Husband can be grumpy and have a quick temper

[motogirl]

I've been married for 11 months and am very happy with my husband. We are both very happy. I realize no relationship or person is perfect. I don't think I have unrealistic expectations.

 

That being said...my husband can be grumpy...really grumpy. He can also be quick tempered. My personality is the opposite...I am slow to anger and if I feel grumpy I keep it to myself. I am also a tad sensitive. We don't argue often, but these factors are the reasons we argue.

 

I guess I need help learning how to deal with our differences in temperaments. I'm tired of having my feelings hurt and keeping quiet about it. He will get mad over something (nothing in my opinion) and have an outburst and then never acknowledge that he's hurt my feelings. He just has a little outburst, gets over it and moves on like nothing ever happened while I continue to feel hurt.

 

I have posted about this here before but here is a more recent example:

 

He works third shift, so we are on opposite schedules which can be difficult but we make the best of it. Since he doesn't work on Sunday nights, he is home on Monday mornings when I am getting ready for work and the kids are getting ready for school. His routine is to stay up as long as he can on Sunday nights so he can go to bed Monday morning and sleep all day for work Monday night. Sometimes he stays in the living room all night and falls asleep early in the morning on the couch. Sometimes he comes to bed early in the morning before my alarm goes off. We have a small, three bedroom home and there is no place in the home he can be where he wouldn't eventually be awakened by someone on Monday morning. If he sleeps in bed with me, he's awakened when I get up and start getting ready in the adjoining master bath. If he sleeps in the living room, he's awakened by me or the kids getting breakfast in the adjoining kitchen or exiting through the living room door. I think this is an unavoidable part of life.

 

However, he is always grumpy when he is awakened. Last night he stayed in the living room and fell asleep on the couch. I got up and started getting ready for work. At one point, I remembered the dish washer needed to be emptied. Since my kids were out of school today, I thought I'd better empty the dishwasher before work so there wouldn't be a pile of dirty dishes in the sink when I go home tonight. Around the same time, my oldest son got up to go shovel the snow off the porch and walkways, which is one of his assigned chores. My husband was awakened by the noise, huffed loudly and cussed under his breath, walked by me in the kitchen muttering in a very grumpy tone "Since you guys are up and being noisy, I guess I'll go to bed" and went into the bedroom.

 

Okay, now he's in the bedroom and I still need to finish getting ready for work. I finished with the dishwasher and walked back through the bedroom to the master bath to dry my hair. At which point, he let out a massive sigh, rolled his eyes and stormed back out to the living room. I finished getting ready and when I walked through the living room to leave, he was sweet and acting like nothing had happened.

 

Well, I guess I'm really tired of keeping my mouth shut about it. So I quietly and in a nice tone said that I didn't know why he was so grumpy with me. Everyone in the house knew that at some point he would be awakened and move from the couch to the bed to sleep for the rest of the day...as he does every other Monday when he falls asleep on the couch. Seriously, if not me unloading the dishwasher, or my son clearing the snow, what about when I walked out the front door, when my kids needed to eat breakfast, etc. So, why did he feel the need to be grumpy over it? It's part of life and living with people versus living alone.

 

He doesn't think he was grumpy though. He doesn't think there was anything wrong with his comment. He says if he is grumpy, I should ignore him. He said it's not his fault I never wake up grumpy. I told him I do wake up feeling grumpy at times, I just know it's not anyone else's fault I'm feeling grumpy and as best as I can keep it to myself. He also said he's just grumpy and it's not really directed at me so I shouldn't care. I feel like it's directed at me though and it really upsets me because I always feel like whatever has him grumpy is not my fault.

 

He did apologize but did it in a way that made it sound like it was my issue and not just that he was grumpy and should have just kept his mouth shut. I pointed this out and then he said that I can never just let anything go, that I keep going over the same things over and over again, even after he apologizes and he doesn't know how to make me happy.

 

That hurt my feeling because for one thing, we only argue about his grumpy and quick tempered outbursts and for another thing I only bring it up again because he continues to have this behavior and never changes. I feel so hurt that he said this morning he doesn't know how to make me happy. This is such an exaggeration. We are both very happy the majority of the time.

 

I don't know what to do. I go out of my way to treat him (and my kids, and everyone else) really well...how I'd want to be treated. I very rarely, act grumpy or say quick tempered things. In my opinion, it's not anyone else's fault I'm feeling grumpy so I keep it to myself. The exception to this is when my kids have done something they knew they should not have done and I'm in discussing it with them. I may not have a pleasant tone then as I am expressing my displeasure at a behavior that needs corrected. His non-pleasant tones can be for any reason or just because he woke up feeling grumpy.

 

Anyway, this morning I was very upset at what he told me and cried and he told me just to tell him what to say to make me happy. I tried to explain that when he is sweet he is very sweet but when he is grumpy he is very grumpy and makes me feel bad. I don't want to be talked to that way or in that tone. He again said sorry he is not always pleasant like me and that I need to learn to let things go because he doesn't know what to do. I then asked if I need to just keep my mouth shut anytime my feeling are hurt and he said no, just b*tch about it for a minute and then go on. Then he told me good-bye, he loved me and he would get up at 6:30 tonight. He always gets up at 4:30, so he can eat with us before going to work. So that statement got me crying again and he acted like I'm insane and he couldn't figure out why I was crying. I ended up just keeping my mouth shut since I'd already been told I can't let anything go. I cried the first hour I was at work...luckily I have a private office.

 

I want to tell him that I wouldn't keep bringing this up if he didn't keep being quick tempered and grumpy. I want to tell him that I feel like there hasn't been resolution to this issue with us. I feel like he's saying that he has a right to say anything he wants in anytone he wants and be unreasonable and then act like nothing ever happened a short time later and I have to keep my mouth shut about it. Or if I don't, I can't let anything go and he can't make me happy. Also, please note he does this frequently. It's not just a once in a blue moon thing, it's several times a wekk that's he's grumpy like this. Sometimes I don't say anything about it but I guess I have said enough to make him mad about it.

 

How do I go about handling this situation? How do I cope with something that causes me a lot of hurt feelings in a marriage that is otherwise wonderful? Help please!

[Quiet Storm]

I'm kind of feeling your husband's point of view on this.

 

He isn't being verbally abusive or calling you names or anything. He told you not to take this personally. But you do take it personally, and that is your issue, IMO.

 

It sounds like he just gets in bad moods from time to time. Working third shift must be hard, but you want him to be phony and pretend?

 

Just because YOU are the type of person to hold in your feelings, does not mean should be.

 

It sounds like you probably grew up in different types of homes. You probably lived in a home where negative feelings were not supposed to be expressed. Therefore, any negativity makes you feel uncomfortable. This is not a healthy way to be.

 

He probably grew up in a home where he could express his feelings. If he was in a bad mood, he could express that and other family members would accept it, stay out of his way and not take his bad mood personally.

 

Everyone has negative thoughts and feelings. It's okay. Tell your kids "It's hard on Daddy to work 3rd shift. It makes him grumpy. Don't poke the bear today!"

 

The reason you feel that there has been no resolution is because you are expressing your feelings about his behavior with the expectation that he will change.

 

Express your feelings to get them out, to feel heard, to avoid resentment...but don't expect him to change. This is who he is...and really, it should be okay to be in a bad mood a few times a week.

 

If you cry and make him feel guilty whenever he is a bad mood, you are setting yourself up for a superficial relationship. He will fear your reactions, avoid you, or be phony to keep the peace.

 

A big part of marriage is acceptance.

[motogirl]

Thank you for your response. I can agree with most of what you are saying. Of course, people will be in a bad mood sometimes. However, despite his asking me to not take it personally and stating it's not directed at me, it usually seems to be.

 

I don't know how I am supposed to function on a Monday morning without one of his grumpy, p*ssed off episodes. I was in the kitchen for a few minutes unloading the dishwasher as quietly as I could and woke him up when he was asleep on the couch and would have been waking up soon to move to the bedroom to sleep anyway. So he storms right by me in the kitchen cussing and complaining that we were being noisy. Then he gets mad again because I have to go back in the bedroom a few minutes later to finish getting ready for work.

 

I guess my thought is, fine, if I should just accept his grouchy moods and careless, hateful sounding comments, shouldn't he just accept some things also? Like the fact that when he works third shift and doesn't live alone, he is going to sometimes be awakened when we are getting ready to leave on Monday mornings? I don't know why it's such a big deal for him. He has no trouble falling asleep again.

 

I know that working third shift is not easy and believe me, my kids and I make concessions to that. I take care of everything in the house and all of the finances and everything so that he doesn't have to deal with anything other than work and the occaisional vehicle maintenance. Our weekend family time and couple time revolves around his feelings and if he is tired and wants to sleep or feels like doing something with us. My kids are so careful always to not wake him when they come home from school in the evenings. And I adjust the time of dinner from night to night to accomodate how long he wants to sleep that day and and how early he will feel like getting up and eating.

 

I would just like him to be understanding of a few things too and treat me with the respect I always treat him. I would much prefer him to just say something like "I'm in a really bad mood and don't really feel like talking to anyone right now" over the comments he usually makes when he is in a 'mood'.

 

The other night, he slept longer than he wanted. He was grumpy the entire night until he left for work and impossible to please. All I did was ask how he was when I got home and he said "I'm f'ing up aren't I?" and got in the shower. Then when he got out of the shower he asked what was for dinner and he said he didn't really have time to wait for me to cook and then eat. He really did have the time...it was 5:45 and he didn't have to leave until almost 7:00. So he started to warm up leftovers and I was asking if he thought the pork chops I had thawed out would be okay until the next night and he got p*ssed and threw the leftovers in the trash and said whatever and he didn't feel like eating anything. Not warranted, in my opinion!

 

You are accurate about the different family situations. His family is given to little temper tantrums and outbursts and my family is more willing to keep bad moods to themselves.

 

I don't even get why he is so grumpy when he is awakened from sleep. I know third shift is hard but he gets at least 8 hours of sleep a day. Between me working full-time, taking care of the kids and their activities, completely taking care of the household chores and bills, etc....I sleep maybe 5 to 6 hours a night and have never acted this way just because someone wakes me up when I would rather be asleep.

[xxoo]

I don't even get why he is so grumpy when he is awakened from sleep. I know third shift is hard but he gets at least 8 hours of sleep a day. Between me working full-time, taking care of the kids and their activities, completely taking care of the household chores and bills, etc....I sleep maybe 5 to 6 hours a night and have never acted this way just because someone wakes me up when I would rather be asleep.

 

People who sleep during the day often don't get the same restful quality of sleep as people who sleep during nighttime hours. He may be in bed 8 hours and still be sleep deprived--esp if that 8 hours is interrupted and involves moving to different rooms.

 

I agree with what Quiet Storm has said above re: his occasional grumpiness. It doesn't sound out of the ordinary to me, and a different response from you might be the best approach. For example, could you respond with humor? Tease him for being a grumpy-gus?

 

Probably, though, if this were happening regularly in our home, we'd do some problem solving to prevent him from being woken up in the morning, or make the wake up gentler. If my H were asleep on the couch and I were about to tackle the dishes, I'd probably gently wake him first and suggest he move to the bedroom. That way, he'd wake to my kiss and voice, rather than the noise of dishes.

 

Another idea--can you move your stuff to a different bathroom to get ready in the morning? My H gets up a few hours before me on weekdays. He puts his work clothing in the living room every night so that he doesn't disturb my sleep in the morning. When logistics made it possible, he used the second bathroom instead of our master bath in the morning so that it would wake me.

[hoping2heal]

Thank you for your response. I can agree with most of what you are saying. Of course, people will be in a bad mood sometimes. However, despite his asking me to not take it personally and stating it's not directed at me, it usually seems to be.

 

I agree with the above poster. You might think that holding things in is a good thing, it is not. If your feelings are hurt? Your partner should know - because you tell them flat out. Sure, maybe you "act" in such a way that it is clear to see for some - but won't be for all. Your husband is just honest in his communication. Does that mean he should be hurting your feelings all of the time? No, but it is not exactly fair of you to state you are tired of having your feelings hurt all of the time, yet you don't tell him when he's done it but still expect him to acknowledge it.

 

A relationship needs good communication in order to ensure needs are met for both parties. If you do not know how to express your feelings and tell your partner when they are making you mad/sad/frustrated - there will be issues, and this post is a case in point.

 

I don't know how I am supposed to function on a Monday morning without one of his grumpy, p*ssed off episodes. I was in the kitchen for a few minutes unloading the dishwasher as quietly as I could and woke him up when he was asleep on the couch and would have been waking up soon to move to the bedroom to sleep anyway. So he storms right by me in the kitchen cussing and complaining that we were being noisy. Then he gets mad again because I have to go back in the bedroom a few minutes later to finish getting ready for work.

 

I guess my thought is, fine, if I should just accept his grouchy moods and careless, hateful sounding comments, shouldn't he just accept some things also? Like the fact that when he works third shift and doesn't live alone, he is going to sometimes be awakened when we are getting ready to leave on Monday mornings? I don't know why it's such a big deal for him. He has no trouble falling asleep again.

 

When people are overly tired they are very grumpy. I worked third shift at a retail job and it did not matter if I slept 13 hours - I still always felt drained from that. Third shift is HARD on the body. While you are absolutely right he should know better when he lives with people in the house and he shouldn't be taking it out on you for all being normal, he doesn't need to take it out on you either. Again, you need to be communicating how you feel - with words.

 

Also, get an arrangement where he can sleep and not be disrupted - that should already be in place - but since it is not, make it a priority ASAP.

 

I know that working third shift is not easy and believe me, my kids and I make concessions to that. I take care of everything in the house and all of the finances and everything so that he doesn't have to deal with anything other than work and the occaisional vehicle maintenance. Our weekend family time and couple time revolves around his feelings and if he is tired and wants to sleep or feels like doing something with us. My kids are so careful always to not wake him when they come home from school in the evenings. And I adjust the time of dinner from night to night to accomodate how long he wants to sleep that day and and how early he will feel like getting up and eating.

 

I can't imagine third shift being good for families. As I mentioned earlier, your body gets screwed up and I swear you hardly EVER feel "rested" it's really awful. Is it possible he could work something different?

 

I would just like him to be understanding of a few things too and treat me with the respect I always treat him. I would much prefer him to just say something like "I'm in a really bad mood and don't really feel like talking to anyone right now" over the comments he usually makes when he is in a 'mood'.

 

So tell him that, suffering in silence won't likely earn you a few extra halo's. So, it is best to just be direct.

 

The other night, he slept longer than he wanted. He was grumpy the entire night until he left for work and impossible to please. All I did was ask how he was when I got home and he said "I'm f'ing up aren't I?" and got in the shower. Then when he got out of the shower he asked what was for dinner and he said he didn't really have time to wait for me to cook and then eat. He really did have the time...it was 5:45 and he didn't have to leave until almost 7:00. So he started to warm up leftovers and I was asking if he thought the pork chops I had thawed out would be okay until the next night and he got p*ssed and threw the leftovers in the trash and said whatever and he didn't feel like eating anything. Not warranted, in my opinion!

 

You are accurate about the different family situations. His family is given to little temper tantrums and outbursts and my family is more willing to keep bad moods to themselves. [/quoteS]

 

Neither your way nor his is is healthy or productive for relationships. You both need to learn some things about communication. There are ways to express his frustration and bad mood that do not involve cutting people down or making them feel like crap. Also, this whole "keep things to yourself" thing you have going on needs to be done with and fast.

 

I don't even get why he is so grumpy when he is awakened from sleep. I know third shift is hard but he gets at least 8 hours of sleep a day. Between me working full-time, taking care of the kids and their activities, completely taking care of the household chores and bills, etc....I sleep maybe 5 to 6 hours a night and have never acted this way just because someone wakes me up when I would rather be asleep.

 

Did you ever feel that way? I'm not trying to say it's right the way he treats you guys, but obviously he is expressing himself and genuinely upset. Just because you aren't, does not mean he will feel the same thing.

 

Again, it all boils down to communication and you both need to work on that.

[motogirl]

People who sleep during the day often don't get the same restful quality of sleep as people who sleep during nighttime hours. He may be in bed 8 hours and still be sleep deprived--esp if that 8 hours is interrupted and involves moving to different rooms.

 

Monday morning is the only morning he is interrupted from sleep. All of the other mornings, we are gone before he gets home from work. On Monday mornings, I just can't win. Your suggestions are good but I still can't think of a way he would not be awakened. He usually falls asleep watching tv in the living room. Then he is awakened when we are eating breakfast or leaving. If he does come to bed, I have to have an alarm set and this wakes him up. We have no extra bedrooms, so no way around it.

 

Saturday night is the only night we ever get to sleep together and he's even grumpy a lot about Sunday mornings. If I let him sleep until noon, he wakes up saying "Why did you let me sleep this long? The day is almost over now." And if I try to wake him up at 10:00 he is grumpy that he was sleeping good and I woke him up. I don't know what to do!!!

[xxoo]

Monday morning is the only morning he is interrupted from sleep. All of the other mornings, we are gone before he gets home from work. On Monday mornings, I just can't win. Your suggestions are good but I still can't think of a way he would not be awakened. He usually falls asleep watching tv in the living room. Then he is awakened when we are eating breakfast or leaving. If he does come to bed, I have to have an alarm set and this wakes him up. We have no extra bedrooms, so no way around it.

 

Saturday night is the only night we ever get to sleep together and he's even grumpy a lot about Sunday mornings. If I let him sleep until noon, he wakes up saying "Why did you let me sleep this long? The day is almost over now." And if I try to wake him up at 10:00 he is grumpy that he was sleeping good and I woke him up. I don't know what to do!!!

 

To the bolded--this one is easy. Tell him that you don't want to be responsible for waking him on Sunday, and make an alarm clock available.

 

Why not wake him gently and ask him to move to the bedroom before you start making noise? It seems like a hug and a snuggle could be a softer waking that hearing people make breakfast or leaving.

[Quiet Storm]

I think you are both overwhelmed because of the shift work. And I think your family of origins have conditioned both of you to act and respond in certain ways.

 

For example, when he complains or is grouchy, you may be thinking "What does he want me to do? Grow up! Suck it up, buddy!" because you may assume that because he is complaining, he wants you to do something about it. In families where negative feelings are not welcome, just a small comment can make you very uncomfortable.

 

In his family of origin, negative feelings may have been just part of day to day conversation. He doesn't expect you to take them to heart or take action over them. He may realistically know that you can't keep the house quiet for him...but he may just want some sympathy. Maybe he just wants you to agree that "it really sucks that he has to work this shift, it really sucks that he has to sleep when everyone else is looking forward to their day". Just because he is grouchy, does not mean he wants you fix it. He may just want to express his unhappiness with the circumstances (with no expectations that you have the power to change any of it).

 

My husband has a hard time keeping his feelings inside. He just is not a suck-it-up kind of person.

 

So when he gets in a bad mood, I just leave him alone. Nagging him, crying, "why are you in such a bad moooooood?" just makes it worse. It will put him on the defensive. He will be thinking about how he has every right to be in this bad mood. He will feel as if you are trying to change him. He thoughts will be about how wrong you are...not how wrong HE IS.

 

Instead, leave him be. Go about your daily business and don't include him. Don't be mean, just a little standoffish. Act like you would around anyone else who is in a bad mood...stay away. You don't want their negativity to rub off on you...so go be around someone or something positive. When he asks why you are so quiet or "what's wrong?" say "I just don't like hanging out with someone that's in a bad mood. It brings me down".

 

This puts the ball in his court. It will cause to him to think about how his behavior is affecting others. Instead of justifying his right to be grouchy, he will learn associate his behavior with a consequence "Yes, I have a right to be grouchy. But she has a right to NOT WANT TO BE AROUND A GROUCHY PERSON".

 

You are laying a boundary for yourself: "I want to surround myself with positive people". He can choose to be positive and a part of your world, or be negative and get avoided.

Edited December 13, 2010 by Quiet Storm

[giotto]

His job is not compatible with your family life and he is not being understanding. Yes, he is tired, but my wife works shifts (also third shift) and she is never grumpy and she loves to see her family when she get up or she is woken up (because she is occasionally... it's impossible not to do!). If he hates it, then he should either change job or live somewhere else.