OOReeee Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 Hey guys, hope your monday is going well. I need an advice. I've been seeing this girl for about a month. Both of us are 26, professionals. We've been having quite the excessive relationship. We saw each other every day, hung out a lot, spent the night at each others a lot, and verbally expressed our feelings a lot. I got really sick a few days ago, lost my voice, fever, all that nasty stuff. Despite that, I went out with her for stuff she wanted to do both wednesday and thursday night. on friday night I stayed at her place, but while she went out I couldn't, and I stayed home sick in bed. On saturday I was able to go out in the afternoon, but as the evening came I just felt horrible and told her I have to go to my own apartment to recover because I want to feel better. On sunday, she had her final show at her improv class, and although I really wanted to go, I knew it wasn't a good idea because I still felt like crap. I told her I want to go but she said I should sleep, and so I did. Afterwards I texted her "how was it?" and she texted back "good." I sensed something wasn't fine so I asked her what's up and she said she was really sad I didn't come and it would have meant a lot to her if I showed up. I texted her (I could still barely talk so I didn't want to call) that it's not fair for her to do that because she knows I was sick and I also wanted to go. Then she said "it's fine, good night" I said "want to hang out tomorrow night?" and she said "we'll see" I didn't want to cling but I decide to gchat her today to ask her how she is and she said she can't talk she's going to lunch (never happened before). I'm not quite sure what to do now, this whole thing has been kind of odd, especially because it turned form good to mysterious so quickly. Please help! Thanks!!!
refurb Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 Not a very mature girl. Sure she might be disappointed you couldn't come, but you were obviously very sick. She should kept her disappointment to herself. Maybe she's having doubts in general and this is just the tipping point/excuse? Either way, I would let her know you want to see her again and leave the rest up to her. RF
loverofloveandstuff Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 She sounds selfish and she doesn't really have a reason to be mad but I'm sure she'll get over it. Talk to her about it, that's what she wants. Call her up or show up at her house and tell her how upset you were that you couldn't make it, flowers wouldn't hurt either.
Stung Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 I would consider this a warning flag to you, that she is potentially both self-absorbed and rather passive-aggressive. Take note. It's possible, though, that she misunderstands how sick you really were, since you were still going out the days leading up to her show while saying you were sick then too. It's also possible that you misjudged how important her show was to her, since you seem to have been making an effort to get out and do other things. Keep in mind that it's been an intense few weeks but it has only been a few weeks. You two really don't know each other very well yet--and while sometimes things really do 'just click' and start out very strong, sometimes falling into a heavy relationship so fast is a sign of emotional imbalance, neediness, etc.
GooseChaser Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 (edited) Why is that so selfish of her? That show of hers was clearly a big deal to her. She seems to feel hurt and disappointed. She feels what she feels, and that is not wrong, though she could be more understanding of his sickness. I think you two can get through this. Maybe you guys just need to have a good talk when she's up to it. If she doesn't want to, though, you might just have to drop it and let her get over it on her own. Edited December 13, 2010 by GooseChaser
loverofloveandstuff Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 Why is that so selfish of her? How is it not selfish? She is only thinking about herself, her show and how he didn't see it. Rather than showing concern for her sick s/o she is acting life a selfish brat.
GooseChaser Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 How is it not selfish? She is only thinking about herself, her show and how he didn't see it. Rather than showing concern for her sick s/o she is acting like a selfish brat. First, this is such a young relationship-- one month. Perhaps she feels a bit insecure about the relationship and this event tugs at those insecurities. Second, everyone is "selfish" to some degree, and I think you guys are blowing this out of proportion. She's upset! Does she not have the right to her feelings? Those emotions are part of being human... and female. Ahaha. So she doesn't want to talk right now. Maybe she needs some time to herself, or maybe she wants to think. Is that wrong? Just giving an alternate perspective....
loverofloveandstuff Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 Is that wrong? I guess this kind of behaviour just pisses me off. You are too nice!
Star Gazer Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 The girl is being selfish. I totally understand her disappointment that he couldn't be there, but her irritation should be at his flu/sickness germs, not him.
GooseChaser Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 Haha. Well, I don't think this spells doom for the relationship just yet! OP, just let her cool down, and hopefully before too long she will be open to talking and listening to you. She has actually communicated important things: she told you how she feels. That's a start. Every relationship has its ups and downs. You seem to want to resolve the issue with her, so you're probably not aiming to end it just yet. Communication is really important, but so is taking each other's feelings into consideration. If you make an effort to understand how she feels, and communicate that understanding to her, maybe she would feel more secure and able to try to understand your point of view. Give her that opportunity. If she isn't willing to do that and proves that she only cares about her own feelings, that is when I would start to get concerned. If she gets over it, cheers up, and doesn't mention it again, that would probably be okay too, as long as she wasn't still sulking.
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 (edited) First, this is such a young relationship-- one month. Perhaps she feels a bit insecure about the relationship and this event tugs at those insecurities. Second, everyone is "selfish" to some degree, and I think you guys are blowing this out of proportion. She's upset! Does she not have the right to her feelings? Those emotions are part of being human... and female. Ahaha. So she doesn't want to talk right now. Maybe she needs some time to herself, or maybe she wants to think. Is that wrong? Just giving an alternate perspective.... I get what you are saying. But... her attitude and actions seem like they are passive aggressively seeking to punish him for getting sick. I can understand being sad about it, but she is actually trying to punish him. Yeah she might cool off later, however being a jerk about it is inexcusable. Edited December 13, 2010 by Untouchable_Fire
GooseChaser Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 I get what you are saying. But... her attitude and actions seem like they are passive aggressively seeking to punish him for getting sick. It's only been a few days. There's a good chance she'll come around. Maybe she needs this time to herself and she knows it. It's better to take a few days to clear the head than explode and say things that they'll regret later. I get what you're saying too, though. It's not the best reaction on her part to do the cold shoulder; it can be hurtful, and it wasn't his fault that he was sick.
mortensorchid Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 Sounds like a communication error to me. I'm sure that's nothing to be angry about, if you were sick, I'm sure she will understand eventually.
BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 You offered to hang out tomorrow, so don't call her between now and then and see what she does.
Futuregirl Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 (edited) You were sick.. she had an important event to go to. She was disappointed you didn't go... you're wondering if you did anything wrong. What if we flipped this?? What if you got mad at her for prioritizing her event over you and not dropping it to take care of you? If she can be mad you didn't go, you can be mad she didn't stay. Is she the only one who matters? She's being selfish and unreasonable. I agree that it looks like she could be punishing you and trying to gain control through passive aggression. I think it's good advice to watch out. If you can't even get sick and she can't even go to HER event herself without needing you to deplete yourself for it, that's a very bad sign. Not to mention what a short time you've been dating. Yikes I agree with everyone else. Don't call her, let her call you. Never reward behaviour you don't like or you'll get more of it. Edited December 13, 2010 by Futuregirl
daphne Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 I don't think you did anything wrong. Like the last poster, I don't think you should reward bad behavior. I was in teh same boat at around the same time period as you. I ended up being sick for a month, lost a week of work. But the guy got mad and passive aggressively punished me instead of trying to talk about it. We're not seeing each other anymore, and I'm kind of glad he showed me how selfish he was to begin with. He was sick the week before and even though I was disappointed and maybe wanted to be a brat, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, told him I hoped he felt better and we'd get together again when he felt better. So much for reciprocity. Back off and please don't chase. She has to learn to be responsible for her own disappointment when you've tried to apologize and let her know the extent of how bad you were feeling. You can't hand hold her into maturity and empathy. She needs to put her big girl pants on and realize it's not all about her. Just be sure to try to lead by example and be understanding of her disappointment if she does decide to talk about it. Just don't let her get away with making it your fault cos you can't help if you're sick.
hoping2heal Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I thought it was a little off when I heard you were out doing things she wanted, when you were sick. But, okay. However, I am really not a fan of the passive aggressive bull**** behavior. Telling you that you are sick and need to stay in and sleep, but then making you feel guilty about it? That's a pretty manipulative move. Being dissapointed is one thing, but **** happens and setting you up like that was just a crock. Was she just looking for an opportunity to make you feel guilty and like an ass?
Star Gazer Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Haha. Well, I don't think this spells doom for the relationship just yet!. I do. People put their best foot forward at the very beginning of a relationship. If she's like this now, she'll only get worse as she grows more comfortable and sees he'll tolerate it.
hoping2heal Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I do. People put their best foot forward at the very beginning of a relationship. If she's like this now, she'll only get worse as she grows more comfortable and sees he'll tolerate it. This Exactly The last thing you want is someone who pulls **** like that, it will make your life a living hell.
Futuregirl Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I do. People put their best foot forward at the very beginning of a relationship. If she's like this now, she'll only get worse as she grows more comfortable and sees he'll tolerate it. I agree. It's scary that she's already pulling this now.. but then again the sooner ppl show their colours the better.
reservoirdog1 Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I don't think you did anything wrong. Like the last poster, I don't think you should reward bad behavior. I was in teh same boat at around the same time period as you. I ended up being sick for a month, lost a week of work. But the guy got mad and passive aggressively punished me instead of trying to talk about it. We're not seeing each other anymore, and I'm kind of glad he showed me how selfish he was to begin with. He was sick the week before and even though I was disappointed and maybe wanted to be a brat, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, told him I hoped he felt better and we'd get together again when he felt better. So much for reciprocity. Back off and please don't chase. She has to learn to be responsible for her own disappointment when you've tried to apologize and let her know the extent of how bad you were feeling. You can't hand hold her into maturity and empathy. She needs to put her big girl pants on and realize it's not all about her. Just be sure to try to lead by example and be understanding of her disappointment if she does decide to talk about it. Just don't let her get away with making it your fault cos you can't help if you're sick. THIS. You've apologized (though you did nothing wrong, but anyway...). Leave the ball in her court -- don't chase her. Let her contact YOU next. There's a limit to how much of her hurt she can reasonably inflict on you in this situation. You pushed yourself, pushed yourself, did things when you were sick, and then you lost your voice and couldn't make her show. Sounds to me like you more than made an effort for her. Sorry to say, but if she continues to be pissy and petulant over this, and if it doesn't blow over (and, I'm tempted to say, if she doesn't start showing a bit of contrition for being selfish over this), I'd be tempted to deep six her.
Author OOReeee Posted December 14, 2010 Author Posted December 14, 2010 *update* She texted me yesterday, never apologized or anything but we were able to have a normal conversation for the most part. I was out with my friend who came in for the night and she was in class. When her class ended she said she's heading home and I am welcome to come. I said okay and showed up to her already in bed. I think I should have said I'll stay home but I kinda wanted to get this thing over with. Anyway, she was half asleep, we talked a little, and she was distant as she ever was. I felt like I wasn't there and neither was she. There was almost no instant or recollection of what we had only a few days before. I was upset and wanted to go home but it was late and snowing and freezing so I decided to stay. Throughout the night she kinda got closer but not too much, and I could barely sleep (and had 3 nightmares, but that's a different story). Waking up in the morning wasn't the same either. I think that both of us just kind of got on each other's nerves, after being together for about a month straight, it was bound to happen, and we are phasing out of the honeymoon stage. The question is, what to do now? I still like her, although I am concerned with her unfair and passive aggressive behavior and afraid it will get worse. We are very compatible and in days unlike the last 3, we got along great. I enjoy having her in my life but I don't want to chase her, I've done that before, but I'm afraid that either chasing her or somewhat ignoring her or not paying as much attention as I did before would keep her away for me.
elaina Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 *update* She texted me yesterday, never apologized or anything but we were able to have a normal conversation for the most part. I was out with my friend who came in for the night and she was in class. When her class ended she said she's heading home and I am welcome to come. I said okay and showed up to her already in bed. I think I should have said I'll stay home but I kinda wanted to get this thing over with. Anyway, she was half asleep, we talked a little, and she was distant as she ever was. I felt like I wasn't there and neither was she. There was almost no instant or recollection of what we had only a few days before. I was upset and wanted to go home but it was late and snowing and freezing so I decided to stay. Throughout the night she kinda got closer but not too much, and I could barely sleep (and had 3 nightmares, but that's a different story). Waking up in the morning wasn't the same either. I think that both of us just kind of got on each other's nerves, after being together for about a month straight, it was bound to happen, and we are phasing out of the honeymoon stage. The question is, what to do now? I still like her, although I am concerned with her unfair and passive aggressive behavior and afraid it will get worse. We are very compatible and in days unlike the last 3, we got along great. I enjoy having her in my life but I don't want to chase her, I've done that before, but I'm afraid that either chasing her or somewhat ignoring her or not paying as much attention as I did before would keep her away for me. ahh I'm sorry. That's so disappointing. I think if this relationship is going to go forward, ya'll really need to talk about the sickness thing and how both of you felt, and get that air all clear and sweet again, but that might not happen. I think it'd be good for you to bring it up next time, and if the atmosphere gets worse instead of cleaner, it is probably best to let each other go.
daphne Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 If you really like this girl, you might want to sit her down and just talk about it. Communication can bring good things. Maybe gently let her know how you feel about the situation (that's she's being a douchebag... jk don't say that) and how you feel like she's not empathizing with your illness. Try using non inflammatory words and if she's still being a brat, you may want to keep moving. We all have to learn things in life and if she's not willing to learn how to be in an adult relationship, you will have to dodge her wrath more frequently. Again the adage, we teach people how to treat us.
AverageJoe Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 If you really like this girl, you might want to sit her down and just talk about it. Communication can bring good things. Maybe gently let her know how you feel about the situation (that's she's being a douchebag... jk don't say that) and how you feel like she's not empathizing with your illness. Try using non inflammatory words and if she's still being a brat, you may want to keep moving. We all have to learn things in life and if she's not willing to learn how to be in an adult relationship, you will have to dodge her wrath more frequently. Again the adage, we teach people how to treat us. That is very "Dear Abby" of you, but I disagree. Op should stop all contact and go on about biz as usual. You have better things to do than be concerned with a brat. If she likes him, she will come around. Dial the next number on the pecking list.
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