tigressA Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 He sent me a seemingly innocuous email, asking how I was. I suspected there was a reason behind it, and being curious...I responded. Oh, how I wish I hadn't. I agreed to talk to him on Skype, and it ended up being a nearly 4-hour conversation. He admitted to betraying me with that same woman who I had suspected. He said he felt he should tell me. He said he never was physically intimate with her when he was with me...I don't know what to believe, given that he betrayed my trust and lied to me when we were together. What drove him to confess? He had become more involved with her after I dumped him and she told him she loved him a few days ago--but since then he has heard nothing from her. He said that made him realize what he had done to me...and instead of him maintaining his cross to bear, he decided to selfishly make me bear it, to relieve some of his guilt so he can sleep better at night. I called him every name in the book; I yelled at him. I threw things at my walls; I cried. I threw up in the middle of his story; I told him I wished I could bash his head into the wall behind him until I saw gray matter. Though I had proof with the picture I saw on Facebook, hearing it from him just wrecked me all over again. I hate him for telling me; I hate myself for even responding to his email.
OceanGirl Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 Did he actually tell you that he is really into this woman?
Author tigressA Posted December 11, 2010 Author Posted December 11, 2010 (edited) He didn't have to say it; I knew it from his reaction to not hearing from her. Seemed like more than he ever showed toward me! Supposedly he's written her off now...not that I believe it. I still can't believe the @#$%#$%#^#%Y^@#^ had the balls to use his situation with the woman HE CHEATED ON ME WITH as a reason to confess his wrongdoing to me! @#$^@#$%!#$@%#@%^#@%^#@%$#$%#$%Y&%@^!#^#@% Edited December 11, 2010 by tigressA
Surrealist Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 What a total, complete, arrogant ass hole.
Author tigressA Posted December 11, 2010 Author Posted December 11, 2010 Oh, that is not even the BEST (WORST?!!) part! At one point he even asserted that my situation was "a bit better" than his because I hadn't gotten to know family (apparently he was there for Thanksgiving dinner, etc). I immediately told him to f*ck off; he had NO RIGHT to say anything like that to me, and he groveled. He also said that he realized it was wrong, she was involved with someone else...HE PHRASED IT LIKE I HADN'T EVEN BEEN IN THE PICTURE. :sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:
OceanGirl Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 Look on the bright side: now this will help you move on from him. It always helps me when I see a blatant display of how much of a dick someone is. The worst is when you think that you have lost a really great guy.
OceanGirl Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 Oh, that is not even the BEST (WORST?!!) part! At one point he even asserted that my situation was "a bit better" than his because I hadn't gotten to know family (apparently he was there for Thanksgiving dinner, etc). I immediately told him to f*ck off; he had NO RIGHT to say anything like that to me, and he groveled. He also said that he realized it was wrong, she was involved with someone else...HE PHRASED IT LIKE I HADN'T EVEN BEEN IN THE PICTURE. :sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad: And all that for some chubby, pasty biatch? He has a really poor taste too.
Author tigressA Posted December 11, 2010 Author Posted December 11, 2010 I'm not going there...I feel sorry for her. She was sucked in too. I doubt she knew about me. I did tell one of my close friends about it and being a stalker, she wanted to see her FB...I sent her the link and she said, "If he was chasing that, he sure as hell wasn't ready for you--truth." I said, "At the end of the day he preferred her to me...I just hate him for expressing his preference by stepping out on me and neglecting me when he was supposed to BE WITH ME like he said he was."
EricaH329 Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 Supposedly he's written her off now... she told him she loved him a few days ago--but since then he has heard nothing from her. Sounds to me like he didn't have the option to write her off, she did it before he did. Regardless, he's an idiot (obviously). I can imagine how upset you would be, i'd be livid myself! As you calm down though, realize that this guy is not worth another single emotion from you. Whether it's pity/sympathy/anger/etc. Not - worth - it. He has proven to you that he can't be trusted, and is completely and totally neglectful of you and your feelings. I think it's time to use the block function. Forever.
Author tigressA Posted December 11, 2010 Author Posted December 11, 2010 I've always had him on block...I found the email in my trash. I have his address filtered so that anything from him would go straight into my trash, and I was clearing out all my old emails when it caught my eye because it was in bold text--unread, at the top of the heap. I am still beyond pissed off. I had a strong urge to create an ad on Facebook with his picture denouncing him as a betrayer but that passed...I still am tempted to contact that woman to get a full picture of things but I know that's a bad idea. I just feel like now that I know I have to know everything...I wish I had stayed in the dark.
Kamille Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 Seriously makes me want to barf. And THIS is the guy who kept telling you you were self-centered??? Methinks C was indulging in some good-old-fashioned freudian projection. What a self-centered azz.
Author tigressA Posted December 13, 2010 Author Posted December 13, 2010 (edited) I asked him why the f*ck he felt the need to tell me AFTER I broke up with him and he said "You needed to know, I had to tell the truth." What the f*ck, so someone who cheated on me and treated me like dirt knows exactly what I need?! The only good thing he did during our conversation was sit back and take my stream of invective. He said he hadn't slept for the last week. I said, "Wow! For a whole week! And now that you've selfishly alleviated your guilt to me, I'll be the one going without sleep! Thanks a lot, you lowdown d*ckwad!" He said he had to be honest. I said, "Yes, honesty now. Congratulations, (first name) 'I'm A Selfish B*stard With Severe Mommy Issues' (last name), on being honest now! I wonder what the medal will say!" I had sent him an email the next morning telling him I had more questions and that I want to meet in person ASAP, that he owes me that. He tried to gyp me, saying "Give me some time please..." I called bullsh*t and said either in person or not at all, and he ultimately backed out like the cowardly speck of nothing he is. I admit, I was cruising for a beatdown. I can't say that he would've emerged from our meeting physically unharmed. Edited December 13, 2010 by tigressA
Author tigressA Posted December 13, 2010 Author Posted December 13, 2010 I hate to admit that I sent him several scathing emails as last parting shots. He responded to all but the last one, just agreeing with me, making himself the martyr. He disgusts me. When we talked he said to just blame it all on him. He just wanted to make himself feel better. One of my best friends had offered up a few choice lines, like "I hope he slips in a puddle of AIDS" and "If I ever see him I'll punch him in his baby maker so hard he can't ever have kids". Haha. I couldn't sleep at all Friday night but I caught up on my sleep the last couple of days, so I haven't lost any sleep since then.
Star Gazer Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 There's a lot more emotion in this thread than I expected to see. Love and hate aren't that far apart.
pandagirl Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 I feel like a lot of Tigress' anger has to do with the fact that she likes to be in control and call the shots. I think C got under her skin, because for once, a guy was sort of controlling HER. Him contacting her just plays on that dynamic.
Author tigressA Posted December 13, 2010 Author Posted December 13, 2010 There's a lot more emotion in this thread than I expected to see. Love and hate aren't that far apart. It was weird...when he first told me, during our conversation, I actively felt really pissed off. My blood was hot; my stomach was churning. I thought of everything I could at the time to say to him to make him feel miserable. I really laid on the guilt, even exaggerating the feelings I had had for him, repeating over and over that he had "betrayed me", to make him feel worse about what he had done. I made him cry more than once. But after, even when I wrote those follow-up emails to him, and was recounting the incident to my friends, I felt completely detached from it. There was no emotion behind it at all. And it's still that way now.
Movingthrough Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 I can say I somewhat know what you feel like. People move on so fast, then they always come back. To be honest I dont disagree with anything you did, we can talk NC all we want, but there is always some sort of closure that we want and need. So I wouldnt beat yourself up too much with the whole reading and responding to the email. In some ways I kind of see where he is coming from (I'm a guy). I was broken up with a girl that I was very serious with for over a year, she felt that I dropped her with no warning (which to be honest was not true) and I never understood it, or what she felt. Later on, when I felt the same with a girl who did it to me I ended up contacting my other ex (who i actually was somewhat close to) and told her that I was sorry for going the way I did with the breakup, no drama no blaming just being honest with her. She was glad I did and because of mutual friends, we have stayed civil. Point is, if this helps, some guys actually can feel bad, and there is no bad stuff behind it. I'm NOT saying your ex is a good guy or he meant it good, but if it helps, just know that he actually probably did feel bad and realized how much HE messed up. I will admit that he doesnt seem to be worth your time though. I hope you can move on soon..
Author tigressA Posted December 13, 2010 Author Posted December 13, 2010 He only felt bad after getting a dose of his own medicine. He obviously didn't feel bad enough to stop doing it when he was with me. His entire spiel was dripping with self-centeredness. It was ALL about him. Just like it always has been and always will be. I was surprised that anything I said got through to him. My cold, conscienceless streak came through with a vengeance. I felt utterly triumphant the moment my words made him break down in tears. I laughed a little bit.
Author tigressA Posted December 13, 2010 Author Posted December 13, 2010 I don't feel bad for how I made him feel. He got as good as he gave, in my opinion. It's the people who are bad for me who bring out my worst qualities, like being cold and cruel--heartless. When we talked I said some things that I had never said to him before, things that he hadn't known about, just to hit him where it hurt. I figured it was the last time I would be in contact with him, no point in being civil, particularly because of what he had to tell me.
Star Gazer Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 I don't believe in vengeance or retribution in relationships. You lowered yourself to his level, maybe even lower than him because you weren't just selfish and lame and dumb, you were intentionally malicious and took pleasure in it. That's a really sad thing to see.
Author tigressA Posted December 13, 2010 Author Posted December 13, 2010 There was no relationship. I ended the relationship. So for me, there was no pretense of civility. Yes, I was deliberately harsh and I delighted in it. I didn't and still don't care about having "lowered" myself. I don't see it that way. I had a goal in mind the entire time--to wound him--and I achieved it. Nothing else to it but that.
Allisha Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 I think it's time to let go. I'd ignore any future attempts he makes to contact you. You managed to do what you set out to. I can understand why you wanted to do it as I've been in a similar position. so now it's time to relaaaax & get back to that multi dating log!
Star Gazer Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 There was no relationship. I ended the relationship. So for me, there was no pretense of civility. Yes, I was deliberately harsh and I delighted in it. I didn't and still don't care about having "lowered" myself. I don't see it that way. I had a goal in mind the entire time--to wound him--and I achieved it. Nothing else to it but that. When I said "relationship," I didn't mean in the romantic sense. You have an interpersonal "relationship" with everyone you interact with. Whether while in a romantic relationship or after it ends, I don't believe in vengeance or retribution. I particularly don't believe in taking joy out of hurting others, regardless of the circumstances. I was quite aware of the bolded part from your posts which proceeded that one. That is what I find very scary and troubling. Your goal was to hurt him. You succeeded. But how did you grow and become a better person by doing that?
Author tigressA Posted December 13, 2010 Author Posted December 13, 2010 Does every experience have to make one learn and grow? I don't think so. I felt this was an extraordinary circumstance, so I unleashed my immediate impulses and I felt better for having done so. I don't see any reason to feel bad about it.
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