a marriage anymore so we direct those parts of ourselves to other, current and future, relationships. Hope that makes sense BTW, absent my exW, nearly all the women I've known over the years ended things in ways I would find 'cold and cowardly'. It's a people thing, not a gender thing. Lastly, things like 'remembering every detail' are a function of how a person processes romance and intimacy. I'm a lot like that in romantic relationships where I'm invested emotionally. When that love dies, so does the impetus to that process. It ends. It is replaced with polite indifference. Simple as that
hoping2heal Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Hey Guys.. I was just sitting around tonight and had a bit of an old urge to contact the ex. I won't.. I know I can't.. he told me never to contact him after he broke up with me Aug 2009 through an email after 9 years together. We were very happy for many years but were long distance and then one day he ended it in a cold email. I of course wrote back despite him asking me to not write him in the letter. I wrote him for months until he finally wrote back the day before Thanksgiving. He gave me the list of reasons.. the main being that he felt i was to emotional .. and he said my emails to him after the breakup only cemented the fact that i was to emotional. I just was really shocked and sad though that he ended things in the way he did so coldly.. i was so lost and confused. Anyway... today i am doing so much better. I am in a new happy relationship and feel a lot happier in general. I was overworking myself back then and that is the reason for why i was so depressed and emotional at times. I know the idea to write him is pointless but sometimes i just miss talking to him and sharing the things we shared. He sadly has become a complete stranger to me.. not another email, never a phone call, nothing... I just wonder what was wrong with him that he could flush our entire relationship and friendship. I don't want to enter into that relationship again.. as the distance became quite trying at times. However, I do miss that friendship greatly. Do people ever come around .. and wake up regretting what they did to the dumpees or do they just keep on moving. I just sometimes look back and feel like those 9 years were wasted.. i guess if i saw him on the street he'd hide.. he certainly did in his email/phone picking up. :/.. i think the holidays just bring back a few memories.. it's sad. Unless there were never deep love feelings on either side, I never stay friends with exes. It is sad I guess? I don't know. I don't miss any of my exes. Perhaps you are just not over him.
homebrew Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 To answer your question: Of course he has not forgotten about you. Nine years is a LONG TIME... and considering how your EX communicated (or lack thereof) the desire to end things via email. I can see why you are upset / confused still. Due to this, just know that it will take you a LONG TIME (years) to get over it. Even though he was COLD AND A COMPLETE MORON on his method for breaking up with you... You at least see that you didn't help your cause at all by continuing to send him email after email when he wasn't responding. You more or less justified, confirmed to him through your actions after the breakup why he did not want to be with you. Now don't beat yourself up... We all can go "crazy" after a break up... What I have seen, in time, our EX's forgive and forget any idiot moves or behavior we committed through the breakup process (unless you ended up on Jerry Springer). He will see you, if he doesn't already, for who and what you are. Nine years together, you had to mean a great deal to him and had to be very special. I am sure that he hopes and wishes the very best for you as well. As far as the friendship thing with an EX goes.... I am not friends with my exes nor would my girlfriend / wife want me to be. I also wouldn't want my girlfriend / wife to not be friends with her exes either. I don't need / want / require anything from my exes or someone of the opposite sex for that matter, that my girlfriend / wife can't fulfill. In my mind, we have some issues. What's the point of being in a committed relationship and why am I with her if I am emotional cheating on her? That's my view on the whole thing... 1
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