AnchorGurl Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 Why does love have to be so painful sometimes? My boyfriend recently broke up with me, (about 2 months ago) and it's been one of the most challenging things I have had to ever go through. We were together only a year but, wow did I love that guy. Even before the breakup he needed "a break" twice before then. At one point he thought we were spending too much time together, another he needed some time alone. Each time I would give him what he needed but, sit home and cry and wonder if this was the last time but, we always got back together. Then the breakup where he basically told me we fight too much and it "wasn't going to work out". He was so cold and callous the way he did it too, just like he was talking about another thing to check off his to do list. I was very good at not contacting him, it was HIM doing all the contacting. He would text me that he misses me, he would text that he wanted to see me. He basically wanted us to "hang out" and see what happens. I couldn't believe that. I said to him, "so you want to have your cake and eat it too?" so you can have me and all the good parts but, not offer me a commitment? I refused to do that. I slipped only once and allowed him to come over and I ended up crying and sobbing after he left. I really could not "hang out with him" without knowing he was in my life and my boyfriend. I have never stopped loving him though and after his repeated texts I finally said to him, "If you want to hang out with me, we need to talk about our relationship and get back together or break up completely" This in-between gray area just isnt' fair to my heart. He is basically confused. He says he loves me and cares for me but, if he did I don't see why he wouldn't be trying harder to get back what we had. Then last night I stupidly allowed him to come over for dinner though I knew deep down it was a bad idea. We had dinner and then I lost it and started asking him "what he was doing with me?" and where his head is at. He said, he just wants to hang out and see what happens. I said, "I am sorry but, it hurts me every single time I see you--please either allow me to move on or lets talk and work this out"..he couldn't answer that. My question is..what to do? I love him so very much and want him back in my life so bad..but, how can I be with someone who isn't "sure" about me. It's not fair to myself or my heart..and as much as I love him I deserve more than that.
TheGrimSweeper Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 Stop seeing him and stop contacting him completely and try to start moving on. Its the only thing you can do, if he knows your just sitting there waiting and he can come back to you anytime he pleases then this BS is just going to continue. I realize its hard as hell to do, to go from talking to someone everyday to nothing, I'm in the same thing but you have to do it for yourself and he'll never get to see what hes missing if your still always there for them.
Author AnchorGurl Posted December 13, 2010 Author Posted December 13, 2010 You are completely right. I told him last night when he left, "Do NOT contact me ever again UNLESS you are thinking about getting back together" I am moving on with my life. Then I sat home and cried and cried but, deep down I know I cannot be USED like this. You either love someone and want to be with them or you dont...this in-between stuff is just not fair to do to someones heart.
Author AnchorGurl Posted December 13, 2010 Author Posted December 13, 2010 You are completely right. I told him last night when he left, "Do NOT contact me ever again UNLESS you are thinking about getting back together" I am moving on with my life. Then I sat home and cried and cried but, deep down I know I cannot be USED like this. You either love someone and want to be with them or you dont...this in-between stuff is just not fair to do to someones heart. I just really hope I am doing the right thing..I think in breakups we always cling to this hope..and it's so dang hard to think straight during a breakup too! I normally don't need validation that I am doing the right thing but, when it comes to matters of the heart...everything seems so hard.
angelboots Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 My ex was doing the same thing... the answer is he is still using you to stroke hes ego, he likes to know you still want him, he likes to know you are hurting, perhaps not in a mean and sadistic way, but its filling hes need for validation that he meant something to you. You need to go no contact, for your own heart to heal. Do not respond to anything unless he shows up at your door crying saying: "i made a huge mistake, you are the love of my life, i know i treated you like you were disposable and i am prepared to do what ever it takes to win you back for as long as it takes because i love you and there is nothing i wont do for you" But your head will be telling you that he will never do that, so dont hold your breath. He really does want to have hes cake and eat it too, same as my ex, the same as a lot of peoples ex's. but he wont admit that. He doesn't want you to move on completely until HE has at this point, and i am sure he is probably scouting for your replacement already and when he does find her you probably will find he will completely shut down on you and you might not hear from him.. he will just suddenly be gone. The fact he hasn't respected your request for not contact shows he doesn't respect you. My ex was exactly the same, together a year, he broke it off twice, last time he did it he keep coming and going, giving me hope then taking it away, I said nearly the exact same things you did and either got lame excuses or he changed the topic.. an excuse or change of topic means that what you are thinking is true but he doesn't want to admit it, anything with a "but" eg: "its not exactly that but.." means it IS exactly that... I am now 8 days no contact, though he did text me yesterday i didn't reply because i knew it wouldn't make feel any better, and this first week of no contact has really helped me start to heal, he is in my head less and less every day and the constant ache i felt no is only a dull stab if i think about him with someone else, which isn't often anymore. Trust your instincts here. You know what you need to do, taking the first step is just the hardest. Good luck xx
Author AnchorGurl Posted December 13, 2010 Author Posted December 13, 2010 Thank you so much AngelBoots! It helps so much to know I am not alone in this situation and you just gave me a huge boost of strength! You have no idea! Yes, you are completely right. He has no respect for my wishes and he is keeping me around to either make himself feel better about the whole thing or just keeping me around as a "just in case" girl. It's so crazy to me that he thinks he can play with my heart. A text here, a little contact here--I want to SCREAM at him and say "YOU BROKE UP WITH ME! I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS ..now leave me ALONE!" Even though I get small slivers of hope when he texts or messages me, I know that if he REALLY missed and wanted me back he would show up at my door admitting fault, asking for forgiveness and wanting to work things out. He has not done that at all so obviously he is confused as heck and wants to drag me along for the ride. It's not going to work anymore. Thank you again for ur kind words
Author AnchorGurl Posted December 18, 2010 Author Posted December 18, 2010 I keep getting texts from him every couple of days... I cannot for the life of me understand why he thinks is ok for us to simply "hang out". Today he says, "want to go get a Christmas tree?" I wrote back to him and said, "Look I cannot hang out with you as friends its too painful" He responded with "what is wrong with just hanging out?" Everytime he texts me it hurts and it's like a fresh wound. He has made no effort to get the relationship back which makes me thinks he really wants to have me but, not a relationship with me. Have his cake and eat it too. I think it's so selfish of him to not think about my feelings in all of this. Any suggestions or words of encouragement? could sure use some..
Hhhh Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 I keep getting texts from him every couple of days... I cannot for the life of me understand why he thinks is ok for us to simply "hang out". Today he says, "want to go get a Christmas tree?" I wrote back to him and said, "Look I cannot hang out with you as friends its too painful" He responded with "what is wrong with just hanging out?" Everytime he texts me it hurts and it's like a fresh wound. He has made no effort to get the relationship back which makes me thinks he really wants to have me but, not a relationship with me. Have his cake and eat it too. I think it's so selfish of him to not think about my feelings in all of this. Any suggestions or words of encouragement? could sure use some.. you shouldn't respond that will give him the right idea it isnt going to help just prolonging pain
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