SoConfusledandHurt Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 with my fiance. There is a long list of things about him I love. But there is a short list of things about him that are driving me crazy. One (and Ive posted about this situation before) is my kids. Especially my 8 yr old dd. He has never been very nice to her. He tries but it certainly doesnt come naturally to her. He has no idea about child pyschology and behaviours that are normal for kids ages. And I now believe (after almost 5 yrs together) that he probably doesnt really care to learn. The problem I have is that the things he wants to change are who she is. We are just alike. Me and my daughter. We are goofy, love to laugh, attractive, sweet, obnoxious with our humor, we burp...she farts...we are comfortable. Until he comes home. Then its like everything has to change so we dont get on his nerves. He doesnt like hearing the kids laugh or play too loud. He doesnt like it that my daughter has friends spend the night even when he isnt home to witness it. He doesnt like when they leave their shoes by the door. He doesnt like that we hang our coats over a opening in a stairway. He doesnt like the way they sit at the table (my son too who is 5). He doesnt like messy things. He likes to sleep and if he hears us laughing or watching tv or anything he gets up and comes in all grumpy and starts griping the kids out. He doesnt like the fact that my daughter will crawl into bed with my mom in the morning when she wakes up. What really bothers me is the time he will take to "discipline" Josie. But when she got accepted for a college mentor program to Ohio State University...he didnt even acknowledge it. When she went to her first gymnastics class he didnt even ask her how it went. The only time he really speaks to her is if she is in trouble. It is very troubling. We have built a life together and I feel so sad that because he is unwilling to change (he promised a couple mos ago to really make a change because we broke up). I feel sad to lose our home. My kids to change schools. Life becoming very difficult for us. When my fiance is at work we are fine. And life is pretty comfy! But I cant help but feel a heavy sadness when it comes to this situation. In every other way he is the most respectful, loving, wonderful man. But in this way he comes across as very selfish and controlling. Ive talked to him about it. Weve talked to a phone counselor who told him he needed anger management and parenting classes. He says he has no time for that...but has plenty of time to sleep on the couch or watch movies all the time. Im very sad at the prospect of leaving, but if he doesnt understand how damaging his behaviour is and doesnt care how it affects us...then how can he truly love me? He flat out told me the last time we fought (because of something else) that he wasnt ready to let me and my son go, but he would be ok with letting my daughter go. Im at a loss, she tries so hard to please him. She is just a bit goofy and I think he finds it completely irritating...but Im the same way...almost exactly! I dont know what to do at all!
pole_cat Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 When I read your post there is one thing that really stands out to me. This entire situation of having set up a household with a man who doesn't like your children is all about YOU and YOUR NEED. Whatever that is. YOUR NEED has put your children in the path of this man, who clearly doesn't like them, no matter what he might say to you to the contrary.
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 He flat out told me the last time we fought (because of something else) that he wasnt ready to let me and my son go, but he would be ok with letting my daughter go. You need to put your kids first and end things with him. Do NOT marry him!!! HE will treat your son differently than your daughter forever. He doesn't like your daughter, has no respect for her at all, he's cruel, unattached and HE will mess her up badly, emotionally. This guy is NOT father material at all. I'm sure you love him, and it'll hurt like hell to say goodbye, but this guy is not good for your children and family dynamic. It has potiental later in life to be quite toxic and abusive. If you know what I mean..
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 Im very sad at the prospect of leaving, but if he doesnt understand how damaging his behaviour is and doesnt care how it affects us...then how can he truly love me? He does love you, but he doesn't love your kids. The thing is, the kids are a package deal so if he can't or won't accept them, there should be NO you and him. Knowing how he feels about the kids, especially your daughter, there's no reason to try to change him or hope he'll change one day. He won't! If anything he'll abuse your kids, verbally and maybe one day out of frustration, smack them. Your daughter doesn't need a step father who is an awful uncaring and cruel person.
hoping2heal Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 He does love you, but he doesn't love your kids. The thing is, the kids are a package deal so if he can't or won't accept them, there should be NO you and him. Knowing how he feels about the kids, especially your daughter, there's no reason to try to change him or hope he'll change one day. He won't! If anything he'll abuse your kids, verbally and maybe one day out of frustration, smack them. Your daughter doesn't need a step father who is an awful uncaring and cruel person. I was going to add that if the daughter is watching him treat the son differently, and I believe that is highly likely - that is already going to mess her up emotionally. If she's trying "so hard to please him" then she already now has the idea that something is fundamentally wrong with her, and she is trying to make up for it. Your daughter should have no man in her life trying to change who she is, that is bonk. I agree with the other posters - you should not be with someone who does not accept both of your kids, let alone stayed for 5 years for someone who likely by now has eviscerated your daughter's self esteem. She also may grow up and resent you one day for doing that to her, afterall you did bring this man into her life and allow him to be there for 5 years. Technically, you DID do it to her. I know I am being hard on you but I have lived through my share of my Parents' "Signifigant Others" post divorce. I know what it feels like. Just stop putting your kids through that, for their sake.
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