Stress/sadness is overwhelming and I don't want to do something stupid

[sweetjasmine]

The chance of me getting into an accident is practically non-existent.

 

I find it interesting that you're terrified of the thought that you might have cancer and not know it, but you think insurance coverage for catastrophic medical problems is a waste of money.

 

I am just kicking myself because I know it'll almost certainly be a waste.

 

If you don't go in for your check-ups and still worry about your health anyway, then, yes, you will have flushed your money down the toilet.

[Mme. Chaucer]

All of your dead - end, "no way out" thinking is just more symptoms of depression.

 

I have sympathy and compassion for you because as I said, I have been there. But after all is said and done, you are going to have to face the truth that your thinking is wrong, now. You need help to get out of your black hole, and if you refuse to turn over some of your certainty that you're "right" you are going to continue to be stuck.

 

My advice? Quit thinking about all of it. Acknowledge all that's going on within you emotionally as well as repetitively ruminating on the difficult hand you feel life has dealt you as BACKGROUND NOISE. You are not likely to be figuring anything out to make you happier when you are having such tunnel vision.

 

Simply get an appointment with a GP as soon as you can. Tell them that you are in a black hole and you've been contemplating the end of your life, and that you need help with that. Follow where this leads you. It won't be worse than it is now.

[VertexSquared]

I find it interesting that you're terrified of the thought that you might have cancer and not know it, but you think insurance coverage for catastrophic medical problems is a waste of money.

 

 

 

If you don't go in for your check-ups and still worry about your health anyway, then, yes, you will have flushed your money down the toilet.

 

I am indeed terrified of cancer, but I'm also 24. I wouldn't bother worrying about it until later on in life when I was more able to pay for the premiums and deductibles and when stuff like cancer is more prevalent.

 

Checkups are definitely things I will go in for. They're always free and covered by the plans, right?

[VertexSquared]

All of your dead - end, "no way out" thinking is just more symptoms of depression.

 

I have sympathy and compassion for you because as I said, I have been there. But after all is said and done, you are going to have to face the truth that your thinking is wrong, now. You need help to get out of your black hole, and if you refuse to turn over some of your certainty that you're "right" you are going to continue to be stuck.

 

My advice? Quit thinking about all of it. Acknowledge all that's going on within you emotionally as well as repetitively ruminating on the difficult hand you feel life has dealt you as BACKGROUND NOISE. You are not likely to be figuring anything out to make you happier when you are having such tunnel vision.

 

Simply get an appointment with a GP as soon as you can. Tell them that you are in a black hole and you've been contemplating the end of your life, and that you need help with that. Follow where this leads you. It won't be worse than it is now.

 

I fear that if I mention my feelings of living in a black hole with a depression stemming from a hard childhood, it's going to set off all these alarms and they're going to stick me with things I don't need at costs I can't afford.

[Yer_Blues]

You can't make people understand the physiological changes that occur from undergoing a lot of emotional/personal stress when you are developing. You can't really make people understand that feeling of being out of control of your own happiness. It's something you have to experience personally.

 

It's really worst when you work really hard at the things you want and take a positive approach and things still just fall apart due to circumstances largely beyond your control. It makes it difficult to break the negative mental patterns when everything you experience is reinforcing and more deeply embedding those negative thoughts.

 

Anxiety and depression have funny ways of conquering your attempts to conquer them. I'm not sure what the way out is, because it seems the more will and energy you place into something when you are already frustrated, the more insanely frustrated and hopeless you feel when you fail or when things go wrong and prevent success. I'm trying the medical route again, got the second appointment scheduled already.

 

A lot of it's bad luck and bad, illogical, self-defeating thought patterns. I just wish that recognizing their nature would in some way combat or stop them from dominating. Well that's not how it works, so it's back to the pop-a-new-happy-pill approach. I'd recommend the same for you based on your OP.

[sweetjasmine]

I am indeed terrified of cancer, but I'm also 24. I wouldn't bother worrying about it until later on in life when I was more able to pay for the premiums and deductibles and when stuff like cancer is more prevalent.

 

Eh. Fair enough, I guess. I don't want to argue about cancer, but catastrophic health insurance is still a good thing to have. The odds of a car swerving off the road and mowing you down on the sidewalk are pretty slim, but if something happened to you, you'd be completely screwed financially.

 

Checkups are definitely things I will go in for. They're always free and covered by the plans, right?

 

There's usually a co-pay for the visit. It depends on your plan. When I was insured (heh), we had a family plan with a co-pay for both visits ($20 on one plan, $30 on a later plan) and diagnostic tests like blood work, but I think with other plans, diagnostics are covered. Check your paperwork or call the Aetna customer service line.

 

I fear that if I mention my feelings of living in a black hole with a depression stemming from a hard childhood, it's going to set off all these alarms and they're going to stick me with things I don't need at costs I can't afford.

 

Well, you still have a choice in the matter. You have the right to refuse whatever treatment you don't want. I think the only case in which they would take action is if they thought you were an immediate danger to yourself or others.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I fear that if I mention my feelings of living in a black hole with a depression stemming from a hard childhood, it's going to set off all these alarms and they're going to stick me with things I don't need at costs I can't afford.

 

 

Well, fear it or not, if you are able at all to take an objective look at the vortex (rather than vertex) that your thought processes are in at this time, you will have to face the fact that you can't trust your own thinking right now.

 

If you want to see improvement and not let your past and your present unhappiness rule the rest of your life, you are going to have to take a leap of faith.

 

Or, don't and just be miserable.

 

You have received a lot of heartfelt advice on this thread. Much of it is good advice, IMO. You're using all your energy to refute it. That's a symptom of the thought process of a depressed person. Please face that your thoughts are not correct.

 

You have no idea what you do or don't need right now; what we all can see is that the way you've been living has not been working for you.

[Ruby Slippers]

This is pretty much how I feel. I just feel like no professional/counselor/therapist/doctor/etc is going to be able to give me the help I need. I have no problem seeking such help, but I worry it won't be effective. What can they possibly say to me that I haven't already spent countless hours pouring over?

I had a lot of those thoughts, too, before I starting seeing a counselor. As I'm sure you are aware, many people have no idea what they're doing, and this includes counselors. You are probably not going to find a great one right away. It only took me three tries, but that's because my smartest friend had done the work ahead of time. She went through dozens of counselors before she found the ONE she felt was intelligent and qualified enough to help her. I now talk to this same counselor, by phone, once a month, and it's a huge help for me. I'd prefer in person, but I just haven't been able to find anyone else on her level. She also offers a sliding scale for payment, so the price is reasonable for me.

 

Like you, I thought I was so messed up I would need to talk to someone way too often for it to be affordable. I would like to talk to her more than once a month, but this frequency lets me keep my finances in check while getting a steady level of support.

 

How does she help me? Well, in spite of the fact that I still feel I have a long way to go in revealing to her the the most painful things I've been through, she really does help me keep it all in perspective. She immediately freezes my self-defeating talk and thoughts. She has a bias toward action -- adjusting my behavior to improve my state of mind -- and gives me small, manageable "homework" assignments to help me overcome problems one at a time, and build on that progress. Sometimes I take baby steps, sometimes I take flying leaps, and sometimes I fall one step back, which is tough but fine. "Growth is an erratic forward movement -- two steps forward, one step back."

 

The biggest thorn in my side emotionally has always been my strained relationship with my mean dad, and she gives me concrete ideas for ways to communicate with him and endure his ignorance. Using her direct advice, I have been able to talk to my dad in ways that I never have before, and it is slowly transforming my relationship with him and improving my self-esteem.

 

I have friends I can talk to, smart, supportive friends who have been through a lot and give great advice, but even they do not have the experience and wisdom, not to mention time, to help guide me to higher ground. But my counselor does, and she does it well.

 

You have to find the counselor who is right for YOU, and the only way to do that is to start looking.

 

What pills can I take that can solve the problems caused from an entire childhood?

I think medication is a huge blessing for those who truly need it, but I see it as a last resort. Most people need to develop their coping skills and adjust their behavior more than anything, and some drugs remove the need to do that, hence crippling one's ability to cope and grow on their own.

 

I feel like the only way out of the situation is either suicide or figuring out a better way to process all this information in a way that makes sense. But I can't figure it out.

You have a lot of factual information in your head which is complicated by the presence of the accompanying natural emotional static, which is what drives those feelings of worthlessness, alienation, loneliness, confusion, hopelessness, etc. A counselor is an unbiased person, free of the danger of the traps that your mind sets, who will help you figure out how to untangle those traps and free yourself from the prison of your mind.

 

I believe in you, Vertex! I have always thought you seem very awesome, from your posts here. And learning all this only makes me more impressed that you remain such a great guy in spite of all this strife.

 

If there's one thing I can say for those of us who have suffered a lot of pain from bad, neglectful parents, it's that we really appreciate the good things in life. So as you do sort all this out, you are going to feel a lot of joy and light expanding in your heart. It's a wonderful feeling.