session Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 my girlfriend has anxiety, her first boyfriend treated her terribly, she NEVER wants a bf, but she wants me. she wants me a lot! but she has these little fits of not wanting anything to do with a relationship. she says its just not her. like its not part of her identity to have a boyfriend, and its getting worse. but when shes not feeling that way, which is obviously the majority of the time, were amazing. things are perfect! how can she get over this? - deeper explanation below i met this girl 6 months ago. i chased her around for a month trying get her into a relationship with me. she flirted back but nothing ever came of it. several months later, were still hanging out pretty regularly. i kept myself just close enough to be friends, but not so close as to put myself into the friend zone -.- . one day the 2 of us and a few friends were hanging out and a boy she was interested in came up in conversation. she was very very iffy about him. i choked up obviously and played it off like i didnt care. shes VERY independent so this came as a surprise to me. she ended up sorta dating this kid.. so one night i gave up. i let myself just get close to her because id lost all hope for any kind of relationship with her. so of course the next night she finally responds to my 6 month old flirting. she held my hand, put her head on my chest, etc. a month has gone by and shes dropped the other kid and we are now exclusive to each other. like i said before, she is very independent, she has anxiety but doesnt take meds for it. but it seems very mild to me anyway. the only time it bothers her is when there is a big conflict going on or if she has to do some kind of public speaking. the problem here is that she has these little attacks where she hates being my girlfriend. she hates the whole thing. she hates that people know about it, she doesnt really want me expressing any affection to her, she hates the labels. other than that i have never had a more perfect relationship. we are both extremely kind, understanding, thoughtful.... its a dream come true. she cant seem to understand what it is that she feels, or where it comes from or how to stop it. she says that she just doesnt feel right. her first long term relationship was with a kid who really treated her bad and since then she hasnt been able to keep a boyfriend. im 22 and out of school, shes 19 and only in her 2nd year of college. what can she do?! what can i do?!
amagordos Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I know what it is like to have anxiety. I used to have big panic attacks back when i was in high school, now I know how to control them. Perhaps that is the biggest issue, her anxiety. Anxiety comes from insecurities and maybe you could help her by letting her know how much you love her. She has been burned, so it is natural for her to be scared. You just keep letting her know how much you care, by not only telling her but by also showing her. She could try therapy, I did and it worked very nicely. Right now she needs support more than anything.
Author session Posted December 14, 2010 Author Posted December 14, 2010 thank you! i posted this same exact post in another forum and everyone is so pessimistic and just tells me to move on. but youre advice makes sense and you know where shes coming from. when im with her, if i do get a chance to sneak in a kiss, she does seem to feel better. thanks again
waynebrady Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 my girlfriend has anxiety, her first boyfriend treated her terribly, she NEVER wants a bf, but she wants me. she wants me a lot! but she has these little fits of not wanting anything to do with a relationship. she says its just not her. like its not part of her identity to have a boyfriend, and its getting worse. but when shes not feeling that way, which is obviously the majority of the time, were amazing. things are perfect! how can she get over this? - deeper explanation below Sounds like most women.
Author session Posted December 14, 2010 Author Posted December 14, 2010 hah! really? not in my experience.
utterer of lies Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 what can she do?! what can i do?! Looks to me like she likes you, but doesn't see you as longterm partner material. She enjoys spending time with you, but would prefer it to be hidden and a secret so the association with you doesn't devalue her social standing and so she's not bound should she meet the right man.
Author session Posted December 14, 2010 Author Posted December 14, 2010 ya know, thats what i thought at first. but thats not it, she used to be like that with other guys, im the first that shes been okay with in public like this. im also the first shes admitted she DOES see as longterm material. she does get very affectionate in public with me. in fact, most of the time when shes feeling this way, we are either apart, or together but alone in a room or my car. i think shes just a very self defined person. she likes who she is and hates being mistaken for, looking like, or being compared to anybody else and its like her alone is right... her + me is not. so i feel like maybe she just needs to get used to the idea of an "us"
Hopeful30 Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Give her time. The most you can do is be there for her. I went through the exact same thing. I would meet nice guys, and liked them, but I wanted to be alone. She needs to come into herself again. The most you can do is be supportive and listen when she needs to talk things out. Other than that, don't pursue her any further. Hang out from time to time, but this is something she needs to figure out for herself. She needs time to recover. For all you know, she is using you to feel better about herself. She is surrounding herself with men who like her just so she doesn't feel so unwanted. She can only really come out of this herself, and she will. Unfortunately things like this take time, a lot of time. I'm sorry
Author session Posted December 14, 2010 Author Posted December 14, 2010 (edited) thanks hopeful. ive been waiting to hear from a girl whos been in her position. im too scared to let her go for now.. i feel like the chances of her coming back to me after and if she gets better are extremely slim. so i think my chances are better to stay this close and do all that you mentioned otherwise. being supportive, etc. i dont think shes using me because, weve been friends for so long already. she had no idea i even liked her until we started the relationship. and she was scared to start it because she didnt want to lose me. she doesnt surround herself with guys. im the 2nd in a few years that shes even thought about. the other kid lasted a week because i moved in on him lol Edited December 14, 2010 by session
BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 the other kid lasted a week because i moved in on him lol Sounds like you really won big...a bundle of insecurity that hates being with you when she feels like it.
sally4sara Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I think she equates BF to a lack of life options. When we are immature we all have these lofty ideas of the kind of life we will end up having. One of my friend's little brother seems to believe he and his band will be big rock stars one day and any other definitive choice (holding a job, having a GF, signing a lease and getting out of the parents' home) is weighed against how complicated it will end up making his rock star dream. Another, too old to be acting this way IMO friend, idealizes traveling the world with a backpack and believes that any relationship she gets into will prevent her from her travel goals. Does this girl have a similar life dream?
elaina Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I know what it is like to have anxiety. I used to have big panic attacks back when i was in high school, now I know how to control them. Perhaps that is the biggest issue, her anxiety. Anxiety comes from insecurities and maybe you could help her by letting her know how much you love her. She has been burned, so it is natural for her to be scared. You just keep letting her know how much you care, by not only telling her but by also showing her. She could try therapy, I did and it worked very nicely. Right now she needs support more than anything. Agreed It's hard for many people to heal when they've been hurt, especially emotionally. Emotional scars can be just as painful as physical wounds. Be her friend and support her though this. Don't get mad when she has a panic attack and hates being in a relationship. It doesn't have anything to do with you, I don't think. It's the pain she is dealing with from her past. I hope she heals from her past soon, but for some people, it takes years to heal and recover from what others do.
creighton0123 Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 The brain is a complex thing. You say she suffers from anxiety but isn't on medication. Even with medication, mood swings for those experiencing chronic anxiety/clinical depression can be severe. The brain is a complex thing. It sounds like she has issues to work through. You need to ask yourself whether you care for her legitimately enough to stay with her while she works through them, or if you're unable to put yourself through the swings and all the pain that comes associated with them. If her anxiety is severe and she does begin taking medication, recognize that you'll get a whole new set of symptoms that may include actions that she recognizes "is not like her". There are two parts here: 1. Her anxiety and her path to overcome it. 2. Your treatment of her. Do your best to never take advantage of her or treat her badly. You will not like the outcome.
ZM1969 Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 This girl has BPD (Bordeline Personality Disorder). Dump her and get a better one.
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