Futuregirl Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 You're playing the waiting game bc your SO said they would change something that has turned out to be a dealbreaker for you. You think they may be placating you to get you to stay. they still live with their mom after 30... or they won't marry you... or they're unemployed and not looking.. or they're not moving on that divorce .. or *your situation here* You tell them: "If you want to do X I respect that and think you should do what you want/need to. I want to make my own choices too though and X is a dealbreaker for me. If you're changing it, that's wonderful, however for things to continue with us it's reasonable for me to wait only a limited amount of time." The reaction "You're trying to control me/tell me what to do/give me an ultimatum/ you're saying "do it or I'll leave" In my mind, I'm trying to control my own life while respecting their choices. I'm not sure how else I can do that. Am I missing something here? Isn't it controlling if someone else expects you to stay with them when it appears not to be in your best interest?
carhill Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 'I need emotional intimacy and support to have a healthy relationship' 'I can't give you that' 'I guess we need to file for divorce then' 'OK' Guess the genders. True story. It's not controlling to communicate what you want and need. Don't threaten. Act decisively on your boundaries. I recall the above conversation so clearly as it was one of the calmest interactions my exW and I ever had.
Author Futuregirl Posted December 13, 2010 Author Posted December 13, 2010 Thanks for sharing your story. That helps a lot
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 You're playing the waiting game bc your SO said they would change something that has turned out to be a dealbreaker for you. You think they may be placating you to get you to stay. they still live with their mom after 30... or they won't marry you... or they're unemployed and not looking.. or they're not moving on that divorce .. or *your situation here* You tell them: "If you want to do X I respect that and think you should do what you want/need to. I want to make my own choices too though and X is a dealbreaker for me. If you're changing it, that's wonderful, however for things to continue with us it's reasonable for me to wait only a limited amount of time." The reaction "You're trying to control me/tell me what to do/give me an ultimatum/ you're saying "do it or I'll leave" In my mind, I'm trying to control my own life while respecting their choices. I'm not sure how else I can do that. Am I missing something here? Isn't it controlling if someone else expects you to stay with them when it appears not to be in your best interest? Your stance is exactly correct. Eventually you show your personal STRENGTH by holding them TO realistic deadlines for the change. What you describe is not "controlling" at all. It is behavior modification effected BY the one modifying himself IF he wishes to stay with you romantically. Any idiot who isn't disciplined enough to actually alter his behavior in order to meet your standards OBVIOUSLY isn't good enough for you. You afforded him a CHANCE that many women wouldn't offer - because women don't HAVE to... (what he does with that chance should dictate completely whether you will stay/be with him or not)
poorguy Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 I agree with the above poster. In this case it isn't about controlling anything, it's more about standards and what you expect and want out of and with a partner. When you start telling him who he can talk to, what he can and can't wear, where he can go. etc-that's controlling.
Cee Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 I think the OP's approach is fine. In fact, it is a gentler approach than I would take. I would break up with them before I got too deep. I don't trust myself and would probably "forgive" the deal breaker and crush my sense of self in the process.
810 Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 Any idiot who isn't disciplined enough to actually alter his behavior in order to meet your standards OBVIOUSLY isn't good enough for you. i like this.
BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 I think the OP's approach is fine. In fact, it is a gentler approach than I would take. I would break up with them before I got too deep. I don't trust myself and would probably "forgive" the deal breaker and crush my sense of self in the process. This is the smart approach I think. This way, it is not misconstrued as being controlling, but simply an enforcement of your standards. Break it off, tell them that the door is still open, and leave it up to them to decide if they want to modify their behavior and get back with you.
kiss_andmakeup Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 I try to avoid dating anyone with one of those definite "dealbreaker" traits right off the bat, rather than just hoping they'll change. People rarely do. Of course there's certain things you might not know right away, but in general I think it's not a good idea to seek a mate you view as a "work in progress." Ultimatums never work, for the exact reason you posted. The person then feels "controlled" or "pressured" to change, making them even less likely to do it. The best course of action is to just say, "look, this isn't working out for reasons X, Y, and Z," and move on. I'm not sure which particular situation is yours as it seems that you're being intentionally vague, but I think that all of the things you listed are completely valid dealbreakers.
Author Futuregirl Posted December 13, 2010 Author Posted December 13, 2010 (edited) Thanks guys this is awesome. This way, it is not misconstrued as being controlling, but simply an enforcement of your standards. That's exactly what I try to communicate.. I have a time limit for current bf and he chooses not to know when. (2 mths that's generous) Good advice Backuporgetstung.. I was wondering what I would do at the end of 2mths.. break it off & say you're welcome to get back to me if things chg. I'll move on and if he happens to get back to me and I'm available and I want him.. then we can take another look. This isn't easy Edited December 13, 2010 by Futuregirl
daphne Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 This isn't easy Delaying gratification for a better long term result never is. I think they call that doing the right thing?
D-Lish Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 It's best to realize now that you can't change someone. The only thing you can do is look after yourself. If the relationship isn't progressing in the manner you want it to, don't ever forget that you have the option of walking away.
Imajerk17 Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 You're playing the waiting game bc your SO said they would change something that has turned out to be a dealbreaker for you. You think they may be placating you to get you to stay. they still live with their mom after 30... or they won't marry you... or they're unemployed and not looking.. or they're not moving on that divorce .. or *your situation here* You tell them: "If you want to do X I respect that and think you should do what you want/need to. I want to make my own choices too though and X is a dealbreaker for me. If you're changing it, that's wonderful, however for things to continue with us it's reasonable for me to wait only a limited amount of time." The reaction "You're trying to control me/tell me what to do/give me an ultimatum/ you're saying "do it or I'll leave" In my mind, I'm trying to control my own life while respecting their choices. I'm not sure how else I can do that. Am I missing something here? Isn't it controlling if someone else expects you to stay with them when it appears not to be in your best interest? I'm having a tough time figuring out why you would get involved with someone like that in the first place. What, can't you attract someone who has his life together?
Recommended Posts