How much "effort" in the beginning...

[Movingthrough]

Always wanted to have a discussion on this topic. I know you always hear that you need to take it slow in the beginning, let things happen..

 

I feel like there are two ways that it goes in the beginning: the natural "wow" where you wake up one day and you are like man this is going so smooth, there is no wondering or little games played, you know you will hear from the person and it just "naturally" came together.

 

The other is one that requires a little more work, messages or phone calls are kind of sparatic, and both people really have their own lives. You talk when you can, meet when you can and one day after weeks it does or doesnt go into something.

 

For the last one, it requires from a mans point of view to do a little more "work". Showing the girl you care, playing it cool and going with the flow, but it can also leave you wondering..due to the fact that its going "slow".

 

What this leaves me thinking is, does dating or the begininng of a relationship have to be like my first example? This "magical" connection that just works out and comes together?

 

Sometimes I feel like if the "magical" connection isnt there and really moving into something fast right from the start, that you might be setting yourself up for failure....what do you guys think?

Edited December 13, 2010 by Movingthrough

[waynebrady]

Two ways? There is only one way, and that goes for every relationship that has ever existed or ever will exist.

 

The man initiates contact. The man asks the woman out... For every date ever. The man initiates every phone call, every text, every email or whatever contact... At all times. The man puts in all the effort and does everything to prove his worth and win her over.

 

How much effort in the beggining? 0% if you are a woman, 100% if you are a man.

[Movingthrough]

Two ways? There is only one way, and that goes for every relationship that has ever existed or ever will exist.

 

The man initiates contact. The man asks the woman out... For every date ever. The man initiates every phone call, every text, every email or whatever contact... At all times. The man puts in all the effort and does everything to prove his worth and win her over.

 

How much effort in the beggining? 0% if you are a woman, 100% if you are a man.

 

I agree with a lot of what you're saying but I think the problem is the thin line between a girl just "going" with it, and actually wanting to be courted etc. Maybe its my ego, but I always worry about the whole "well I was trying to be nice to him" stuff. The girl may not make most of the effort, but she at least needs to show a sign of interest, which I feel can be hard to dictate if the guy is doing all the "work"........ ?

[westrock]

Sometimes I feel like if the "magical" connection isnt there and really moving into something fast right from the start, that you might be setting yourself up for failure....what do you guys think?

 

Lots of relationships that start out with that magical connection fail. What one defines as things going "slow" is relative.

 

The first way is preferred but not necessarily realistic. It would be great, but nothing ever runs that smooth forever. Eventually issues will come up and unless people are prepared, they will be disappointed that it's no longer so smooth running when the issues come up. If they are unprepared to handle the bumps in the road, then failure will follow.

 

The second way is more realistic. People are busy. They have lives. However, it's still important that they show interest towards each other. As long as they are moving in the right direction then that is positive.

[Movingthrough]

Lots of relationships that start out with that magical connection fail. What one defines as things going "slow" is relative.

 

The first way is preferred but not necessarily realistic. It would be great, but nothing ever runs that smooth forever. Eventually issues will come up and unless people are prepared, they will be disappointed that it's no longer so smooth running when the issues come up. If they are unprepared to handle the bumps in the road, then failure will follow.

 

The second way is more realistic. People are busy. They have lives. However, it's still important that they show interest towards each other. As long as they are moving in the right direction then that is positive.

 

I know that most of my relationships that have moved slower ended up being longer, more serious relationships as time went on.

 

I have just recently gotten back into the dating world and met a girl that so far has been pretty cool. I'm not one of those crazy guys that calls, texts, and goes nuts but I do find myself wondering a lot, like well if I'm not really hearing from her unless I make the effort, should I just steer clear?

 

When we do talk its always good and we seem to have a good connection for only knowing each other for a few weeks, but as a man and an adult, I can admit I have an issue with the fact that I seem to be doing most of the work.

 

This is hard to admit, but I feel like with technology and the way we all are with our phones nowadays, that if you dont hear from someone or they dont think "hmm I want to send him a message" that they basically dont care. I'm a firm believer in family, relationships, friendships etc that you actions speak louder then words and effort should be made. So now that I'm dating again and putting myself out there I wonder about the way I should "take" things as far as the initial steps in a relationship...

 

I'm not trying to make this discussion all about me, just using it as an example. I just have always felt that the guy puts a lot on the line at the start and never really knows where he is "at" since he is doing all the work..

Edited December 13, 2010 by Movingthrough

[westrock]

I just have always felt that the guy puts a lot on the line at the start and never really knows where he is "at" since he is doing all the work..

 

What exactly is a "lot" that you are putting on the line? Your ego?

 

You've only known her a few weeks. That's too short of a time to make any conclusion one way or the other. If you see things progressing in the right direction then see where it goes. But, if it's too slow for you then move on to the next person. You can also multi-date if you are not exclusive and are comfortable doing that.

[mo mo]

Hii I'm new here, posting for the first time. I've been browsing this forum for the past week or so because I'm in a challenging situation and I have found that this community is pretty good and the advice given can be therapeutic.

 

SO

 

I am interested in this topic as well. There's a girl I work with that I am interested in, but when we first met she was seeing someone. I was still friendly with her and at one point I had told her that I think we would be a great couple. She explained that she was committed, etc. but I just explained that was how I felt and it sucked because that dude basically got in before I ever even met her.

 

A few weeks passed and she eventually broke up with him. She warmed up to me quite a bit during those few weeks and I believe I am the only person at work that knows she is currently single. I let her know that I did not change my mind about what I had told her a few weeks ago, and we've been talking at work, getting lunch together, pretty often since.

 

My issue right now though is that I know she just got out of this relationship, so I don't want to push forward too much or smother her. She does seems interested in me, that's really not what I am worried about. I am worried about keeping the attraction alive. See, in the beginning, everything seemed to be going smoothly, as indicated in the first scenario in the original post. But then, reality sunk in and we haven't really been able to talk on the phone or text each other too much since we are on different schedules and have different responsibilities outside of work. I do feel that I am putting in all the effort to communicate with her, which leaves me wondering just how interested he is. Logic and the wise words I have read on this site tell me to just relax, but my feelings tell me she should try to put a little more effort to get in touch with me outside of work.

 

SO what do you guys think? Should I just relax and give it more time? Or should I be more aggressive?

[daphne]

Going slow is preferable to a potentially more rewarding, long lasting relationship in my opinion. My quick flames have burned out quicker than the due date on my library books.

 

Also, women do prefer the man to initiate. Not because we're lazy and want to make the man jump through hoops (ok we do kinda like that who am I kidding.) But mostly it's because for those of us who have made the unfortunate mistake of early reciprocity have discovered that men DO LOSE INTEREST when the woman makes too much of an effort. Ii don't care what any guy says. It's like when a woman says we really like nice guys who are doormats. No we don't. And men lose interest in women who put a lot of effort into an early relationship. Attraction building is part of what makes relationships work. We have to sit there and wonder if you guys are going to be fickle, treat us well and ultimately keep calling. I think if it got us better results, we'd do a lot more calling and initiating. But it doesn't work most of the time. I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's my experience.

[mo mo]

Going slow is preferable to a potentially more rewarding, long lasting relationship in my opinion. My quick flames have burned out quicker than the due date on my library books.

 

Also, women do prefer the man to initiate. Not because we're lazy and want to make the man jump through hoops (ok we do kinda like that who am I kidding.) But mostly it's because for those of us who have made the unfortunate mistake of early reciprocity have discovered that men DO LOSE INTEREST when the woman makes too much of an effort. Ii don't care what any guy says. It's like when a woman says we really like nice guys who are doormats. No we don't. And men lose interest in women who put a lot of effort into an early relationship. Attraction building is part of what makes relationships work. We have to sit there and wonder if you guys are going to be fickle, treat us well and ultimately keep calling. I think if it got us better results, we'd do a lot more calling and initiating. But it doesn't work most of the time. I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's my experience.

 

OK fair enough. Now let me ask you this then. How does a guy know when he is trying TOO hard to get a woman's attention? He doesn't want to seem too nice and he doesn't want to smother, but if he is initiating everything and getting very little feedback, how will he know where to draw the line?

[daphne]

OK fair enough. Now let me ask you this then. How does a guy know when he is trying TOO hard to get a woman's attention? He doesn't want to seem too nice and he doesn't want to smother, but if he is initiating everything and getting very little feedback, how will he know where to draw the line?

 

That's a really good question that I wish the guy I am talking to would ask. First, you need to try to work on your ability to read women to know if you're getting the good vibe that your efforts are successful and the timing is good.

 

Then, be sure not to contact daily even if she is super interested. Every other day to every 3 days is great for most situations early on. This is to avoid fizzling out or smothering an otherwise perfectly great reciprocal interest. You'll have plenty of time when she's hooked to talk regularly. If you have a great date, build up to 2, then 3 weekly. If she's too busy for an extended period of time, she's either not interested or too busy to have a relationship. Unless she says it's temporary and that she really wants to see you and that she should be freed up by XX amount of time (not in 6 months) then you roll out. Maybe talk to her not to burn bridges but focus your efforts elsewhere.

 

Ultimately, it's the female's job to show her appreciation for your efforts and flirt with you to know that she likes the attention you're giving her. If she's shy or reserved until she knows you, you'll have to gauge that and be patient. Sometimes those are the warmest people and in time, what you invested will bring you a great return.

 

Build up is the best thing. Let her wonder how much you like her, but not to an extreme (just go slow don't be cold or a jerk.) It builds attraction so you don't have to worry about her a) taking you for granted b) losing interest when she was really interested initially. This all requires patience but it works.

 

Hope that helps.

[mo mo]

^^^ Ok that's some good advice, though I am not sure it applies to my situation because I have known and been talking to the girl I am interested in since September. We warmed up to each other very slowly at first, but at one point, maybe around Halloween we realized just how much in common we have. It was shortly after that when I threw out the "we'd be great together" line.

 

So it's like we've known each other for a while now and we got some stuff out in the open already. I just want to know how long before I ask her out? She broke up with her bf a little over a week ago.

[youngskywalker]

I know you always hear that you need to take it slow in the beginning, let things happen..

 

This.

 

In both of your examples you are simply going with the flow and letting things happen. If it's like dynamite in the beginning you go with it. If it's like molasses in january you still go with it. Trying to go against the flow in either of these situations is only go to stall the relationship or worse ruin it.

 

In the slow at first relationships there will come a time when one or both will express their feelings. Hopefully, it's either both yes or both no.

 

IME the dynamite relationships were the ones that seem to work out best. There will eventually be a pullback period and that is when we find out if the SO is the right one or not.

 

I believe dating is tic for tat. Easy as apple pie. When dating starts to become boring, frustrating, or non-reciprocating it's best to get out as soon as you can.

 

If you're both taking it slow then great! If you're both taking it fast then awesome for you! It's only when the style isn't matching that you need to take concern. There is no right or wrong way.

[daphne]

I just want to know how long before I ask her out? She broke up with her bf a little over a week ago.

 

Yeah it's different if you've known each other for a while. If their relationship was long and serious, I wouldn't ask her out til she's over it. Otherwise, you'll be a rebound. If it was a few months, give her a few weeks and stay in touch. Be flirty, friendly but without the push of an expected outcome. That's very attractive in a guy.

[youngskywalker]

Yeah it's different if you've known each other for a while. If their relationship was long and serious, I wouldn't ask her out til she's over it. Otherwise, you'll be a rebound. If it was a few months, give her a few weeks and stay in touch. Be flirty, friendly but without the push of an expected outcome. That's very attractive in a guy.

 

Yeah, be very careful in rebound relationships. If you're a rebound chances are it's not going to work. I would cast my chips on just waiting until you know she's over it and then make your move. I'm not saying she won't be delighted to go out with you, I'm sure she would but you are wasting your time unless you either dated her in the past or have a long history of friendship with her.

 

If you are a brand new guy she's only going to be thinking about her ex when she's out with you and never get a romantic feeling for you. That's a problem because once there is no initial romantic attraction chances are it will never develop.