chancellor Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 Ok guys I'm really stumped. This girl I go to school with texts me all the time. We had dinner and late night drinks twice the first week we connected. She had the blast of a lifetime as she said and wanted to do it again soon. But when I asked her to go to the movies, she seemed to realize it was a date or something and said she's not up for that. What happened here?
somedude81 Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 Women are insane. Sorry, it's the only thing I can come up with. Somehow she thought the two of you spending time together was just a platonic friends thing. The movie registered to her as a "date" activity and it freaked her out because she just wanted to be your friend, and she thought you felt the same way. Why going to a movie is more of a date than dinner and drinks, I have no idea. It's her fault for going out with you in the first place and thinking you were doing it just as friends. It's common sense. Guy asks out girl to get together. Means guy is interested in girl. Once again, women are insane.
BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 Normally, I try to steer clear from rationalizations like the one somedude81 just offered, but in this case...he's 100% correct. Don't waste your time hanging out with her anymore.
flickster42490 Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 Women are insane. so true...I can never seem to get a hang of reading their signals or lack of...lol
carhill Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 What were the 'texts' about? Friendships are built on mutual interests; romance is built on mutual attraction. If the primary interest is being with each other, any healthy person will see it as romantic potential, presuming both parties are available for that. *Some* women are attention Hoovers, using the signals of romance to garner validation and attention and then pulling out the 'friendship' card once they've had their fill or found a better receptacle. This dynamic is another good reason for being less of a 'gentleman' wrt 'hanging out' until the lady shows clear interest in *dating*.
Author chancellor Posted December 13, 2010 Author Posted December 13, 2010 Thanks for your support, guys. I'm tellin you its absolutely crazy! We went out for like seven hours and she's absolutely thrilled and excited the next morning when she sees me in school. Mega hug. It was the blast of a lifetime and she wanted to do it again, which we did a couple of nights later. I don't know why people do stuff like this. It's completely retarded!
Author chancellor Posted December 13, 2010 Author Posted December 13, 2010 What were the 'texts' about? Stuff like have a great day, what are you doing tomorrow, I had such a great time, we should do it again, do you like museusm, etc I sometimes hang out with girls just like that but she's rather intense for someone who was never interested"!
carhill Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 Yep, pseudo interest. Smart of you to ask her on an official date. She's moved on to easier pickings. Expect to meet a lot of her in your life. Try it yourself. Enjoy a wonderful date/time with someone then enjoy a wonderful date/time with someone else. Rinse and repeat. Call them back or not depending on how you *feel*. Do what you *want*. Proactively reject women who don't match up with your standards. Balance the books. Be selective. Learn from them. They're great teachers
Feelin Frisky Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 Somehow she deemed you "safe". You blew her mind that you're not. Don't feel bad, most fellas aren't "safe".
Author chancellor Posted December 13, 2010 Author Posted December 13, 2010 Somehow she deemed you "safe". You blew her mind that you're not. Don't feel bad, most fellas aren't "safe". I was safe when I was younger. Not anymore! Late night dinner and drinks twice is not safe by any means! Oh well... LOL
Feelin Frisky Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 I was safe when I was younger. Not anymore! Late night dinner and drinks twice is not safe by any means! Oh well... LOL I wonder what her reaction would have been if instead of asking her to a movie, you just told her: "you think I'm safe. Well, I'm not".
carhill Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 Sometimes aggressive moves will spike up attraction briefly, but then the woman returns to 'safe' mode. There's no residual undertones of attraction to carry forward. This presumes the woman feels anything. Sometimes, 'interest' can just be an act with a purpose. Show something to get something. The genders are pretty equal in this regard, IME. Women do IMO have a slight advantage, generally, due to the increased and more obvious sexual drive in the male. Inciting sexual interest impels him to pursue her, even when he knows little of who she is. The OP can gauge this effect by substituting one of his male buddies for the 'dinners'. Examine that dynamic and understand more completely the draw of the female. Pretty simple. They know it is
Author chancellor Posted December 13, 2010 Author Posted December 13, 2010 Sometimes aggressive moves will spike up attraction briefly, but then the woman returns to 'safe' mode. There's no residual undertones of attraction to carry forward. This presumes the woman feels anything. Sometimes, 'interest' can just be an act with a purpose. Show something to get something. The genders are pretty equal in this regard, IME. Women do IMO have a slight advantage, generally, due to the increased and more obvious sexual drive in the male. Inciting sexual interest impels him to pursue her, even when he knows little of who she is. The OP can gauge this effect by substituting one of his male buddies for the 'dinners'. Examine that dynamic and understand more completely the draw of the female. Pretty simple. They know it is I hear what you're saying but typically a woman who is really excited the next day is interested in my book. If it's a guy I'd tell him I'm not on the same team! I've had a few misleading cases, especially after just one date. But here she seemed genuinely into it!
Lucky555 Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 maybe she just thought you were a friend. I used to think that i could be friends with a guy and not expect them to be actually interested in me. This one guy i worked with everyday he was so much fun. Great guy in general. However i was not attracted to him in a romantic way but more so for friendship. Absolutely fun and genuine guy. Never had i felt so excited to see someone! However, like i said i didn't want a romantic relationship. We had lunch together everyday and we worked with eachother too. I think this girl thought you were friends. Otherwise stop hanging out with her if you interested in her in a romantic way. Sorry it had to be like that but you should have expressed interest in the first place. Some guys try to "act" like a friend to get closer to the girl in hopes that she likes him romantically but really you need to express that you want a date in the first place and want to get to know the person.
carhill Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 Yes, a *healthy* woman will exhibit consistent care and interest. The operative conclusion of the comparison with a male friend is that you were out with her because you were *attracted* to her, but she was out with you because of *something else*. That she cared less about your attraction gave her *power*. If she's unhealthy (or young), she might be back. With the unhealthy ones, it's only if you slam the door shut hard that they won't be back. Otherwise, watch out.
alex1960 Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 I think this girl thought you were friends. Otherwise stop hanging out with her if you interested in her in a romantic way. Sorry it had to be like that but you should have expressed interest in the first place. Some guys try to "act" like a friend to get closer to the girl in hopes that she likes him romantically but really you need to express that you want a date in the first place and want to get to know the person. The guy did ask her out, didn't he? What could've been clearer?
alex1960 Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 My wife had the same reaction. It was just dinner! If a woman wants to have dinner with me, I know she's interested. Why is there a so called double standard that it's ok for women to think it's completely platonic? It never is!
carhill Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 If the young lady and our OP had a wonderful shared interest in photography and one invited the other to the opening of their new exhibit and they spent the evening sharing perspectives on the nuances of light, aperture, composition and posing, etc, hugged each other warmly and went their separate ways, that's friends. Her texts would be about their shared interest. Since women, at least by the assertions of many women on LS, like sex as much and are as attracted to males as males do and are to females, there's no reason to assume or presume any interaction which is not clearly about a shared interest, meaning the interest is the priority over the sharing, is potentially and likely sexual/romantic at its base. I think it's a great way to determine of the other individual is healthy or not. Looking forward to it
westrock Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 But when I asked her to go to the movies, she seemed to realize it was a date or something and said she's not up for that. What happened here? Maybe she is uncomfortable going to the movies? Maybe she's had a bad experience in the past or maybe she prefers a different type of activity. Don't jump to conclusions so quickly especially since it sounds like she has had a great time going out with you so far. Stuff like have a great day, what are you doing tomorrow, I had such a great time, we should do it again, do you like museusm, etc Ask her out to the musuem. It's a lot better than going to a movie.
alex1960 Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 If the young lady and our OP had a wonderful shared interest in photography and one invited the other to the opening of their new exhibit and they spent the evening sharing perspectives on the nuances of light, aperture, composition and posing, etc, hugged each other warmly and went their separate ways, that's friends. Her texts would be about their shared interest. Carhill, I really like your posts so let me question you on this. Her texts would be about their shared interest, ok, but what else would it be about? She's not going to gush over the guy after one date, yes? Now, if after the situation you describe the young lady asks the OP out again just a few days after the exhibit, wouldn't you be inclined to assume there is interest? I mean, they weren't going to tell each other about their feelings at this point, right?
Author chancellor Posted December 13, 2010 Author Posted December 13, 2010 Maybe she is uncomfortable going to the movies? Maybe she's had a bad experience in the past or maybe she prefers a different type of activity. Don't jump to conclusions so quickly especially since it sounds like she has had a great time going out with you so far. Ask her out to the musuem. It's a lot better than going to a movie. Man I wish you were right!! But it's over, it really is. She was looking for all sorts of way out and even suggested I should go with my GF (she didn't know we had broken up ages ago). I was so excited to find someone who was genuinely having a good time with me! I can't believe this is happening frankly.
carhill Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 If she 'asks him out' to another interest-related activity or event, IMO, that's friendship. There's no flirting; no suggestive body language; no expressions inconsistent with how friends treat each other. Also, there would not be immediacy nor expectations, as friends, even good friends, aren't all up in each other's business on a day to day basis and don't react to invitation regrets the same way as when there is romantic interest. I had a fair amount of female friends when younger and those friendships revolved around activities, generally sports. We'd meet up for outings, games, etc, perhaps grab a bite after, and then head on home. With some, this went on for years and they became good friends. Some were single, some in LTR's and some were married. I never wondered if they 'liked' me. Oh, lastly, the slippery slope of being a friend with a secret 'interest'. I can discern this more clearly after a lot of life experience, but, for myself, when I start finding myself interested in the going's on in a lady's life and don't sense the same in her, e.g. mutual interest in 'interests', then I know I'm in an unhealthy friendship, where my feelings are trending to the emotional and romantic and hers are platonic/superficial/disconnected. True friendships are balanced. In the OP's case, had the lady's texts been about a particular subject which he had shared with her, that she remembered and wanted to know how it worked out or had other questions about that subject, I would have felt stronger about the basis for a healthy friendship. She 'had the blast of a lifetime as she said and wanted to do it again soon' but apparently that focus was narrow in scope, wrt 'it'. My disclaimer here is a fair amount of unhealthy experience with women who were not completely honest about their relationship status and whom approached the 'friendship' dynamic similarly. They improperly and unhealthily used their sexual power to warp an otherwise arm's length interaction; classic 'leading on', then pulling the plug when they had gotten the attention and validation they sought. For the OP, keep things simple. When you find a woman attractive, clearly ask her out on a date. If her response isn't in line with what *you* want from romantic experience, move on to another potential. With women who are friends, be honest about your attraction. If you're attracted to them, they can never be a healthy platonic friend as long as you are. BTW, I don't think women are 'insane'. *Some* have issues with boundaries and appropriate behaviors in social interactions. That dynamic is gender-neutral. We men are no saints...
alex1960 Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 I've run into several situations like the ones you describe, carhill, and I can tell you that women totally know they are dishonest in those situations. The women who I became close enough with after the fact all admitted they had been stupid and dishonest. Guys want sex. It's pretty darn clear. Women who won't acknowledge this are dishonest, pure and simple. I think the OP did the right thing here. He actually asked her out, which is way better than most folks here on LS have the guts to do. I agree that flirting signals can be pretty obvious but they can be pretty subtle as well if the girl is shy. I've always preferred the slightly reserved women and none of them ever made any of the stupid moves that are described on relationship forums. They all expressed their interest by being attentive and spending lots of time with me. So I would support the OP here. I think the girl is either very needy, nuts or socially ignorant.
paleblue Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 (edited) Yes, a *healthy* woman will exhibit consistent care and interest. The operative conclusion of the comparison with a male friend is that you were out with her because you were *attracted* to her, but she was out with you because of *something else*. That she cared less about your attraction gave her *power*. If she's unhealthy (or young), she might be back. With the unhealthy ones, it's only if you slam the door shut hard that they won't be back. Otherwise, watch out. good thread. ive had to do this - slam the door hard (proverbially speaking). it was the one, and the only way to get the message across. otherwise she did keep coming back. it is so true! that was 2months ago. my gut tells me i dont have to worry about hearing from her again. which is ok with me. that was my first experience with behavior like this. and hopefully my last. all i can say now is I shared the OP's confusion at the time. it was very confusing to deal with. a friendship might have worked if she was honest with her intentions from the beginning. since she was not, it left me feeling distrustful of her, therefore a friendship was ultimately not feasible for me. bummer it had to go like this, but i am happy i expelled this kind of toxicity from my life. Edited December 13, 2010 by paleblue
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 She was looking for all sorts of way out and even suggested I should go with my GF (she didn't know we had broken up ages ago). Perhaps the fact that she thinks you have a girlfriend contributed to her "freaking out" when you formally asked her for a date??
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