paddington bear Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 I posted recently about a shy guy...now we've been out together a couple of times alone over the last weeks...and nothing. No kiss, no hug. Nothing. Great time had, fun, laughter all that. But nothing vaguely romantic, apart from some lingering looks. Known him for months now, slow friendship built up, definite sparks, now venturing into the 'let's go out together' territory and sharing personal stuff ...but still no moves have been made by him or me. And I'm getting frustrated. I really like him. I'm really attracted to him, but I don't know what the hell he wants. After the last time out together I thought "okay the guy had every opportunity to respond to me and didn't" and this is the third time... So, how long do I give this? I feel I should give up now. Like I'm somehow pushing this thing that will probably never happen and on the other hand, he still keeps contacting me, pretty much on a daily basis. But I can't be kept dangling on the end of a line forever, while he works up the courage, or alternatively hang on forever to find that he's not into me 'in that way'. Perhaps I'm making excuses for this lack of interest by labeling him shy (he is though), when in fact, he's really just not interested, but likes the attention. There is a pair of us in it. Seems he's too shy to make a move/say something. I'm not shy, but I am with this stuff, so I haven't done anything either, bar heavily flirting...but maybe what I think is heavily flirting is not even registering with him and he thinks I'm just being friendly. Men always say that no guy hangs out with a girl unless he wants to have sex with her at some point...but this has happened to me lots of times, guys seem really keen...but then don't want me sexually (and no, it's not because I'm spectacularly ugly) Have I been friendzoned again? I feel like I'm in dangerous friendzone waters here and I don't know how to get out - apart from the dreaded step of actually saying something to him about it, which freaks me out so much you wouldn't believe. Not sure I want to hear the verbal rejection. I'm freaking out, because I always get friendzoned by guys that I like, and seem to have something going with. Next thing you know I get the 'I'm just not ready' line, or 'I'm still hooked on my ex' line. And I'm afraid I'm going to make it happen again with this guy, by simply thinking that it's going to happen again. I hate this crap! You are led to believe that guys want sex, and if they hang out with you all the time and communicate and seem to like your company, that yes, this should mean they are attracted to you...but then, is this just a myth? If it was true, surely at some point, with much encouragement from me, he would do something (even holding a hand would be a major step forward at this stage).
Raderick Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 Maybe it's time for YOU to initiate and TELL HIM that you like him romantically and see how he responds. Worse case you never see him again, but it's a risk that you may have to take.
griffinchicken53 Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 during a date try holding his hand, kiss him on the cheek at the end of the date. i'm painfully shy, he might be trying to read your body language, to see if you want your hand held or to kiss. that's what i would be worrying about. he might be scared of being rejected, same as you.
refurb Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I've got a crazy idea, but here it goes: Talk to him. RF
griffinchicken53 Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I've got a crazy idea, but here it goes: Talk to him. RF where would you come up with such crazy logic?
BobSacamento Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 It is threads like this that make me feel like a player.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 So what's keeping you from kissing him? P_B, i think you're a smart cookie, if he doesn't initiate, maybe you should just take the plunge and plant a good french kiss on him. The only reaction you need to look for is whether he enjoys it or not. Or maybe... he's gay?
Confusedalways Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Sounds like my boyfriend and I... I had to make the first move eventually, because he was super shy. I'm definitely not shy either but always am with this stuff. He eventually told me he was paralyzed by his fear of rejection even when it was clear I wouldn't have rejected him. Just try making a move
musemaj11 Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Men always say that no guy hangs out with a girl unless he wants to have sex with her at some point...but this has happened to me lots of times, guys seem really keen...but then don't want me sexually (and no, it's not because I'm spectacularly ugly) Have I been friendzoned again? I feel like I'm in dangerous friendzone waters here and I don't know how to get out - apart from the dreaded step of actually saying something to him about it, which freaks me out so much you wouldn't believe. Not sure I want to hear the verbal rejection. I'm freaking out, because I always get friendzoned by guys that I like, and seem to have something going with. Next thing you know I get the 'I'm just not ready' line, or 'I'm still hooked on my ex' line. And I'm afraid I'm going to make it happen again with this guy, by simply thinking that it's going to happen again. I hate this crap! You are led to believe that guys want sex, and if they hang out with you all the time and communicate and seem to like your company, that yes, this should mean they are attracted to you...but then, is this just a myth? If it was true, surely at some point, with much encouragement from me, he would do something (even holding a hand would be a major step forward at this stage). Some women make really good friends that guys wanna be around them even though they are not physically attracted. If he is shy then you really have no other option except to woman up.
runner Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 oh no it isn't a myth. most of us do want sex. if i didn't, i make sure to make that known VERY early into it. sounds like this guy might just be shy. one of my exes literally pulled my tshirt toward her to make out with me man she had some balls
OceanGirl Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I really think that you should tell him openly. Given your history, you tend to stick it out with guys that you are "friends only" with hoping that it would somehow turn into more. The next thing you know, you have wasted a year on some unrequited crush. I see this heading down the same way unless you ask him/tell him. If you are too shy to do it in person just e-mail him or something. Say something simple such as "Is there a chance for us to be more than friends?" You don't have to go into a big spiel about how much you like him etc. You really need to nip this thing in the bud.
Author paddington bear Posted December 14, 2010 Author Posted December 14, 2010 thanks for the replies. I feel like such a socially inept loser right now. I did nearly say something the other day, but chickened out. And yes, there has been arm touching and hand touching, and kiss on the cheeking from my side. When I kiss on the cheek, he does just stands there paralyzed...could be he is gay, but I really don't think so, which is leading me to the belief that I'm just a buddy in his eyes. Guess I got to say something, sometime. That's going to be a barrel of laughs...
runner Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 oh dear...he really doesn't react at all ?? if i wasn't into you, i'd smile and say something that would turn you off from taking that further. and i'm not so sure about the gay thing. if you have decent gaydar, you'd know it pretty quickly. which leaves it finally to- he really could be that shy. ...honestly though, even if you did get him to make out and take his clothes off, i would keep my expectations very low about his skills in the bedroom. sounds like a 'project' if you really want to be with this guy.
musemaj11 Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 If he were gay, he wouldnt be shy around you. Use your logic.
zhsoj Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 And yes, there has been arm touching and hand touching, and kiss on the cheeking from my side. When I kiss on the cheek, he does just stands there paralyzed...could be he is gay, but I really don't think so, which is leading me to the belief that I'm just a buddy in his eyes. Haha... No. I very much doubt he is gay or sees you as a buddy. And I'd know since I was just like him. Trying to be a friend with a girl is tricky for me. I don't want to mislead and I'm pretty socially clueless. I don't want to come right out and say "I like you, but not like that" just because she was being friendly. However holding my hand and kissing me (even on the cheek) would be super clear that she was interested and that I'd need to be straight with her. If I was gay I don't think that would change how I interpreted your affections or my need in clearing the air that I saw us as just friends. He's not friend zoning you I don't think. He's just super nervous and unsure of what to do. No joke. You probably can't tell from just looking at him just how much confusing crap is running through his head right now. If I were him I'd pretty much just want you to grab me and tell me what to do. Better yet though would be to communicate with him. Ask if he sees you as more than a friend. If he says yes than at the very least you both can start gaining confidence in where you both stand with each other...
PerpetualMotion Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Tell him. He's probably thinking that you're simply comfortable with him because you think he's gay. Seriously, you should tell him.
Author paddington bear Posted December 23, 2010 Author Posted December 23, 2010 reviving this old thread to give an update. Well it seems 'shy' means 'just not that into you' Lesson learned is, that even if a guy is crippled with shyness, he will do something about it. Like the way this shy person found the inner strength to flirt all night with an incredibly gorgeous girl and ignored me totally after previously lavishing me with his exclusive attention.... I have been totally friendzoned again! I can't believe that this has happened yet again to me. Now he wants to chat about this girl and what should he do about her because he really likes her...blah blah Worst of all is...everyone else around us still seems to think there is something going on between us, and in fact have been not-so-subtly trying to help get us together - so at least I wasn't imagining a spark. Seems he is the one off on his own little planet. So, a genuinely shy guy, but who is liked by everyone, contacts me every day, week days, evenings, weekends and everyone around us thinks he is into me and vice versa. That's kind of mean. To get all that attention...and to still get it, but yet I'm not wanted. It's pretty confusing and totally mislead me. Can he be this clueless? That I liked him? Seriously? How dumb can you be? And now to rub salt into my gaping wounds I have to hear about how amazing this other girl is...this being friendzoned sucks...particularly as a woman because we are lied to and told that men only befriend women because they hope to have sex with them at some point. That is a lie. Just means they use you for company until someone better comes along. I guess him telling me about this other girl was either to let me down without having to actually say the words 'I only see you as a friend' or he is genuinely totally clueless that I liked him as more than a friend...or he is trying to make me jealous and prompt a reaction such as 'please don't go off with her, I'm the one you want!' (but I doubt that last option is the case).. Anyway, the moral of the story is, if some guy who is shy appears to like you and wants to be in touch all the time, but doesn't make a move, it's because he is looking for a female buddy and not because there is any attraction there. God I hate men sometimes. I really do
tigressA Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Ugh, that sucks! But you're wrong about one thing--you DON'T have to hear about that 'amazing' other girl. Since you like(d) him and he's not into you, I recommend going NC so you can get past it. I highly doubt he was completely clueless about your interest in him. I think he's an attention whore. Go NC and don't look back.
Author paddington bear Posted December 23, 2010 Author Posted December 23, 2010 Unfortunately, I'm not in a position right now to do the NC thing. So, I'm not sure how to extricate myself from him/my feelings while being forced on a daily basis to be reminded that he's not into me...totally sucks. Would be nice to find someone else, or at least go on some dates to feel at least somewhat attractive...but sadly, that rarely happens, so I guess will just spend Christmas thinking about him thinking about her.
tigressA Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Why are you not in a position to go NC? I can't really envision any situation in which that's impossible besides living together.
PJKino Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Welcome to what men go through Not to fun and kind of stressful ehh?
Author paddington bear Posted December 23, 2010 Author Posted December 23, 2010 Welcome to what men go through Not to fun and kind of stressful ehh? hahahaaaa you are making assumptions that this hasn't happened to me a million times before. It has, and yes, stressful. And I think the final nail in the coffin to my confidence. I don't think I will dare like anyone again to be honest. Guess I'll do what a lot of women do and just end up with someone who wants them, but they are not that into, just to have 'someone' because sure as hell, the guys I laugh with and can talk to and have stuff in common with don't seem to want me (sorry...total pity party going on right now).
tigressA Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 work together... In that case, keep contact to the bare minimum--only when you absolutely have to, and no more than that. You really should limit your contact with him as much as you possibly can.
Yer_Blues Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 (edited) hahahaaaa you are making assumptions that this hasn't happened to me a million times before. It has, and yes, stressful. And I think the final nail in the coffin to my confidence. I don't think I will dare like anyone again to be honest. Guess I'll do what a lot of women do and just end up with someone who wants them, but they are not that into, just to have 'someone' because sure as hell, the guys I laugh with and can talk to and have stuff in common with don't seem to want me (sorry...total pity party going on right now). Play in your league and you will find somebody. That is what most people do. Edited December 23, 2010 by Yer_Blues
Recommended Posts