josie54 Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 I was wondering how you all get yourself to face, begin, and survive really difficult conversations? I've been putting off an incredibly difficult conversation with someone for a very long time (um, 10 years?) and I know it's reaching a point where I really need to get things out in the open without worrying about the aftermath. It's that fear of "what happens next" that's been keeping me quiet for so long. Not to mention that I'm not a really open person to begin with. I don't really share my feelings much with anybody. I'm the person people share their feelings and frustrations with, not the other way around. Mostly because when I do try to be open, I can't express myself clearly and end up becoming so emotional that what I say becomes practically incoherent. So, I was wondering how other people have dealt with this. Has anyone else out there put off a necessary but difficult conversation for a long period of time? Were you able to finally face it, and if so, how? Thank you!
skydiveaddict Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 I don't think there is an easy answer to your problem. You just have to put your fears aside and do it. I've been in your situation too, except I couldn't put it off, I had to do it right away, so that's what I did.
freestyle Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 I was wondering how you all get yourself to face, begin, and survive really difficult conversations? I've been putting off an incredibly difficult conversation with someone for a very long time (um, 10 years?) and I know it's reaching a point where I really need to get things out in the open without worrying about the aftermath. It's that fear of "what happens next" that's been keeping me quiet for so long. Not to mention that I'm not a really open person to begin with. I don't really share my feelings much with anybody. I'm the person people share their feelings and frustrations with, not the other way around. Mostly because when I do try to be open, I can't express myself clearly and end up becoming so emotional that what I say becomes practically incoherent. So, I was wondering how other people have dealt with this. Has anyone else out there put off a necessary but difficult conversation for a long period of time? Were you able to finally face it, and if so, how? Thank you! One piece of advice I can give you is to write a letter beforehand, outlining everything you wish to say.It will help you to organize your thoughts. That way , you have it handy to refer to if you get flustered or too emotional during the conversation.
Author josie54 Posted December 11, 2010 Author Posted December 11, 2010 I don't think there is an easy answer to your problem. You just have to put your fears aside and do it. I've been in your situation too, except I couldn't put it off, I had to do it right away, so that's what I did. Oh, I wish I'd done the same, ten years ago. Now, it almost seems too late. But the longer I wait the worse it gets. But I've already waited so long, that it just seems that much harder, if not impossible. And to freestyle, writing a letter is a good idea. Although putting the words to paper makes it seem so real that THAT even upsets me. Even so, if I can't write the words in a letter, then my communication skills are even worse than I realize (and I already know they're pretty bad). Thank you both for your comments!
denise_xo Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 I was wondering how you all get yourself to face, begin, and survive really difficult conversations? I've been putting off an incredibly difficult conversation with someone for a very long time (um, 10 years?) and I know it's reaching a point where I really need to get things out in the open without worrying about the aftermath. It's that fear of "what happens next" that's been keeping me quiet for so long. Not to mention that I'm not a really open person to begin with. I don't really share my feelings much with anybody. I'm the person people share their feelings and frustrations with, not the other way around. Mostly because when I do try to be open, I can't express myself clearly and end up becoming so emotional that what I say becomes practically incoherent. So, I was wondering how other people have dealt with this. Has anyone else out there put off a necessary but difficult conversation for a long period of time? Were you able to finally face it, and if so, how? Thank you! I really identify with much of what you've written (except that I don't become emotional, I bottle up and become passive agressive instead ). I'm also quite conflict averse. So I don't have any great advice to give you but will be watching this thread to try to learn a few things myself...
Author josie54 Posted December 28, 2010 Author Posted December 28, 2010 I really identify with much of what you've written (except that I don't become emotional, I bottle up and become passive agressive instead ). I'm also quite conflict averse. So I don't have any great advice to give you but will be watching this thread to try to learn a few things myself... My post didn't generate a lot of response, so I'm not sure that there will be more to learn here. It seems as if this problem is one that others don't grapple with as much as we do. But it's good to know that I'm not the only one out there who struggles with this. Not that I'd wish this on anybody, but it's still sometimes easy to think that everyone else has it together, and I'm the one who's completely out of touch. Because of my inability to speak my feelings truthfully and openly, I've pretty much gotten hopelessly stuck and I've lost a full decade of my life. Well, "lost" might be too strong a term, but during my 30's, a time when I should have experienced so much, I've really only lived a fraction of what I could have if I'd been able to simply tell the truth. Not to mention caused someone else to do the same. Because of my inability to communicate, my 40's could come and go the same way. "Life is short." I don't have to be told that twice. But knowing it just doesn't seem to help. I'm going to tear up just having written that! There's that emotional thing. So, in my usual fashion, I'm going to shut up about it now. But thank you very much for your comment.
catgotyourtongue Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 Hi sorry for your situation and your angst. A diffiuclt conversation 10 yrs in the making, is never going to be easy. Sorry, I wish it were. I don't have great advice, and I don't know what the situation is...so it's very hard to give you good advice. In general, is it something YOU did to someone that you want to apologize for? Is it something that someone else did to YOU that you need to tell to another? Is it about living a lie you have had to keep? Basically, did you get hurt or hurt someone, or can you give us a very general idea if this is something you are apologizing for or sort of coming to terms with, or??? What I can tell you, is, that keeping this stuffed inside of you for this long, living half a life, dealing with the anxiety of not telling, is eating away at you, or anyone, most likely. Some can live like this, sounds like you cant. SO no matter how bad you think the outcome or conversation will be, it will be OUT in open and you can get it off your chest, whether it leads to you being hurt or judged, or others, that you cant control..but the prison you have created for youself, all this time, is a prison, so perhaps think of it as a way of letting yourself, or someone else, out of prison. ((hugs))
Author josie54 Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 I don't have great advice, and I don't know what the situation is...so it's very hard to give you good advice. In general, is it something YOU did to someone that you want to apologize for? Is it something that someone else did to YOU that you need to tell to another? Is it about living a lie you have had to keep? I guess it's sort of in the first/third categories. I've posted about this long ago in another thread. Didn't want people to know that I was still in the same situation a year or two (or three? don't remember) later. I've told someone I would marry him, bought a house with him, worn his engagement ring for more than four years, and have stayed with him for 12 years, knowing it wasn't right. And he's too nice to push, so he just stays silent about it waiting for me to say something about it. So we don't talk about the future. We could go on like this for 20+ more years, I'm sure. At least I know enough not to go through with it and get married. Given what I know about myself, that I hate to be truthful if that will hurt a good person's feelings, no matter how selfish or stupid or extreme it becomes, leave it to me to end up with a really nice guy who's too polite or frightened or whatever to tell me to either marry him and love him or get out. Why I couldn't get the jerk who wouldn't call me back, or who cheated on me, or who wouldn't commit, or who would just break my heart and leave and be done with it, I have no idea. Isn't that the guy everybody else gets? That guy would have been easy for me. I had to get the really nice guy who just wants me to stay and for everything to be OK, but who feels more for me than I do for him. That's the one designed to destroy me, and that's the one I find. Anyway, I know all advice is a moot point, because I can give the right advice to myself. I've tried therapy twice, and all it did was cost me money. It didn't push me to do what I know needs doing. So, I'm not even sure why I posted anything, when I already know what people will say. Thank you, though. Your post was very kind.
catgotyourtongue Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Thanks for responding. Wow that is quite a conundrum. What advice would give yourself? Man I don't envy your situation and I can imagine how difficult it is and is weighing on you. But of course you owe it to him and yourself, to both be either alone in truth, or with another in love. Is you main reason for not telling him that you don't want to hurt him -or that love him a lot and will miss him, even if he is not the one? He will recover, you know that right? He might be destroyed at first, or shocked, but marriages fail, long term relationships fail or are only meant for a certain time. If you care for him, don't live in a lie with him. This way you both will get a chance to have a future of your choice... ((hugs and best of luck-tough choice, tough situation)) and, don't kid yourself, being with an ******* sucks and getting dic*ed around by a man stinks, so you don't want that instead. Be glad you have had good years with a man who loves you...be glad, and show him you appreciate that by setting him free.. I guess it's sort of in the first/third categories. I've posted about this long ago in another thread. Didn't want people to know that I was still in the same situation a year or two (or three? don't remember) later. I've told someone I would marry him, bought a house with him, worn his engagement ring for more than four years, and have stayed with him for 12 years, knowing it wasn't right. And he's too nice to push, so he just stays silent about it waiting for me to say something about it. So we don't talk about the future. We could go on like this for 20+ more years, I'm sure. At least I know enough not to go through with it and get married. Given what I know about myself, that I hate to be truthful if that will hurt a good person's feelings, no matter how selfish or stupid or extreme it becomes, leave it to me to end up with a really nice guy who's too polite or frightened or whatever to tell me to either marry him and love him or get out. Why I couldn't get the jerk who wouldn't call me back, or who cheated on me, or who wouldn't commit, or who would just break my heart and leave and be done with it, I have no idea. Isn't that the guy everybody else gets? That guy would have been easy for me. I had to get the really nice guy who just wants me to stay and for everything to be OK, but who feels more for me than I do for him. That's the one designed to destroy me, and that's the one I find. Anyway, I know all advice is a moot point, because I can give the right advice to myself. I've tried therapy twice, and all it did was cost me money. It didn't push me to do what I know needs doing. So, I'm not even sure why I posted anything, when I already know what people will say. Thank you, though. Your post was very kind.
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