freestyle Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 this was beautifully written......... Great quote in there:"It's easy to plant a bomb in a peaceful,trusting place." http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/12/fashion/12Modern.html?pagewanted=2&_r=1&ref=style
jlola Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 Can you please copy and paste. Seems you have to join site to read article. Thank you
Author freestyle Posted December 11, 2010 Author Posted December 11, 2010 Did the link not work for you? I was able to read it without joining--it's a New York Times article. Maybe it's your browser? I'll try again, if it helps-- http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/12/fashion/12Modern.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&ref=style If that doesn't work, the author's name is Wendy Plump. The title of the article is "A Roomful of Yearning and Regret"..........maybe a google search with that information will work. I believe LS doesn't allow you to actually paste articles, but you can post links.
What_Next Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 What an interesting article in that it is being written from both perspectives. Some of the points do hit home for me.
Author freestyle Posted December 11, 2010 Author Posted December 11, 2010 What an interesting article in that it is being written from both perspectives. Some of the points do hit home for me. That's part of what I liked about it as well---there's a fuller point of view, with both sides having been experienced by the author. Also, I like the way it's written in the first person--it brings you into the moment, as opposed to coming across like a dry, factual textbook.
NoIDidn't Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 Great article. I loved the end. Rough paraphrase being that both sides of an affair was like a cheap hotel room, that "there is no view from this room that is worth having". Amen. Having been the betrayed sucks. But I can't imagine having to face my H and family with the lame excuses for why I would have deceived them. It would pale in the face of their pain.
Spark1111 Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 Beautifully written and a unique perspective from both sides. Can't wait to share this with my spouse.
YellowShark Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 - "what you experience is not far removed from post-traumatic stress" Yup. - "you won’t be able to sleep or focus" Yup. - "You will become consumed with where your spouse is at any moment" Yup. - "You will lose your appetite." Yup. - "You will torture yourself with details known and imagined." Yup. - "It is very easy to plant a bomb in a peaceful, trusting place. That is what the cheating spouse has done." Yup. She sure did. Took out the whole family. And several months later she has yet to apologize or even admit that I caught her in-the-act. Doesn't really matter now anyways. I'm sooooooooo gone.
jthorne Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 I liked this part: I look at my parents and at how much simpler their lives are at the ages of 75, mostly because they haven’t marred the landscape with grand-scale deceit. They have this marriage of 50-some years behind them, and it is a monument to success. A few weeks or months of illicit passion could not hold a candle to it.
love4me2c Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 I just can't imagine being miserable for years to get over something my husband did. I give it to people who can stay in marriages with that realization. No way did I want to subject myself to that kind of misery.
Steadfast Posted December 25, 2010 Posted December 25, 2010 (edited) ...written with a real depth of understanding. Her 'both sides of the coin' perspective is interesting too. I wonder how many times she's been married? More importantly, what came first; the cheating or the being cheated on? I'd really like to know, because it would definitely shape her view of the subject. I couldn't imagine doing that after having it done to me. This article reinforces my position against those who believe that 'every situation is different'. That's a given, but can't explain away basic reaction and the resulting human condition. More than anything, it allows a certain level of confidence with advising. "I've been there" gains new validation. For another perspective, read this. Edited December 25, 2010 by Steadfast
blueroses10 Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 I liked this part: How often does one look at their parent's marriage or grandparents and think that they had the perfect marriage when in reality infidelity was also involved but just not spoken about? It is a beautiful thing for a couple to weather the storms of their marriage and at the age of 65 still be together. They made it through and are content but what were things like in their 30's and 40's?
Author freestyle Posted December 27, 2010 Author Posted December 27, 2010 ...written with a real depth of understanding. Her 'both sides of the coin' perspective is interesting too. I wonder how many times she's been married? More importantly, what came first; the cheating or the being cheated on? I'd really like to know, because it would definitely shape her view of the subject. I couldn't imagine doing that after having it done to me. Neither could I, but interestingly enough, I've read many posts by current OW/OM who admit that they had been a BS in the past. It does make me wonder about their thought processes....If you do have full knowledge and empathy of how it feels to be betrayed by a trusted partner,how can you justify causing another person that same level of pain?.............. Is it a mentality of "My marriage wasn't respected by an outside party, so why should I be respectful of someone else's marriage?--(if it keeps me from getting what I want.....) It does leave me scratching my head. If I recall correctly, the author of this article was the WS first. I agree, "who swung first" does shape a person's perspective.And it's likely to create a bias ........ This article reinforces my position against those who believe that 'every situation is different'. That's a given, but can't explain away basic reaction and the resulting human condition. More than anything, it allows a certain level of confidence with advising. "I've been there" gains new validation. For another perspective, read this. Thanks for adding this article. It is interesting to read from the viewpoint of the neutral third party, acting as a mediator. I don't fully agree with all the author's attitudes, but I do understand that he feels the need to create a safe environment for his clients to open up, hence the confidentiality policy.
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