alex1960 Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 After some very sound advice from LS members, I successfully stopped the emotional affair I had with a colleague. You guys are awesome. It's not like we had been connected for ages so it all went away pretty smoothly with no drama. Now, my wife told me she's going to meet up with the guy who is chasing her, just to really end things and move on. When I asked her whether she was meeting him for coffee, it turns out she is having dinner with him! Leave aside her history for a moment. I thought they had agreed to close the story and hadn't been talking for a while. I thought perhaps a phone call or coffee to end things beautifully would be appropriate. But why on earth is it dinner?
anne1707 Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 She should not be having dinner with him to end this! A phone call or email is enough. This shows such a lack of respect for you and should not be tolerated. You know this is wrong. Do not accept this behaviour.
Author alex1960 Posted December 13, 2010 Author Posted December 13, 2010 Ok so what do I do? My wife says she has never slept with him and is no longer attracted to him. They also have to discuss a common project together (at night?)! Should I leave her because of something like this, especially with the other thread where a guy was completely misled by his friend?
reservoirdog1 Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 She should not be having dinner with him to end this! A phone call or email is enough. This shows such a lack of respect for you and should not be tolerated. You know this is wrong. Do not accept this behaviour. This. Anything more than a phone call -- especially if the guy's only been "chasing her" and nothing more than that has happened between them -- is inappropriate, and sends a truckload of wrong signals. Not just to him, but more importantly, to YOU.
BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 Why did you stop your emotional affair, before your wife ended hers?
Author alex1960 Posted December 13, 2010 Author Posted December 13, 2010 Why did you stop your emotional affair, before your wife ended hers? Because it seemed like the right thing to do and I was quickly losing interest in my colleague too.
Author alex1960 Posted December 13, 2010 Author Posted December 13, 2010 This. Anything more than a phone call -- especially if the guy's only been "chasing her" and nothing more than that has happened between them -- is inappropriate, and sends a truckload of wrong signals. Not just to him, but more importantly, to YOU. That's for sure. Her rationale is that she wants to be in good terms with him, she doesn't want him to be hurt and so forth.
tinktronik Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 That's for sure. Her rationale is that she wants to be in good terms with him, she doesn't want him to be hurt and so forth. Your wife is still putting her relationship with him above her relationship with you. She should not be concerned with good terms with the OM or about his hurt, she should be concerned with fixing your marriage and your hurt and being on good terms with you.
Author alex1960 Posted December 13, 2010 Author Posted December 13, 2010 Your wife is still putting her relationship with him above her relationship with you. She should not be concerned with good terms with the OM or about his hurt, she should be concerned with fixing your marriage and your hurt and being on good terms with you. And I would agree with you. However my wife says she needs to be in good terms with him, that she's only spending one dinner with him and the rest of her life with me, yadiyadiyada. She also claims she has been upfront that she's seeing him for work and that there's no sexual innuendo here. With arguments like that, we could punch each other and still disagree...
tinktronik Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 And I would agree with you. However my wife says she needs to be in good terms with him, that she's only spending one dinner with him and the rest of her life with me, yadiyadiyada. She also claims she has been upfront that she's seeing him for work and that there's no sexual innuendo here. With arguments like that, we could punch each other and still disagree... She's rationalizing and excuse making in order to clean sweep any future contact she has with this man, and she's playing down her own behavior. Good luck OP.
reservoirdog1 Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 That's for sure. Her rationale is that she wants to be in good terms with him, she doesn't want him to be hurt and so forth. She's breaking my heart. Firstly, this guy is pursuing her, despite knowing full well that she's married. (Your marital misdeed aside.) That makes him an enemy of your marriage, because he's trying to undermine it. There isn't room in your marriage, or in her life as a woman married to you, for another man who's trying to get in her pants. And thus no reason for her to be on "good terms" (or any kind of terms, actually) with him. If nothing's happened between them, other than some flirting, then her telling him she can't see him anymore shouldn't cause him more than a modest amount of pain. Nothing he can't get over. Basically, you need to put her to a choice. Which is more important to her: your feelings, or his? Because if she meets up with him, or ends the interaction with more than an email or a phone call, then she's disrespecting you and giving you the answer to that question in very stark terms. Again, I recognize that you're not innocent in all of this. But two wrongs don't make a right.
Author alex1960 Posted December 13, 2010 Author Posted December 13, 2010 And just to clarify, by ending things, she doesn't mean no contact at all since they sometimes have to work together. She basically wants to be friends with him and thinks that is possible since she made it clear that nothing's going to happen.
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 And just to clarify, by ending things, she doesn't mean no contact at all since they sometimes have to work together. She basically wants to be friends with him and thinks that is possible since she made it clear that nothing's going to happen. How did she prove to you that she ended it? Cause... sounds like a snowjob to me. At this point she feels like you are such a puss that she can do whatever and you have no recourse. Personally... I'd sit her down and let her know that she has just two choices 100% you, or 100% not you. She seems to be trying to make fence sitting into an art. Hell, she is pretty much sleeping on the fencepost... face down with her mouth around the post. I guess the question is this. Can you stand up to her or not?
anne1707 Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 And I would agree with you. However my wife says she needs to be in good terms with him, that she's only spending one dinner with him and the rest of her life with me, yadiyadiyada. She also claims she has been upfront that she's seeing him for work and that there's no sexual innuendo here. With arguments like that, we could punch each other and still disagree... I work with the ex-OM so I need to be on "good terms" with him for work but there is no way that I would ever spend time alone with him like this. It's just wrong. It just reeks of affair.
Author alex1960 Posted December 13, 2010 Author Posted December 13, 2010 How did she prove to you that she ended it? Cause... sounds like a snowjob to me. At this point she feels like you are such a puss that she can do whatever and you have no recourse. Personally... I'd sit her down and let her know that she has just two choices 100% you, or 100% not you. She seems to be trying to make fence sitting into an art. Hell, she is pretty much sleeping on the fencepost... face down with her mouth around the post. I guess the question is this. Can you stand up to her or not? She doesn't know it but I do have access to her email and lately she's been clean. As for standing up to her, I would stand up to her and swing the post anyday. Our daughter is holding me back.
Author alex1960 Posted December 13, 2010 Author Posted December 13, 2010 I work with the ex-OM so I need to be on "good terms" with him for work but there is no way that I would ever spend time alone with him like this. It's just wrong. It just reeks of affair. Of course, your comment worries me. You see my wife initiated the meeting not him. Clearly they were able to cut off the relationship for a few weeks and I was hoping they could maintain this situation for a while. My wife thinks a few weeks is enough and that they'll be able to focus on work (at night). Is she naive, am I jealous, or maybe this is all a dream...
BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 You marriage is hemorrhaging badly, and it's time to think about putting it out of it's misery. Suggest a separation, and make sure you tack on, that she'd be free to see him as much as she likes. Her reaction will be very telling. It will either let her know how seriously it hurts you and she won't want to meet with him, or she'll be okay with it, in which case, maybe it is the best idea.
tinktronik Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 You marriage is hemorrhaging badly, and it's time to think about putting it out of it's misery. Suggest a separation, and make sure you tack on, that she'd be free to see him as much as she likes. Her reaction will be very telling. It will either let her know how seriously it hurts you and she won't want to meet with him, or she'll be okay with it, in which case, maybe it is the best idea. I second this. It's time to show your hand.
BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 Just be sure not to phrase it as, "Go see him and we're getting separated.", but as "You completely disregard my emotions and I'm done." Don't make it about this specific incident, but a general lack of concern for you.
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