PJKino Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Guess I'll do what a lot of women do and just end up with someone who wants them, but they are not that into, just to have 'someone' That's anotehr thing i fear,if a women finally does say yes to me it might just because im the only one who approached her in awhile and shes not really that into me
Author paddington bear Posted December 23, 2010 Author Posted December 23, 2010 Play in your league and you will find somebody. That is what most people do. Actually, I'm kind of out of his league to be honest....I guess I just like getting to know guys and that nice build up of excitement, as you find out more about each other...but then, BAM! friendzoned... So, I should stop doing that really. And kiss them first, then get to know them...and then get dumped
Yer_Blues Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Actually, I'm kind of out of his league to be honest....I guess I just like getting to know guys and that nice build up of excitement, as you find out more about each other...but then, BAM! friendzoned... So, I should stop doing that really. And kiss them first, then get to know them...and then get dumped If you are out of his league, why aren't you being approached and locked up? Guys should pretty much be competing for you. If I had to guess, I'd say you aren't communicating interest properly/heavily enough at the right times, you aren't as attractive as you think you are, or you have some other red flag/behavior turnoff that you aren't aware of. People wouldn't friendzone you just because you are somehow especially deserving of not being in a happy relationship. Self-pity and viewpoints derived from pure negative emotions are unhealthy and circular.
Author paddington bear Posted December 23, 2010 Author Posted December 23, 2010 If you are out of his league, why aren't you being approached and locked up? Guys should pretty much be competing for you. If I had to guess, I'd say you aren't communicating interest properly/heavily enough at the right times, you aren't as attractive as you think you are, or you have some other red flag/behavior turnoff that you aren't aware of. People wouldn't friendzone you just because you are somehow especially deserving of not being in a happy relationship. Self-pity and viewpoints derived from pure negative emotions are unhealthy and circular. I don't live in the States with this dating culture of girls getting approached in bars, gyms, supermarkets etc. - and it is not just me who suffers from lack of attention. And no, not a model, but get complimented a lot usually by men in relationships who say things like "I just don't understand why you haven't been snapped up". I did one night (this is a total exception) have 3 guys after me one night. One was a bit of an idiot to be honest, one was years and years younger than me and one I liked and he kissed me...but then...wouldn't take my number, so I guess he had a wife/girlfriend. I think the communicating of interest definitely needs to be worked on. But I really tried hard with this one, flirted etc....and didn't work. I am in self-pity mode now. Wallowing in it...but, I think many people, and me obviously have a pattern with relationships, for some it could be that you end up with cheaters, for example. You fear that that will happen again, try your hardest to break the mould, think you've found someone different, only to find you are still in your pattern. I'm so afraid of being friendzoned that perhaps I unconsciously make it happen, all the while trying desperately for it not to. Dunno...
Yer_Blues Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 I don't live in the States with this dating culture of girls getting approached in bars, gyms, supermarkets etc. - and it is not just me who suffers from lack of attention. And no, not a model, but get complimented a lot usually by men in relationships who say things like "I just don't understand why you haven't been snapped up". I did one night (this is a total exception) have 3 guys after me one night. One was a bit of an idiot to be honest, one was years and years younger than me and one I liked and he kissed me...but then...wouldn't take my number, so I guess he had a wife/girlfriend. I think the communicating of interest definitely needs to be worked on. But I really tried hard with this one, flirted etc....and didn't work. I am in self-pity mode now. Wallowing in it...but, I think many people, and me obviously have a pattern with relationships, for some it could be that you end up with cheaters, for example. You fear that that will happen again, try your hardest to break the mould, think you've found someone different, only to find you are still in your pattern. I'm so afraid of being friendzoned that perhaps I unconsciously make it happen, all the while trying desperately for it not to. Dunno... Yes precisely. You either have something objectively wrong with you that needs to be fixed (disqualifiers for a healthy relationship etc.) or you are a negative self-fulfilling prophecy who will wallow in circular suffering as I do. Ever feel like the way things play out, the frustrating irony of it all, that you are cursed? I get that too. I'm starting to think that it's just the power of negative thought processes that makes you look at things like that.
Author paddington bear Posted December 23, 2010 Author Posted December 23, 2010 Yes precisely. You either have something objectively wrong with you that needs to be fixed (disqualifiers for a healthy relationship etc.) or you are a negative self-fulfilling prophecy who will wallow in circular suffering as I do. Ever feel like the way things play out, the frustrating irony of it all, that you are cursed? I get that too. I'm starting to think that it's just the power of negative thought processes that makes you look at things like that. Yeah totally feel cursed sometimes. Funny, this pattern thing. Mine is to think something will happen, nothing does, Friendzone. A female friend of mine meets guys who declare their undying love, she sleeps with them, then they dump her. We all have them. The problem is...the more your personal pattern is confirmed, the harder it is to feel confident about dealings with members of the opposite sex and thus you shoot yourself in the foot.
PJKino Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Play in your league and you will find somebody. That is what most people do. How do you not what your "league" is? Obviously if an average Joe is htiting on models thats one thing but with everydya people they dont have signs im a 6 or im a 4
runner Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 dating within one's league is a myth. there are no 'leagues'. true, honest attraction transcends all social strata. and there are no set standards as to who's a 5, 10, 3, bla bla bla... paddington- sorry to hear about your update. you'll get over it in time. but for now, recognise that you have the power the get yourself out of this pitiful friendzone; you have every right to put this guy in your 'acquaintance zone' and not have to put up with his talk of chasing this other girl. act like you don't give a **** and ignore him when he goes there.
Ariadne Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 I have been totally friendzoned again! I can't believe that this has happened yet again to me. Now he wants to chat about this girl and what should he do about her because he really likes her...blah blah Worst of all is...everyone else around us still seems to think there is something going on between us, and in fact have been not-so-subtly trying to help get us together - so at least I wasn't imagining a spark. Seems he is the one off on his own little planet. So, a genuinely shy guy, but who is liked by everyone, contacts me every day, week days, evenings, weekends and everyone around us thinks he is into me and vice versa. That's kind of mean. To get all that attention...and to still get it, but yet I'm not wanted. It's pretty confusing and totally mislead me. Can he be this clueless? That I liked him? Seriously? How dumb can you be? And now to rub salt into my gaping wounds I have to hear about how amazing this other girl is...this being friendzoned sucks...particularly as a woman because we are lied to and told that men only befriend women because they hope to have sex with them at some point. That is a lie. Just means they use you for company until someone better comes along. Wow paddington bear, What a story. I'm going to follow your stories from now on. And too bad about that guy!
OceanGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Yeah totally feel cursed sometimes. Funny, this pattern thing. Mine is to think something will happen, nothing does, Friendzone. A female friend of mine meets guys who declare their undying love, she sleeps with them, then they dump her. We all have them. The problem is...the more your personal pattern is confirmed, the harder it is to feel confident about dealings with members of the opposite sex and thus you shoot yourself in the foot. I totally feel cursed sometimes. My pattern is that I have few promising dates with a guy and then he gets back with his ex/gets serious with someone else/meets someone else and discards me. The other person turns out to be the love of his life. It's hard not to get discouraged.
Author paddington bear Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 (edited) yes, still trying to recover from this one. Am at the 'well, maybe I didn't want him anyway' phase right now (but not totally convinced). Trying to put him in the brother, platonic box. Seem to be doing okay with that so far. I was advised no contact here...but it's kind of hard when you haven't actually admitted that you like someone and then will have to see them regularly after that. He'd be like 'what did I do?' and answering that question opens a can of humilating worms. So, instead, I am actively encouraging him to go for the other girl, which means, if he gets her, he will be all like this --> and will drop me, or at least lesson the contact, so he will essentially do the job of no contact for me. This will no doubt totally backfire on me... Edited January 2, 2011 by paddington bear
Author paddington bear Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 I totally feel cursed sometimes. My pattern is that I have few promising dates with a guy and then he gets back with his ex/gets serious with someone else/meets someone else and discards me. The other person turns out to be the love of his life. It's hard not to get discouraged. Oh I had a friend with that pattern too! She did find someone though eventually and has been with him for years and is very happy...(that might give you some hope). My new year's resolution is to stop making friends with guys. Problem was, I didn't think I was making friends with him, thought there was a spark. But I was wrong and now we're friends and I'm like "wait a gosh darn minute, how on earth did that happen?"
dispatch3d Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Daily contact, he definitely likes you. He definitely isn't in it for the "attention". His a dude not a guy. Guys don't need or want attention, there's no purpose to it at all. That's a chick thing, which reassures themselves they are hot before they go hit on someone else, or gives them a rebound if some guy they actually like rejects them (the different is a decent looking women has way more options than a decent looking guy, unless the guy has game). So basically, do something to coax him into romance. Use your imagination, and don't keep doing the same old thing you always do if it doesn't actually work. edit: and the sex issue I think is a misnomer. I think a lot of women have issues with sex, and will (sometimes) do everything relationship-type up to sex with 0 commitments. So that's where that dynamic comes from.
OceanGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Oh I had a friend with that pattern too! She did find someone though eventually and has been with him for years and is very happy...(that might give you some hope). My new year's resolution is to stop making friends with guys. Problem was, I didn't think I was making friends with him, thought there was a spark. But I was wrong and now we're friends and I'm like "wait a gosh darn minute, how on earth did that happen?" Thanks, that DOES give me some hope. With my pattern, I even did a bit of investigating. At some point I thought it was impossible that these men all met "the one" right after they started dating me. I thought it may be an excuse to put me off. So I Facebook friended them and it turned out they were telling the truth (the pictures and the relationship status). Then they would proceed to get engaged few months later. Maybe you should pounce on the next guy you like within the first couple of weeks of meeting him?
Mad Max Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Daily contact, he definitely likes you. He definitely isn't in it for the "attention". His a dude not a guy. Guys don't need or want attention, there's no purpose to it at all. That's a chick thing, which reassures themselves they are hot before they go hit on someone else, or gives them a rebound if some guy they actually like rejects them (the different is a decent looking women has way more options than a decent looking guy, unless the guy has game). So basically, do something to coax him into romance. Use your imagination, and don't keep doing the same old thing you always do if it doesn't actually work. edit: and the sex issue I think is a misnomer. I think a lot of women have issues with sex, and will (sometimes) do everything relationship-type up to sex with 0 commitments. So that's where that dynamic comes from. Agreed. Guys don't do things like that for attention.
Ariadne Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Thanks, that DOES give me some hope. (You look beautiful!!! )
Author paddington bear Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 Daily contact, he definitely likes you. He definitely isn't in it for the "attention". His a dude not a guy. Guys don't need or want attention, there's no purpose to it at all. That's a chick thing, which reassures themselves they are hot before they go hit on someone else, or gives them a rebound if some guy they actually like rejects them (the different is a decent looking women has way more options than a decent looking guy, unless the guy has game). So basically, do something to coax him into romance. Use your imagination, and don't keep doing the same old thing you always do if it doesn't actually work. edit: and the sex issue I think is a misnomer. I think a lot of women have issues with sex, and will (sometimes) do everything relationship-type up to sex with 0 commitments. So that's where that dynamic comes from. Oh he likes me alright - as a friend. Do you tell the girl (woman) you like how amazing and gorgeous some other girl is? Do you contact the girl you like over the holidays and tell hew how you can't stop thinking about the other girl? Do you tell about how you asked the other girl on a date? So, thanks for the positive advice, but nope he sees me as a male buddy. And if not, he's being mean and totally insensitive, or trying to make me jealous. Or trying to let me down easy. So, he has totally blown it now, as far as I'm concerned. I need someone who doesn't lead me on (even inadvertently) and then decide that there is someone better, and then tell me all about the someone better and expect me to be supportive. He could at least have had the decency to shut up about her, but I'm glad he told me, otherwise I'd still be hoping. The hanging around me and being in touch. That is just wanting his cake and eat it.
dispatch3d Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 (edited) Oh he likes me alright - as a friend. Do you tell the girl (woman) you like how amazing and gorgeous some other girl is? Do you contact the girl you like over the holidays and tell hew how you can't stop thinking about the other girl? Do you tell about how you asked the other girl on a date? So, thanks for the positive advice, but nope he sees me as a male buddy. And if not, he's being mean and totally insensitive, or trying to make me jealous. Or trying to let me down easy. So, he has totally blown it now, as far as I'm concerned. I need someone who doesn't lead me on (even inadvertently) and then decide that there is someone better, and then tell me all about the someone better and expect me to be supportive. He could at least have had the decency to shut up about her, but I'm glad he told me, otherwise I'd still be hoping. The hanging around me and being in touch. That is just wanting his cake and eat it. lol this evidence isn't very good. If you're older than yeah maybe he realizes all of the above is definitely a bad move. But it wouldn't surprise me at all if he just didn't have any idea that all of that is a dumb idea. If he contacts you everyday he likes you. As far as I'm concerned that evidence>>>>>the subtle things your trying to pickup (which I'd think are valid for girls, but not for guys; fair enough). Anyhow I'll just see if other male posters agree or disagree. I've definitely done the above with girls I like at the time. edit: maybe if he had no friends I'd agree. But daily contact I just can't put myself in a place where I'd contact someone daily who I wasn't interested in. Maybe 3 times a week tops. Even my best female friends are 2-3 times/week tops but I've been friends with them for over a year, not like a month or whatever it is for you two...... Edited January 3, 2011 by dispatch3d
Author paddington bear Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 Dispatched...hmmm, thanks for trying to give me hope, but I've found it's better to snuff out hope (otherwise you waste years of your life waiting for some guy to decide he likes you). I like this person, good guy, but really as you say, the evidence is not good, so time to move on! Oceangirl...you should pounce soon after meeting. I discussed my pattern with my therapist and that is what she suggested to me. Make sure something has happened, a kiss or more asap. I guess if you take too long to establish some kind of sexual desire in a man, he will lose interest. In your case, it has probably been just sheer bad luck that these guys have gone on to meet a LTR after you. I'm not sure how one would change that pattern...unless....you are subconsciously picking men that aren't invested in you. Do you know the theory that if you've been hurt, you open your arms up to guys that won't commit almost as a way of preventing hurt, of keeping intimacy at bay (while pushing away the good ones that do want you). But then of course you do get hurt, because they were the wrong guy, and thus your point of view that relationships = hurt, gets further established. That struck a chord with me anyway, and I take note of it now when I meet someone I like.
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