Jonesyyy Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 (edited) Yeh, this is a long story. Hope you enjoy. I have always changed the story while telling other people, but I'm telling you guys the truth. A bit of backstory, before this happened I was a virgin, I wish I had a girlfriend, I sorely wanted someone to love and to love me back, more than anything in the world. It was two years ago now. My friend at College said he was after a girl and linked me to her FB, I recognised her as a girl I thought was fit, said, good man and left it. I even arrange to hook her and him up at a gala going on nearby. As time went on, they drifted away and I found out she liked talking to me. On my 18th birthday I invited her and her mate, who I also knew as a friend, out. That was the night we admitted we liked each other, though nothing happened. She was glad and quickly we had arranged to go out again. I would like to stress here and now you have no idea how happy this made me, but more to the point, she, as a person, is so so perfect with me. Just being with her was the happiest I have ever been, and I couldn't wait to see where it was going to go. Then the ex-bf pops up. He wants her back, but she tells me it's over. The day after we went out, they apparantly went out, and she admitted tossing him off in the street - classy. I'd say don't judge her she isn't like that, she may have been confused, but she's too bloody often confused even today. Within a week, I gave her an ultimatum, and she chose me. I was elated. The next day I got home from work and my whole world came crashing down. I spent the whole day trying to tell her not to change her mind, that I'd do anything, grovelling like a child. Absolutely pathetic. Within the month her and her ex were back together and I was beyond heartbroken. We ended up arguing and stopping talking, but not before her bf stopped at hers and threatened to kill me for texting her - she did nothing to defend this. She was so sweet, so loving, she said she cared about me so much. We spent hours talking on the phone. All night talking over the internet. she admitted she was so happy with me. I spent that Christmas feeling sorry for myself, resenting myself, hating my life. Roughly 3 months went by of me pining before I had to talk to her again. A funny twist is that halfway through me seeing her, she started getting anonymous texts from someone saying they liked me and she is a fool for taking him back. This carried on, got worse, became threatening while we wernt talking. Now this wasn't me, I'd never degrade myself that much or do anything like that to her. But she accused me of it and I was hurt again. Within days of talking to her though, we were back to our old happy ways. We couldn't stop talking to each other, and ended up apparantly falling in love. Looking back, while she had a bf this was pretty stupid. About 6 months of constant talking, love notes around school, soppy things like timing things to see each other around school started. Eventually her bf ****ed up, they broke up and I jumped at the chance. I loved her. With all my heart. I saw her twice, I felt so happy. I felt completely at ease with everything that had happened previously. She was also friends with a guy from work - at hte time I didn't think anything of it. The second time I was at hers we kissed for the first time (i know right). But within days of that, she told me, harshly, she didnt want me and was going back to her ex. I was angry this time, embarassed, hurt. I felt even more pathetic, resented myself even more. A little after this, still hating her, I found out she had also kissed this other guy, also broke his heart. What kind of a heartless girl is this. She must have lied to me the whole time, I never wanted to see her again, lest I do anything I'd regret. About a year went on, I became cold, emotionless. That's how I'd describe myself. I still am. I found a girl, made her break up with her bf cos I can - I'm a decent looking lad, it isn't hard for me to make girls like me most of the time. I lost my virginity to her, by then I didn't care who I lost it to. After a bit, she messed up. Got too drunk and got with everyone in a club, I got rid. I didn't feel any remorse. I didn't see anyone else after that. I kept going on my gap year, I kept working/seeing my friends. One day I got a fb mail. It was from the girl again, a massive apology. She felt awful, trust me, its hard to convey her to people. As I type I realise she sounds manipulative, evil, like she doesnt care. I dno whether my own mind is confused or whether I'm the only one who understands her, but I don't think she'd lie when she says how she feels about me. We ended up talking again, I shouldn't have, but nobody else can ever make me as happy as her. I'd die for a chance with her. In the end I didn't like how cold I was becoming, she made me happy again. but I was going to uni, and she still with her bf. I made sure to analyse her emotions as much as she'd let me. I think she knew, she hates it, she argues everytime I try now. But I found out she claims to have a massive connection with me, and it frightened her last time. She said she would always want to talk to me again if they broke up, adn I said when I go to uni I would have to stop talking to her, so I could focus. I was in a lot more control this time. The day I went to Uni, I got a very nice text off her. I saw her the night before I left, I gave her her bday present. She cried cos I was going. But it wasn't long before her paranoid, controlling bf rang her and made her go home early. He never knew she was with me. But he had every right to be controlling, she ****ed him about as much as me. She betrayed him and me at the same time, and he was as hurt as me. In the end it ruined their relationship, and we ended up talking again, still do. On-off. The issue today is this. I know shes hurt, I know shes confused. But now shes saying she isnt sure what she wants, she keeps telling me to play the field at uni. I say, are you trying to hint something, cos id rather u just tell me to go away. No, not that. I sense it happening again. At uni ive been seeing many girls, NONE ofthem have made me eventempted to throw away my little chance with this other girl for her. I can see it coming. I'm going to get hurt again. I feel trapped. I can't escape. I can't go out with someone else cos I'll be closing hte door on her and she makes me too happy for that. its not an option for me. But I know I have to find someone else, I know the chances are slim now and I'm going to be so hurt when she goes out with someone else. Even if she goes out with me, maybe shed get scared and cheat again? Here I am. She's made me emotionless, a user of women for the majority, shes made me feel worthless, useless, pathetic. And Istill want her. I know exactly what she looks like to people, but she isn't that to me. Maybe she likes the attention? I won't know until she makes a move. But how come I can't move on. Otherwise I'm emotionally sound, if not for her I'd be happy single and I'd be happy with my life. Is it the fact I've never had my way with her, no I don't think so. This girl makes me too happy at the same time. In addition, when I text her we always end up arguing because I wanna know I'm not walking into a minefield and she meant she she said before I left. I feel like I'm ruining it the same time as Ithink it's impossible. What am I to do? I feel like, genuinely, if not her I'll never be happy with anyone else. I'll always love her most. And don't say thats nonesense becuase it does happen unfortunately. P.S Sorry if this sound unorganised/rushed. The word count would be massive if I included every detail. This all happened over the past 3 years. Edited December 11, 2010 by Jonesyyy
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