Stress/sadness is overwhelming and I don't want to do something stupid

[VertexSquared]

I'm seriously losing it and I feel dangerously unstable... I need someone to listen and I need to be pointed in the right direction. I don't know how to organize this post, and at this point I don't care. I don't care if my points offend/upset anyone, either. I don't care if it's long because I anticipate nobody will read this anyway. Maybe you'll read two points and skip to the end and simply write "Get help! Call a therapist!" or something. I need to *intellectually understand what the hell's going on and how I can fix it.*

 

Things that cause me stress / things that have been difficult work (in no particular order):

 

-Grew up fairly neglected. Often made fun of by my own family for being "nerdy." I was into academics/computers/language/art/etc -- all considered "nerdy and wimpy" when compared to my brother, who was dumb as a rock but really into sports.

 

-Grew up without much financial support. I had a huge house but my parents never really spent money on me, whether for fun things or for education.

 

-Father passed away senior year of high school in a car crash.

 

-Worked my ass off to get perfect SAT scores and become val with many, many Ivy uni acceptances -- probably the happiest moment of my life because I felt like my life's work meant something.

 

-Mom abandoned the household after Dad died -- left my brother and I to fend for things while she was away most of the time. We often went hungry and without money.

 

-Luckily, I was able to escape that pain by going off to college far from home. However, I had to pay my way through college, working fulltime while pursuing my Bachelors under an extremely difficult courseload. Grades suffered, mental health suffered.

 

-My first girlfriend, whom I was with senior year of high school until the end of freshman year college, was a LDR that went downhill. We grew apart.

 

-Second girlfriend (soph year - junior year college) was an alcoholic. Did not treat me well at all. I was too attached to sex, but after a while I didn't even like having sex with her. I was so afraid of being alone that I put up with a lot of her crap until we eventually broke it off.

 

-During this period in college I actually did see a few counselors to help vent a lot of this stress, but nothing helped me much. All they did was listen -- but I wanted answers and they were seemingly unable to provide them.

 

-I graduated with no job prospects because I was always so busy trying to make ends meet. I could only take out so much in loans. A long-lost relative reached out to me and offered to house me while I looked for employment. However, it turned out to be a fraud because he was really just wanting me to help him with his business for free. In the meantime I was stuck in a house without any means of getting around (outskirt suburbia), no food, no money, no job, no computer (my old laptop died out), no social life, etc. I was able to leverage my school network and find a job here in NYC in finance that paid well enough to handle my rent and student loans, although money is still fairly tight on the margin after expenses.

 

-It's so impossible to keep up with my peers. They all have parental support networks in some way. If something goes wrong, they can always go home or ask for help. I can't do that. It's hard to see so many of your friends have it so easy.

 

-I met my third girlfriend off eH -- she turns out to be amazingly wonderful. We get along famously in so many ways. She's intelligent, cute, thoughtful, etc, but she causes me stress because I am *not* as thoughtful as she is. I feel like she is giving me more than I am giving her.

 

-At the same time, there was that recent incident where she lied to me over contacting an ex. It damaged trust but we agreed to move forward. However, it still hurt me quite a bit. Everything else in our relationship has been great. The contact incident was a function of curiosity and not romantic feelings for the ex.

 

-There's a mail problem with current rent and my roommates are acting so nonchalant about everything. If they have a problem, they just get their parents to fix things. I feel like nobody is responsible for themselves anymore and I can't count on anyone.

 

-I feel like I have no control over my life. Anything good I acquire gets taken from me against my will in some way.

 

-I'm always stressed/upset/blankly staring off into space without realizing it. Sometimes I'll be in a good mood with my girlfriend and then I'll suddenly become apathetic and/or upset and want to be alone. It's causing my girlfriend unfair stress when this happens.

 

-I'm constantly getting headaches and it makes this whole thing so much worse.

 

-I'm having trouble sleeping -- I either can't sleep until 2 am or I get tired really early. I'm always tired/devoid of energy throughout the day and all I want to do is sit still and stare at something.

 

-I can't think clearly anymore. My mind used to be so sharp-witted and acute, and now it's a hazy mess of pain and cloudiness and I can't think my way through this massive tangle of confusion.

 

-I can't keep up with my girlfriend financially. I want to give her gifts and be able to vacation with her and go out to dinner more often... but I'm always finding that I can't afford something or that it'd risky to spend so much. Luckily, she's been pretty understanding about this. The guilt still eats at me, however.

 

-I'm not pleased with my health. My parents never really took me to the doctor/dentist growing up, and so I have no idea what's going on inside. Do I have low/high cholesterol? Am I lacking vitamins? I have no idea. I hate my body. I'm what you'd call "skinny fat" -- I'm like 6'3" and I look normal in size/frame but I'm actually out of shape (low muscle mass, I guess). It makes it hard for me to let go and fully enjoy having sex.

 

-I hate not having a family. I spend so much time nowadays with my girlfriend's family -- and it's been wonderful over these holiday seasons. But at the same time I hate that I can't do this with my own family.

 

-I keep thinking about death lately and how easy it would be to just null out sensory input. This thread isn't meant to discuss God, but anyone with a decent understanding of our universe fully understands what happens when we die: Nothing. Pretty much the same thing you experienced before birth. When I think about entering this state of non-existence again, I find it almost peaceful. But at the same time, this scares me because life is such a precious thing full of beauty and I don't want to die. However, the pain is just so unbearable.

 

-I feel like I can't discuss this stuff with my girlfriend. She doesn't deserve to have that kind of burden unloaded onto her. She knows I've had a troubled past and she wants to help me, but I feel like that isn't her responsibility. But at the same time I can't keep entering these random depressions, because it affects her, too.

 

They always say "the pain is temporary" but it's total bunk to me. My entire life has been one long waiting-game. I've constantly been waiting for this temporary period to be over. When will things ACTUALLY get better? I feel like I am constantly getting crapped on in life. Any time I become happy, something happens to take that happiness away. I want so badly to regain mental stability and a sense of happiness. But I have nobody to talk to about this without scaring them. I don't know where else to go. I feel like nobody loves me or cares for my wellbeing. Nobody cares about how much work I've put into anything. Nobody is honest with me anymore. Nobody would care if I died today (I don't have many people in my life to begin with) -- life would move on for everyone else as they'd adapt.

 

I really need someone on the outside to tell me what the hell is going on and what I need to do.

Edited December 13, 2010 by VertexSquared

[Feelin Frisky]

I read your entire post and feel I have a lot in common. My parents had too many kids, too young in their life, in too small an apartment in a row house in Brooklyn NY. I was the first of my generation and got shorted on so many things--including nurturing, investment of capital and was the constant victim of a war of passive aggression on me by my sister which often resulted in me being beaten.

 

I have a millions issues but have put myself in places and times to have developed vision of a unique media arts work that could be a big time success. Resoling all the poritive and old negatives fills my mind to the extent that I lose sleep too.

 

I have been treated for depression and anxiety. I see symptoms of the same in you. My experience has been that talk therapy is horse puckey for a lot of people. We have a chemical mechanism driving us to cyclicle thoughts and worries. We can't out think our feelings and thoughts--we just keep feeling. Only medicine worked for me. It took a little while for me to see the changes in myself so I could understand what was going wrong. Taking Prozac was like putting a pair of eyeglasses on an out of focus mind. I learned to cease "feeling" so much and for the first time, gain some control over what I would deliberately concentrate on and what I would exclude. There's no way I could have accomplished this view otherwise IMO. It wasn't that subtle--it was pretty pronouced. I was a better person. And I continue to take my medice every day--looking at it as a nutrient I seem to need to not drive myself crazy.

 

My advice is to see an MD psychiatrist and don't take any talk therapy bs. Tell him or her you have been in crisis--don't repeat all the things you said here. Tell your psychiatrist about how busy your mind is, that you have contemplated your end, that you have been in "crisis mode" for some time and you need genuine medicine now. Bear in mind that today's meds are often gentle and transparent. You don't feel anything from them when you take them. When they work, the result in changes in your intensity. If you are successful in finding the right med, you will find a new self emerging--one who can choose his feelings from reason rather than having his feelings flood into the gut as a result of amplified frustrations. Good luck and be well. You can PM me if you wish.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I also read you whole post, and I agree with Frisky.

 

I've been to some pretty bad places compliments of depression and other issues. I've had a serious battle with addiction in my life because I needed so desperately to get someplace other than where I was inside my head.

 

The right meds can and will help you. I struggled with that for years too. Being "in recovery," I had a fear of "needing" pharmaceuticals to function well. It reminded me of my feelings about other drugs. Also, I tried probably dozens of prescriptions which did not work. The really good news is that I found something at last that did and continues to work. I accept that it is good for me, and the way my life is is proof enough of that. It did not trigger any forays into further drug or alcohol use for me, and I don't feel "weak," dependent or embarrassed at all because I take a medication that works on my brain.

 

With all you shared about your history, I will splinter from Frisky's perspective and say that I feel that you might well benefit from talk therapy -

but AFTER you find some medical relief.

 

Take care of yourself. You sound like a lovely man.

[pandagirl]

My suggestion is NOT to take medical advice from community forums.

 

I don't doubt the intelligence or good intentions of the people telling you to get on meds or whatever, but you should really consult a professional first.

 

I suffer from some of the same things you mentioned. I do talk therapy, along with meds, as taking meds will not ALONE solve these issues. But, I went to a psychiatrist, got an evaluation, etc.

 

What IS clear, is that you are suffering to the point of making you ill, which is not acceptable or any way to live.

 

In the time being, please try to not be so hard on yourself! You should be proud of where you are in life, and you should give yourself a lot of credit for that.

[northern_sky]

One obvious mistake I see you repeatedly making, that is pretty fixable if you start to recognize it, is, to be totally blunt, you have terrible, terrible taste in women. I am sure this is related to your troubled relationship with your mother.

 

I don't really understand what you look for other than girls who are Asian and crazy and liable to make you unhappy. Not to imply that there's anything wrong with Asian women, but I think this arbitrary criterion seriously limits your options. You need to prioritize more important qualities.

[GooseChaser]

First off, you can't change your past and the situation you were born into. All you can do is make the most of the cards you are dealt. Things might be hard, but with work and time you can make things better.

 

Try not to compare yourself to others so much. Your brother, for example, might have strengths in sports, but that doesn't take away from the value of your strengths. Both of you are talented in your own ways. It's also unfair to put yourself down for not having the same options available to yourself as your peers do. They have their circumstances, and you have your own; everyone has to make due with what they have. They might have it easier, but there are advantages to your situation too. You are able to learn from experience to be self-reliant, and these lessons you learn from tough times will help you. People who are too shielded from the world by their parents sometimes don't get that opportunity and it hurts them later. It's good to be responsible for yourself when possible.

 

Not everything is taken from you. Think about it, what has been taken that you can't eventually get back? This reminds me of a quote from the book "Man's Search for Meaning", by Viktor E. Frankl (pages 89-90). He is in a concentration camp and giving a motivating talk to his fellow prisoners.

 

So I began by mentioning the most trivial of comforts first. I said that even in this Europe in the sixth winter of the Second World War, our situation was not the most terrible we could think of. I said that each of us had to ask himself what irreplaceable losses he had suffered up to then. I speculated that for most of them these losses had really been few. Whoever was still alive had reason for hope. Health, family, happiness, professional abilities, fortune, position in society-- all these were things that could be achieved again or restored. After all, we still had all our bones intact. Whatever we had gone through could still be an asset to us in the future. And I quoted from Nietzsche: "Was mich nicht umbringt, macht mich stärker." (That which does not kill me, makes me stronger.)

 

... I also mentioned the past; all its joys, and how its light shone even in the present darkness. Again I quoted a poet-- to avoid sounding like a preacher myself-- who had written, "Was Du erlebst, kann keine Macht der Welt Dir rauben." (What you have experienced, no powers on earth can take from you.) Not only our experiences, but all we have done, whatever great thoughts we may have had, and all we have suffered, all this is not lost, though it is past; we have brought it into being. Having been is also a kind of being, and perhaps the surest kind.

 

... I told my comrades... that human life, under any circumstances, never ceases to have a meaning.... They must not lose hope but should keep their courage in the certainty that the hopelessness of their struggle did not detract from its dignity and its meaning.

 

Another thing that this author argues is that the mind is connected to the body. If the mind is stressed, the body can become stressed as well. It could help if you try to relax more. In my opinion, from the effects you have described, you are showing a few signs of depression. They include insomnia, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, headaches, and thoughts of suicide. You might want to find some way to make that better.

 

I think you could really make things better if you try! You mention some things that you can improve on, so why not try working on those? Maybe you are having financial difficulties right now-- so many people are-- but maybe in time you will make progress in your career and earn raises or more. You say that you hate not having a family. Well, you might not have that support system, but perhaps someday you will have a family of your own. That is worth the wait and effort, isn't it? Also, if you are concerned about your health, it would be good to visit the doctor and/or the dentist for a checkup. You are also lucky to have such a caring girlfriend, and she is there for you if you need it.

 

Best wishes!

[Feelin Frisky]

.. I don't doubt the intelligence or good intentions of the people telling you to get on meds or whatever, ...

 

Gee. How nice of you to say. I love to put so much into a post just to be told how unintelligent and meanigless my personal insight and experience is. Merry Christmas, peace and good will.

[xpaperxcutx]

Look at it this way- your past is your stepping stone to who you are today, aside from that, it's better not to look back. If you constantly look to the past for comfort, you will never look forward to the future.

[OceanGirl]

You always sound like a wonderful guy - your girlfriend is definitely lucky to have you. I do think that you have had it very rough and it's no wonder that it has affected you as much as it has.

 

At this point in time, it sounds like you are suffering from clinical depression. It's also manifesting in the physical symptoms and lack of sleep by itself will pull you further down in the negative spiral.

 

If I were in your position, I would make an appointment with a GP and tell him/her about this and physical symptoms. You will most likely get AD and/or sleep meds for temporary use and this will help you hugely. After that, consider talk therapy.

 

((hugs))

[pandagirl]

Gee. How nice of you to say. I love to put so much into a post just to be told how unintelligent and meanigless my personal insight and experience is. Merry Christmas, peace and good will.

 

You're taking it the wrong way. I didn't say you were unintelligent or that your story was meaningless -- not sure how you got that message from my post.

 

No matter what he tells us on this forum, we don't REALLY know him well enough to evaluate him in a professional manner.

[LondonS]

Sorry I only read half of your post but I only have one thing to say, when I start pondering over what life didnt give to me, I counter think myself into what life has given to me.

Just think of the less fortunate, disabled who cant walk, terminally ill, blind.. then you,ll see how much you have to actually thank for.

we all go through issues in our early age which though leave scars but also make us strong...so focus and work from your strongest points and start looking at what is rather then what could have been

[Mme. Chaucer]

Well, I think the common thread in the advice given here has been to get to a professional.

 

Though it's wise not to take input from strangers on the Internet as gospel, taking it into consideration can provide much to consider in seeking a starting place.

 

Sure, professionals are ... the professionals. But a person who is in pain with no one to turn to might find themselves in a very difficult situation if they pick a name out of the phone book.

 

Many of us need to hear that there is no shame in meds, and that there are good ones out there. Ultimately, the choice whether to take them or not belongs to the individual and to the responsible prescribing doctor.

 

Vertex, I went around and around about all that literally for more than a decade. Finally, one day I was at an all time low; I was doubting my ability to function and I was incredibly burdened by responsibility which included and intense job, dealing with my father's estate and all the sibling trouble that came with that, and my mom with Alzheimer's who was living with me. I have poor medical insurance and can rarely get in to see the same doctor twice at an HMO. I got in that day, saw whatever doc was available, and told him that I needed chemical help right away. I told him that I would not take benzo's or other "tranquilizers" due to my past drug problems. I was very clear and articulate, but I could not stop tears from flowing the whole time I talked, so I suppose I presented a messed-up enough image for him to take me seriously.

 

Anyway, that's what got me on a good track. Please find your way to a good one too. A starting place is your GP.

[hydorclops]

Getting some help is the right idea. You have more to lose than you might think, so begin soon and work it hard.

 

I've gotten help from medication and therapy. Like Mme. Chaucer, my first life-line came from a GP. That's a good place to start if you're not sure what to do.

[Feelin Frisky]

You're taking it the wrong way. I didn't say you were unintelligent or that your story was meaningless -- not sure how you got that message from my post...

 

Oh, excuse me then. Next time someone comes on and posts that they "doubt the intelligence and good intentions" of posters when mine was one of only two posts in which the second person mostly agrees with me, I'll be sure to not think that it is being implied by the subsequent poster that my intentions and intelligence were for shi+ when he or she says so.

[kiss_andmakeup]

I'm not going to say I understand what you've been through, because I don't. However, I think the fact that you've achieved things that many people with perfectly healthy upbringings don't (acceptance into ivy league schools, a college degree) is something you should be so extremely proud of. I'm always impressed by the maturity, level-headedness, insight, and sheer intelligence displayed in your posts. I don't think you give yourself enough credit for the things you've overcome.

 

I do agree with the posters who said that it sounds like Major Depressive Disorder and/or Generalized Anxiety Disorder might be factors at play here. Can you afford to see a physician? Do you have health coverage through work?

[sweetjasmine]

I was able to leverage my school network and find a job here in NYC in finance that paid well enough to handle my rent and student loans, although money is still fairly tight on the margin after expenses.

 

Have you thought about ways to reduce your fixed expenses, like rent? If money being fairly tight is causing you stress, it might be worth it to live a little further away and commute. Maybe you could look around and calculate rent for various places and find out how much your company/firm provides for travel expenses. You might be able to subsidize all your commute expenses.

 

-It's so impossible to keep up with my peers. They all have parental support networks in some way. If something goes wrong, they can always go home or ask for help. I can't do that. It's hard to see so many of your friends have it so easy.

 

Well, you don't have to keep up with them. Do you feel like you do?

 

It sounds like a cliche, but, seriously, you're going to be better off in the long run by learning how to get by on your own. Although my background is different from yours, I've also met a lot of insulated Ivy kids who were incapable of taking care of themselves without mommy and daddy around to do everything. I know people who got by based on their parents' cash and connections, and they really would be screwed if their parents could no longer help them, whereas I know if I have to go it alone, I'll land on my feet somehow.

 

And don't discount your friends as a source of support, either. It's awkward and uncomfortable to ask for help from friends when things go wrong, but they're there.

 

-I met my third girlfriend off eH -- she turns out to be amazingly wonderful. We get along famously in so many ways. She's intelligent, cute, thoughtful, etc, but she causes me stress because I am *not* as thoughtful as she is. I feel like she is giving me more than I am giving her.

 

Based on what I remember from skimming some of your other stuff about her, that's probably just who she is. It's not the end of the world if one partner is giving more than the other, provided there's no resentment on either side. Do you think you could accept that?

 

-There's a mail problem with current rent and my roommates are acting so nonchalant about everything. If they have a problem, they just get their parents to fix things. I feel like nobody is responsible for themselves anymore and I can't count on anyone.

 

If your roommates are irresponsible and nonchalant about problems with rent payment, then you're right that you can't count on anyone. Just figure out a way to cover your a--. I don't know what the problem is, but do what you have to do -- talk to them, get things in writing, contact your landlord or management company.

 

-I feel like I have no control over my life. Anything good I acquire gets taken from me against my will in some way.

 

You've worked very hard to get where you are. You've got a good job and a place to live in one of the most expensive cities in the world, and it's not because you were lucky and privileged. Don't minimize your own accomplishments even if you're having a difficult time with the way things are.

 

-I'm always stressed/upset/blankly staring off into space without realizing it. Sometimes I'll be in a good mood with my girlfriend and then I'll suddenly become apathetic and/or upset and want to be alone. It's causing my girlfriend unfair stress when this happens.

 

It's hard to be with someone who is stressed out and depressed, but she needs to be understanding that it makes you moody, and you need to take steps to do something to help yourself, namely, looking for a therapist who can work well with you.

 

-I'm constantly getting headaches and it makes this whole thing so much worse.

 

-I'm having trouble sleeping -- I either can't sleep until 2 am or I get tired really early. I'm always tired/devoid of energy throughout the day and all I want to do is sit still and stare at something.

 

-I can't think clearly anymore. My mind used to be so sharp-witted and acute, and now it's a hazy mess of pain and cloudiness and I can't think my way through this massive tangle of confusion.

 

I agree with the other people who have said it sounds like you're depressed. That might be why you're having trouble sleeping, why you're getting headaches, why you feel like you can't think clearly.

 

-I can't keep up with my girlfriend financially. I want to give her gifts and be able to vacation with her and go out to dinner more often... but I'm always finding that I can't afford something or that it'd risky to spend so much. Luckily, she's been pretty understanding about this. The guilt still eats at me, however.

 

The guilt comes from your own expectations.

 

-I'm not pleased with my health. My parents never really took me to the doctor/dentist growing up, and so I have no idea what's going on inside. Do I have low/high cholesterol? Am I lacking vitamins? I have no idea. I hate my body. I'm what you'd call "skinny fat" -- I'm like 6'3" and I look normal in size/frame but I'm actually out of shape (low muscle mass, I guess). It makes it hard for me to let go and fully enjoy having sex.

 

Find out how your insurance works and go see a GP for an annual physical and blood work. Call tomorrow. Go to a dentist for a check-up/cleaning. Try scheduling in some exercise here and there, even if it's walking around the block a few times. Take it all step by step. Write up a list of things you need to get done, and start going through it, one thing at a time. If it helps, ask your girlfriend to remind you or ask you if you've called X or done Y yet.

 

She knows I've had a troubled past and she wants to help me, but I feel like that isn't her responsibility. But at the same time I can't keep entering these random depressions, because it affects her, too.

 

Which is why it would be a good idea for you to work this out with a therapist. She's probably not equipped to help you with your feelings about your family, and I don't think anyone here is, either. It might take a while to find someone who can help you out, but it'll be worth the search.

[Ariadne]

I'm seriously losing it and I feel dangerously unstable...

 

Sorry about what you are going through. It's tough. Hugs.

 

You can try and listen to talks by this guy. He is funny and uplifting and has covered all the tough subjects.

 

Hope you feel better soon.

[Imajerk17]

V^2--

 

Get therapy. Seriously. You've gone through an awful lot and there is absolutely no shame in going for professional help.

[VertexSquared]

But I don't think I can get the proper help without spending a lot of money on a professional.

[pandagirl]

But I don't think I can get the proper help without spending a lot of money on a professional.

 

You have a full-time job with health insurance, right?

[VertexSquared]

Yes, but it's not like it's free healthcare. I pay for medical insurance/dental insurance and that's about it (opted out of most other forms).

[eerie_reverie]

When I read your posts, all I hear is, "wah wah."

 

Sucks that your dad died but I feel like all the other "issues" you listed just showcase your entitlement problem.

 

I don't know anyone with a perfect life, or, at our age, anyone whose parents still pay their rent. I can't relate to your "problems" at all. Aside from your dad passing away, I feel like I (and everyone that I know) has had it much tougher. I think that you like to feel like a victim.

 

Get some help.

[pandagirl]

Yes, but it's not like it's free healthcare. I pay for medical insurance/dental insurance and that's about it (opted out of most other forms).

 

If you have basic medical insurance, you can go to your GP, and just pay that copay. Tell him about how you're feeling, and your doctor depending on his evaluation of you, will most likely prescribe you an anti-depressant.

 

Also, in terms of therapy, there are a lot of places that offer sliding scale prices.

[northern_sky]

When I read your posts, all I hear is, "wah wah."

 

Sucks that your dad died but I feel like all the other "issues" you listed just showcase your entitlement problem.

 

I don't know anyone with a perfect life, or, at our age, anyone whose parents still pay their rent. I can't relate to your "problems" at all. Aside from your dad passing away, I feel like I (and everyone that I know) has had it much tougher. I think that you like to feel like a victim.

 

Get some help.

 

I was afraid to say it, but this is exactly what I was thinking.

[hoping2heal]

I'm seriously losing it and I feel dangerously unstable... I need someone to listen and I need to be pointed in the right direction. I don't know how to organize this post, and at this point I don't care. I don't care if my points offend/upset anyone, either. I don't care if it's long because I anticipate nobody will read this anyway. Maybe you'll read two points and skip to the end and simply write "Get help! Call a therapist!" or something. I need to *intellectually understand what the hell's going on and how I can fix it.*

 

Things that cause me stress / things that have been difficult work (in no particular order):

 

-Grew up fairly neglected. Often made fun of by my own family for being "nerdy." I was into academics/computers/language/art/etc -- all considered "nerdy and wimpy" when compared to my brother, who was dumb as a rock but really into sports.

 

-Grew up without much financial support. I had a huge house but my parents never really spent money on me, whether for fun things or for education.

 

-Father passed away senior year of high school in a car crash.

 

-Worked my ass off to get perfect SAT scores and become val with many, many Ivy uni acceptances -- probably the happiest moment of my life because I felt like my life's work meant something.

 

-Mom abandoned the household after Dad died -- left my brother and I to fend for things while she was away most of the time. We often went hungry and without money.

 

-Luckily, I was able to escape that pain by going off to college far from home. However, I had to pay my way through college, working fulltime while pursuing my Bachelors under an extremely difficult courseload. Grades suffered, mental health suffered.

 

-My first girlfriend, whom I was with senior year of high school until the end of freshman year college, was a LDR that went downhill. We grew apart.

 

-Second girlfriend (soph year - junior year college) was an alcoholic. Did not treat me well at all. I was too attached to sex, but after a while I didn't even like having sex with her. I was so afraid of being alone that I put up with a lot of her crap until we eventually broke it off.

 

-During this period in college I actually did see a few counselors to help vent a lot of this stress, but nothing helped me much. All they did was listen -- but I wanted answers and they were seemingly unable to provide them.

 

-I graduated with no job prospects because I was always so busy trying to make ends meet. I could only take out so much in loans. A long-lost relative reached out to me and offered to house me while I looked for employment. However, it turned out to be a fraud because he was really just wanting me to help him with his business for free. In the meantime I was stuck in a house without any means of getting around (outskirt suburbia), no food, no money, no job, no computer (my old laptop died out), no social life, etc. I was able to leverage my school network and find a job here in NYC in finance that paid well enough to handle my rent and student loans, although money is still fairly tight on the margin after expenses.

 

-It's so impossible to keep up with my peers. They all have parental support networks in some way. If something goes wrong, they can always go home or ask for help. I can't do that. It's hard to see so many of your friends have it so easy.

 

-I met my third girlfriend off eH -- she turns out to be amazingly wonderful. We get along famously in so many ways. She's intelligent, cute, thoughtful, etc, but she causes me stress because I am *not* as thoughtful as she is. I feel like she is giving me more than I am giving her.

 

-At the same time, there was that recent incident where she lied to me over contacting an ex. It damaged trust but we agreed to move forward. However, it still hurt me quite a bit. Everything else in our relationship has been great. The contact incident was a function of curiosity and not romantic feelings for the ex.

 

-There's a mail problem with current rent and my roommates are acting so nonchalant about everything. If they have a problem, they just get their parents to fix things. I feel like nobody is responsible for themselves anymore and I can't count on anyone.

 

-I feel like I have no control over my life. Anything good I acquire gets taken from me against my will in some way.

 

-I'm always stressed/upset/blankly staring off into space without realizing it. Sometimes I'll be in a good mood with my girlfriend and then I'll suddenly become apathetic and/or upset and want to be alone. It's causing my girlfriend unfair stress when this happens.

 

-I'm constantly getting headaches and it makes this whole thing so much worse.

 

-I'm having trouble sleeping -- I either can't sleep until 2 am or I get tired really early. I'm always tired/devoid of energy throughout the day and all I want to do is sit still and stare at something.

 

-I can't think clearly anymore. My mind used to be so sharp-witted and acute, and now it's a hazy mess of pain and cloudiness and I can't think my way through this massive tangle of confusion.

 

-I can't keep up with my girlfriend financially. I want to give her gifts and be able to vacation with her and go out to dinner more often... but I'm always finding that I can't afford something or that it'd risky to spend so much. Luckily, she's been pretty understanding about this. The guilt still eats at me, however.

 

-I'm not pleased with my health. My parents never really took me to the doctor/dentist growing up, and so I have no idea what's going on inside. Do I have low/high cholesterol? Am I lacking vitamins? I have no idea. I hate my body. I'm what you'd call "skinny fat" -- I'm like 6'3" and I look normal in size/frame but I'm actually out of shape (low muscle mass, I guess). It makes it hard for me to let go and fully enjoy having sex.

 

-I hate not having a family. I spend so much time nowadays with my girlfriend's family -- and it's been wonderful over these holiday seasons. But at the same time I hate that I can't do this with my own family.

 

-I keep thinking about death lately and how easy it would be to just null out sensory input. This thread isn't meant to discuss God, but anyone with a decent understanding of our universe fully understands what happens when we die: Nothing. Pretty much the same thing you experienced before birth. When I think about entering this state of non-existence again, I find it almost peaceful. But at the same time, this scares me because life is such a precious thing full of beauty and I don't want to die. However, the pain is just so unbearable.

 

-I feel like I can't discuss this stuff with my girlfriend. She doesn't deserve to have that kind of burden unloaded onto her. She knows I've had a troubled past and she wants to help me, but I feel like that isn't her responsibility. But at the same time I can't keep entering these random depressions, because it affects her, too.

 

They always say "the pain is temporary" but it's total bunk to me. My entire life has been one long waiting-game. I've constantly been waiting for this temporary period to be over. When will things ACTUALLY get better? I feel like I am constantly getting crapped on in life. Any time I become happy, something happens to take that happiness away. I want so badly to regain mental stability and a sense of happiness. But I have nobody to talk to about this without scaring them. I don't know where else to go. I feel like nobody loves me or cares for my wellbeing. Nobody cares about how much work I've put into anything. Nobody is honest with me anymore. Nobody would care if I died today (I don't have many people in my life to begin with) -- life would move on for everyone else as they'd adapt.

 

I really need someone on the outside to tell me what the hell is going on and what I need to do.

 

It's understandable you would feel hurt and angry and resentment over your family situation. You didn't have much of a loving or supportive one prior to your dad dying and things only got worse after that.

 

Okay. So, when is the part where you start living in today and not your past?

 

You are so angry and upset and jaded over all of these unfortunate and unfair things that have happened to you over the course of your life and it is causing you to be blinded to what you do have now.

 

If you do not like your health? Do something about it. Get your own ass to the doctor and get a check up and then get to the gym or find some other reasonable means of physical activity.

 

Okay, not much you can do about the family who kind of dogged you from birth but one day if you get over all of this you may find your own family with your own children and have your own memories.

 

I know some things that have happened to you are difficult but life is not as black and white as "well my friends all have it easy and I don't" You don't always know what people who appear to have it easy externally are dealing with on the inside. There are many people who could only WISH they had your life, compared to yours (yes really) there are many, not a few but MANY people who have gone through way more effed up things with their families than you ever did. I know that doesn't make what you went through any easier - but you seriously need to grow up and get some perspective.

 

I'm going to sound like a heinous bitch when I say this, but that's the one thing that bugs me about you "nerds" you can be so damn book smart but when it comes to wisdom and life you can be limp as a wet noodle.

 

Bad things are going to continue to happen your whole life. So are good things, if you let them or you notice them. Quit letting the past steal away your present and your future.

Edited December 14, 2010 by hoping2heal