Stress/sadness is overwhelming and I don't want to do something stupid

[VertexSquared]

When I read your posts, all I hear is, "wah wah."

 

Sucks that your dad died but I feel like all the other "issues" you listed just showcase your entitlement problem.

 

I don't know anyone with a perfect life, or, at our age, anyone whose parents still pay their rent. I can't relate to your "problems" at all. Aside from your dad passing away, I feel like I (and everyone that I know) has had it much tougher. I think that you like to feel like a victim.

 

Get some help.

 

It's not just about rent (although here in NYC I do know many peers whose parents DO help out with various expenses such as rent, credit card expenses, cars, food, travel, entertainment, gifts, backup safety net). You'd have to be crazy to tell me that most people our age are entirely self-sufficient in this regard because I haven't met too many that truly are. And many successful college grads who ARE currently self-sufficient are only self-sufficient because they've had a vast pool of resource to draw from along the way. I think you underestimate how profound family support really is for most students pursuing something challenging in the wake of massive financial difficulties.

 

I'm not really sure how my life could have been much tougher, honestly. That's like 90% of my problem. There are just so many variables present that I don't think many people can relate to the amount of effort required and the psychological plagues present.

[pandagirl]

It's not just about rent (although here in NYC I do know many peers whose parents DO help out with various expenses such as rent, credit card expenses, cars, food, travel, entertainment, gifts, backup safety net). You'd have to be crazy to tell me that most people our age are entirely self-sufficient in this regard because I haven't met too many that truly are. And many successful college grads who ARE currently self-sufficient are only self-sufficient because they've had a vast pool of resource to draw from along the way. I think you underestimate how profound family support really is for most students pursuing something challenging in the wake of massive financial difficulties.

 

I'm not really sure how my life could have been much tougher, honestly. That's like 90% of my problem. There are just so many variables present that I don't think many people can relate to the amount of effort required and the psychological plagues present.

 

This is the problem right here. I'm not saying your life hasn't been difficult, and I'm not trying to discount what you've been through, but it's obvious you have a skewed thought process that keeps you as a prisoner in your own thoughts. It is possible to break free of that, but you have to open your mind to it.

 

My parents had it hard. REALLY hard. Like being prisoners of war hard. My mom had to support herself fully by being a maid when she moved to America, and taught herself English from a dictionary she had to save up for. Funny enough, their experiences have only made them grateful for everything they have now.

 

Your past experiences did suck, but you can either feel that way for the rest of your life, or change it. Part of that may be that your depressed, and your brain isn't letting you function in a positive way. That's why everyone is saying to seek professional help as a first step! You can do it!

[johan]

I'm not really sure how my life could have been much tougher, honestly. That's like 90% of my problem. There are just so many variables present that I don't think many people can relate to the amount of effort required and the psychological plagues present.

 

Well, you could have been born with a tail. Or as a siamese twin. Or you could be dying from leukemia. Or gang raped repeatedly by an abductor and his hillbilly friends. Or all of the above.

 

Don't tempt Fate.

 

There's nothing remarkable about your hardships. That's not to say they weren't hard. But join the club. We all can make lists that look lots like yours.

 

Your problem isn't your hardships. It's your self-loathing. It will cost you your girlfriend and possibly your job and drive you into a depression that will make you wish you could come back to this day. Over time you'll grow up and learn to deal with this stuff.

[VertexSquared]

It's understandable you would feel hurt and angry and resentment over your family situation. You didn't have much of a loving or supportive one prior to your dad dying and things only got worse after that.

 

Okay. So, when is the part where you start living in today and not your past?

 

You are so angry and upset and jaded over all of these unfortunate and unfair things that have happened to you over the course of your life and it is causing you to be blinded to what you do have now.

 

If you do not like your health? Do something about it. Get your own ass to the doctor and get a check up and then get to the gym or find some other reasonable means of physical activity.

 

Okay, not much you can do about the family who kind of dogged you from birth but one day if you get over all of this you may find your own family with your own children and have your own memories.

 

I know some things that have happened to you are difficult but life is not as black and white as "well my friends all have it easy and I don't" You don't always know what people who appear to have it easy externally are dealing with on the inside. There are many people who could only WISH they had your life, compared to yours (yes really) there are many, not a few but MANY people who have gone through way more effed up things with their families than you ever did. I know that doesn't make what you went through any easier - but you seriously need to grow up and get some perspective.

 

I'm going to sound like a heinous bitch when I say this, but that's the one thing that bugs me about you "nerds" you can be so damn book smart but when it comes to wisdom and life you can be limp as a wet noodle.

 

Bad things are going to continue to happen your whole life. So are good things, if you let them or you notice them. Quit letting the past steal away your present and your future.

 

It's hard to live in "today." Every day I agonize over how things could and should be different. I try to treat the past as a sunk cost and simply focus on the present/future, but it's not so simple when psychological manifestations of stress are so easily generated, and when residual stressors are SO apparent to the extent that they are clearly rooted in something derived from the past.

 

"I'm going to sound like a heinous bitch when I say this, but that's the one thing that bugs me about you "nerds" you can be so damn book smart but when it comes to wisdom and life you can be limp as a wet noodle."

 

I'm sorry but this comes across as horrifically callous to me. I grew up with so much neglect and abuse in so many ways. I've been used by so many family members and people I trusted. I've been humiliated in ways that I care not to describe here, but they are horrific to the extent that anyone with a rational mind could easily say "Wow, that's... really messed up." Physical, emotional, sexual abuse -- you name it. I grew up without proper food or medical care and even today I still have injuries that have not yet been fixed. I find it really offensive that you'd imply that I have no "wisdom" or understanding of "life" when it's those very skills that got me here. Not just book smarts.

 

I'm so burnt out. I don't think anyone understands how burnt out I am. I feel very alone and unrelatable.

[sweetjasmine]

Yes, but it's not like it's free healthcare. I pay for medical insurance/dental insurance and that's about it (opted out of most other forms).

 

You can see a GP for a physical/blood work and a dentist for a check-up with your current insurance, so at least get started on that. Ask your GP for a referral and mention the money issue. There are good therapists out there who adjust their fees according to their patients' needs. It doesn't have to be $200 a session. Don't let yourself start to make excuses. Go out and investigate your options. Find the list of GPs on your insurance plan and call one tomorrow for an appointment. There's absolutely no reason why you can't call one as soon as you have a list of options. It takes 2 minutes.

 

You said you want solutions. You have several in this thread regarding some of the problems you listed. Choose the ones that seem appropriate for you and get started. Focusing on who has had it how much easier isn't going to help you get better -- it's only going to help you avoid taking steps to fix things.

 

I'm not poking and prodding at you to be a b-tch. I don't want to sit here and argue whether you're entitled to feel the way you do or whether you're justified. You asked for solutions. I'm sure you already had a few solutions in mind before you posted this thread. You're smart and hard-working, so start taking small steps. It'll get a little easier once you get moving.

[johan]

Oh, and you'll come away from professional with the feeling that you've wasted your money. Not all of it, but most of it. They will teach you a few thought exercises you could do to understand things a bit better. But you won't feel better. Not until you forgive yourself for being who you are. That's something you'll have to decide to do on your own. A counselor can point that out to you several times, but in the end it will come down to you just needing to take responsibility for your life.

[hoping2heal]

I'm not really sure how my life could have been much tougher, honestly. That's like 90% of my problem. There are just so many variables present that I don't think many people can relate to the amount of effort required and the psychological plagues present.

 

Hmm, not sure how your life could have been much tougher? Well let's try.

 

Suppose when you were a toddler you started out your terrible two's being terribly raped. Now, that is just the begining, because by the time you're six two more of your family members will have attempted to sexually abuse you. One of them will have succeeded. The sexual abuse finally stops by 2nd grade but now you have to deal with being physically abused most of the time at home. Thankfully, you have intelligence which is where you excel in school until you hit about 15 and begin having flashbacks about the abuse you suffered after once again, experiencing a traumatic sexual abuse experience. As a result your body falls so ill you find it hard to focus on schoolwork. Couple that with the fact that your mother is a gambling addict and you are always expected to care for your younger sibling, many times not having enough food for the month. Then there is dear old mom, who expects you to be her therapist. You are taught to keep your emotions and feelings inside instead of be honest because when you try that, she makes you feel like worst piece of **** on the planet.

 

Okay, cool. So you end up so sick in your 9th grade year that you get yanked out of school and spend several months undergoing medical tests. Your principal insists it's best you drop out at 15 and go for a G.E.D as do your parents since you are not sure what is going on health wise and if you will even make it to a graduation. When you finally do come out about the abuse people you considered a second mother and sister to you turn on you and treat you like YOU have done something wrong and the cops drop the ball on investigating your abuser, even though he admits things did happen.

 

Can I stop now? That could be you, it was me.

 

I'm in college now although not ivy league. I kind of missed out on that opportunity when the last time I'd been in school I was 15 I don't have family to pay my rent, I do it myself. I live in a safe neighborhood in a really nice building and I have a very nice place. I have food on my table and I have a few close friends I can trust even though I will likely never be able to trust any person in my family. I also have a wonderful partner who knows me through and through and vice versa, we love eachother deeply. I can tell you any of the day of the week that I feel like "one of the lucky ones" and I do, because I am.

 

I could walk around all bitter and bent out of shape. I don't and I'm not. A lot of things happened to me that were out of my control, both as a child and an adult. A lot of good things happened to me too - those were the things that were in my control. Making good choices about where I wanted to go in life and not allowing where I came from to derail that.

[eerie_reverie]

It's not just about rent (although here in NYC I do know many peers whose parents DO help out with various expenses such as rent, credit card expenses, cars, food, travel, entertainment, gifts, backup safety net). You'd have to be crazy to tell me that most people our age are entirely self-sufficient in this regard because I haven't met too many that truly are. And many successful college grads who ARE currently self-sufficient are only self-sufficient because they've had a vast pool of resource to draw from along the way. I think you underestimate how profound family support really is for most students pursuing something challenging in the wake of massive financial difficulties.

 

I'm not really sure how my life could have been much tougher, honestly. That's like 90% of my problem. There are just so many variables present that I don't think many people can relate to the amount of effort required and the psychological plagues present.

 

It's hard for me to feel any sympathy for your financial problems when you have an Ivy League degree and a job on Wall Street. Just like it was hard for me to relate to your post about resorting to hiring hookers because you couldn't find a girlfriend for 6 months.

 

Losing your dad had to have been horrible, and I don't blame you if you have issues with depression as a result of that. There is no shame in seeking help.

 

But all your other "problems" are laughable. I am your age and I have been self-sufficient since my family disowned me after an emotionally traumatizing experience I had in college. I dealt with not being able to afford school, with unemployment, having no health insurance, $5 in my bank account, and selling plasma for rent after making a decision to buy gas in lieu of food. I made ends meet, I graduated, I found a job, and I don't complain anymore, because almost everyone still has it tougher. There is misery everywhere, I am lucky to be smart and whole.

 

If you can truly feel sorry for yourself for not having a trust fund, you need a wakeup call. Not everyone is from that income bracket.

 

Personally, I don't even buy that your family is that bad. You mentioned in another thread that you're an "orphan" - is your mom dead too, or do you just like to exaggerate??

[hoping2heal]

 

"I'm going to sound like a heinous bitch when I say this, but that's the one thing that bugs me about you "nerds" you can be so damn book smart but when it comes to wisdom and life you can be limp as a wet noodle."

 

I'm sorry but this comes across as horrifically callous to me. I grew up with so much neglect and abuse in so many ways. I've been used by so many family members and people I trusted. I've been humiliated in ways that I care not to describe here, but they are horrific to the extent that anyone with a rational mind could easily say "Wow, that's... really messed up." Physical, emotional, sexual abuse -- you name it. I grew up without proper food or medical care and even today I still have injuries that have not yet been fixed. I find it really offensive that you'd imply that I have no "wisdom" or understanding of "life" when it's those very skills that got me here. Not just book smarts.

 

I'm so burnt out. I don't think anyone understands how burnt out I am. I feel very alone and unrelatable.

 

If you came from all of that abuse and neglect, and you have everything you do now - you should be the FIRST person to know how very fortunate you are. It is sad to me that instead of you seem to be the very last. You need to make your health a priority and be evaluated. You could be potentially suffering from PTSD as a result of the abuse/neglect and that could also be making things worse on you.

[VertexSquared]

It's hard for me to feel any sympathy for your financial problems when you have an Ivy League degree and a job on Wall Street. Just like it was hard for me to relate to your post about resorting to hiring hookers because you couldn't find a girlfriend for 6 months.

 

Losing your dad had to have been horrible, and I don't blame you if you have issues with depression as a result of that. There is no shame in seeking help.

 

But all your other "problems" are laughable. I am your age and I have been self-sufficient since my family disowned me after an emotionally traumatizing experience I had in college. I dealt with not being able to afford school, with unemployment, having no health insurance, $5 in my bank account, and selling plasma for rent after making a decision to buy gas in lieu of food. I made ends meet, I graduated, I found a job, and I don't complain anymore, because almost everyone still has it tougher. There is misery everywhere, I am lucky to be smart and whole.

 

If you can truly feel sorry for yourself for not having a trust fund, you need a wakeup call. Not everyone is from that income bracket.

 

Personally, I don't even buy that your family is that bad. You mentioned in another thread that you're an "orphan" - is your mom dead too, or do you just like to exaggerate??

 

My mother died very recently because of a blood problem. I am am orphan now.

 

Do you have any idea how hard it is to get into an Ivy? Let alone like 5 of them? Or how hard it is to land a good job on Wall St having grown up in a horrible family? Or how hard it is to manage such massive loans? It's one thing to be poor. It's another thing to be poor with big loans. My current job is a damn-near necessity, and even so, money is still tight.

 

It's not about "not having a trust fund" -- you're horribly misconstruing the argument. I'm nowhere near that. Unless you grew up fending for most of your own food/clothing/education expenses as a child while also trying to avoid all sorts of horrific abuse, stop acting like my problems are so miniscule. Many things I haven't listed here because I honestly shouldn't NEED to list everything out in great detail. They're very hurtful aspects of my past -- many of which are arguably worse than simply losing parents.

[johan]

You're not going to get very far by trying to get people to agree with you your life has been unusually tough. They've already made it clear they don't buy it. There's no question you've faced some hardships, but so have we all.

 

You'll get people to connect with your issues if you don't make excuses for it all and instead just deal with the real issue: how you feel about yourself and how you can stop feeling that way.

 

If you want pity, forget it. You're supposed to be a man.

[pandagirl]

My mother died very recently because of a blood problem. I am am orphan now.

 

Do you have any idea how hard it is to get into an Ivy? Let alone like 5 of them? Or how hard it is to land a good job on Wall St having grown up in a horrible family? Or how hard it is to manage such massive loans? It's one thing to be poor. It's another thing to be poor with big loans. My current job is a damn-near necessity, and even so, money is still tight.

 

It's not about "not having a trust fund" -- you're horribly misconstruing the argument. I'm nowhere near that. Unless you grew up fending for most of your own food/clothing/education expenses as a child while also trying to avoid all sorts of horrific abuse, stop acting like my problems are so miniscule. Many things I haven't listed here because I honestly shouldn't NEED to list everything out in great detail. They're very hurtful aspects of my past -- many of which are arguably worse than simply losing parents.

 

Vertex, it seems like you are really angry, and it makes sense, to me at least. Perhaps the reason you are defending yourself so much and reacting in this manner is because no has ever *been* there for you. You've never had that nurturing, parental figure in your life, to tell you that they were proud of you. What you probably want is for us to feel bad for you and give you a hug, like a parent would.

 

You keep on talking about your achievements, which ARE amazing, but I don't know what you want us to do, besides saying that it's great. Are you frustrated that you've accomplished all these things in your life, and you still feel the same as you always have? Were you expecting your education and job to make you feel better about yourself?

[dispatch3d]

SEE A THERAPIST. CALL A HOTLINE.

 

SEE A THERAPIST. CALL A HOTLINE.

 

SEE A THERAPIST. CALL A HOTLINE.

 

**** CAN GET BETTER BUT YOU HAVE TO:

 

SEE A THERAPIST. CALL A HOTLINE.

 

YOU WILL BE FINE. GO TALK TO SOMEONE NOW.

 

1-800-273-talk

 

just call it. Talk to the person. It's pretty easy, just pick up the phone.

[dispatch3d]

Like you said, you need some support, and they can provide it. This post is looking for help, but really they will give better help than I could ever hope to offer.

[VertexSquared]

Vertex, it seems like you are really angry, and it makes sense, to me at least. Perhaps the reason you are defending yourself so much and reacting in this manner is because no has ever *been* there for you. You've never had that nurturing, parental figure in your life, to tell you that they were proud of you. What you probably want is for us to feel bad for you and give you a hug, like a parent would.

 

You keep on talking about your achievements, which ARE amazing, but I don't know what you want us to do, besides saying that it's great. Are you frustrated that you've accomplished all these things in your life, and you still feel the same as you always have? Were you expecting your education and job to make you feel better about yourself?

 

I just want to know that I'm on the right track. I feel like I'm not. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. The higher-education life is the sort of life that you always read about as being an escape. When things get bad, education sets you free. I feel like education has indeed set me free, but only halfway. It's brought me to a FAR better lifestyle than I experienced growing up, but I still feel so broken inside, and all these stressors in my life are constant reminders of things from my past, because had the past been different, these stressors wouldn't even be here. I'm so tired of having "suck up and take it like a man" be my only goddamned option in life!

 

I've been raped, beaten, extorted, humiliated, degraded, abused, and deprived of things that make me feel so irreparably screwed up. And all people can ever say to me is "get over it." Or "Here, take these meds." It utterly disgusts me.

[Wink Tobasco]

you had bad prents, that is a fact and it's pointless to waste too much energy wishing it wasn't so. When you start wishing the impossible...you need to cut it short.

 

Your peers have family support, you don't. It's another fact that won't change. Don't waste too much time wishing for the impossible.

 

Life has been harder for you. Working your way through school was hard, but you did it.

 

Often your first few GF will not work out.

 

You've had it harder than most middle to upper class kids. But there are plenty of people who have it harder.

 

Life is what it is, you didn't have parental support when many to most did. You can't change that. Focus on survivng, paying your way, and someday thriving.

Good Luck.

[pandagirl]

 

I've been raped, beaten, extorted, humiliated, degraded, abused, and deprived of things that make me feel so irreparably screwed up. And all people can ever say to me is "get over it." Or "Here, take these meds." It utterly disgusts me.

 

See, you're misinterpreting everything everyone is saying into something really negative. All MOST of us are saying if you want to see change within yourself, you have to make a first step, and the most logical step is to seek professional help. Did anyone say: "Take a pill! It will make you magically happy"?

 

It's up to you whether you're ready to make that step. Maybe you still have some years of feeling this way. I remember what motivated me to finally get help is that I was so sick and tired of myself and I wanted to change.

 

Maybe you're not ready to make that step yet.

[Ruby Slippers]

I've been raped, beaten, extorted, humiliated, degraded, abused, and deprived of things that make me feel so irreparably screwed up. And all people can ever say to me is "get over it." Or "Here, take these meds." It utterly disgusts me.

My childhood sucked, too, and I could make a long list of things that happened to me that some might find shocking.

 

I understand that you feel alone because most people don't understand or care. You go through life not saying anything because you don't want to feel sorry for yourself, and then when you finally do say something, it's hard to get any real understanding or compassion.

 

Most of the friends and romantic partners I've had come from supportive and well-to-do families that seem totally unreal to me. And they just don't get it.

 

I think you need to make some friends who DO get it -- people who have been through some of the things you have. You can find them at support groups and through other channels, or you can be very direct about it and find a great counselor.

[NYCGirly]

So I've read most of the thread and Vertex, I first want to say that I'm sorry for the way you're feeling right now. It's not a good feeling...to sometimes feel like death would be a reprieve to all of the sadness you're going through. I won't say, "go see a therapist" because you know what, that's not always the answer for some people. I've battled through depression during my undergrad years (went to an Ivy myself) and seeing counselors did absolutely nothing for me.

 

What I can say is that it did help me to look at things with some perspective. While I thought I had it bad, I knew that somewhere in the world, someone had it worse. I had the power to change my circumstances while others were true victims to theirs (i.e. cancer, war, famine, etc). It seems like most of your problems are fixable, you're just not doing anything about it and are instead allowing yourself to be victimized. Stop doing that.

 

For one, I think you need to break up with your gf- it seems like she's adding to your daily stresses (whether it be feeling like you're not good enough for her or dealing with her lying about an ex). After reading your OP, it's clear you just aren't in the emotional state right now to be in a relationship. You want to be fair to her and yourself? Break up until you're fully healed.

 

Secondly, move out of the city. Money is a huge stress factor for a lot of young people living in the city above their means. While I currently live in the city, I'm in the process of moving because guess what, school loans and city living are eating a huge hole in my wallet leaving me depressed about money every dang day. It's not worth it. Live outside the city and commute. You'll start to notice your mood change dramatically once you start to see your bank account growing because of all the money you're saving.

 

That's basically it in terms of the advice I can give. We've all been there my friend. Some more than others. It's easy to just lie down and die. The challenge comes when you actually stand up and fight for the life you want. You have your health, all of your senses and all of your limbs in tact. That alone puts you far above a lot of people on this earth. Don't take that for granted.

[VertexSquared]

See, you're misinterpreting everything everyone is saying into something really negative. All MOST of us are saying if you want to see change within yourself, you have to make a first step, and the most logical step is to seek professional help. Did anyone say: "Take a pill! It will make you magically happy"?

 

It's up to you whether you're ready to make that step. Maybe you still have some years of feeling this way. I remember what motivated me to finally get help is that I was so sick and tired of myself and I wanted to change.

 

Maybe you're not ready to make that step yet.

 

I'm not against seeking professional help but at the same time I feel like that isn't the answer, somehow. All they can really do is listen to me vent and possibly prescribe medicine that's meant to somehow mess with my brain chemistry in some surface-level way. I just don't think that's going to help me. I don't know how else I can view my situation in a positive light.

 

Again, even if I treat the past as an entirely sunk cost -- a fully independent unit -- I can't change these feelings I have about things I experience every day. I'm constantly finding that I can't rely on people. I'm constantly finding that I can't live the same lives as my friends/peers or even my girlfriend. I'm constantly finding that I really have nobody in this life other than my girlfriend. But, at the same time, I can't simply base the worth of my existence off another human being. It's just so hard to process the added value of my existence here. All I feel is pain and loneliness and feelings of guilt resultant from my inability to be the kind of person I want to be along any given facet of my life.

 

I'd love so much to intellectualize my past as its own entity and simply move onto a healthier margin. It's what I've been trying to do for years now. It's just that I sometimes worry that my past makes me so damaged and unrelatable that it's going to harm my interactions with everyone I encounter in life. I worry that I have deep-seated errors overriding otherwise logical/rational motors of my psyche that I don't even know about. All the while it just makes me wonder if it's really worth living anymore. It's like when you see a horribly damaged apple in the supermarket. It's beyond repair and no longer suitable for any use to anyone -- including itself.

 

I could certainly avoid taking my own life and try to scrape what residual utility I can until I die naturally -- whatever happiness I can salvage. But I feel like any slight bump -- any minuscule, paltry gain that I may be able to extract -- will be offset by some massive downfall. It's the only pattern I'm familiar with in my own life. While I am fully aware that it's not a pattern EVERYONE experiences, it's a pattern I keep running into over the course of my own life.

[VertexSquared]

It seems like most of your problems are fixable, you're just not doing anything about it and are instead allowing yourself to be victimized. Stop doing that.

 

For one, I think you need to break up with your gf- it seems like she's adding to your daily stresses (whether it be feeling like you're not good enough for her or dealing with her lying about an ex). After reading your OP, it's clear you just aren't in the emotional state right now to be in a relationship. You want to be fair to her and yourself? Break up until you're fully healed.

 

Secondly, move out of the city. Money is a huge stress factor for a lot of young people living in the city above their means. While I currently live in the city, I'm in the process of moving because guess what, school loans and city living are eating a huge hole in my wallet leaving me depressed about money every dang day. It's not worth it. Live outside the city and commute. You'll start to notice your mood change dramatically once you start to see your bank account growing because of all the money you're saving.

 

That's basically it in terms of the advice I can give. We've all been there my friend. Some more than others. It's easy to just lie down and die. The challenge comes when you actually stand up and fight for the life you want. You have your health, all of your senses and all of your limbs in tact. That alone puts you far above a lot of people on this earth. Don't take that for granted.

 

If my problems sound fixable to you, please tell me how to fix them.

 

I've brought this up to my girlfriend already -- I've told her that sometimes I feel like I'm not ready to be in a healthy relationship until I sort these demons out. But my worry is that I'll be giving up someone amazing. My other worry is that I can never repair myself. My ideal solution is to keep the girlfriend and figure out how to fix myself. This is what I am aiming to accomplish, but I just don't know how.

 

As for the city, I do agree. I had been planning to move out of the city once the lease expired so that I could just commute in at a lower cost.

[NYCGirly]

If my problems sound fixable to you, please tell me how to fix them.

 

My two suggestions re: the gf and moving out of the city are how I feel like you should start to fix things.

 

Your gf is a crutch. It's pretty obvious now. You're using her to fill the void your family left. That's not healthy. You need to feel whole on your own without creating such a dependency on someone else because when that happens, you'll begin to forgive trespasses the other person commits out of fear of losing him/her. You'll start putting up with bs no sane person would. This will not help you build your self worth which is part of the healing process.

 

Again, the money aspect is just a circumstance of your living situation really. You have a good paying job which again puts you far ahead of a lot of people. But you're not realizing that when you're constantly breaking even every month after your expenses/bills. But you already know all this. As I said, I'm in the process of moving and have realized that with the decrease in rent and spending habits the city brings out, I'll be saving close to $1500/month. That's already making me more of a happy person

[hoping2heal]

Vertex, you're being sort of unreasonable.

 

You are telling us that you can hardly tell which way is up, but at the same time you seem to know that seeing a professional cannot help you, and is not in the answer.

 

Considering the things you have described it is highly possible you suffer from PTSD among other things. I think seeing someone who specifically deals with the types of trauma you have been through can be extremely helpful in helping you to put back the pieces of your life so they make sense again.

 

I am not sure what you want anyone to do for you or what expectations you are holding if you will not even help yourself.

[VertexSquared]

My two suggestions re: the gf and moving out of the city are how I feel like you should start to fix things.

 

Your gf is a crutch. It's pretty obvious now. You're using her to fill the void your family left. That's not healthy. You need to feel whole on your own without creating such a dependency on someone else because when that happens, you'll begin to forgive trespasses the other person commits out of fear of losing him/her. You'll start putting up with bs no sane person would. This will not help you build your self worth which is part of the healing process.

 

Again, the money aspect is just a circumstance of your living situation really. You have a good paying job which again puts you far ahead of a lot of people. But you're not realizing that when you're constantly breaking even every month after your expenses/bills. But you already know all this. As I said, I'm in the process of moving and have realized that with the decrease in rent and spending habits the city brings out, I'll be saving close to $1500/month. That's already making me more of a happy person

 

1500 more per month? How on earth do you figure? For me, moving out only saves something like $500. How are you calculating it? I am assuming there is some cheaper place to live that I am somehow completely unaware of?

[dispatch3d]

You can always get professional help, and if it doesn't work just go off it. No risk to you. Give it an honest try for 2-3 months.

 

What you're doing right now isn't working to recover from this. May as well try something different to get better.