how many partners is too many? how to ask her about...

[ConflictedGuy27]

without getting into unecessary details, I'm involved with a very nice girl (a real sweetheart) & I like her. we are not at a formally exclusive level; however, I am not necessarily seeing anyone else at the moment.

 

a mutual "friend" of ours felt the need to share a bit of heresay with me last week: my girl (age 28) has been with at least 18 other partners. although I don't necessarily believe my friend (or perhaps I'd prefer not to), a part of me is somewhat agitated that I can't come up with a smooth way to learn the truth.

 

I get the fact that we all have a past, but is 18 guys by age 28 normal?

ladies, would you be offput if a guy you were seeing (unexclusively) wanted to see a clean bill of health...?

 

just wondering. thanks all.

[U1987]

 

I get the fact that we all have a past, but is 18 guys by age 28 normal?

That's 1 guy every 6 months since 18. What's wrong with that?

 

 

ladies, would you be offput if a guy you were seeing (unexclusively) wanted to see a clean bill of health...?

Most people with herpes and HPV get it from their mother (when they pass through the birth canal). Virgins can still have STDs.

[Confusedalways]

Are you intimate right now?

 

I'd definitely think it was weird/ strange/ etc if a guy I wasn't exclusive with and not intimate with was questioning my bill of health.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Are you intimate right now?

 

I'd definitely think it was weird/ strange/ etc if a guy I wasn't exclusive with and not intimate with was questioning my bill of health.

 

yup. pretty much from the get-go. which is what sorta has me thinking...

if our pace was her normal pace, then I could see the high teens being feasible.

[hoping2heal]

without getting into unecessary details, I'm involved with a very nice girl (a real sweetheart) & I like her. we are not at a formally exclusive level; however, I am not necessarily seeing anyone else at the moment.

 

a mutual "friend" of ours felt the need to share a bit of heresay with me last week: my girl (age 28) has been with at least 18 other partners. although I don't necessarily believe my friend (or perhaps I'd prefer not to), a part of me is somewhat agitated that I can't come up with a smooth way to learn the truth.

 

I get the fact that we all have a past, but is 18 guys by age 28 normal?

ladies, would you be offput if a guy you were seeing (unexclusively) wanted to see a clean bill of health...?

 

just wondering. thanks all.

 

I won't comment on the numbers thing. However, no I would never be offended by that. I wouldn't get physical with someone without seeing theirs either. I think it is perfectly understandable and reasonable to ask that and if she's been with that many then all the more so.

[ConflictedGuy27]

I won't comment on the numbers thing.

 

I don't think I will either.

matter of fact, health is the bigger issue. I think it's the numbers speculation thats making me wanna see some paperwork.

 

btw, I've never did the whole "so you're clean right...? proove it!" thing before. got married pretty young, divorced & now this. so although I'm 28, not too familiar with what the "etiquette" looks like in this regard.

[Feelin Frisky]

First, I'd be pissed off with any "friend" that told me something like that. I would even be more pissed off with myself if I actaully had a choice to know this opted to hear this rather than decline. Who needs this kind of noise in their head?

[carhill]

I get the fact that we all have a past, but is 18 guys by age 28 normal?

 

Presuming the hearsay is true, the operative question to ask is how many and the longevity of relationships she's had. If she was married for five years, then the numbers might mean different things than if she's been single all this time. Alternatively, lack of relationship history might provide clues about her psychology regarding committed monogamous relationships. Only way to know for sure is to have an honest and open conversation. Since you're sexually intimate, reasonable questions surrounding sex and relationships are appropriate. If such questions offend her, that's good information. Would you be offended if she asked you similar questions? Such dynamics go to compatibility.

 

ladies, would you be offput if a guy you were seeing (unexclusively) wanted to see a clean bill of health...?

 

Pretty normal stuff. STD tests/disclosures should be a part of any healthy sexual relationship in this day and age of STD's and more casual sexual mores and better quality tests. Ask her tomorrow. Her answer is, again, good information about compatibility. Alternatively, make your lab appointment and be proactive. Fair is fair

[ConflictedGuy27]

First, I'd be pissed off with any "friend" that told me something like that. I would even be more pissed off with myself if I actaully had a choice to know this opted to hear this rather than decline. Who needs this kind of noise in their head?

 

yah, I know. she (the friend) prides herself on knowing people's business (a gossip) therefore I keep her at arms length.

 

the disclosure was pretty casual but likely meant to get me to flinch & stir up drama. it went something like:

 

"it's great you two are hitting it off, Conflicted. I've known her for awhile and she's really calmed things down..."

 

naturally I took the bait and she eventually threw out an arbitrary figure. like a "friend" telling me to watch out. shes the jealous type.

 

again, arms length (at best) is where this one belongs.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Pretty normal stuff. STD tests/disclosures should be a part of any healthy sexual relationship in this day and age of STD's and more casual sexual mores and better quality tests. Ask her tomorrow. Her answer is, again, good information about compatibility. Alternatively, make your lab appointment and be proactive. Fair is fair

 

much appreciated. I'll invite her over & casually bring it up over a drink or something.

[Star Gazer]

Most people with herpes and HPV get it from their mother (when they pass through the birth canal).

 

Uhhh, no. That's absolutely not accurate. MOST people contract herpes and HPV via sexual contact. If a child passes through the birth canal when a mother has an active infection, it is blinded. Without an active infection, the baby does not contract the virus.

[Star Gazer]

the disclosure was pretty casual but likely meant to get me to flinch & stir up drama. it went something like:

 

"it's great you two are hitting it off, Conflicted. I've known her for awhile and she's really calmed things down..."

 

naturally I took the bait and she eventually threw out an arbitrary figure. like a "friend" telling me to watch out. shes the jealous type.

 

again, arms length (at best) is where this one belongs.

 

Oh man, this girl is clearly just trying to stir up sh*t.

[hoping2heal]

I don't think I will either.

matter of fact, health is the bigger issue. I think it's the numbers speculation thats making me wanna see some paperwork.

 

btw, I've never did the whole "so you're clean right...? proove it!" thing before. got married pretty young, divorced & now this. so although I'm 28, not too familiar with what the "etiquette" looks like in this regard.

 

LOL Well - for starters you don't have to be accusatory at all. You can just say, If we are going to get intimate I would like us both to have an std screen prior to that for our protection. I would never assume a guy asking me to get it done thinks I am a sloot. I would think he has a brain in his head.

[hoping2heal]

Oh man, this girl is clearly just trying to stir up sh*t.

 

Second this.

 

Conflicted, Gossips are like the press - they are NEVER your friend. They hang around to get a good story and then pass it around like it's hot cakes at the lumberjack table. I would not even allow this girl to be your "friend" . For all you know she got the story mixed up and the woman has had 28 cats in her lifetime.

[carhill]

Oh, OP, if you have a 'relationship' talk, DO NOT bring up the hearsay. Ask open-ended questions to gauge her sincere perspective. Let her reveal herself. IMO, such 'number' disclosures should only be accepted from the person who actually formed the numbers. If she gives you information in conflict with the hearsay, DO NOT react to that. You're gathering information about compatibility. It's not a cross-examination.

 

TBH, I tend to discount people who talk about other's sexual and/or intimate lives openly. YMMV...

[JustJoe]

Dude, first off your " friend", isn't one. This kind of lowlife crap is high school stuff. You and her are 28 right? So start acting like it, and ignore all of this immature sh*t about past partners. If you want to know her sexual past, then you have to tell her yours, and do you really want to get into this tit-for-tat nonsense? You need to show a little maturity.

[welikeincrowds]

You know, we all live only one past, and hers is what led her to you. If her past was at all different, who knows if you would have even met her?

[alexlakeman]

That's a high mileage unit for such a young age.. but statistically speaking she won't be YOUR last, so screw it, literally ....

 

And remember that "number" you never know the validity of it.. If the girl tells you, just double it...as certain "activities" they either don't count or "wanna forget" ...

[zengirl]

I've noticed there was mention of HPV in this thread. Don't think you can really lump that in---like most women my age (or younger), I've been vaccinated, which means (or so I've been told), it's nearly impossible to "test" for it, unless you're talking about HPV which is causing actual issues and irregularities.

 

without getting into unecessary details, I'm involved with a very nice girl (a real sweetheart) & I like her. we are not at a formally exclusive level; however, I am not necessarily seeing anyone else at the moment.

 

a mutual "friend" of ours felt the need to share a bit of heresay with me last week: my girl (age 28) has been with at least 18 other partners. although I don't necessarily believe my friend (or perhaps I'd prefer not to), a part of me is somewhat agitated that I can't come up with a smooth way to learn the truth.

 

I get the fact that we all have a past, but is 18 guys by age 28 normal?

ladies, would you be offput if a guy you were seeing (unexclusively) wanted to see a clean bill of health...?

 

just wondering. thanks all.

 

Wanted to actually see my clean bill of health? I'd be a little offput. Then again, I don't sleep with people right away, and I expect anyone I'm that intimate with to be pretty happy with my word. I do get tested regularly, and my boyfriend and I did discuss it before becoming intimate. I think discussing it is pretty normal -- everyone needs to be safe. Being such a control freak you actually need to see it in writing would bother me, but that's only because I only sleep with people I've gotten to know already. For people engaging in casual sex, that might be par for the course, I guess.

 

As far as numbers go, I'm not sure why they really matter. Different people approach sex different ways, and the number itself tells you very little. If she seems like a quality girl to you and you like her, don't let a number dissuade you.

[Kamille]

What method of contraception are you using? If condoms (and you are exclusive) you could always suggests you both get checked out for STDs as part of your way to switch to an alternative method.

[Feelin Frisky]

You know, we all live only one past, and hers is what led her to you. If her past was at all different, who knows if you would have even met her?

 

Nicely put.

 

OP, you could have just gotten "frisky" with that "friend" and said: "oh yeah? Well, I heard there was a party in your mouth and everyone was cumming".

[carhill]

Here's a bit of the OP's backstory to add breadth to his perspective in this thread. Emotional and relationship styles, *if* he's looking for a LTR, are critical to success. The lady's history is indicative of her style and its potential compatibility with his. Since the linked thread indicates he has difficulty in separating emotions and sex, he's been investing himself in this dynamic in a substantial way, indicative of his style.

 

If I were in his shoes, considering what he's offered up so far, I'd be having an exclusivity talk with the young lady. I think it would be revealing, not only of her style but also of her perspective. Good luck

[denise_xo]

without getting into unecessary details, I'm involved with a very nice girl (a real sweetheart) & I like her. we are not at a formally exclusive level; however, I am not necessarily seeing anyone else at the moment.

 

a mutual "friend" of ours felt the need to share a bit of heresay with me last week: my girl (age 28) has been with at least 18 other partners. although I don't necessarily believe my friend (or perhaps I'd prefer not to), a part of me is somewhat agitated that I can't come up with a smooth way to learn the truth.

 

I get the fact that we all have a past, but is 18 guys by age 28 normal?

ladies, would you be offput if a guy you were seeing (unexclusively) wanted to see a clean bill of health...?

 

just wondering. thanks all.

 

Personally, I agree with JJ. But if it's important to know, then just ask her straight and tell her that you're concerned about health issues. Whether you're exclusive or not, health is a legitimate concern. I have to say though that IME those who feel the need to ask very often can't deal with the answer. Asking because you're worried about health and asking because you want to establish whether she is a slut or not are two different things.

[elaina]

without getting into unecessary details, I'm involved with a very nice girl (a real sweetheart) & I like her. we are not at a formally exclusive level; however, I am not necessarily seeing anyone else at the moment.

 

a mutual "friend" of ours felt the need to share a bit of heresay with me last week: my girl (age 28) has been with at least 18 other partners. although I don't necessarily believe my friend (or perhaps I'd prefer not to), a part of me is somewhat agitated that I can't come up with a smooth way to learn the truth.

 

I get the fact that we all have a past, but is 18 guys by age 28 normal?

ladies, would you be offput if a guy you were seeing (unexclusively) wanted to see a clean bill of health...?

 

just wondering. thanks all.

 

I guess for some people 18 guys by age 28 could be normal, people are different.

 

I would not be offput if the guy I'm seeing wanted to see a clean bill of health no. Health is a good thing!

 

About his past, it doesn't matter to me how many partners he has had if I know he now has the same goals as me. The past is the past, and it's best to move forward and learn from the past, but not let the past control one's future, you know?

[Sarah1977]

Sounds like a pretty average number to me. *shrugs