catscatscats Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 My boyfriend and I have been seriously together for 4 years. I have never done, nor wanted to do anything with anyone else. His sister (who is 3 years older than me) is one of my best friends and I am also friends with her friends. The other night I went out drinking with his sister's friends but SHE WAS NOT THERE. I ended up getting totally trashed and sleeping with his sister's boss. I am NOT using the drinking as an excuse AT ALL but at the same time... you know? So I end up telling my boyfriend. The problem is I waited a few days: I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO TELL HIM! I WAS FREAKING OUT! BUT I KNEW I COULDN'T LIVE WITH MYSELF... So several problems now: The sister, who as I mentioned was one of my best friends HATES ME. I've been getting texts over and over from her saying "**** you **** you, you betrayed us, you broke my brother's heart you made my workplace the most uncomfortable place ever..." I UNDERSTAND THIS...I DON'T BLAME HER AT ALL!! On the boyfriend end we've been talking/yelling about it for days. What it comes down to is he 1) Can't believe I did it (I CANT EITHER!) and 2) Can't believe I waited "so long" to tell him; he thinks this was intentional and I was going to try to get away with it if his sister had not found out. After days of this he decided that he would not write me off completeley (like I said, FOUR YEARS here) We had just been talking about becoming engaged and have always talked about our lives together. I know I need to analyze why I did this....my reasons are true and sincere but I know they're not acceptable. I was lonely (he's been out of town for so long...) and in my drunk state I think I just enjoyed that someone else enjoyed my company. I had NO INTENTION of it escalating. It was ONE NIGHT. I've been putting myself in his shoes for the last few days too, trying to think about what I would do if he did this to me. I would FREAK OUT too and hopefully my brother would be the same way as his sister as to me...BUT I WOULD GET OVER IT. I SWEAR I WOULD. I would probably be doing the same thing he is, which is taking a break from me. He said that if I am truly committed to making things work it will be like I am still in a relationship with him but he is not in one with me. This is perfectly acceptable (though it will KILL ME). I will do ANYTHING to make it work. I take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for my actions... I will also wait as long as it takes to show him I am sincere. I know I also need to be thinking about my most deep feelings. Where do think things are headed? Also any advice about the sister? Hypothetically if we get back together will she hate me for the rest of my life?
tinktronik Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Why did you actually do this? Is there something you were looking for? Missing? I think you have possibly damaged any future you may have together. I would suggest writing his sister a letter explaining your reasoning and what happened, apologize of course.
Leandro Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Well you really don't know what it's like in his shoes, you can only imagine. Like Tink said, you should probably right a letter. I'm really not sure where your relationship is heading. You did some serious damage.
Eddie Edirol Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 You apparently need alot of attention when your bf is away. If you cant be trusted when he is away when you drink, You are going to have to tell him what you need him to do to keep you from feeling lonely. Dont you have friends that can keep you company while hes away? Are you really that unreliable as a person?
johan Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 In spite of his willingness to not write you off completely, he'll never really trust you again. If you can get back to being happy, I expect a lot of resentment to always linger under the surface waiting to ambush you. At those times you'll be faced with the truth of what he thinks of you. And maybe also with what he thinks of himself for having taken you back. It doesn't look hopeful to me.
johan Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Like Tink said, you should probably right a letter. Did Tink say that?
Leandro Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I would suggest writing his sister a letter explaining your reasoning and what happened, apologize of course. Right here. I didn't mean to say "right", sorry.
tinktronik Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 In spite of his willingness to not write you off completely, he'll never really trust you again. If you can get back to being happy, I expect a lot of resentment to always linger under the surface waiting to ambush you. At those times you'll be faced with the truth of what he thinks of you. And maybe also with what he thinks of himself for having taken you back. It doesn't look hopeful to me. I agree with Johan. You're not married yet and this is a relation breaker for most relationships. You've most likely destroyed this one beyond repair. Take this as a life lesson to never cheat again, find another way to work out R problems.
Capital P Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 You ****ed this one out of the park. And i dont believe you are being completely honest. People dont just get drunk and cheat out of nowhere If the sister found out before you said anything, i dont believe you would have said anything Be honest on here and you will get a better opinion.
Distant78 Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I agree with the others, but I think as I type this he's already feeling like a fool for even telling you he won't write you off completely. And from your post you're still trying to justify your affair, saying that it was only "one night," and that you were "lonely," as if that's going to make him feel any better. And you had the nerve to try and get away with it by not telling him, and in the process also destroyed the relationship between you and his sister and even made her job uncomfortable for her. Your boyfriend is right: If his sister hadn't found out, you would've never told him. In my opinion he'd be a fool to get back into the relationship and even if you guys keep seeing each other, you better believe that he will have resentment over what you've done and he will have a LOT more words to say to you, and rightfully so. You have damaged your relationship with him significantly, almost to the point of full obliteration. He may change his mind. If I were you, I would just let him go so he can find someone else that will never cheat on him. If you spent four years with this man and you guys planned on marrying each other, then surely you could've kept your legs closed untl he was back in your arms again. There is no excuse for what you've done.
Chi townD Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Hate to tell you this. Right now, he's still in a state of shock. He doesn't know what to do, and he in a panic. Sooner or later, he's gonna get on a roller coaster of emotions. Once he hits the anger phase, don't be surprised if he ends it with you.
fiat500 Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 This has gone FUBAR Once you cheat you can never ever EVER take that back. Your ex has to be as forgiving as a saint to give you another chance. But that is something you usually can't recover from.
Distant78 Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 He doesn't have to necessarily forgive her in order to be with her. But I agree Chi townD: He's shocked and that's probably why he's trying to give her another chance, but when the shock is over hopefully he'll know what to do.
homebrew Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 First, I do want to thank you for sharing with all of us! It takes guts to admit to doing something like that even to perfect strangers. People can and do cheat for all sorts of wrong reasons. It's nice to see a cheater that... a) regrets it b) holds themselves accountable for their actions c) wants to apologize / make it right You might get the poor guy back, but let me tell you, it is D.F.F. (Doomed for Failure)! Here is my prediction: He takes you back, treats you poorly, most likely he will cheat on you and as soon as he finds someone else, he will definitely replace you. Note: Your relationship with his sister and his family is over and will never be repaired... EVER! Question: How old are you? The reason I ask, although there IS NEVER AN EXCUSE FOR CHEATING... Based on the guilt /remorse you shared... I still think you have a moral compass. I suspect like most others have stated... the root cause is due to some deep seated self-esteem issue. There was something that you wanted / need / desired from you cheating and it had nothing to do with your boyfriend (who seems like a class act).
Defiler89 Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Why did u even do it ? It will be a miracle if he takes you back
dk.bnz.chi Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 i was way way to drunk is a total bs,please. you had some kind of hidden desire for the boss ,i know this. i've been in situations where i could have sex with girls who had long term bf. they even told me when they were "way way drunk" that they always wanted to have sex with me. so i've been there. it's nothing emotional,just physical attraction,that's what it is. i was in this situation with 5 different girls,so i kinda know
homebrew Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 i was way way to drunk is a total bs,please. you had some kind of hidden desire for the boss ,i know this. i've been in situations where i could have sex with girls who had long term bf. they even told me when they were "way way drunk" that they always wanted to have sex with me. so i've been there. it's nothing emotional,just physical attraction,that's what it is. i was in this situation with 5 different girls,so i kinda know I concur! There was some need or desire that was / needed to be "filled"... Cheating was just the end result. My guess, daddy issues!
Eddie Edirol Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 i was way way to drunk is a total bs,please. you had some kind of hidden desire for the boss ,i know this. i've been in situations where i could have sex with girls who had long term bf. they even told me when they were "way way drunk" that they always wanted to have sex with me. so i've been there. it's nothing emotional,just physical attraction,that's what it is. i was in this situation with 5 different girls,so i kinda know Aw shiit, if its just sexual attraction and nothing else, then not only is this OP not completely attracted to her BF, she lusts for better and thus the cheating. You better just leave your bf and find a guy that you are more attracted to.
Ometeotl Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 Sounds like you feel guilty and remorseful, Ok, thats a good thing, right? Nobody is perfect! You live and learn, I am really am sorry you did this deary. At this point, you may want to think whats best for your ex seeing as how you owe him that. The question is, what is best for him? (Possibly for his sister and his family too) If I where in your shoes, I would tell him he should leave me, and just no connect the hell out of all that. Sure its not whats best for you, but, its what is most likely best for him and his family. My last girlfriend actually did this, we where in an open relationship, after we started getting more serious she started getting real nasty for reasons beyond my capacity to judge (I have compassion for her and what she's been through but I wont be treated like dirt), I nearly broke it with her, then we tried to work on it, but neither of us where happy and she was throwing some emotional curve balls... after a while she is like, "I think we should break up before you start hating me"... I was so emotionally exhausted I did not even argue... She was right, and I really appreciated the no contact approach! Thats my advice, but do what you think is best! Life goes on, we must keep hope alive!!!
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Conventional wisdom says that you wouldn't have told him were you not secretly jonesing for HIM to break-up with you. (*** unless you believe there was a reasonable chance that your b/f would have found out otherwise - which I can't read in this case, because I can't tell how close the boss is with your boyfriend's sister and/or her friends)
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