Dating and living in NYC?

[pandagirl]

After living here for 10 years, I have to admit, NYC is bringing me down.

 

10 years, and not one really serious relationship (barring my last, which was long-distance). Sure, flings and the such... but meaningful relationships. NO.

 

Sadly, this is a very common thing here: being perpetually single. I know so many attractive, smart, intelligent women who CANNOT find a good man to be in a relationship with, despite dating a lot, putting themselves out there, online dating, etc.

 

I guess, I just want to see who here lives in NYC, and their experience with dating and relationships here.

[xpaperxcutx]

My belief system- If I ever get married in New York, I will most likely get divorced in New York.

 

The dating scene is brutal in the city no doubt, you're always being based on your social status than on your character.

 

Also, the city is made up of people from out of town, who moved here because of work. Do you actually think anyone will consider actually " settling" when they can play until retirement?

[Girlygirl1977]

I think papercut is right to an extent but also I think she is in her early 20s and I'm in my early 30s. I've moved outside of NY and lived in a couple of cities.

 

I think it is hard to date here bc people have so many options - paradox of choice (less is more). So that along with the fact people come here to achieve. I do think early 20s are generally meant for play and so it will be even more evident for paper. I will say that after college I met my first long-term bf at work in NY when I had a job which had me in the office all the time. That lasted 2.5yrs and he even moved and we were long distance till the end when I also moved.

 

People settle down later in NY than elsewhere. People I see getting marreid met outside of NY and moved here together, met online, were lucky to meet at friend's parties, setups etc. I see less of the meeting on the street, grocery store, gym but that also happens. My current friends who have gotten married or in long relationships seem to be meeting mroe people online (bc we have a lot of density here). I also notice that everyone I know over 30 has tried online or is doing it now. It is bc the dynamics of NY (soo many people , dense, but also difficult to meet people).

 

So it isn't impossible but you have to get out - get activities - do everything. I use the saying the odds are good but the goods are odd. . .

 

I think you can move but usually if you move with dating in mind it may work against you. I also think the population of singles can go down dramatically depending on the city size and age people get married so as you get older it can be trickier. Lastly, if you have a good social circle that's what helps you meet more people (parties, events you are invited to). So it makes sense to increase that social circle and keep meeting more people vs just trying to find potential partners (so alumni activities, sporting groups etc.).

[pandagirl]

Girlygirl, I'm in my early 30s, too.

 

I know PLENTY of married people my age, but strangely, they all met when they were a lot younger (25 and under) and got married in their 30s.

 

I will agree that NYC is probably the easiest place to MEET people. It's not at all odd to be single in your 30s here. I've tried online dating, but even when I date men my own age, it's still kind of the same thing: none of them are truly ready for a serious relationship.

 

Everyone is moving so fast, focused on their careers... basically -- and I don't mean this in a bad way -- selfish. New Yorkers are a selfish breed, because we kind of have to be. We have to look out for ourselves, or we won't get ahead. We're always looking for the next best apartment, the better job, the newest restaurant, etc.

 

But honestly, I'm just not like that. I never have been, and maybe that's why I haven't figured out dating here.

[ginastar]

hey panda,

im 29, single, and in NY.

How old r u?

we should go out together and find us some hot men, lol

[Sanman]

Well, I'm a guy who is serious about a relationship and I live in NYC. Having lived in several different places, I can say that NYC is the opposite of many places. I usually have a hard time finding a person I like and stick with that relationship. However, in NYC, I find many people with which I could see a future. However, most are mainly focused on their career and I am focused on mine. Many have hopes of graduate school and leaving the city, while I plan on staying as I grew up here. That is the way it goes. The big issue on either side becomes that there are so many people that every time there is a relationship problem, there is the temptation to start something new and maybe better rather than working things out. Everyone seems replaceable in NYC.

[pandagirl]

Well, I'm a guy who is serious about a relationship and I live in NYC. Having lived in several different places, I can say that NYC is the opposite of many places. I usually have a hard time finding a person I like and stick with that relationship. However, in NYC, I find many people with which I could see a future. However, most are mainly focused on their career and I am focused on mine. Many have hopes of graduate school and leaving the city, while I plan on staying as I grew up here. That is the way it goes. The big issue on either side becomes that there are so many people that every time there is a relationship problem, there is the temptation to start something new and maybe better rather than working things out. Everyone seems replaceable in NYC.

 

Yeah, this seems to be my experience, too. ALL those variables you mention makes it hard to find somewhere here.

[waynebrady]

You are a woman. Getting into relationships is much easier for you then it is for guys.

 

Women really have no right to complain about not finding a partner, since you don't actually put in any effort or take any initatives to get one.

[VertexSquared]

That's a pretty unfair generalization, WB.

[pandagirl]

You are a woman. Getting into relationships is much easier for you then it is for guys.

 

Women really have no right to complain about not finding a partner, since you don't actually put in any effort or take any initatives to get one.

 

Yeah, yeah, yeah... go back to your bitter den.

[waynebrady]

That's a pretty unfair generalization, WB.

 

In what way? Women don't take any initatives or trys to go after a man ever... So how could they complain about not getting in to a relationship? It's like complaining about not finding a job when you don't even try and just sits at home all day instead.

[pandagirl]

In what way? Women don't take any initatives or trys to go after a man ever... So how could they complain about not getting in to a relationship? It's like complaining about not finding a job when you don't even try and just sits at home all day instead.

 

Dude, did you not read my original post? I state how I have dated a lot, but I can't find a committed relationship.

[tincanman99]

I am a guy and can say for a fact that finding someone in NYC is tough. I live in the burbs outside of NYC and wont do it because its just a hassle from the moment you step into the moment you leave.

 

First thing to realize is that NYC is about the $$$, pure and simple. The whole town revolves around $$$ and Wall Street. Everything is crazy expensive. As my friend says, the meter starts running from the moment you step into the city.

 

Many, many people are totally focused on their careers to the detriment of everything else. This goes hand in hand with the first item above of $$$ running everything here.

 

I think people have options and lots of them. Both men and women. I have repeatedly read that the women outnumber the men. NOt sure its true but I do know there are good looking people of both sexes all over the place.

 

From what I have seen in the city the women can have as many boyfriends as they desire albeit 1 or 6 (dont laugh but I dated a girl who was dating 6 guys simultaneously. I have no idea to this day how she juggled us all).

 

I think if you are guy you can have lots of options as well providing you have the rap and the $$.

 

I joined a dinner club in the city about a year ago but did not go on a single dinner over the one year period I belonged. The club told me they were begging for single men like me to come.

 

The reason is that supposedly guys like me (stable, mostly sane , in good shape and supposedly not bad looking ) are in huge demand by women in the city, though I am not sure its true. I went to the intro event and though the women were pleasant and attractive enough it turned me off. It felt like I was in an episode of Sex & The City . No thanks, thats not my style.

 

Its that whole NYC thing...

[NYCGirly]

NYC dater here. I'm in my late 20s and completely agree with paper and panda. It's insanely difficult to date in NYC- actually I take that back. Dating is easy, finding a meaningful long lasting relationship is what's difficult. I have put myself out there in many ways (speed dating, blind dates, meeting people in bars, online dating, etc) and have yet to have a single serious relationship in this city.

 

I'm attractive, in shape, and have a good job. In any other city (and I've lived in a bunch), I'd never have this problem. My problems came as soon as I moved back home to NYC after college and grad school. People are constantly looking for the next best thing. They figure, it's NYC so their options are limitless. They feel they don't have to settle or compromise on anything because they can go out and find someone else in one night. Basically, everyone is disposable here.

 

This is why I don't plan on finding my mate in this city- I'm in the process of moving because this city is ridiculous when it comes to dating.

[mo mo]

Yeaa I have lived in the NYC area all my life. From what I have noticed the problem isn't that there aren't enough single and looking people out there, it's that there are WAY TOO MANY

 

Like, why would I settle for this one chick that's talking to me at the club when a cuter chick is staring me down across the club? Why settle for her when her friend is cuter??? Etc.

 

The city's culture is also somewhat oppressive. It's expensive to live out here and social status is very important to a lot of folks. It's too bad because a lot of very good people go unnoticed.

[Woggle]

I grew up in NYC and while it used to be very down to earth despite it's many problems it has turned into a playground for the rich yuppies who have an endless sense of entitlement. No matter what gender you are finding a good relationship is very hard. I go there and I mourn the place I used to love.

[U1987]

After living here for 10 years, I have to admit, NYC is bringing me down.

 

10 years, and not one really serious relationship (barring my last, which was long-distance). Sure, flings and the such... but meaningful relationships. NO.

 

ATLEAST you're getting flings! Why can't you appreciate that?

[pandagirl]

Well, though these findings aren't surprising, it does comfort me that other people are having the same issues, and it's not just me!

 

I know tons of people who are married and everything, so it's not like it doesn't happen, but I'd say among my circle of friends it's about 50/50 of attached to single people, and I'm 32.

 

NYC is all about keeping moving, never stopping, so it makes sense this mentality lends itself to relationships too.

 

Every guy I've met has been a total mess. It's not like they're jerks or anything, but they're either terrified of settling down or looking for the next best thing. My last ex was totally in love with me, but of course, his career took priority over the relationship.

 

Sigh.

[pandagirl]

This is why I don't plan on finding my mate in this city- I'm in the process of moving because this city is ridiculous when it comes to dating.

 

Where are you planning on moving to?

[xpaperxcutx]

Well, though these findings aren't surprising, it does comfort me that other people are having the same issues, and it's not just me!

 

I know tons of people who are married and everything, so it's not like it doesn't happen, but I'd say among my circle of friends it's about 50/50 of attached to single people, and I'm 32.

 

NYC is all about keeping moving, never stopping, so it makes sense this mentality lends itself to relationships too.

 

Every guy I've met has been a total mess. It's not like they're jerks or anything, but they're either terrified of settling down or looking for the next best thing. My last ex was totally in love with me, but of course, his career took priority over the relationship.

 

Sigh.

 

I'm in my early 20s and I have that same mindset. It's really weird too, since I always thought I wouldn't be part of the shallow club, but NYC does have more options in terms of looks and status. For every guy that may or may not come along, I always tend to think there must be someone better out there. It is this exact mindset that makes it hard for me to settle. I don't imagine it hard for other people to feel the same.

[Mad Max]

I grew up in Montréal and now live in New York. In big cities, it's certainly much easier to date because the population is much higher compared to other cities. Notice I said dating is easier. Relationships are still equally as difficult.

[pandagirl]

That's the thing: I don't think I am a "next best thing" sort of gal. When I find someone that I really like, I just stick with them. Which is probably why I'm the one who is always dumped.

 

But, seriously, out of my group of friends here, women in the age range of 28-33, three are married, and the rest are single. I can easily count 10 single women over 30 who are successful, intelligent, funny, and very attractive, and despite going out a lot and being social, meeting men, going on dates, etc. they all have not been in a relationship for YEARS.

 

One friend just moved back home. She was single for the last three years despite dating A LOT. She is very beautiful, so she had no shortage of men wanting to date her, but they all eventually broke up with her for whatever reason after a couple of months. Just a month back in her hometown, she landed herself a legit boyfriend! She said it wasn't until she left NYC that she realized how alpha and selfish the men were in NY.

[welikeincrowds]

This is exactly what happens when everything you think is important has been made into a commodity.

 

This thread is making me angry. I'm sure it has a lot to do with what's going on in my life right now.

 

I feel that anyone with this sentiment is part of the problem. The focus is on the relationship and not the person. We greatly exaggerate what we decide is "better" or "worse" in people. We know that difference between "attractive" and "unattractive" is a few centimeters in the eyes, a slightly more compressed wavelength of light to change the pigment in the face; I live off the train that has this letter, I live off the train that has that letter; I like to stay in and read books, I like to stay out and go to shows. The differences are so subtle, and yet that's all we focus on, because it's all we have; we can objectify them into a shopping list, and now we're "principled," now we have "needs"; we pick and squeeze people like produce from a grocery store; and we're back in a week, and wouldn't you know, the fruit is the same. This is not the way to live a meaningful life. People here are confused, and they're reckless in their confusion. They do things with money and people as though there are no consequences, and the only way to cooperate is to play along, and reject all notion of consequence yourself.

[yah]

I moved away from NYC 3 years ago and I'm glad I did. Life is way less stressful now. I tend to think NYC = good for dating but people there don't usually settle down until much later. Afterall, it takes longer to establish yourself and there's so much to "play" with, why settle anytime soon?

[welikeincrowds]

Wow, what the **** am I even talking about. Forget I said anything, I'm just stressed out right now.