Ex's constantly changing interests and goals / Interest in me

[NG85]

This is sort of a two-part post. My ex and I had a pretty clean split about 2 months ago, but there was a possibility of reconciliation - But that became a problem when I found out she got a new boyfriend almost immediately after the break-up.

 

I went NC with my ex for a month, and throughout this time she contacted me a few times, but I'd put off actually talking to her, preferring to wait until the month of NC was up and I had worked on moving on and not being an emotional wreck.

 

Once I began talking to her again, she told me about all these plans she had for the future. She had always been complacent with herself and her surroundings, but now that we split it seems like she wants to move to a new city every day, or get a different hairstyle, or go to such and such a school, and then changing what she wants her major to be every week. She seems very passionate about these ideas at the time, but since she changes her mind about everything so much she can never commit to anything. I also noticed that a lot of these changes seem to be reactionary to me, and it's almost like she's doing the opposite of what I liked about her, or doing things not in her nature to spite me.

 

Likewise, her new boyfriend is almost the exact opposite of me, and it seems like he's an influence on her ideas. I had read that when an ex gets a new partner right after a break-up, it's a sign that they're having problems moving on and need that push, and having a new partner that's the opposite in every way of the old partner is a sure sign of this. Their relationship also seems to be moving 10 times faster than ours did, and it seems to be reaching the same stage of maturity where they're already talking about moving in with one another.

 

My ex and I were together for over 2 years and were a huge part of one another's lives, with her needing more than I needed her, it seemed (During one period of about a year, I was literally the only person she had in her life when she moved to a new town).

 

So here are my questions:

 

1) It was strange that she seemingly moved on so quickly. Is all of this indecisiveness and the fact that she has a new boyfriend mean that she was very hurt and still thinking about me and needed that extra push to get over it?

 

2) She also told me her parents still talk about me every day, she still brings me up in conversations, and she still wears jewelry and clothes I bought her when she goes out (I, on the other hand, got rid of anything she bought me or vaguely reminded me of her). She's also invited me over to hang out quite a bit (Never accepted, though). Does this mean that she still might have feelings for me?

 

3) I've been working on moving on, by working on myself both mentally and physically, and enjoying the single life by going out, having fun, and meeting new girls. We've talked on webcam and she's said multiple times how good I look with my new wardrobe and the weight I've lost, and that she's really impressed by how I've improved my career in the past 2 months. I'm hooked on the idea of seeing her and trying to work things out in the next month or two. Based on all of this information, do you think she's still interested and that I have a chance, or should I just give it up and move on completely?

Edited December 14, 2010 by NG85

[fiat500]

She's an immature twit. Sorry.

 

1.) She doesn't know what she wants. She's being stupid. No normal person who is happy changes their mind every other week nor do they rush a relationship. Her new relationship is doomed to failure.

 

2.)She's indecisive. Yeah, she still harbors feelings for you, but she also wants to know if you're still there so she can fall back on you. DO NOT be there for her. She wants her cake and everything

 

3.)You have a shot if you play your cards right, but really, why do you want this girl if she went into another relationship and tried to make it like the one she had with you? She doesn't sound too bright. She's interested in you now because you look better? Why not just stay in the relationship she had with you?

 

If she left you once, she can leave you again.

[NG85]

Thanks for the advice, Fiat! The relationship ended for a number of reasons, and I won't deny that a lot of them had to do with me. I got way too complacent and figured she'd always be there for me, so I let myself go a bit and my attitude changed a lot. But being single, I had time to focus on myself and try and be the best person I can be. I've been working out, dressing nicely, and working on respecting myself so I can respect others. Without realizing it, I lost who I was in the relationship and wasn't willing to work to make myself better.

 

I'm also working on moving on - I've heard that the only way to determine if you want your ex back is to move on and then you can see them in a new light, and that you have to WANT them rather than NEED them.

 

But the new workout routine is great and it's helping with my confidence. I went to a club last night and danced with a bunch of girls and got phone numbers from 2 of them. Who knows, I may just completely forget about the ex if one of these new girls works out!

[homebrew]

Of course she is not over you.... Of course she still thinks about you.

 

Having said that...

 

A "healthy" person is not defined by nor do they need or seek their validation or approval from someone of the opposite sex, a relationship, a job, money, looks, friends, family, health, material possessions or anything else for that matter. A “healthy” person can only be defined by and get their validation and approval from God and from within. It’s truly the only places where they can find it.

 

It is impossible for "unhealthy" people to really love you, for you. What they are really in love with is any number of things that you or your relationship offered... It could be that you are a challenge, the excitement of being in a new relationship, the conquest, your looks, the sex, your family, your friends, your personality, your job, playing house, taking care of you, your drama, your problems, your kids, your lifestyle, etc. Something about you or the relationship serves their purpose of the "unhealthy"… but don't forget, it's NOT YOU that feeds their need to feel / be "whole".

 

So if something "better" comes along that better meets that "unhealthy" need to feel / be "whole", say goodbye to what you once "had" (not that you ever really "had" it to begin with).

 

Any of the stuff listed above can / could be taken away in a blink of an eye, like a car wreck or heart attack anyway.

 

Your women strikes me as the "unhealthy" type... What do you think?

 

Sounds like she is young and has a lot of growing up to do to be ready for the type of relationship / commitment you are looking for.

 

Coming from a 38 year old. Me and most of my friends (women and men) didn't know who or what we wanted when we were young either.

 

My advice... Keep up the great work you have been doing. Keep having fun and date around until you find someone that "does it for you" and is ready for what you want.

 

Your EX has a lot to learn and some growing up to do... In her case, if she is successful, it's going to take years.

[NG85]

That's some really interesting insight, Homebrew, I never thought about it like that. She is quite young, just shy of 22, and a few years younger than I am. Throughout our relationship she had always been on this quest to find happiness, but she never really changed herself much. Then once we broke up she began searching for a new way of living, and hasn't really been able to hold on to one thing. She tells me this is the happiest she's been, but based on what you guys are saying she's basically treading water in life and not really getting anywhere. I really do believe that for 2 years I was one of the only consistent things in her life.

 

I will say that one of the reasons we broke up was because of a lifestyle choice she made about 3 months before the split. I was completely fine with it, but she was forcing me to conform to it with her. The problem was it just wasn't for me, and I let her know. I was supportive of her, but she wasn't supportive of me not changing for her, and that caused a LOT of tension. Her new boyfriend follows this lifestyle, and as far as I know that's the only thing they have in common.

 

She's stuck with this lifestyle for about 5 months, and so far that's been the only constant thing in her life. Every time I talk to her she has new life goals. For example, she'll say "I'm GOING to move to Boston", like it's a definite thing, then the next week "I'm GOING to move to Dallas". She has all this ambition, but she never acts on it. She even dumped a lot of her old friends and has completely new friends now.

 

I'll admit that I'm not the most mature person, but thanks to this thread I can see that I have some level of maturty. My ex has mentioned a few times when we spoke that I need to grow up, or that I need to work on my maturity - But for 2 years I had to put up with some really immature behavior from her that would drive most people insane.

 

I'd still really like to hang out with my ex in person one time, though, just to see if she actually has grown up in this time. I'm making myself scarce and never really initiating contact, and this is getting on her nerves. She says she misses me and that we never talk anymore - I wonder if she's regretting the break up. She's even said she feels like she's losing her best friend. I figure if she wants to talk to me, she's going to have to do all the work. I've been having her lead the conversations, and only talking about myself when she asks, or it's relevant. She pretty much just talks about herself, until I tell her I have to leave - THEN she gets interested and won't stop asking me about what's going on. But once it reaches the high point I tell her I have to go, and sign off quickly. Like someone's sig on here says, "He who cares least controls the relationship".

Edited December 14, 2010 by NG85

[NG85]

Also, another thing I thought about - My ex was always really jealous when other girls talked to me, especially if I talked to any of my exes. One time I was spending the night at her place, and she saw that an ex from college who I hadn't seen in 5 years posted on my Facebook wall, just asking how I was doing (I didn't even respond to her post). She immediately got up and stormed off and didn't talk to me the rest of the night.

 

So I find it odd that she's willing to talk to me when she's supposedly so happy with her new guy. She cut off all contact with her exes when we were together, yet she's still willing to talk to me when she's with this new guy. I don't mind this, but I find it odd that she's still in contact with me given her past history with her exes. It really makes me wonder how strong her feelings are for me still.

[dng]

Just a note. The way a person does one thing is the way a person usually does everything.

 

If she's talking to you now, she was talking to them then. Hence her freaking out.

 

She's not very honest, it would seem.

[homebrew]

The reason that brought me to LS is I am going through the exact same thing you are.

 

MY Ex, although responsible enough to be able to hold down a job and pursue a career decided she wanted to live the party / in crowd lifestyle.

 

I'm 38 and at this point in my life, I would rather be shot in the face than to hang out with the fake / posers that are into that lifestyle. I do not care what kind of car someone drives or who they work for or want to hear about their stock portfolio. These people are ALWAYS looking to impress and I find them boring. For some reason, these are the ones that gravitate to that lifestyle...

 

Me on the other hand...

 

Throughout our relationship we where a dinner and movies kind of people. We traveled and "tied one on" from time to time. However, I cannot and will not be in a club / bar weekend and week out if I am forced to hang around those idiots.

 

Now when I was much younger, I did the very exact thing that she is now doing. I get that, I understand that and I believe she is doing exactly what she needs to do. I got "it" out of my system and in time, she will too. You see, I could tell her till I am blew in the face, but she to come to that understanding and truth in her own way and in her own time.

 

It might require her to date several "cheesed1cks" and be hurt several times before she realizes these people are only "good time friends" and are not the people that have her or her best interest at heart. I had to get screwed over and hurt several times before I figured it out...

 

All I know is I was not going to date someone that wanted / needed that and I was not going to rob her of fulfilling the need and desire to do so.

 

Our breakup was mutual. I was true to myself. I did not compromise what I wanted and needed from a relationship to stay with her. I respect her and admire her for being true to herself too and not compromising either. Neither one of us should have. If we did, one of us would of ended up resenting ourself and the other person too.

 

At the end of the day, do I think she will find out that lifestyle is completely meaningless and long for a dinner and movie kinda of guy? Yes. Would she come back to me and see if their is a possibility for us to reconcile? Yes.

 

If and when she wants what I want... if I am single. Would consider it? Don't see why

I couldn't or wouldn't but I really don't concern myself with that. I will cross that bridge if I ever find myself there.

 

True is, I am awesome! Even my EX would be the first to tell you. I suspect I will find / meet someone else that is every bit as wonderful as my ex. This person will want the same things I do at the same time. This is how this sorta thing seems to play out.

[NG85]

Thanks for sharing your story, HB, it's a good feeling to know there are other people who are going through the same thing I am. It's also good to keep your options open like you're doing. If your ex ever does come back she's going to have to work to regain YOUR respect, and hopefully that can change her outlook on life and straighten her out.

[NG85]

I just wanted to come back to thank all of you again for the advice. I've sought advice on a few other message boards, and they were all filled with bitter a-holes who really didn't give any good advice, and actually made me feel worse. I have to say this forum has some really positive and helpful members.

 

Tonight I'm planning to go out with some friends and just have tons of fun. I'm not looking to meet anyone new or hook up, but rather just get my mind off things. Here's hoping things go well!