Dating and living in NYC?

[pandagirl]

Again this is just out of my own circle, but my "creative-type intellectual" friends are usually pretty passive-aggressive in certain regards. Very avoidant of conflict to the point where they'll just shut people out. Some appear rather aimless in their dating desires, as if they don't really know what they're after. Goals are fairly vague on the whole in other facets of life.

 

Your best bet, in my opinion, is to find someone very left-brained but with a creative flair. Lots of fun to be around, and yet they're usually much more logical and open in their communication style.

 

Oh dear, are you serious? You pretty much described every guy I've dated! Especially the architect I just broke up with, he was HIGHLY avoidant of conflict and him shutting me out pretty much was the reason we broke up.

 

Who is very left-brained with a creative flair? That's the thing, I thought architects WERE that type.

Edited December 15, 2010 by pandagirl

[refurb]

Haha, strange you mention this. Out of my circle of friends and acquaintances, the designers/architects/musicians/writers are probably the worst when it comes to relationship history.

 

I was JUST going to say this.

 

You may be picking people for qualities you find interesting, but are also held by people who aren't commitment minded.

 

RF

[refurb]

Who is very left-brained with a creative flair? That's the thing, I thought architects WERE that type.

 

Scientists! Although I know plenty of those with qualities that aren't very relationship friendly.

 

I'm similar to Pandagirl in that I find the artsy/creative types really interesting, but I've yet to meet one that wasn't so much of a "free spirit" that they were interested in a commitment.

 

RF

[pandagirl]

Scientists! Although I know plenty of those with qualities that aren't very relationship friendly.

 

I'm similar to Pandagirl in that I find the artsy/creative types really interesting, but I've yet to meet one that wasn't so much of a "free spirit" that they were interested in a commitment.

 

RF

 

I hardly consider architects and designers as flakey artsy types though!

[refurb]

I hardly consider architects and designers as flakey artsy types though!

 

Meh... it's a generalization, but you know the type. People who are much more emotional than logical. I don't necessarily think it's that linked with career, but you tend to see some correlation.

 

Either extreme is not relationship-friendly. You need balance!

 

I was dating a girl this summer who was very emotion-driven. A ton of fun to be around, very attractive, but obvious any relationship with her would be drama filled.

 

RF

[pandagirl]

Meh... it's a generalization, but you know the type. People who are much more emotional than logical. I don't necessarily think it's that linked with career, but you tend to see some correlation.

 

Either extreme is not relationship-friendly. You need balance!

 

I was dating a girl this summer who was very emotion-driven. A ton of fun to be around, very attractive, but obvious any relationship with her would be drama filled.

 

RF

 

I've found the opposite actually. My ex (the architect) was extremely logical.

 

But, yes, a balance is best!

[pandagirl]

I agree with the OP. Ive been here for 2 yrs and im dating someone now and its going well but im not getting my hopes up. Its been 4 months which is a record. Ive contemplated moving as well but I have a new job starting soon so it'll probably get worse. Less time to date as I get older and older.

 

Sadly, 4 months IS a long time to date in the city!

 

How old are you?

[Sanman]

I definitely agree that creative professionals can be the 'artsy' type and that this can come with a very loose set of life goals and a very casual view towards commitment. I have dated many women with these qualities as I am much more logical and they bring out my fun side. However, I have realized with it is too casual for me. I am 5 months into my current relationship (3 months exclusive) with a woman who very emotion driven and looking for commitment. I thought that might be the answer, but that has led to me being called uncommitted for not being willing to move in with her and introduce her to my parents already. You would think an attractive, late 20's, professional guy in NYC who is looking for a serious relationship with 1-2 years of building a relationship and then a serious commitment would be able to find someone. But, the truth is that I think NYC always has too many other shiny things for men and women.

 

I definitely miss the grittier side of NYC. Having grown up here that is the NYC I long for. I have found myself more comfortable in Downtown Brooklyn or Astoria compared to Manhattan recently. Alphabet city or Harlem maybe the exceptions.

Edited December 15, 2010 by Sanman

[xpaperxcutx]

What was NYC like pre- Giuliani?

 

If every girl is trying to be like Carrie Bradshaw, then every guy wishes to be Mr. Big. Or at least as rich and successful as him.

 

In terms of substance, I can't ever bring myself to date a musician or an artist. They're both wishy- washy in terms of the future. There will always be the dreams of making it big but half the time, the few aesthetic seekers I came across are downright talentless. For example, the first and last musician I dated wanted to be freaking metal god, playing and living in sin. All he had for himself was a guitar and a band- in-progress. Last time I heard of him, he's still bumming around trying to get a decent gig.

[Woggle]

Here are a few videos of the old New York

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zYsfQV5EPYo

 

 

 

 

Also check out a decumentary called NY77 The Coldest Year in Hell.

 

You might think I am nuts for missing this but native New Yorkers will understand perfectly.

[VertexSquared]

Oh dear, are you serious? You pretty much described every guy I've dated! Especially the architect I just broke up with, he was HIGHLY avoidant of conflict and him shutting me out pretty much was the reason we broke up.

 

Who is very left-brained with a creative flair? That's the thing, I thought architects WERE that type.

 

I'd say my more immediate circle of friends would be a good example of this, but there is a risk. Many of my closer friends are finance/computer-science/law/medical types. But even out of that circle, you WILL find those who are CONSTANTLY working and simply can't commit to a serious relationship, or you'll find the overly logical types who aren't really in touch with their creative/emotional sides. Or you'll run into the hyperintroverts who don't know how to communicate.

 

This is one of the main reasons I went into online dating. I didn't want to date the aimless, avoidant creative type, but I didn't want the accountant major/ibanking chick who was too busy to be in a relationship or wasn't able to commit. I looked for people who worked in the same area I did with comparable work hours, and yet I wanted people who clearly displayed evidence of creative flair. Personally, even though I am a finance/CS type, I love language, creating art, design, composing music, reading, etc, and I wanted someone who was equally eclectic.

 

But it's really hard to find those types of people through bars or through low-probability channels such as friends-of-friends, especially if that linkage isn't likely to exist (e.g. if it's not likely that your friends are going to be friends with the types of people you actually want to date).

 

Besides, I usually find that the most creative people AREN'T necessarily the ones who do it for a living -- it's the ones who love it so much that they don't want to turn it into a work-grind where they ultimately lose their passions for such things. So I think it's better to aim for the well-communicated, articulate science-types with lots of side passions and goals.

 

Anyways, that's just me talking. I don't truly know what kind of guy you want, but I can tell you that he definitely exists here in NYC... you just have to know where to look and what to look for!

Edited December 15, 2010 by VertexSquared

[tincanman99]

Now to be fair, not ALL people here are like that. Not at all. I tend not to hang out in that kind of crowd. I'm much more of a downtown/Brooklyn kind of girl... dive bars, no velvet ropes.

 

I think the main thing is that no one has TIME to get to know each other or to commit to ANYTHING. We're a very me-focused type of person. I swear, people here are the most non-commitment minded people ever!

 

I think I've just outgrown that lifestyle at this point in my life, which is why I'm complaining about the dating scene here. haha.

 

Are you a Williamsburg hipster ? That might be a problem .....

[pandagirl]

I'd say my more immediate circle of friends would be a good example of this, but there is a risk. Many of my closer friends are finance/computer-science/law/medical types. But even out of that circle, you WILL find those who are CONSTANTLY working and simply can't commit to a serious relationship, or you'll find the overly logical types who aren't really in touch with their creative/emotional sides. Or you'll run into the hyperintroverts who don't know how to communicate.

 

The thing is, I don't think it matters what profession you are in or what career path one follows, the bolded above is what I can't get away from! Guys are either one or all of the above of the things you listed.

 

Are you a Williamsburg hipster ? That might be a problem .....

 

Haha. NO!

[xpaperxcutx]

Actually, wouldn't noncommital guys be the easier ones to weed out? Think speed dating for a second. If instead of asking about their hobbies and professions and jumping straight into asking " What is it you're looking for?"/" Do you plan to date long-term?", wouldn't these questions draw out their true intentions in a heartbeat? I think it's a really good thing to learn to read people and separate the truthful from the liars.

 

The important thing you can do is find like- minded people. You have to ask the right questionss and expect the right answers.

[xpaperxcutx]

I'd say my more immediate circle of friends would be a good example of this, but there is a risk. Many of my closer friends are finance/computer-science/law/medical types. But even out of that circle, you WILL find those who are CONSTANTLY working and simply can't commit to a serious relationship, or you'll find the overly logical types who aren't really in touch with their creative/emotional sides. Or you'll run into the hyperintroverts who don't know how to communicate.

 

This is one of the main reasons I went into online dating. I didn't want to date the aimless, avoidant creative type, but I didn't want the accountant major/ibanking chick who was too busy to be in a relationship or wasn't able to commit. I looked for people who worked in the same area I did with comparable work hours, and yet I wanted people who clearly displayed evidence of creative flair. Personally, even though I am a finance/CS type, I love language, creating art, design, composing music, reading, etc, and I wanted someone who was equally eclectic.

 

But it's really hard to find those types of people through bars or through low-probability channels such as friends-of-friends, especially if that linkage isn't likely to exist (e.g. if it's not likely that your friends are going to be friends with the types of people you actually want to date).

 

Besides, I usually find that the most creative people AREN'T necessarily the ones who do it for a living -- it's the ones who love it so much that they don't want to turn it into a work-grind where they ultimately lose their passions for such things. So I think it's better to aim for the well-communicated, articulate science-types with lots of side passions and goals.

 

Anyways, that's just me talking. I don't truly know what kind of guy you want, but I can tell you that he definitely exists here in NYC... you just have to know where to look and what to look for!

 

Vertex, I agree with the bolded paragraph. I also find that those who pursue their hobbies are naturally ones who are passionate compared to those who have " creative" jobs.

[VertexSquared]

Actually, wouldn't noncommital guys be the easier ones to weed out? Think speed dating for a second. If instead of asking about their hobbies and professions and jumping straight into asking " What is it you're looking for?"/" Do you plan to date long-term?", wouldn't these questions draw out their true intentions in a heartbeat? I think it's a really good thing to learn to read people and separate the truthful from the liars.

 

The important thing you can do is find like- minded people. You have to ask the right questionss and expect the right answers.

 

I largely agree, but I feel like guys up front will often say that they're after something serious but are quick to flee/shut out/"change their minds" shortly down the road. It's a problem of emotional honesty. I know plenty of people who convince themselves that they are ready to settle down, but then they get cold feet and start distancing themselves.

[pandagirl]

Actually, wouldn't noncommital guys be the easier ones to weed out? Think speed dating for a second. If instead of asking about their hobbies and professions and jumping straight into asking " What is it you're looking for?"/" Do you plan to date long-term?", wouldn't these questions draw out their true intentions in a heartbeat? I think it's a really good thing to learn to read people and separate the truthful from the liars.

 

The important thing you can do is find like- minded people. You have to ask the right questionss and expect the right answers.

 

I think I am pretty good at reading people's true intentions. I don't think I've ever gotten duped by a guy. But also, people can be confusing, they can say they are looking for a long-term relationship, but not really mean it.

 

My general rule of thumb is, if they seem really into me, I'm good to go. If they are wishy-washy and lukewarm, then it's obvious things are going to burn out pretty fast.

 

And that's where I DO get duped. I've dated guys where they seem very much into me, then all of the sudden dump me.

 

And, one last thought, maybe I AM the problem! lol.

[pandagirl]

QUESTION:

 

Should I not date a man whose main priority in life is his career?

[VertexSquared]

My general rule of thumb is, if they seem really into me, I'm good to go. If they are wishy-washy and lukewarm, then it's obvious things are going to burn out pretty fast.

 

And that's where I DO get duped. I've dated guys where they seem very much into me, then all of the sudden dump me.

 

^This is almost exactly what my own girlfriend told me once about herself.

 

My girlfriend, in her experience, was usually the one that got dumped, even though she's very intelligent, emotional, driven in her career, giving/empathetic, sexually adventurous, etc. Her relationships would fizzle out anywhere from 2-7 months, and I could never figure out why until I actually looked into her exes. Almost every single one of them was a clear mismatch in some profound way.

 

QUESTION:

 

Should I not date a man whose main priority in life is his career?

 

No, in my opinion. If a guy hardly has time/energy for you, it's going to be really difficult to have a deeper, more meaningful relationship.

[pandagirl]

^This is almost exactly what my own girlfriend told me once about herself.

 

My girlfriend, in her experience, was usually the one that got dumped, even though she's very intelligent, emotional, driven in her career, giving/empathetic, sexually adventurous, etc. Her relationships would fizzle out anywhere from 2-7 months, and I could never figure out why until I actually looked into her exes. Almost every single one of them was a clear mismatch in some profound way.

 

I admit, I have a tendency to put on blinders, because I tend to focus on the good things, and play down the mismatches. I need to get over that idea that love will conquer all. Even though I intellectually know that is completely untrue, I tend to give my all to the wrong guys.

 

 

No, in my opinion. If a guy hardly has time/energy for you, it's going to be really difficult to have a deeper, more meaningful relationship.

 

So when my ex told me, "My career is my number one priority," I probably should've listened. haha.

[VertexSquared]

I admit, I have a tendency to put on blinders, because I tend to focus on the good things, and play down the mismatches. I need to get over that idea that love will conquer all. Even though I intellectually know that is completely untrue, I tend to give my all to the wrong guys.

 

Do you feel like you can't do better than the guys you date? Are you a secure/insecure person?

[pandagirl]

Do you feel like you can't do better than the guys you date? Are you a secure/insecure person?

 

OK. Well, now this is going into some deeper crap. haha.

 

The truth: yes, I am a pretty secure person, but I have a problem accepting love from people, in general. Like, it's hard for me to really believe people when they say they love or care about me. It makes me somewhat uncomfortable. I guess, even though I'm very caring and compassionate, I am also very guarded.

[xpaperxcutx]

QUESTION:

 

Should I not date a man whose main priority in life is his career?

 

I see it as 50-50. Career is important, but there are also the few men who can juggle work and relationships. I tend to think those who are career obsessed are emotionally detached. If a guy is happy where he is, why can't he balance being with someone and doing 9 to 5?

[pandagirl]

I see it as 50-50. Career is important, but there are also the few men who can juggle work and relationships. I tend to think those who are career obsessed are emotionally detached. If a guy is happy where he is, why can't he balance being with someone and doing 9 to 5?

 

Yup. Emotionally detached. That was my insane ambitious ex!

[sully737]

I wont lie. Im a gal, planning on moving to NYC from Boston this spring, Brooklyn in particular... and being a 25 year old single social worker, this post is scarring the shiz outta me!