My girlfriends past 0_0

[LimboNewb]

If you want to have lots of NSA sex: fine. I don't choose to and expect (default) my partner to have chosen not to either. But things and people change; the consideration is fairly circumstantial--I am a champion at accepting people for who they are (most times), though that perhaps is closest to a deal breaker than most. Certainly timing and character (or intentional ignorance) makes a huge contribution to the evaluation.

 

This implication would not mean one is necessarily "prude" about sexuality but instead place value on it. i.e. it's a matter of trust and affection in addition to pleasure.

 

Just my opinion anyhow--call me a romantic (please?).

[Mme. Chaucer]

Back to the original post:

 

Dear OP. You say that you love her. I gather that your relationship is very good, and it's just your problem reconciling with her past that is an issue. I sincerely urge you to try to let go of that. If you cannot, though, you need to let her go. It's not fair to her to have to live in the shadow of your judgment of her past. She was honest with you about it; apparently you did accept it, and if you can't, it's time for you to leave.

 

If that happens and your love is real and your relationship is solid now, I predict that you will be full of regret for having let your insecurities destroy it. So try to put all of that behind you and live happily, knowing that you've found something that is rare and sought after ... love.

 

To some contributors to this thread: you are entitled to your opinions and your preferences (to only have girlfriends who have not had many sexual partners), but don't you know how unacceptable it is to call somebody's girlfriend a "whore," "slutty," etc.?

[sally4sara]

What I dont get is why he would date her for a year and pursue a relationship if he was so concerned about her past.

 

Well we don't know the nature of the relationship during that year. He could be fancying himself some human love potion #9 or followed her everywhere to ensure she never had the opportunity to be unfaithful. If that is the case then I can totally see why he would NOW worry about what she will do while he is gone for a stretch.

 

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I had to monitor my partner's every move and that is the only reason I can think of as to why he would date someone he has no faith in for a year and THEN get all worried when he can't watch her every move.

I sort of imagine them getting ready to go out to a friend's party and him saying "go to the bathroom now, because I don't want to have to follow you in during the party. We both know you'll just have to give out BJs if I'm not by your side every moment!"

[Flyin in Clouds]

It always seems to be guys who cannot get over their GF's past....

 

If I had a pound for every time a guy has come on here complaining about this, I could die a rich woman.....

lol... well here's a clue ladies... if you want a "nice" guy don't sleep around, because nice guys don't like it. Double standard? Tough. That's the way it is.

 

And rhurhu901 your down two on the bed post count. You need to even up that score boy and get ahead.

 

 

The only difference between you and her, is the time over which this took place.

No the difference is she's a woman and he's a man. Or should I say she's a slut and he's a stud. Yeah, I know double standard. Thing is that bothers most guys. And for good reason. A guy might like to fool around with a slut but mother of his children? Not so good to think about it. As he said he has trouble with so many guys having had her. That's not likely to change. Sure it is all in his head, his problem, but it is a very REAL problem for HIM. So dump her and move on cause this is likely to bother you for the rest of your life. Sorry, things don't work out always. It is this scenario why women should be more chaste. Mr. Right comes along after her wild days and doesn't like her wild days so much.

 

 

Get over it, or dump her.

Dump.

 

I've had 7 partner/lovers in my entire life. I'm 53.

My partner, who's 48, had over 100 one-night-stands in a little under a year,

up to about 8 months before we met.....

 

I give a damn.

That, in a nutshell, is how differently men and women are about this issue.

 

A man wants to be his wife's first, a woman wants to be her husband's last. It is a very real and important issue.

 

And if I had a nickle for every time a woman said to a guy, "I was slut in my past, but I've changed. Get over it." I'd be a rich guy.

Edited December 23, 2010 by Flyin in Clouds

[Flyin in Clouds]

But either way, her past is her past, and she doesn't owe you either an explanation or an apology for it. If you can't deal with it, then you should break up with her.

Funny how people's "past" so often comes back to bite them. What she does owe any guy is honest disclosure and letting him decide if he wants her or not. It's his decision and if he walks away too bad for her if she was the man of her dreams. One can not say that the past won't affect them. 17 guys? Man... "hey, I see you hooked up with that slut what's her name, man she was a good lay." Yeah, just what a guy wants to hear about his gf.

 

And yeah, she does owe him an apology and explanations up the wazoo if she wants to keep the relationship. People's past behavior is a very strong indicator of future behavior.

[Flyin in Clouds]

If it's a girl, she's a slut and if it's a man it's ok because he's just sowing his wild oats.

 

Come on guys, it's time to realize that women actually have a sex drive and do things to fulfill it.

Sure, but it's time for women to realize that their past just might come back to haunt them in their future. If you don't like that then don't do the "crime". What women have to understand is that some guys (some guys) aren't going to like them have been so sexually free in their past. (Some other guys would get off on it... but that's a different sort of guy)

 

It all comes down to insecure and for some reason most men are insecure when it comes to being with a woman who has a sex life before him.

NO. What it comes down to is male pride. Guys DO NOT LIKE other guys sticking their thang in their girl - ever, ---- past, present or future.

 

It is totally embarassing for a guy to have another guy walk up and tell him what a great piece of a$$ his wife is.

 

So to the OP go out and bang more broads. Get a 2 to 1 ratio to your girl and then it might not be so bad for you.

 

(See a lot of women think men should react to this situation as they would. Well ladies men don't and are not ever likely too. You can fool around as much as you'd like, but there are consequences and this is one of them.)

[Flyin in Clouds]

From her past experiences, she's probably learned a few things about her sexuality. What things turn her on, what positions she likes, how to make it good both for her and for the guy she's with, etc. I.e. she's developed a bit of sexual self-confidence, which is an incredibly hot trait in a woman.

 

And guess who's the beneficiary of all that knowledge? YOU. Not those other guys. YOU. You're the lucky bugger she lavishes all that on. Not them. Their loss is your gain.

Maybe she should work as a whore. She'd gain even more experience he could benefit from... or become a porn star.. yeah that's it. She'd learn a lot in that biz. ...

 

Maybe a guy would like to be the one to, er, educate his woman? Just a thought.

[Flyin in Clouds]

I still don't understand what a person has to do to redeem herself in a man's eyes.

Is this a burden of guilt she's going to have to be condemned for, for....how long, exactly?

Rest of her life. Sorry... What was done can't be undone. She can't redeem herself in some men's eyes. Why even think that possible? And if he can't "accept it" then he should dump her and move on. She's not the woman for him. She should find a man that relishes the idea of having a slut. (And there are men that do... they want a swinger, hotwife, etc...)

[Flyin in Clouds]

... He wasn't happy about my number but he also got over it as there were two options. I walk or we deal with my past and he learns to get over it.

No there is a third option, he goes out and screws more women than you've had men, and you learn to deal with it. Very reasonable from this side of the isle. And if that's not reasonable for you women then why not? You can learn to "deal with it" like we can, no?

 

So OP either you can break up with your girlfriend and hope to find someone who is "pure" or you can get over your insecurity and man up and face the fact that your girlfriend is a sexual woman who went through a rough patch in her life where she had lots of casual sex. The decision is really up to you.

Maybe he can become a guy that enjoys a slut.

[Flyin in Clouds]

I really don't understand this mentality. When girls (and guys) are single, they are free to sleep and date with who they want.

Being free to do something doesn't mean it's necessarily a good idea to do it. Women can sleep with as men guys as they choose to. But if they do, some guys won't want them. It is really that simple. Girls tend to like the "bad boys" when they want to play around, but then they don't want to marry them, they'd rather find Mr. NiceGuy. But Mr. NiceGuy doesn't like the "bad girls" that played around with all the bad guys in town. It used to be a woman's reputation actually mattered. I guess it doesn't anymore.

 

Would you say the same thing about guys who have slept with a lot of women... should I protect myself from them?

Yeap.. a player is a player.

[Flyin in Clouds]

Double standards.

 

I rest my case.

The fact is the double standard exits whether anyone likes it or not. Since it exists and isn't likely to change in the next year or two... (next century or two...) this guy has to deal with it.

 

And this case comes up over and over and over again. If the ladies don't like it they have a choice - don't sleep around. It that seems unfair too bad, lots in life is unfair.

[Flyin in Clouds]

... But calling a girl a whore because she went wild for a bit but then keeping your mouth shut when a man does the same thing, is pure bs. Don't hold others to a standard you yourself can't live by.

The problem with that attitude, which many post-feminist women have, is that it is entirely unrealistic and ignores basic human nature - the human nature of men. You can wish it weren't so all you want, but that won't make this problem go away.

[Flyin in Clouds]

exactly, you don't like it when the same notion is applied to men, do you?

The issue isn't whether men like it or not, the issue is ignoring the REALITY that some men are not going to like a woman's slutty past. Period. You can bemoan that as much as you want, it will not change the facts. Unfair? Life's unfair? Women can have multiple orgasms and I can't. Man that's unfair.

[Flyin in Clouds]

It think most of the men on this board would prefer to have a woman with a sexual history more like:

 

Had 2 partners, cheated on one, over a year ago to

If a woman ever cheated I'd avoid her like the plague. Sorry... my choice not to be with such a woman. I don't care how many other good qualities she had, that one flaw, one mistake would be enough to avoid her. I would not take the risk of her cheating again.

 

Had 17 partners in one year, did not cheat on anyone.

 

Does anyone else here see the flaw in logic.

Sorry, wouldn't be with this woman either, unless I had more, a lot more, sexual partners than her. That is the only way it would work for me. Call it insecurity if you like but that's how it would have to be - for me.

[Flyin in Clouds]

Actually, do you know this makes me think of? Russell Brand. Yum.

Yuck... and you know any woman that drooled over that jerk wade would be off my list... ewww... eeeewwww...

[Flyin in Clouds]

Haha, yeah his nonexistent past sexual relationship. Umm no I wasn't worried about his past sexual history as he had none, I was jealous of him spending time with his ex girlfriend. But good try.

OMG... and you think your relationship can withstand the test of time... He's was virgin and you weren't. You know how badly it's going to eat away at him over the years? You are fooling yourself if you think it won't.

 

How in the heck could you even stand a guy with no past sexual history while you were "experienced"? Did you have to teach him everything about sex?

 

Naw... I don't see this working out well at all. Good luck though. 10, 20 years from now he'll be thinking what a fool he was for not having other women. He'll wonder what it would be like with another woman. I could almost gaurantee that.

[Flyin in Clouds]

I picked someone who I felt a connection with and no I really don't care. He could've had sex with 20 different girls and I would have cared less. I care more about who a person is when they're in a committed relationship with me, than what they did before they knew I existed.

Unfortunately it doesn't work a that way for most men, and your guy is probably like most men.

 

So what's the difference now if he fooled around with his ex? No big deal, it's just some sex, over and done with just like your past is over and done with. Why make a big deal out of it he gets a little on the side? And sooner or later he probably will.

[Flyin in Clouds]

What I dont get is why he would date her for a year and pursue a relationship if he was so concerned about her past.

Because sluts are hot to play with, but depending on them for a long term - as in married - relationship. No way. Been there, done that, been burned by that.

[Flyin in Clouds]

 

...but don't you know how unacceptable it is to call somebody's girlfriend a "whore," "slutty," etc.?

You call a spade a spade buddy. And what she did earned her the title.

 

And no matter how much she changed and became a model church going prim and proper wife knowing her past I'd still think of her as that.

[PegNosePete]

Jeez dude, you don't have to reply to every single post you know!!!

[TaraMaiden]

Yes, there is such a thing as multi-post.

 

After a while people just lose interest.

 

Or the will to live....

[BlueRidgeMTs]

I still don't understand what a person has to do to redeem herself in a man's eyes.

Is this a burden of guilt she's going to have to be condemned for, for....how long, exactly?

 

 

 

 

If you men were in exactly the same situation - how soon do you think we ladies should put the facts aside, and enter into a meaningful relationship with you?

Come on - put yourself in her shoes.

?

 

AMEN! Im so sick and tired of the double standard. You men will screw anything that moves, including a 3 legged goat if you could catch it. Half the thoughts in your heads are sex related, and you would bang a different girl (including afore mentioned goat) every night of the week if you could.

 

Even with your sexual histories, if you met a girl that you thought you finally wanted to get serious with, you would expect her to just ignore your past sexual conquests, and not throw it in your face. Wouldnt you?? Dont lie. You know you would. You would be telling her "that's my past..it has nothing to do with you".

 

Yet, you deem a woman who has the same past as unworthy?? Pot, meet kettle. You men have b-alls the size of Texas, I swear. Hypocritical much?

[PegNosePete]

AMEN! Im so sick and tired of the double standard. You men will screw anything that moves, including a 3 legged goat if you could catch it. Half the thoughts in your heads are sex related, and you would bang a different girl (including afore mentioned goat) every night of the week if you could.

Wow. Sweeping generalization much?

Not every man is like that you know. Yes, some men are. And so are some women.

[dreamingoftigers]

 

How in the heck could you even stand a guy with no past sexual history while you were "experienced"? Did you have to teach him everything about sex?

 

They tend to be better overall because thet listen to what gets you off and not every pre-conceived notion that they tried during every one-night stand. I preferred to date virgins, less baggage, better sex, more willing to experiment.

 

Unfortunately it doesn't work a that way for most men, and your guy is probably like most men.

 

So what's the difference now if he fooled around with his ex? No big deal, it's just some sex, over and done with just like your past is over and done with. Why make a big deal out of it he gets a little on the side? And sooner or later he probably will.

 

So it works this way for your gender but not ours?

 

Because sluts are hot to play with, but depending on them for a long term - as in married - relationship. No way. Been there, done that, been burned by that.

 

I married a slut too, however I do think if someone has done something to work on their pat behaviour and shown that they will not go down that path again, then it's all good.

 

I would not have entered into relationship with my H if he was just "hot to play with. I think one of the worst things one person can do to another in regards to relationships is waste their time. It is estimated that every guy that strings girls along is responsible for 2 women remaining single in their lifetimes. If he wasn't serious long ago he should have made it clear and let her find someone more compatible/accepting. Anything less is just wasting someone's precious time.

 

You call a spade a spade buddy. And what she did earned her the title.

 

And no matter how much she changed and became a model church going prim and proper wife knowing her past I'd still think of her as that.[/QUOTE]

 

Don't ever make a mistake, and if you do, don't correct it, it is useless.

 

Jeez dude, you don't have to reply to every single post you know!!!

[cyabye]

AMEN! Im so sick and tired of the double standard. You men will screw anything that moves, including a 3 legged goat if you could catch it. Half the thoughts in your heads are sex related, and you would bang a different girl (including afore mentioned goat) every night of the week if you could.

 

Even with your sexual histories, if you met a girl that you thought you finally wanted to get serious with, you would expect her to just ignore your past sexual conquests, and not throw it in your face. Wouldnt you?? Dont lie. You know you would. You would be telling her "that's my past..it has nothing to do with you".

 

Yet, you deem a woman who has the same past as unworthy?? Pot, meet kettle. You men have b-alls the size of Texas, I swear. Hypocritical much?

 

Not all men are like this. Myself included. And if I was a woman, I would stay away from such men. Now where is that 3 legged goat? bahhhhhhhhh.......

 

cya

Edited December 26, 2010 by cyabye