GreenPolicy Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 (edited) My ex fiancee left me two months ago. Story here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253770/ Nothing but radio silence from her since that day, so it's sinking in that she has totally moved on and will not be coming back to me. Not to mention that it would be hard to trust her to not flake out again and it would take a lot of counseling and heart to heart talks to get back to a better place. I've been observing NC, and my brain tells me all the right and rational things about how this will pass, I'll eventually find love again, etc. I'm in counseling. I've set some goals for myself in the next few months and I'm leaning on my support network of friends and family. I feel like I'm doing everything right except for the fact that I CANNOT stop obsessing and agonizing over this. I think about it ALL THE TIME. I know she is not responsible for my happiness and I have to move on. But it is so much easier said than done. What makes it harder is that we were practically engaged. I know that she loved me, not just because she said it, but because of her actions throughout the relationship. And I know that she did want to get married before obviously having a change of heart. I obsess over the fact that if we don't get back together, and in all likelihood we won't, she will date again and I will be replaced. It's been two months so for all I know that's already happened. We made these future plans together, and she gets to go on with her life while I I have to adjust on the fly to a radical different reality than the one we planned together. I have to grieve this relationship while she goes on her merry way. It's been two months, so I know that it's unrealistic to be completely over this. If I were, then it would mean my feelings for her were not that strong. How do you let go and accept it? I know that I was the greatest love of her life and she came closest to committing to a long-term future with me than anybody she ever dated. She sat her parents down to tell them I was The One and wanted to arrange a dinner so both sets of parents could meet. She introduced me to her biological father, something she'd never done before with anybody she'd ever dated. So the breakup is something I am having great difficulty processing. Everybody I have talked to has said that her actions are just not consistent with that of an emotionally stable person, and on an intellectual level I know that's true and she's no good to me in a relationship if I can't trust her and she can't be more stable. I know she is not responsible for my happiness, but how am I supposed to feel when your best friend and lover leaves you out of the blue? Looking back on the last month of our relationship, I can see she contemplated it for a few weeks at most. It would have taken too much energy to fake being in love and fake wanting to get married. She's a Christian, and a month before she left me, we were hanging out, and she said that she wanted to be in heaven right now. I was a bit taken aback by that, and said "What about us and our future together?" And she said "Oh, I'm not suicidal or anything, but I'd rather be in heaven right now than here." When she left me, she said that she didn't feel like she could love me the way I wanted to be loved and needed to be loved, and I told her I didn't feel neglected at all. And she said that when I gave her compliments, she didn't feel like that person on the inside. And right around a month before she left me, she said that she is more reserved and shy and that her loving style is different from mine and she can't love me the same way I love her, and asked if I was okay with that. And I said I didn't see what the problem was. How do you let go? How do you stop worrying about what they're up to? I'm doing NC for my emotional protection, but how do you stop worrying about the fact that sooner or later you will be replaced? Does NC help you get to a point that you don't know what they're up and don't care? I'll never look at the wedding/engagement announcements in the Sunday paper again, for fear of seeing her engagement announcement someday in the future. I'll never look her up on fb. I feel like I have to treat her like she is dead. Edited December 13, 2010 by GreenPolicy
gerib38 Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 I dont know how to tell you to move on ...i think at some point you just do... my ex came back after 6 weeks of nc .. i was soo happy at first but then realized he really hurt me and i did not trust his feelings anymore .. i told him i could not do it again and that i felt strong enough to move on .. and i know i have to ... i wish u luck and i think you have to realize that thatey arent moving on as fast as u think they r either ... my bf didnt have a gf for 2 yrs before me why would i think he can suddenly find one overnight? Noone can tell u when u will get over it ... just take care of yourself concentrate on you and eventually you will realize that u are actually ok
Author GreenPolicy Posted December 13, 2010 Author Posted December 13, 2010 Anybody have any tips or advice? I want to let go, I am putting myself through agony.
TheGrimSweeper Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 Just keeping busy and bettering yourself is the best thing you can do. And try to minimize your alone time as thats when its the worst (at least with me). I'm in the same boat, go out with friends have fun and talk to other girls, it helps boost your confidence back up. Believe me i think im in the same spot you are (2 weeks NC, still in the "hell" period) and it sucks, espeically when I'm alone its the absolute worst, I almost had a breakdown last night. And absolutely do not look at their facebook or anything like that.
cj2 Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 I here you on this one, I posted my break up story a few days back (have a read if you want, warning its pretty long though). http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t256576/ Much like you, I was by far her most serious and by far her longest relationship. She said, right up to the week before we broke up, that she wanted to marry me and eventually wanted children with me and that I was the only person who's ever made her feel that way. I was going to propose on Christmas day and I'm now just dreading the whole festive period. Its really tough to understand how someone can suddenly go from feeling that way to giving up all hope and being sure in themselves that its over. Like you I feel that shes out there enjoying her life again, whilst I'm left to pick up the pieces. I've had 2 weeks NC, although she text me once in that time and it can be really tough, earlier today I was so tempted to contact her. When it gets to that point I just ask myself the question though, what good will come out of it if I do? Are we going to get back together if I text her, certainly not. Would it work if we did get back together, after everything thats happened I can't see it working. Will it make me feel worse, most probably. I'm following all the usual advice, getting out and about, seeing friends, going to the gym etc. Its helping, but its a very gradual process (very very gradual). Also writing down how you're feeling helps. I've written a lot over the last month or so and looking back it makes you realise just how far you have come. You've said your in counselling, one thing I've tried that has really helped is hypnotherapy. I've got a mp3 download that I've been listening to each night. It hasn't stopped me thinking about her, but it has helped improve my outlook and given me a more positive frame of mind. Might be worth a try?
homebrew Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Green.... Hang in there! I confused your situations and Sudden in the other thread... So if you read again what I wrote in the other thread... It was to you and not Sudden. Sorry about the confusion!
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