whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 obsessing bout ow .. wish i could forget her but she wont leave my head . Tigers, you're in NC mode with your exOW, now you need to do your best to do NC in your head too. What are you doing to be pro-active? Do you allow yourself to sit and think of her? Reminse, feel, remember, miss her? Or are you distracting yourself as thoughts come into your head, refocussing on something else, keeping busy? Being with your kids, go out as a family, hang with a buddy? Or are you sitting and missing her, allowing yourself to wallow in pain. The below link might help you (and others doing NC) so please read it! It's long but worth it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/ 1
calliope Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 Definitely worth the read.... thanks for sharing.
Golon Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 TO TIGERS.....I notice your post is locked so I don't know if you even want to see this or I hope I am not breaking some rule on here.....but I typed this out for you at work and wanted to copy it into the forum for you.... Hi, I am sorry I didn't reply sooner. Work has been hectic. A few thoughts have come to mind about your situation. I think the first one really is that it seems you have had a change of heart. It now seems you want to be with your W. What concerns me here is that your earlier posts (and a few recent ones) indicate it is still very much the OW you want. The way I see it is as follows (please bear in mind I know neither you or your OW or W and I can only go no what has been said so I apologise in advance if I get a lot wrong). Your OW finished with you after 18 months. That can't of been an easy decision for her. I remember you said it was only in the last few months you spoke of leaving your W. Eighteen months is a long time to give your all to someone and nothing to occur. I guess when you said you did want to be with her she was initially happy but then concerns grew......were you leaving as you were unhappy with your W? So the OW finished with you. What I find interesting is you see it very much as her choice. I think she probably felt she had no choice......the last few months where you said you were leaving.....well you didn't. I guess it got too much. Trust me I understand her point of view here.....the whole actions speak louder than words. Nor am I condemning you.....I am sure you had your reasons for not taking action. The fact she is dating really doesn't mean she has moved on. I think it is possibly to take her mind off you but that really doesn't mean she doesn't love you. You imply she wanted a normal relationship.....do try and see this from her point of view. It is all very well you saying you want her and not your W but then you didn't leave. I guess we all reach breaking point. She reached hers. I thought initially you really did want your OW and your marriage was dead....but then I read on and find you are willing to try and make it work with your wife. Your OW is not stupid....I suspect she knew you may want this deep down and got out before you ended it. A part of me can't help thinking if it was the OW you wanted you would of contacted her regardless of her wishes, set in place actions to be with her. You didn't. You simply accepted it. It seems almost like you didn't want her enough to pursue her. Your view is that she cut contact and that was that. To me that seems that despite all you say about your OW you were not willing to show her it is her you wanted. Now please don't think I am having a go at you here....but I guess when I first read your story I thought that you were serious about your OW and I find now that you are not. It just seems you have taken the easy option....to stay with your W.....not because you have decided you really want her and regret your A but by default as the OW left you. As regards your relationship with your W.....if you have decided it is her you want then you have to put all your energy into making it work. It hasn't got to be a second best situation....it has to come from you believing it is your W and only your W you want.....otherwise you will most likely end up having another A sometime down the line in the future. I understand your W has put a lot of energy into the children and things have gone stale.....but I really hope so much that your relationship with your OW wasn't just to fill a gap....but that is how it is sounding now. I am not criticising you....we all do things sometimes that aren't the right thing....me especially! If you want your W and only your W then you have to put everything into making it work....but I am not convinced it is what you want. Here is a thought.....have you discussed with your W at all how she feels about your relationship? Have you asked her why things have gone stale and why the connection you once had has died? I think it would be a good starting point. There is no simple answer here. I am sure you must care about your children and want what is best for them too. I do think that when couples stay together for the children alone the children can tell and it can be damaging. I think you must be willing to build a love relationship with your W or separate. As regards the OW......I worry you seem to blame her a bit.....the idea she gave up.....she didn't. She simply couldn't stand the situation any more. I think she is totally right to want more....I can imagine how horrible she must have been feeling with the holidays approaching. I think you either want the OW, your W or neither. Only you know the answer. If it is your W though you really ought to tell her and then you two will rebuild or she may want to separate. I get the thing about the families being close.....but nobody wants to live a lie. Your W really wouldn't want to find she was living a lie. Sure....people respond bad to A's...but then again a lot of people in your family will already suspect your relationship is in trouble. I doubt very much your W will want to broadcast the news. I think she will have a lot of Q's for you and will want time and then will ultimately decide to give things a go with you or seek separation. I would ask you to think long and hard about whether you can be a good H if you go back to your W and make a go if it....if it is based largely on the rejection of the OW and it is her you want then I really don't see you being able to make a go of it with your W. I am sorry this is such a long reply......I am coming from this from the perspective of the OW but also someone who really does think that a relationship can't work unless you want it to.
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