Lightbulbs, Peace and Clarity...and it's about d*mned time!

[ItsNeverForever]

The past few weeks have been so weird. Such misery and struggle for me, yet such great advice from my LS lovies – I swear, I’d be in a padded cell right now without all of you, both the commiserators AND the naysayers – I <3 you all equally! In addition to my LS lifeline, over the past week I had some candid conversations with my “wise old Auntie” (boy, would she strangle me if she knew I’d called her that just now – LOL!) and even a short conversation with my “MM”, that have offered me such clarity and peace, I’m almost elated. I honestly feel like I’m ME again

 

Important background details in case you’re not familiar or don’t remember:

 

- MM” is not married, but cohabitating with his child’s mother – they are separated – single but living together – for her financial reasons. She is soon to be moving out of the house. This was well-corroborated by friends close to him before I EVER considered taking our fantastic friendship to the dating stage.

- Because of his cohabitation status that has repeatedly been “going to change” but has instead been repeatedly pushed back for some dumb reason or another, I classified my relationship as one with a MM. Might as well have been, for all intents and purposes, since it was her live-in status that has kept us from having a healthy, REAL relationship. His duty to her & their child keeps him from forcing her out.

 

THE BIG OL’ UPDATE:

 

“MM” had been silent for an entire week after a minor “incident” that I had thought for sure had him so angry that I’d sealed my own fate and caused my own D-Day, even though I really wasn’t quite ready. I was completely torn up over the reason for his anger, imagining how he would never see me the same way again, as the woman so different from any he’d ever known – the one who didn’t come stock with the immature dramantics, baloney and hysteria he’s experienced in past relationships, including with BabyMama. Although I didn’t directly perpetrate the incident, I was responsible in that I had inadvertently “leaked” some information to a third party that I should not have; I don’t even remember doing it. The third party is someone who loves me very much and was trying to get me some resolution once and for all, believing that if they had discovered he was lying to me all along and cake-eating (I have always believed him, he’s not a liar, and I have always refused to even consider that he was lying to me) that I would be so angry I’d cut all ties and be over this whole thing in an instant. Their theory, knowing me as well as they do, being 100% correct. I would like to clarify here that although I believed deep down that he was being truthful with me, I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND the cake-eating theory to which all those around me were subscribed and don’t for ONE second fault them for it, bc I’ve been on the other side of this very argument before. Anyway, this “leak” led to the discovery that he has indeed been truthful to me all along, on all counts. It came straight from the horse’s mouth (BabyMama). When he discovered the link between me and this incident, he was severely disappointed and I felt truly HORRIBLE about it, knowing how I had disappointed him; however, we talked it over, and in the end he expressed that it really was so silly and minor, that we’d forget about it soon enough and that everything was going to be okay. But then came the entire Week of Silence…

 

So, during said Week of Silence, I had honestly come to the conclusion that no matter the “truth”, and no matter that he said it would be ok, the incident had forced the hand and it was over, once and for all. And my LS family was really helping me cope well, better than I ever could on my own. But it was the conversation with WiseOldAuntie that helped me see things in yet a different perspective. Knowing all the details as she does, she was adamant that there was no way something so stupid would change his feelings for me; he’s an extremely intelligent, emotional yet analytical man, and smart enough to realize the intention behind the infraction. She said that if he didn’t care for me all along, the way he appears to have, he wouldn’t still be here. That if he didn’t truly care for me, his anger over “the incident” would have rendered me completely dead in his book the day it happened, he would have told me so, and done he’d be. She said that he was likely hurt by the fact that it appeared I did not trust him by finding out what I did “behind his back” (her words, not his), and that he was taking his space to analyze the situation for what it was; that he was “still there”, and not to worry. She also said that I needed to take into account the two times before that we had split up because of his situation; both times, that he thought he was sure it was going as planned, and both times the plan backfiring at the hands of BabyMama; that he and I both suffered in those incidences, and he likely was making sure that he never caused me or himself that pain again. That he was avoiding predicting the future, making promises to both of us, that he could no longer be assured would come to fruition with any kind of certainty within a time frame that would be fair to us at this juncture. Her statements alone gave me instant peace; I know his heart and his mind, and I knew that she was right on the money.

 

Bear with me here, I can hear you hollering at the screen right now…

 

Saturday, Day 7 of NC, I decided that whether he was angry beyond forgiveness and was DONE with our relationship (whatever was left of it as is or what might have been in the future) or whether Auntie’s insight was correct, I had nothing to lose. So I texted him, just to ask how he was doing. I felt awful and crazy doing it, but the reply I received was not what I expected. It wasn’t syrupy or sappy, but smart and sensible; and knowing my great Stoic the way I do, the lightbulb switched on and his words were some of the sweetest he’s ever uttered to me. WiseOldAuntie was right on the money. The short version is that he’s exercising some serious self-control in an effort to protect both of our hearts. When he said what he did, and I pieced it together with WiseOldAuntie’s advice, a few more lightbulbs were illuminated. The first time we split up I enforced it; BabyMama was “going to be moving soon”, but in the mean time, while she was fully aware that he and I were seeing each other, she repeatedly foiled our attempts at anything normal or healthy and I just wasn’t interested in being party to this drama. He was just as crushed as I was. When he came back around many weeks later, he had a DATE some weeks out that she was going to be moving out of the house, therefore feeling confident that we would actually be able to be together proper, and though we both hesitated and went slow, the week before the big day we were right back in it, deeper than before. And, whadda ya know, the big day came and went, with her refusing to move for some fakokta reason, even after all the money had been spent and could not be recouped. DOUBLE WHAMMY. He was even more crushed this time than the last, and he couldn’t take the heartbreak he had caused me, because it just compounded his heartbreak. He cried to me, that it was excruciating to see me crying and in pain because of his inability to solve this issue. So, as I relived these two instances and all the particulars in my head, I understood completely what he’s now attempting to do. There is NO WAY in hell he’s going to allow something like this to happen again. He is strong and resolute in his belief that if we’re going to have any hope of being together, she has to be G-O-N-E (though not forever, of course I realize she’ll always be there because of the child, and I am well-prepared for that – regardless of her “craziness”, I still have a lot of respect for her for giving him that beautiful child, and I have witnessed that she is a really good mom to the kiddo, minus the abusive behavior that she displays to the father in the child’s presence, which if we’re lucky will subside once she’s out of the house). That until she’s completely moved out and they’ve re-worked their custody routine around her new job that requires her to travel a lot, he isn’t even going to entertain the idea of us and he certainly isn’t going to speculate about it inwardly or with me. He won’t even pretend that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, until he actually reaches said end of tunnel. I totally respect this about him, and realize that he is doing what is best for BOTH of us. He cares about me and is making sure that he doesn’t repeat past mistakes. Besides, he knows me and knows that if it ever happened again, I most likely wouldn’t hang around for a 4th go ‘round. I’ve already tolerated more than I EVER should have (totally my fault, too!). And he DOES know that I may be long gone when the opportunity eventually arises, but that’s the risk he has to take to care for me. I understand this sentiment completely, being a Mom myself who has to do a lot of things that I don’t necessarily like and that don’t feel good to do, but are in the best interest of my son.

 

So, after all of this realization, my clarity has me feeling completely at peace. I am FINE without him; I don’t even have the desire to talk to him right now. I don’t need to. I know he’s still “there”, and that if I really needed him for something (what that would be I can’t imagine, because I never needed him before I met him so what would I really, really honestly need him now?) he would be there for me in an instant. I haven’t left his heart, his desire for me is still as strong as ever, equal to my feelings for him.

 

So, the bottom line is this: I truly believe that some day, whenever it may be, we WILL have the opportunity to make a go at a REAL relationship. I will continue to live my life, take care of myself, do things that make me happy, and yes, I’ll even date. I can’t say my heart will always be in it, but the only entity who knows how my life will pan out is the big man in the sky, and there’s no way I can predict what he has in store for me; for all I know, I went through all of this so that I would be available to someone else equally as amazing or even more so, to enter my life. I’ll tell you what, if I had never met this man and seen so clearly the difference between what we had, and all the BS relationships I’ve had in the past that at the time I thought were so profound, I suspect I might never have noticed what it’s REALLY supposed to be like (aside from the “OW” factor, of course). So I guess you could say at the very least he’s opened my eyes to what I really want from a relationship, and for that I am grateful. In actuality, I’ve learned so much from him about so many things, not just relationships. He really is an amazing person, and I’m lucky to have him in my life, whatever the capacity. So when the day comes, and I know it will, that he comes to me free and ready to have the real relationship that we both want with each other, I will decide THEN whether it is something I still want. I can’t predict the future either, and I don’t want to.

 

Until then, I am content, peaceful and happy with me. Damn, it feels so good to say that and actually feel it, too. I never thought I would get here, and I can’t believe with as much as I was hurting, that it turned on a dime like it did. So, so happy with the way it turned out. Yaaaaaaaaaaaay meeeeeeee!

[blinded_27]

Hey INF...

 

Just curious how you've been doing since all of this?

 

I read this a couple of days ago and thought, "wow... she HAS to know that if he was as serious about her she thinks he is he would just suck it up and DO it already". I didn't reply originally for that reason, and because I didn't want to kill the high you were on... (I know posting here sometimes can do that lol)

 

Funny enough, I am now finding myself in a somewhat similar situation! MM and I had a very long talk last night. NC is very hard on us. It's virtually impossible because neither of us are ready to give up on each other, as crazy as it sounds. Right now after the talk we're in a place where the ball is in his court, much like your situation.

 

I've gathered up the courage to walk away and not see him at all until his feelings for her have changed, I become his only one, and he is able to present me with OFFICIAL separation papers to himself. But I feel okay with it, like yourself. I feel like I'm at peace. This time apart is time for him to make it right. And if he never returns, it's extra time for me to heal and become independent again at the very least.

 

So I'm just curious how you are feeling, if you still have that high, and peace and clarity, a whole two days later (cuz we ALL know here how much can change in even one day lol) just so I have an idea what to expect after this "enlightenment" so to speak hahah...

 

PS I just saw you were curious about what I had meant in your other thread when I said "I'm sure he feels the exact same way", yeah I totally meant that I'm sure he was just as hurt as you were, and still felt the same way you do about him. And I was right! Hope you're doing ok chika. *hugs*

Edited December 15, 2010 by blinded_27

[ItsNeverForever]

Hey INF...

 

Just curious how you've been doing since all of this?

 

I read this a couple of days ago and thought, "wow... she HAS to know that if he was as serious about her she thinks he is he would just suck it up and DO it already". I didn't reply originally for that reason, and because I didn't want to kill the high you were on... (I know posting here sometimes can do that lol)

 

Funny enough, I am now finding myself in a somewhat similar situation! MM and I had a very long talk last night. NC is very hard on us. It's virtually impossible because neither of us are ready to give up on each other, as crazy as it sounds. Right now after the talk we're in a place where the ball is in his court, much like your situation.

 

I've gathered up the courage to walk away and not see him at all until his feelings for her have changed, I become his only one, and he is able to present me with OFFICIAL separation papers to himself. But I feel okay with it, like yourself. I feel like I'm at peace. This time apart is time for him to make it right. And if he never returns, it's extra time for me to heal and become independent again at the very least.

 

So I'm just curious how you are feeling, if you still have that high, and peace and clarity, a whole two days later (cuz we ALL know here how much can change in even one day lol) just so I have an idea what to expect after this "enlightenment" so to speak hahah...

 

PS I just saw you were curious about what I had meant in your other thread when I said "I'm sure he feels the exact same way", yeah I totally meant that I'm sure he was just as hurt as you were, and still felt the same way you do about him. And I was right! Hope you're doing ok chika. *hugs*

 

 

Hi, Blinded - how are YOU? I hope today is a good day for you, not fraught with sad thoughts and wishes.

 

Re: the bolded part above - OF COURSE that thought was in the back of my mind all along, after the FIRST breakup that I initiated, bc I just couldn't believe he was letting her get in the way of us. You know, the whole "if you really want to do something, you just DO it" thing. But as things went on, and I learned more and more about the situation and how really jacked up it really is, I understand more so why he hasn't been able to fix it yet.

 

I am still doing ok, I guess...I did a dumb thing and looked at his picture yesterday. *sigh* I'm really missing him so, so very much. But I just have to remind myself that this is HIS SITUATION and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I'm grateful for what we DID have, and yes, I almost hate to say it, still hopeful for a future. But you know that the longer this "separation" goes on, the less hope I'll have. The only thing that gets me through (get this) is imagining that I AM HIM...to think what he's thinking. He studies philosophy and is very resolute in doing what is right and having self-control in order to carry it through. Pining or wallowing serves no purpose, and too much contact just makes progress all the more difficult and complicated, not to mention bringing up the emotions that lead to pining and wallowing. So, he will stay away, avoiding the pain, avoiding causing me pain, until everything is straightened out and we can have a chance at something REAL and HEALTHY without all of the drama and complications. I can almost channel him thinking these things and repeating them to himself for resolve. He is so darned adorable when he gets all deep like this. I know, I'm a tard. But it helps.

 

Thank you for understanding me and not judging me for not being so cut and dry with this situation. If he was married to her, I might be so B&W about it. Anyway, I <3 you, girl. Tell me how YOU are doing today...