Stress/sadness is overwhelming and I don't want to do something stupid

[NYCGirly]

1500 more per month? How on earth do you figure? For me, moving out only saves something like $500. How are you calculating it? I am assuming there is some cheaper place to live that I am somehow completely unaware of?

 

Ok so on rent I'm going to be saving $600 alone. Then figure the cost of groceries and other personal items which are generally priced higher in Manhattan. So that probably is close to $300-$400/month. Then, I kid you not, I spend close to $500-$600 a month on drinking ALONE. Yeah....I won't be going out to expensive areas like Meatpacking anymore or going out 2-3 times a week once I move out of Manhattan. So that's how I got $1500. Again, I'll still be spending grocery/going out money, but it won't cost me as much as it would cost living in the city. So the $1500 was just a rough estimate.

 

Seriously look into places in Brooklyn (not DUMBO) since you work on Wall Street. Your commute won't be so bad. Even the outskirts of Jersey City would be cheaper.

[VertexSquared]

My childhood sucked, too, and I could make a long list of things that happened to me that some might find shocking.

 

I understand that you feel alone because most people don't understand or care. You go through life not saying anything because you don't want to feel sorry for yourself, and then when you finally do say something, it's hard to get any real understanding or compassion.

 

Most of the friends and romantic partners I've had come from supportive and well-to-do families that seem totally unreal to me. And they just don't get it.

 

I think you need to make some friends who DO get it -- people who have been through some of the things you have. You can find them at support groups and through other channels, or you can be very direct about it and find a great counselor.

 

This is pretty much how I feel. I just feel like no professional/counselor/therapist/doctor/etc is going to be able to give me the help I need. I have no problem seeking such help, but I worry it won't be effective. What can they possibly say to me that I haven't already spent countless hours pouring over? What pills can I take that can solve the problems caused from an entire childhood?

 

I feel like the only way out of the situation is either suicide or figuring out a better way to process all this information in a way that makes sense. But I can't figure it out.

[VertexSquared]

Ok so on rent I'm going to be saving $600 alone. Then figure the cost of groceries and other personal items which are generally priced higher in Manhattan. So that probably is close to $300-$400/month. Then, I kid you not, I spend close to $500-$600 a month on drinking ALONE. Yeah....I won't be going out to expensive areas like Meatpacking anymore or going out 2-3 times a week once I move out of Manhattan. So that's how I got $1500. Again, I'll still be spending grocery/going out money, but it won't cost me as much as it would cost living in the city. So the $1500 was just a rough estimate.

 

Seriously look into places in Brooklyn (not DUMBO) since you work on Wall Street. Your commute won't be so bad. Even the outskirts of Jersey City would be cheaper.

 

You must be living in a much more expensive type of place than I am now. I can see myself only able to save maybe $300 on rent alone (I currently live with three roommates -- looking to downsize to living with one in a cheaper area, probably Jersey or Hoboken). I don't drink or anything, but the food savings may be considerable (I haven't been able to fully figure that one out yet on my end).

[sweetjasmine]

I feel like the only way out of the situation is either suicide or figuring out a better way to process all this information in a way that makes sense. But I can't figure it out.

 

A good therapist will help you figure out how to process that information and how to come to terms with it and move on.

 

What do you have to lose if you go a few times and it's not effective? Time? Money? You're already wasting time by not taking any action.

 

And are you going to call a GP and dentist for your check-ups so you can stop worrying about your physical health?

[VertexSquared]

A good therapist will help you figure out how to process that information and how to come to terms with it and move on.

 

What do you have to lose if you go a few times and it's not effective? Time? Money? You're already wasting time by not taking any action.

 

And are you going to call a GP and dentist for your check-ups so you can stop worrying about your physical health?

 

Yes, I am going to. My fear is that the costs will be astronomical. I have so many injuries to fix, and I want to get my teeth cleaned/health checked/etc. There's no way all of this is going to be cheap.

[NYCGirly]

You must be living in a much more expensive type of place than I am now. I can see myself only able to save maybe $300 on rent alone (I currently live with three roommates -- looking to downsize to living with one in a cheaper area, probably Jersey or Hoboken). I don't drink or anything, but the food savings may be considerable (I haven't been able to fully figure that one out yet on my end).

 

Yeah I live solo- I used to live with 2 roommates when I first moved back to the city but I couldn't take that anymore so I decided to find a place for myself. I like the quiet time of not always having to be "on" when I get home from work because my roommates talk too damn much. So when I move I'll also be getting another place on my own. Sure I could save more money sharing a place, but it generally is better for my mental health to just be by myself when I want to be.

 

On a side note, I agree with you on the therapist thing. You look at it the same way I do. Counselors just aren't my thing. Why in the world would someone who gets paid to listen to me care about my situation on a level outside of a business relationship? I'm just pouring my soul out to someone who is clocking time and reading me their textbook babble. To me it's a waste of money. I only went in college because it was "free" even though I'd already paid for the service through tuition.

 

Anyway like I said, for some it works, for others it doesn't. I would at least try it (if it's "free") so you know you tried something and it did or didn't work. I'm sure there has to be a free clinic or something in your area of town.

[sweetjasmine]

Yes, I am going to. My fear is that the costs will be astronomical. I have so many injuries to fix, and I want to get my teeth cleaned/health checked/etc. There's no way all of this is going to be cheap.

 

You can decide whether to go ahead with any other procedures after you've had your check-ups. If/when they suggest something, find out how much it would cost under your insurance plan, and then you can figure out what to do from there.

 

Honestly, it seems like checking out your health and dealing with your injuries is part of dealing with your past. Do you think it might help you process things? To see something - an actual, physical part of you - that was broken/injured before get fixed/healed?

[sweetjasmine]

YWhy in the world would someone who gets paid to listen to me care about my situation on a level outside of a business relationship?

 

I get where you're coming from, but to me, this is actually a very important aspect of therapy. The therapist is there as a neutral third party who isn't emotionally invested in you or your life. When you tell them every little detail of whatever it is that's been haunting you, you don't have to worry about upsetting them or altering your friendship/relationship with them. You don't have to worry about burdening them with your problems and making them worry about you or think less of you. It's their job to remain an observer and not become an actor/player. It's easier for them to be objective that way.

 

That's not to say that therapy is great and comfortable for everyone. Just wanted to add that it helps to have someone detached from the situation listen to what you have to say. There's no pressure on you to say one thing or another or to keep something to yourself.

[VertexSquared]

Yeah I live solo- I used to live with 2 roommates when I first moved back to the city but I couldn't take that anymore so I decided to find a place for myself. I like the quiet time of not always having to be "on" when I get home from work because my roommates talk too damn much. So when I move I'll also be getting another place on my own. Sure I could save more money sharing a place, but it generally is better for my mental health to just be by myself when I want to be.

 

On a side note, I agree with you on the therapist thing. You look at it the same way I do. Counselors just aren't my thing. Why in the world would someone who gets paid to listen to me care about my situation on a level outside of a business relationship? I'm just pouring my soul out to someone who is clocking time and reading me their textbook babble. To me it's a waste of money. I only went in college because it was "free" even though I'd already paid for the service through tuition.

 

Anyway like I said, for some it works, for others it doesn't. I would at least try it (if it's "free") so you know you tried something and it did or didn't work. I'm sure there has to be a free clinic or something in your area of town.

 

Yeah, I had a similar experience in college. I'd be pouring myself out to a therapist (the on-campus free counseling) and the responses were always so vague and sterile. It was frustrating to me.

 

I understand what you mean about having noisy roommates. Ideally, I'd love to live on my own. But I have a hard time justifying the cost.

[pandagirl]

It makes me sad that people don't believe in the benefits of therapy. First of all, not all therapists are created equal.

 

Find a trained psychologist who fits your needs and is accredited in NY. You can use this: http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php.

 

The bios of the doctors will talk about their background and what they specialize in, for instance, this doctor has this on his page: "Over fifteen years of clinical experience treating adults, adolescents and couples struggling with issues ranging from depression, anxiety, relationship difficulties, post-traumatic stress disorder, grief/loss, as well as various other issues.”

 

And a psychologist will NOT solve your problems, they are there to help YOU solve your own problems. They assist you, ask you questions, challenge you, etc. If anything, it makes you a more self-aware person.

[VertexSquared]

I get where you're coming from, but to me, this is actually a very important aspect of therapy. The therapist is there as a neutral third party who isn't emotionally invested in you or your life. When you tell them every little detail of whatever it is that's been haunting you, you don't have to worry about upsetting them or altering your friendship/relationship with them. You don't have to worry about burdening them with your problems and making them worry about you or think less of you. It's their job to remain an observer and not become an actor/player. It's easier for them to be objective that way.

 

That's not to say that therapy is great and comfortable for everyone. Just wanted to add that it helps to have someone detached from the situation listen to what you have to say. There's no pressure on you to say one thing or another or to keep something to yourself.

 

I understand the importance of having a detached third party, but I feel like there's more distance than I would like. My entire life has been defined by distance. I want people close to me that care about me. I spend holidays over at my girlfriend's and I witness how amazing a loving family can be. I need people that genuinely care about my wellbeing and understand where I am coming from so that these problems can be properly fixed. What won't help is just emptying myself out to a hollow script only to be told that I have some deeply-rooted problems that require some simple dopamine/seretonin-flexing medications. I need to kill the roots -- not just snip off the heads.

[pandagirl]

I understand the importance of having a detached third party, but I feel like there's more distance than I would like. My entire life has been defined by distance. I want people close to me that care about me. I spend holidays over at my girlfriend's and I witness how amazing a loving family can be. I need people that genuinely care about my wellbeing and understand where I am coming from so that these problems can be properly fixed. What won't help is just emptying myself out to a hollow script only to be told that I have some deeply-rooted problems that require some simple dopamine/seretonin-flexing medications. I need to kill the roots -- not just snip off the heads.

 

You'd be surprised at how much psychologists really care about their patients. Two of my best friends are clinical psychologists and they are very passionate about their work, and want to rehabilitate their patients. I mean, isn't that what any doctor wants to do? Make someone feel better?

 

But, you're just full of negativity and thinks nothing will work. Self-sabotaging mindset. I've been there, done that. People really aren't all that bad, kid. You'd be surprised by the kindness of strangers.

[Star Gazer]

VS, I haven't read the entire thread, but can I ask whether you have any close friends you feel a bond with and really trust?

[VertexSquared]

You'd be surprised at how much psychologists really care about their patients. Two of my best friends are clinical psychologists and they are very passionate about their work, and want to rehabilitate their patients. I mean, isn't that what any doctor wants to do? Make someone feel better?

 

But, you're just full of negativity and thinks nothing will work. Self-sabotaging mindset. I've been there, done that. People really aren't all that bad, kid. You'd be surprised by the kindness of strangers.

 

Maybe to someone who's been there, it seems that way. To me, I feel like nothing has ever worked. My statements are based on personal empiricism, if anything. I feel as if no psychologist can tell me something I haven't already considered. But at the end of it all, I merely find myself immensely upset and angry since I still cannot find a solution. I feel like if I can't even figure it out, how can I possibly expect anyone else to sift through this mess and properly connect it all? I'm tired of people telling me to just get over it. That doesn't work.

 

VS, I haven't read the entire thread, but can I ask whether you have any close friends you feel a bond with and really trust?

 

No -- I don't trust anyone. Everyone has let me down in some major way.

[Ariadne]

I feel as if no psychologist can tell me something I haven't already considered.

 

Here, listen for fun at least.

 

Hope it helps.

[VertexSquared]

I listened to a few of his vids earlier -- fun/relaxing to listen to.

[pandagirl]

Maybe to someone who's been there, it seems that way. To me, I feel like nothing has ever worked. My statements are based on personal empiricism, if anything. I feel as if no psychologist can tell me something I haven't already considered. But at the end of it all, I merely find myself immensely upset and angry since I still cannot find a solution. I feel like if I can't even figure it out, how can I possibly expect anyone else to sift through this mess and properly connect it all? I'm tired of people telling me to just get over it. That doesn't work.

 

If you go in feeling like nothing will work, then guess what? It probably won't. Therapy is a long process. Think about it: this person has to get to know you really well. They have to listen to you talk a lot while you are telling them everything about you. There is no "solution" to GET to, it's all iterative and incremental.

 

You say, "I feel as no psychologist can tell me something I haven't already considered." First, a psychologist shouldn't really *tell* you anything, like: "You had daddy issues," is something a psych. should not say. They guide you through a process of understanding YOURSELF. Second, you've programmed your brain in such a way that it's hardwired to only work in certain ways. A good therapist will open your mind to possibilities you haven't thought of before.

 

For me, I have a lot of trust issues, so in therapy, we talked a lot about it, my fears and worries, etc. In the end, I was surprised at the result it came down to. Something I couldn't have done without therapy. Now, I love therapy!

 

But it'll only get a positive experience, if you don't have a negative one going into it.

[sweetjasmine]

I understand the importance of having a detached third party, but I feel like there's more distance than I would like. My entire life has been defined by distance. I want people close to me that care about me.

 

Right, but as you know, it's not the therapist's job to be close to you. I understand how the distance between you and a therapist can be a little uncomfortable, though. Maybe that's something you need to share with them so they know a little about your communication style and your needs.

 

You do need people close to you that care about you, though. Everyone does.

 

I need people that genuinely care about my wellbeing and understand where I am coming from so that these problems can be properly fixed. What won't help is just emptying myself out to a hollow script only to be told that I have some deeply-rooted problems that require some simple dopamine/seretonin-flexing medications. I need to kill the roots -- not just snip off the heads.

 

I agree, but you can have someone help you with all that without them being emotionally invested. I know how you feel about the meds/SSRIs, so you might be better off seeking a psychologist and not a psychiatrist. Still, medication can give you a temporary boost to help you work things out. I haven't read up on this recently, so this might be off, but I remember reading in the past that the majority of people who get scripts for SSRIs take them on a short-term basis combined with talk therapy or CBT and then gradually go off them. I think you should try to keep an open mind about that option, but you're right that it's not going to magically fix everything and that you need to get to the bottom of your problems.

 

I feel like if I can't even figure it out, how can I possibly expect anyone else to sift through this mess and properly connect it all?

 

Trained professionals have studied thought patterns, behaviors, and people's backgrounds/histories. Part of their job is to rummage through and connect the dots. Some are better than others, and I'm sure there are some crappy therapists out there. But think about it this way - you wish you could talk to people who knew where you're coming from. If you find a good therapist who specializes in childhood issues/trauma/abuse/neglect, you'll be talking to someone who has already seen a lot of patients who came where you're coming from. If a therapist with that kind of experience has managed to help even a handful of people with similar problems, maybe they can give you a hand. You might even find a support group through them.

 

It's worth investigating, IMO. You don't deserve to feel miserable about yourself.

[Ariadne]

I listened to a few of his vids earlier -- fun/relaxing to listen to.

 

Oh, cool!

 

It does put things under perspective, and I found him relaxing as well.

[sb129]

VS, I haven't read the whole thread, but I can identify with some of what you are saying, and I know lots of people who have.

 

Believe me, once I pulled myself out of my self pity party fog about how Sh** my life was/had been/was going to be, I realised that LOTS of people have sh** in their lives, and many of them have it way worse than I did. How they all handle it is how well they progress through their life.

 

In my 20s I did the whole counselling gig, the meds thing and eventually I found meds to be really helpful in clarifying things, it helped me step back and clear the fog so that I could stop thinking about myself all the time, and start seeing a few good things.

 

You have lots of positive things about you.

 

I understand what you are saying about how people around you have family support networks and family financial support, I used to get annoyed by people I knew who had old boys networks and got cushy jobs because of someone their daddy knew, but in the end so what? There will ALWAYS be someone with more money than you, there will always be someone with less.

 

There will always be someone thinner, prettier, smarter, better dressed, better educated, etc etc etc. And there will always be LOTS of people who would love to have your life. You are self sufficient, you have a good education, a good job and you have SOME money coming in.

 

I simply do not have time to waste comparing myself to others anymore. It ruined a good part of my 20s and I am not going to let it ruin my 30s. So far so good.

 

Also- take care of yourself. If you think you may be clinically depressed, see a doctor.

Ask for help. Make sure you get enough sleep- if that means having to reset your sleeping patterns with medication for a few days, so be it.

 

When I was first diagnosed with depression, my GP told me to have some time off work, and create a routine for myself. Get up at the same time every day, go to bed at the same time. Eat well, avoid alcohol, exercise. All of these things are going to help your body and brain function more healthily.

 

Do things that make you happy, they don't have to cost money- listen to music, read a good book from the library, watch a funny movie.

 

You are the only person who can help you. There is no point blaming anyone else anymore, its all down to you now.

 

You CAN do it.

[sb129]

And btw- I got to the bottom of some of my problems via CBT and whatnot, and I also took meds but in the end I thought, I just have to get over all this sh** otherwise its going to drag me down.

 

Becoming a parent put alot of that in perspective- I refuse to saddle my daughter with any of my baggage, so i threw it all out with the rubbish.

 

Life is too short.

 

PS- meds were for 6mths initially and I had a postnatal relapse for about 6mths, so all in all 12mths of meds wasn't a big deal.

[hydorclops]

Instead of trying to solve all of your specific problems, professional help will enable you to untangle your thinking from your emotions. Your emotions of despair and sadness are the real problems, yes?

 

Perhaps there are ways to become more clear-headed and energetic. Then your problems become more technical and are easier to solve and to tolerate.

 

I found this book helpful: http://www.noondaydemon.com/

 

Certainly it's available at the library.

[sunshinegirl]

Vertex, for what it's worth, your protestations remind me of one of my roommates from ten years ago. She seemed to have some kind of manic-depressive situation going on, and the depressive episodes were really, really bad. She was extremely unhappy and said she wanted to get better...

 

...but she resolutely shot down any suggestions of therapy, meds, or any other "try something different" idea we, her friends, offered. Her reasoning was similar to yours - how would it help? How could a stranger make a difference? "Happy pills" can't make me better, etc.

 

You know what? Ten years later, as far as I know, she is still living in this funk because she has refused to try anything different to help herself. At this point I think two things: (1) she has never been able to get beyond her distorted thinking that nothing can help (and it IS distorted thinking!); and (2) her pain has become a security blanket of some kind, and she doesn't actually want to get better more than she wants to hold on to the devil she knows.

 

What about you, Vertex? The common thread you're seeing in the comments is that YOU have to make choices and take action to help yourself. Think hard about whether you want to be swimming around in this same muck 10 years from now, perhaps having gotten better at convincing others how horrible your life has been but not enjoying any greater quality of life than you do today. If not, you have to take action, however small at first, to move yourself toward the life you want.

 

I have had my version of this to deal with -major depression combined with a disdain for counseling and meds. This was my life from 2000-2002. I was extremely lonely - like, existentially lonely - and I didn't see a point in living (no hope), but I couldn't imagine taking my life either (no relief). Daily life finally got bad enough for me that I couldn't take it anymore, and I finally did see a counselor and start anti-depression medication. At the time it didn't seem like a magical solution of any kind. But you know what? Looking back, it wasn't magic, but those small steps kick started a path of progress that led to legion positive, healthy changes in my life, and ultimately enabled me to attract the right kind of people into my life. Today, I am happy to say I am living the connected, love-filled life I always hoped I would have, but which for years seemed soooo elusive.

 

To be sure, life still throws some wicked curve balls after the "happily ever after" (I was diagnosed with cancer 2 months ago). But the high quality of my life today -- and the happiness and love and connection I have with my husband, friends, and family -- is something that I directly credit to the kick-start of therapy and meds some years ago.

 

Honestly, I would encourage you to give therapy and meds a try. You can always stop if they don't work (though I'd say try a few therapists and a few meds before discarding the whole thing), and you can pursue other avenues if those are more helpful. But as an initial doubter of meds/therapy myself, I was really happily surprised at how much they helped me.

 

Other than that, if I could leave you with one thought, it's this: I would urge you to start distrusting that voice in your head that says nothing will help. That's your distorted thinking at work - it's depression or PTSD or anxiety talking. It's not reality, it's not true, it doesn't have to be your fate. Stop believing that voice, and instead consider giving weight to those who have walked similar paths...and have found their way out.

Edited December 14, 2010 by sunshinegirl

[VertexSquared]

I think on some level I am afraid of seeking help. I don't want to be told that there is more wrong with me than I realized. Your cancer comment made my heart race -- I have an immense phobia of cancer because it's an uncontrollable thing that can seemingly strike anyone at any time, and I hate not being in control of my fate but I feel resigned to it. I am sorry to hear that you were diagnosed with cancer -- is it something you think will be treatable?

 

I feel like going to get help is going to cost me more than I can afford because the damages are so great. The stress of dealing with all this is crushing to me. I'm not against getting help, but the process of getting help is in itself stressful to me. Who do I talk to? Where do I go? What's a reasonable cost, if any? If I take meds, how do I know they're actually going to help and not cause some nasty side-effect somewhere or harm me down the line?

 

I'm tired of living this way and I want help, but how can I trust anyone is going to help me with my best interests in mind? Everyone ALWAYS lets me down. "Trust me" on this, "I'm an expert" at that, "I am doing this for your own good" over here. None of it ever seems to ring true, from my perspective. It feels like nobody really knows what they're doing and nobody really cares unless they have something to lose, themselves. I don't want to be "just another patient" if something goes wrong somewhere. I don't want to get iced out as the result of an inexorable stoicism that a doctor must uphold in order to maintain an equilibrium of performance and sanity.

 

Yes, I'm aware that my world view is likely heavily biased by PTSD and depression and anxiety. I recognize this -- but I also know that I'm intelligent and not going to buy into complete BS. It feels like I simply can't trust anyone to do anything anymore unless I do it myself.

Edited December 14, 2010 by VertexSquared

[pandagirl]

I can't post anything more in this thread, simply because it's obvious that though you are in pain, you aren't in a place yet where you actually will seek help. You're too scared and paralyzed.

 

i'm going to recommend a book that helped me: "The Mindful Way Through Depression: Freeing Yourself From Chronic Unhappiness." It's not going to solve your problems, but the thing with depression is the more you try to intellectually "figure it out" or react to it, the worse it gets. I think reading this book could give you some tools to ease your current pain.

 

Good luck.